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Wednesday, January 3, 2018

We Get Letters About Scratching an Itch

After an entry on this blog inviting people to tell the stories of their "forbidden" relationships (by writing me a fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com), this comment was left by Anonymous...

I'm 51 years old married mom. I'm sexually involved with my 27 years old son. My husband is still alive, but he doesn't know.

Keith, you say you don't support cheating. But I don't know what to do. I love my husband very much and I don't want to be separated from him. At the same time I love my son too and the physical satisfaction he gives me makes our bond stronger. And to be honest me and husband not sexually active for over 20 years or so. But that didn't make me love him less. I never cheated on him before and I know he would never cheat on me. But now I have fallen into a quicksand and I can't find a way to get up. I don't know what should we do.

Relax. You’ll find I am not about to throw stones.

How many people are in similar situations? More than most people think.

Getting Into a Predicament

In an ongoing relationship, the sex or even all physical affection and/or romance ends or is reduced to the point someone feels deprived. Discussing it doesn’t resolve the problem. Counseling or therapy doesn’t resolve the problem (or the spouse refuses to discuss it or get counseling or therapy).

Perhaps health is an issue. There are people married to people who don’t even know who they are anymore, due to memory problems, and it won’t get better. The choice then becomes: leave or stay. In some cases, leaving would be detrimental to the spouse being left. Someone who stays might be able to ask for an arrangement or agreement, if the other spouse is lucid and able to communicate. Ideally, this is what would be done when someone stays but feels deprived. Life, however, isn’t always that easy and clean. Some people have too much of what some might call pride and others might call jealousy or even selfishness or bitterness and could never bring themselves to explicitly grant their spouse “permission” to seek fulfillment with someone else, but secretly are fine, or even happy, with their spouse getting what they need.

Sometimes it isn’t a physical or mental issue, but rather an identity issue. Due to prejudices and pressures, people entered into heterosexual, monogamous, closed marriages with someone to whom they were not sexually attracted, or even though they are polyamorous, or consanguinamorous. This has been very common when and where LGBT and Asexual people have been basically forced into marriages with someone to whom they weren’t attracted. It can take a long time for someone to come to terms with who they really are, especially if family or cultural pressures are against them.

In addition to external pressures, people get married and stay married for many different reasons, including, but not limited to, wanting to share: a bed, a home, dates, friendship, sex, physical affection, finances, a business, conceiving children, raising children, and leisure and recreation. Some spouses rarely actually sleep together and like to take separate vacations, but do have an active sex life together and enjoy hiking together every weekend. It’s great when spouses enjoy each other for general companionship and are romantically and sexually attracted to each other throughout their marriage, but that isn’t reality for most couples. You can find married couples who literally spend about 23 of 24 hours together on a daily basis. Others would murder each other if they had to do that, but are very much in love and look after each other affectionately and devotedly.

When something very important to a spouse gets taken away from a marriage, it’s easy for everyone else to say “get a divorce,” but what if that would leave the person being left worse off? And while divorce is acceptable in many cultures, there are some where it is very difficult, legally and/or culturally, to get a divorce, and in some of those cultures affairs are tacitly approved. It’s also easy for everyone else to say “Stay and deal with it.”

Sex is a normal, natural, and for some people, an essential part of life. It isn’t just about orgasms (most people can give themselves orgasms), but that physical, primal connection with other people.

On Cheating

Yes, this blog does not endorse cheating. As a reminder, I’m polyamorous and I fully support all forms of ethical nonmonogamy. Cheating means breaking existing agreements or vows and not informing the other person or people so that they think the agreement is still intact. If the agreement is that they can both have up two other lovers, it wouldn’t be cheating to have two other lovers. It would be cheating to take on a third additional lover while retaining the other two, unless this was something negotiated.

Anonymous apparently had an explicit or implied agreement with her husband that they’d have no other lovers. Usually, though, part of that agreement is that they would not deprive each other, but would rather be available to each other as sexual partners. For whatever reason, he hasn’t been available for over 20 years.

Now let’s look at what problems cheating can cause:

1. Spreading sexually transmitted infections. Even if Anonymous were to contract such an infection from her son, she would not be passing it along to her husband (at least not sexually).

2. Paternity fraud/paternity claims on the joint estate. She’s not going to get pregnant. He’s not going to get pregnant, so this isn’t a risk, either.

3. Depriving a partner of time and/or energy. It’s a definite problem if someone is cheating, has sex with their cheating partner, then goes home to an official partner and the official partner, who wants to make love, is rejected because the cheater just had sex with someone else. That’s not a risk in this case.

4. Dividing loyalties. She’s actually staying loyal to her husband. It is unlikely that, in trying to please her son, she’s going to do something detrimental to her husband. It’s not likely the son will grow resentful of his father and confront him or attack him.

5. Luring away a partner. We’ve all seen this, right? Someone cheats on their spouse or partner and leaves their official partner or spouse for their cheating partner. Even when that’s how it appears, it might not always be so. It is possible the departing partner was going to leave even with no affair (and in some of those cases, for good reason). Regardless, it doesn’t apply in this case. She’s not leaving her husband.

6. Public embarrassment or ridicule. This is often tied into some or all of 1-5, but also happens when a lot of other people know what’s going on, but the official partner doesn’t. It can be humiliating and traumatizing. However, it doesn’t really apply to this case.

7. Violation of trust/lack of trust going forward. Most of this is tied to some or all of the above. In this case, however, how does the husband lose trust? It doesn’t really apply.

So Where Does That Leave Things?

Ideally, Anonymous could have gone to her husband and asked for their agreement to be modified, promising him that she would discreetly take on one lover and it wasn’t going to be something that would bring public embarrassment to him and he wouldn’t have to see or hear about it, and she wouldn't leave him for the new lover. Her husband would then have agreed to the modification. Some husbands would even encourage this sort of thing.

That's not what happened, though.

Even so, she is not depriving her husband of anything.

There is a good chance her husband knows, or has a strong suspicion, whether he is in denial or quietly resigned to it. The double love bond between a mother and son can create a sense in both the mother and the son that others can see, even if they don't know exactly what's causing it. Since he's her husband and, especially if he's the boy's father, he's very near to this connection, so on some level he probably knows.

While this blog does not endorse cheating, I can't think of a better way for her to get her needs met while staying with her husband. Her son loves her and will protect her privacy and that of her husband. She knows him well. They are sharing an experience unlike any other.

I'm very interested in hearing more from Anonymous (especially how this started) and anyone, parent, adult child, partner/spouse, or sibling of the adult child who is in a similar situation. I never share what anyone tells me without their permission. You can email fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com (preferably) or comment after this entry. Anyone else is also welcome to comment, provided you follow the rules, or write to me.

Decreased sodium intake may decrease mortality

Are you, or have you ever been, in a “forbidden” consensual relationship?

Is one of your parents, children, or other family members in such a relationship, or have they been?

Are you the adult child of such a relationship, whether you were a biological child, adopted, or stepchild?

If you can say "yes" to one or more of those questions, I’d like to interview you. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is/was very casual, is a serious lifelong relationship, or somewhere between.

What qualifies as “forbidden?” While most of my interviews printed on the blog so far have been with people in consanguinamorous (consensual incest) relationships, I’m also interested in any consensual adult relationships that are forbidden by law, custom, tradition, community, or family and/or is subject to discrimination. This includes, but isn’t necessarily limited to, relationships with someone who is from an older or younger (adult) generation, or from a different race; gay or lesbian relationships; open relationships or marriages, relationships that include swinging, swapping, group, or polyamorous relationships; polygamous relationships or marriages, plural marriages, polyandry, or polygyny; and relationships often perceived as incestuous, such as between cousins, or Genetic Sexual Attraction relationships, or being with a close blood, step, adoptive, or in-law relative.

I’d like to interview you and publish the interview on my blog, and I can do so while protecting your anonymity.

What you get in return:

1. Loads of cash. Well, no, not really. I don’t accept funding for this blog and I won’t pay for participation. Sorry. This blog is a labor of love in every sense of the word. Also, I want people who just want to sincerely share their experiences, not someone who is will sensationalize for cash.

2. The satisfaction of knowing you are making a difference in the lives of many people around the world. People are relieved to read of other experiences like their own, and those who wonder about these relationships come away a little more enlightened.

3. Being able to tell of your relationship and experiences to someone who supports your rights and respects you.

4. A link to a website or profile of yours, depending on privacy issues.

The best way to contact me is via email. Check the Get Connected tab at the top of the screen or write me a fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #13

“This will cause inheritance disputes.” This can’t be a reason for the continued denial of the polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry. Again, if we're talking about children, not all polyamorous marriages will have children. But even with today’s restriction of monogamy-only for marriage, we see inheritance disputes all of the time. Widows and widowers who were married only once get in fights with their own children, who may fight with each other. Then, in some cases, there are children born outside of that marriage. There’s divorce and remarriage with or without stepchildren or making more children, there are people who were never married who have kids, there are childless people whose inheritances are disputed, "monogamous" and polyamorous people who had children with multiple people without having been married to any those partners, on and on it goes. If anything, legalizing polygamy would make it easier to sort out inheritance. There can be default rules in the law, and people can come up with their own documented, legal agreements.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #12

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #14

Taking the Steps

I have frequently seen the question asked, “It is incest to date my stepbrother?” or “Would marrying my stepsister be incestuous?”

Romance, dating, sex, or marriage between step relations is not literally consanguinamory, but is often subject to the same prejudices, which in some places and cases includes criminalization, as consanguinamorous relationships. With Discredited Argument #18 not a factor, the excuse to try to deny others their relationships is usually Discredited Arguments #1, 3, 19, or 21.

Although someone may try to control our relationships, we can’t effectively control what other people do with their love lives and we shouldn’t try. We don’t pick who our family members love or marry. As such, sometimes someone is brought into our lives as a step relation, such as a stepbrother, stepsister, stepmother, or stepfather whether we like it or not.

Sometimes, we like it. A lot.

Perhaps the most common connection between step relationships is when adults marry and their adolescent or young adult children, who are made stepsiblings, find they are mutually attracted. The Westermarck Effect, which describes the suppression of sexual attraction between people raised together in the same home or close quarters, isn’t experienced by everyone but doesn’t have even a chance to be experienced if young people don’t meet or don’t spend much time together until their pre-teen years or later, as often happens in these cases.

Each of us is our parent’s child. If the person we share genes with and raised us is attracted to someone, is it really surprising that we’d be attracted to that someone’s child or sibling? This is especially the case if new stepsiblings spend time under the same roof, perhaps on a full-time basis.

There is no good reason why the relationship of persons A and B should prevent the relationship of persons C and D.

But what about when one person ends up having two lovers from the same family? That can happen if there is a relationship between a stepparent and a stepchild, including cases in which the stepparent never knew the stepchild as a minor. (As always, I’m talking about consenting adults in this entry, or minors close in age to each other.) Perhaps things didn’t work out between the stepparent and the parent, or the parent died, or there’s a polyamorous situation, meaning the parent is still involved. Sometimes, someone’s stepparent is actually from their generation or at least closer in age to them than their parent, due to their parent having entered into an intergenerational relationship. The important thing to remember is that we are talking about consenting adults in these cases. One person’s prejudice against intergenerational relationships or against someone having more than one lover from the same family should not have any control over such consensual relationships.

Relationships like these have existed throughout history. There are also other relationships that have meant someone has (or has had) more than one lover from the same family. Traditional polyandry usually involves brothers marrying the same woman, and many polygynous males marry sisters. Having both mother and daughter or father and son as lovers is a common fantasy, and does happen. (I have had my own experience.)

Someone considering a relationship with a stepsibling, stepparent, or adult stepchild should make many of the same considerations as I have encouraged people to make when it comes to consanguinamorous relationships, and, if applicable, what I wrote about intergenerational relationships.

Parents may not like it when their stepchild gets together with their child, but the parent should remember that it wasn’t the children that created the environment in which they found themselves. Isn’t it better they get along rather than fight? Anyone upset about step relations getting together should read this.

Family strife is one thing. Law is another. There is no good reason to have laws discriminating against adults for their consensual relationships.

Are you, or have you been, involved with a step relation, or someone who later became one? Tell us about it by commenting.

Facebook, OKCupid, and the Dilemma of Online Services

There have been grumblings in certain circles about OKCupid instituting or enforcing a policy for real names, instead of screen names, to be used. Facebook has taken steps to try to prevent people from using pseudonyms or screen names as their account names. This sort of thing has been an issue with other services.

These services have their reasons, such as collecting demographic information and advertising revenue, and also to try to prevent spammers, scammers, stalkers, bullies, and others with ill intent.

The problem, though, is that many people who don't fit the narrow, vanilla, cisgender, heterosexual, professing monogamist mold often rely on reaching out to others anonymously or with some level of privacy. That's because they face discrimination. Depending on where they are, they may be subject to everything from shunning and disowning by family, loss of employment, loss of housing, harassment and bulling, criminal prosecution, even violence, including to the point of death.

Gender, sexuality, and relationship diversities are harmless, but there are prejudiced people who want to do harm to people based on their gender, their sexual orientation, their relationships, their kinks, or their fetishes.

In a perfect world, everyone could be open and out about who they are and what they like, but we don't live in that world right now, so some people look to connect for networking, friendship, love, or more through these online services, while avoiding the bigoted judgment of their employer, parent, neighbor, or the threat of a stalking ex or rebuffed interest. The harder it is for people to reach out with popular services, they more they will be drawn to alternatives.

Have you had to deal with this problem? You are welcome here and you can comment anonymously below. or use a screen name. You an also private message me at Facebook and I will not share what you tell me. Fortunately, there are a forums for LGBTQ people, the ethically nonmonogamous, people with fetishes and kinks, and for the consanguinamorous.

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #12

“What about child custody and child support?” This is an especially flimsy objection to polyamorous (or polygamous) relationships. As we have noted before, adult relationships don't always involve raising children. Even so, nonmonogamous relationships between adults who are parents have always existed, and in most places, it isn't criminal to be nonmonogamous. So this issue is already being handled. Notice we could ask the same question about children from one night stands, donated sperm, surrogate mothers, affairs, brief flings, or supposedly monogamous relationships and marriages that end. What about children born to a woman whose husband wasn’t the man who impregnated her? All of these situations are entirely legal. A mediator, arbitrator, or court decides custody and child support disputes that aren’t resolved amicably. That would still be the case if polyamorous relationships had legal protections, including marriage.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #11

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #13

Merry Christmas to all of you ..It is finally Christmas Day before I could post this recipe.

It is the Holiday Season!! It is that time of the year when there are festivities everywhere! It is a season of giving.. It is also the season of meeting deadlines before the Christmas break. That with all the events happening, not to mention regular work, it leaves very little time to go on a baking spree. You still want to make stuff.. That's why I made these crinkle cookies!! The good news: they were a huge hit at work and everywhere I brought them!

The best news: they are super easy and a no-brainer to make. It takes very little time. The reason being that they are made from a red velvet cake mix by Duncan Hines. You can find the recipe on the box and online here.

Today I am sharing this recipe with you.

Servings: makes around 30 medium sized cookies.

Prep time: 15-20 mins Cook time: 16-18 minsTotal time: 30-40 mins

Ingredients:

Red Velvet cake mix : 1 package

Eggs: 2 large

Butter: 6tbsp, melted

Lemon zest: 1 tsp

Powdered sugar ( confectioner's sugar): 1/2cup

Cornstarch: 1/2 tsp

Method:

Preheat the oven to 375 deg F.

Line a baking sheet with parchment or grease it and keep ready.

In a bowl mix together cornstarch and powdered sugar and keep ready.

In a bowl mix together cake mix, eggs, butter and lemon zest until well mixed.

Pinch a little of the dough and make a 1 to 1.5 inch ball. I used an ice cream scoop to do this. Do this with all available dough.

Now roll each of the balls in powdered sugar mixture and place it on the baking sheet 2 inches apart.

Bake for 8-10 mins or until a toothpick when inserted comes out clean.

Cool on a cooling rack.

Store in airtight container when cooled. Stays fresh up to 10 days!

Enjoy!

I am sharing these delicious cooking at my dear friend Angie's Fiesta Friday #203. If you haven't partied there yet, you should. It is super fun!

Cooking made easy:

Keeping the cookie dough in the freezer for some time makes it easier to handle the dough.

Tip for healthy living:

Making snacks at home is much healthier and better for them than store bought ones.

Food for thought:

Christmas is the day that holds all time together. Alexander Smith

Please do share your thoughts. Your opinion matters!

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There are many reasons for this apple pie! My son has been asking me to make him apple pie for days now!! I have had the mini-apple pie pan that I have been meaning to use for more than a year now!! We went apple picking and even brought apples for the pie but never made them! I even got the crust couple of weeks ago but only on Thanksgiving Day did I eventually get around to making the pies! There is a story behind that too.. My husband was very sick on Thanksgiving day and was resting. The kids and I were pottering around the house with nothing much to do. When my son went to take a nap, I told my daughter that we should make the pie. We got together and made the pie.

Really, this pie was super easy to make!! Made me wonder why it took me so long to make it!! Anyways, when my son woke up from his nap and wandered into the kitchen, he had a puzzled look on his face. He said," mommy, I smell something good!!" When I showed him the pie, he was beyond thrilled! He wanted to eat one immediately. He was super delighted that he had his own personal pie!!

Believe me when I tell you guys that he did not move from that chair until the entire pie was all gone!! Isn't that just cute!! For me, the pie had served it's purpose. I had made 4 mini-pies. Of the remaining three, I gave one to my neighbor and brought two with me to my friend's place when we came for dinner.

I never realized that making apple pie was this easy! I would have made it ages ago!!

Servings: 4 ( 1 pie per person)