Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Clearing Up Consanguinity

Many people get confused about terms like "second cousins" and "once removed" when referring to close but not-so-close relations. Your parent's sibling's child is your first cousin. That person's child would be your first cousin, once removed. That person's child and your child would be second cousins.

Here's a helpful chart that can help explain it.


Remember, there's nothing wrong with experimenting with, dating, or even marrying a cousin. Consanguineous relationships and marriages are nothing new. There are some countries and a little over half of US states where the bigotry against marriage equality extends to preventing first cousins from marrying, but there are many places where marrying a first cousin is legal and common. I'm only aware of a few US states where sex between first cousins is technically illegal, so check the laws of your state if you are concerned. It should be searchable on your official state website.

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Tuesday, January 16, 2018

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #16

“Some men will be left out as polygyny increases.” This is based on the assumption that in a culture with gender equality, polygyny would still be more plentiful than polyandry. Anti-equality people, based on this assumption, insist that this will result in unmarried men devolving into criminals.

The mistake here is assuming that the second, third, etc. wives in a polygynous marriage would have wanted one of those unmarried men rather than legally sharing the man they did marry, and that the unmarried men would in turn want to marry them. Some of those men may want to marry men, or not marry at all. Why not allow people to marry the person or people of their choice? Why try to force people to settle? Also, the system is not closed. There are billions of people in the world and more and more people are reaching the age and status of eligibility every second.

There was a study attempting to link polygny to criminal behavior in unmarried/unpartnered men based in part on nineteenth century frontier America. Things have changed a little since then. And guess what? Married men commit crime, too. Most of the men in prison have been married, were married or had at least one girlfriend at the time they were convicted.

Maybe men in the hypothetical polygynous community who don’t get married are violent people. Is it better that they have a wife to beat instead of committing crimes on the street? I don’t want to be the one who tells a woman she can’t marry the man/men or woman/women she wants; rather, she has to marry a less desirable man so that he can take his aggression out on her.

The warnings that polyamorous or polygamous freedom to marry will result in an increase of violent gangs of unmarried men committing crimes falls flat when one considers the overwhelming data revealing both that 1) Men in the US are getting married for the first time later than ever, and 2) Crime rates in the US have decreased.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality:

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #15 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Consanguineous) Love #17

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Sunday, January 14, 2018

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the US, Monday is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He was a giant in the fight for civil rights.

Many decades after he was assassinated, the fight for civil rights continues.

History is on our side. All consenting adults will be free to exercise their rights to share love, sex, residence, and marriage.

Are you like those who kept trying to keep some people second-class citizens, or are you like the people who marched with King?

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Saturday, January 13, 2018

Sister Wives is Back

Television's favorite polygynists are back for another season, which means a bunch of news articles for publicity. Typically, there's the speculation that someone is leaving their marriage. This time, crime is invoked as the headline for this writeup by is "Sister Wives’ Rumors: The Brown Family Seen As ‘Felons’ By The State Of Utah"...
When Meri Brown, one of the better-known stars of Sister Wives, decided that she was going to open up a bed and breakfast in the state of Utah, she knew she was taking huge chances.
Aside from the standard concerns that every first-time business owner has about her new business, a new report suggests that she was concerned about her family being considered “felons” by the state.
It's ridiculous that any consenting adults would be criminalized or otherwise discriminated against for their relationships.

This shocking report comes courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune, which suggests that Meri and the other stars of Sister Wives have been living in Las Vegas for the past seven years to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy.
Despite the notion that Utah — which has a large Mormon population — has made polygamy legal, the reality is, it’s just as illegal to be married to more than one person at the same time in Utah as it is to be married to more than one person at the same time in any other state.
It's actually worse in Utah. Polyfidelity is criminalized.
The new season of Sister Wives begins on Sunday, January 14 on TLC. Check your local listings for the time and channel.
Do you watch the show? What do you think?

Every adult, regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults, without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

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Friday, January 12, 2018

8 things parents need to tell their teens about alcohol and vomiting

The response to last week's blog that asked parents 'Would your teen know what to do if something went wrong at a party?' was amazing! Well over 20,000 people read the piece over a 2-day period and the content seemed to really resonate with parents. The incredibly sad story of the 15-year-old girl who choked to death on a bed while being watched by four of her friends is particularly powerful and, as a result, many readers forwarded the link to their teens. Amongst all the comments was one that I found particularly interesting:

" … Death by vomiting is a real danger. I must have been lucky as a young bloke to not have died. My life was saved several times whilst vomiting unconscious. I had good mates who looked after me. A wife who saved my life three times. I no longer drink at all. The fun aspect disappeared long before I got the help I needed. I don't think all that much has changed over the past 50 odd years ... I quite like young folk. Times change. Kids don't. I believe a lot of oldies forget their youthful years."

What a great comment – "Times change. Kids don't."… Of course, he's absolutely right – nothing really changes - it's just that we now know far more about the potential risks. As a result, we can try to ensure our kids are far more informed than we were and hopefully, if they do get into trouble, at least they'll have a better idea what to do!

Getting drunk and subsequently vomiting is not something new. When I talk about the potential risks around alcohol in schools, teachers often come up afterwards and say something like, "I was so lucky" or "How did we ever make it through? We did all those things and were never aware of what could have gone wrong". Unfortunately, getting drunk and dying as a result is not new either. Deaths caused by choking on vomit after a heavy drinking session have been happening since man first started using alcohol. A number of famous people have died this way, including Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham, who reportedly drank 40 shots of vodka and subsequently choked to death in his sleep and of course, AC/DC lead singer, Bon Scott who passed out in a friend's car and inhaled his own vomit.

Most people have vomited at least once in their lives and many have a great 'vomit story' – particularly relating to alcohol! Even though it is incredibly unpleasant, it is important to remember that there is a reason for this bodily function. So, what is that reason? Why do we vomit when we drink too much?

Most alcohol is metabolized by the liver, where an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH), breaks it down into acetaldehyde, a toxic chemical that can make a person feel sick. This is then broken down by another enzyme into acetate, which is excreted. Although acetaldehyde is usually broken down quite rapidly, when you drink alcohol it builds up in the body, causing nausea. When you drink too quickly, these toxins accumulate, and your body gets the message that it needs to get rid of them. You then vomit – expelling the contents of the stomach, including the toxins!

If a young person is going to look after someone who is vomiting, they've got to have an understanding of why it is happening … Now trying to explain all about ADH and acetaldehyde is going to bore them to death and many won't understand it. So, although this is an oversimplification, a good way of explaining what is going on is as follows ... When you drink too much, alcohol 'turns off' the brain areas that control consciousness and breathing, resulting in unconsciousness, coma and, in extreme cases, death. You've been poisoned! Our bodies try to protect us from getting that far by making us vomit and getting rid of unabsorbed alcohol before it reaches the brain. It prevents further poisoning and in the process, save your life.

When it comes to educating teens about anything I'm of the view that we should 'start from where they're at', i.e., begin by talking about something they've experienced themselves and when it comes to alcohol, that's vomiting! Even if they've never drank alcohol, most young people who have attended a party or met a group of friends in a park on a Saturday night have seen someone else drink too much and end up being sick. If it's not their friends, it'll be a family member. That's why a conversation about alcohol and vomiting is far less likely to be 'shut down' by your teen. They're going to know what you're talking about and there's a better chance they're going to listen.

So, what should you be telling them? Here are 8 key points about alcohol and vomiting that every young person should know:
  • vomiting can be life-threatening. Although many look back at a night of vomiting and laugh about their experience, it is vital that teens understand that it can be extremely dangerous. Apart from choking to death, dehydration and salt imbalances are the biggest concerns in most vomiting episodes
  • if someone is vomiting, or it looks as though they may start, stay with them – never leave them, not even for a few seconds. It can take just seconds for someone to choke on their own vomit, so it is vital you stay with them and monitor them closely at all times
  • don't force them to drink lots of water. For some reason, young people (and adults too) believe that water is going to fix everything. Of course, if they are not vomiting and just feel unwell or nauseous, ensure they replace lost fluids. It is also important to ensure they rehydrate once they have finished vomiting, but if they're forced to drink water while they are being sick, it is highly likely that they will simply vomit it back up relatively quickly. Soak a t-shirt or cloth in cold water and have them suck on that in between vomits. That way, they are still rehydrating, as well as getting rid of the horrible taste in their mouths
  • vomiting won't sober someone up. Getting rid of unabsorbed alcohol from your stomach is not going to sober you up. Certainly, some people report that immediately after vomiting they can feel clear-headed and some even believe they are now sober enough to drive! This effect is believed to be due to the flood of endorphins that are released when vomiting but usually disappears quite quickly
  • never prop a drunk friend onto a toilet bowl to vomit. Too often, people end up with a range of facial injuries (losing teeth, breaking their noses, etc) when left lying over a toilet and either pass out or fall to sleep, smashing their faces onto the porcelain. Drunk friends should be taken to a safe and well-lit place and given a plastic bucket or bowl
  • try to keep them comfortable - if they are feeling sick they are likely to be feverish. Putting a cold compress (or even a cold-water bottle) on the back of the person's neck can reduce their temperature and make them feel a little better. On the other hand, if they start to feel cold, make sure there is something warm to wrap around
  • if you see blood in the vomit, call 000 immediately. Although, this can be caused by something as simple as the person biting the inside of their mouth or tongue, it could also be something far more serious, such as retching tearing the small blood vessels of the throat or the oesophagus. This usually looks like small red streaks in the vomit, like nose bleed blood. Although this may not be life threatening there is no way of knowing for sure without seeking medical attention
  • if in any doubt, call 000. It's hard to be too specific here as everyone is different when it comes to what constitutes a 'medical emergency' but 'if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't!'. As a parent, make it clear to your child that you support them in their decision to call 000, then they need to call you. Even if the ambulance arrives and the situation has resolved itself – it's better to be safe than sorry.

How do you know if a person is just drunk or actually suffering from something much more serious - like alcohol poisoning? It's difficult, but if you see one of the following, call 000 immediately – this is not something an adult can deal with, let alone a teenager:
  • the person is unconscious and can’t be awakened by pinching, prodding or shouting
  • the skin is cold, clammy, pale or bluish or purplish in colour, indicating they are not getting enough oxygen
  • the person is breathing very slowly, if there are more than 10 seconds between breaths – this is an emergency
  • vomiting without waking up
Many parents reading this will remember a drunken night out when they were in their teens (or early 20s) when everything went wrong. We usually learn by our mistakes and a night of vomiting after a big drinking session can often lead to long-term changes being made when it comes to alcohol. Sadly, that one drunken night can sometimes result in a death. We need to make sure our kids know more than we did. This is not necessarily going to be an easy conversation but it's an important one ... Remember, if you want to have a better chance of success, frame the conversation around looking after a friend and avoid talking about their own drinking behaviour (that's another conversation altogether!) ...

If parents are interested in learning more, there are two fact sheets specifically developed for young people on the DARTA website that may help. One is called 'How do you look after a drunk friend?' and the other is 'How do you look after a drunk vomiting friend?' 

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Thursday, January 11, 2018

GSA and Stepping Out

Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) can prompt cheating in relationships that otherwise would never have cheating. So if you’re reading this because you’ve cheated on a partner with your GSA contact, or because your partner may have cheated on you with their GSA contact, please keep that in mind.

This blog endorses ethical nonmonogamy as no less valid and respectful than monogamy. Your blogger is polyamorous himself, but supports the rights of adults regardless of his own personal orientation and interests, including people who want monogamy.

This blog does not endorse cheating on a sexual, romantic, or spousal partner (which can happen in monogamous or polyamorous relationships), but also doesn’t endorse criminal punishment for cheating.

I don’t consider cheating to be egregious when it is to get some relief from a spouse or partner who has seriously broken vows or agreements by being abusive, neglectful, etc. Ideally, people would leave relationships in which they are being neglected or rejected, but that isn’t always possible or the best solution for a variety of reasons.

Relationships, especially marriages, can be very complicated. For example, it is easy for outsiders to see a married woman flirting with someone behind her husband’s back, and think less of her for doing so, but what those outsiders don’t see is that her husband barely interacts with her in private and refuses to even touch her and yet he wants her to go without affection and intimacy with others. Not wanting to break up the home of her young children before they are grown, she stays, and seeks comfort with others. Of course this kind of relationship situation happens regardless of genders.

In general, someone who is happy in a healthy relationship and is not deficient in their self-control will not cheat. However, when it comes to Genetic Sexual Attraction, someone who is in a happy relationship or would otherwise never cheat (not with a coworker, not with a neighbor, not with a former partner, not with anyone) may not withstand the dynamics involved, and may cheat as a result. If their relationship was already terminally ill, or experiencing serious problems, then keeping mutual GSA nonsexual is that much less likely.

GSA is usually overwhelming, and bonds formed in its caldera can become especially strong.

Is it possible for an existing relationship to withstand cheating initiated through GSA? Yes, if it is a strong one, and if the participants are willing to endure great difficulty.

The extra disadvantage GSA-based cheating adds to healing a relationship is that it is especially difficult to sever any of the bonds someone forms with their GSA partner(s). Whereas one response to cheating is to sever all contact with the person with whom one has cheated, reunited genetic relatives might find that approach unthinkable. So even if the sexual interaction ceases, which in itself can be extremely difficult to manage, a strong desire to be together may still present interference to other relationships.

Conversely the advantage is that, unless there are other genetic relatives who fit the required profile (gender, sexual orientation, etc.), the cheating partner who’d never cheated before isn’t likely to cheat anew with someone else, like you might see with someone who established a pattern of cheating with coworkers, who is willing to break it off with one coworker when caught, but may take up with another coworker after a little while.

If someone was already a cheater, there probably isn’t much hope for the relationship if GSA brings another cheating situation to the mix.

As with any cheating situation, for the prior relationship to survive in a healthy way, the partner who has been cheated on must either be ignorant of the situation or very understanding. Unfortunately, the stigma against consanguineous sex may preempt the offended partner’s willingness to move forward with the relationship, even if they would have done so had the affair been with an unrelated acquaintance. There are a few people, such as some subset of incest fetishists, who would find news of their partner acting on GSA to be arousing, and others who are very accommodating or understanding, but many people, even many who have supported their partner being polyamorous, are going to find consanguinamory on the part of their partner to be unacceptable, even if for no other reason than realizing the consanguinamorous bond could continue to be stronger than the one they have.

If it helps the hurt partner, they should know that if their cheating partner was not a cheater before, a GSA affair is not likely to signal that their partner will subsequently cheat with others.

GSA can and usually will bring upheaval to the life of those who experience it and their loved ones. That is especially so for any existing partner relationships. Being 1) introduced to a genetic sibling you didn’t know existed, or 2) reunited with a child you gave up for adoption, now a grown adult, or 3) even feeling very attracted to someone and later finding out you are close genetic relatives would be a major twist to life’s journey in and of itself (and those are just some of the GSA scenarios). Adding a strong unrequited attraction to the first two is even more to deal with, and mutual attraction, especially with erotic encounters resulting, is more still.

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NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #15

“This oppresses women.” Gender equality and the right to be unmarried or to divorce are necessary components of full marriage equality. Anti-equality people often point to polygyny in certain cultures, past and present, where women do not have equal rights. However, this is not proof that polygyny, much less the larger scope of polygamy or polyamory, oppresses women. Women would be oppressed in those cultures with or without polygyny. If a woman wants to marry a man who has other wives rather than another man who is an unmarried man, and the other wives agree, why deny her that choice? If a woman wants to marry two men, or a man and a woman, or two women, she should have that right, too. Some women enjoy polygamy, including polygyny, and they should have the right to consent to the marriage of their choosing.

The law does not prevent a man from having relationships with, and children with, multiple women, but he can't legally marry all of them even if they all agree. The law does not prevent a woman from having relationships with, and children with, multiple men, but she can't legally marry all of them even if they all agree. Three people can have a loving, lasting triad, living together for years and years, but can't legally marry. What kind of sense is that?

Protections against gender discrimination, domestic violence, and child abuse should be the focus, not preventing consenting adults from marrying. Victims of abuse would be more likely to work with authorities to stop abusers if consensual relationships were not criminalized nor discriminated against.
There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality:

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #14

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #16 

Read More »

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Discovering Consanguinamory in the Family Tree

I am [or, had been] active on [a certain Big Online Portal's question and answer service], especially when it comes to explaining the importance of relationship rights, full marriage equality, and decriminalizing consanguinamory. Someone had this question...

Family Tree Concerns..?
My Grandfather recently passed away and my Grandmother told us all that her and my Grandfather were never married, they had always celebrated an anniversary (or so we thought,) but didn't understand while she waited till he died before telling us. After further research into my family tree I have discovered that my Grandmother married her Uncle (is this incest!?!), my Mother feels all weird because it feels like her life has been a lie and the only person she could have asked and got a proper answer was her Dad but now he's gone so we are both just looking for some advice or if anyone has been or is going through a similar situation...
This was my answer, which was chosen as the best answer (thankyouverymuch)...
= = = =
Here's what matters: Was your grandfather a good person? A good spouse to your Grandmother? A good parent? A good grandparent? THAT is what matters, not any genetic or legal relation to your grandmother. There's no lie about any of that. Your mother's life is no different now than it was before she knew that information. She's just allowing cultural prejudices to influence her reaction. Your grandparents had what is called a common-law marriage. As long as they were good to each other, that is what matters.

You didn't make it clear, but it appears you mean your grandfather was the brother of one of your grandmother's parents (he would still be an "uncle" to her if he had, at one time, been married to one of your grandmother's parents' sisters without any biological relation to your grandmother). Assuming there was a genetic connection (though it is possible he had been adopted into the family, too), that is still no reason for alarm. This is much more common than people think. People are finding out about this through DNA testing and family records, although family records don't always reveal the truth. If you go back further, it is virtually guaranteed you'll find you have consanguineous ancestors.

You don't have to go too far back in anyone's family tree to find these kinds of things. I doubt there is a person out there whose ancestry has nothing like this.

In other words.... you and your family are as normal as everyone else.
= = =

Just about everyone has incestuous childbearing in their family tree. In some cases, someone was raped, which of course is a horrible, or there was cheating. In other cases, it was true love between people who were not cheating on anyone. If the law prevented them from legally marrying or from telling the truth, that is a problem, a terrible problem, of the law, and just one of many reasons we need full marriage equality. It is not something wrong with the lovers.

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Tuesday, January 9, 2018

They Would Marry If They Could

This blog does not endorse or encourage cheating. We strongly support ethical nonmonogamy. Even so, we know relationships of all sorts sometimes start as affairs and we're still interested in relationship dynamics for relationships that would be "forbidden" even if there was no cheating involved and never had been.

As common as consanguinamorous relationships are and how common they are to be closeted due to prejudice, it means some people will cheat to be in them. Aside from the ethical issues with cheating, it can be extremely risky when it comes to consanguinamory. While still illegal in many places, the vast majority of consanguinamorous lovers are never prosecuted. But when there is someone who is being cheated on, especially so close to the situation, that person may react to discovering the cheating by alerting authorities.

 Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law where they live, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Almost all of these interviews have not included cheating as part of the dynamic, though as you will see here, we;re willing to do such interviews.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally divorce her spouse and marry her lover, yet she can't, and she could be harassed, persecuted, and imprisoned if she and her lover were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this woman has to say. You may sympathize with her husband and be upset with her, or you may be in the same situation as her or her lover, or maybe you simply find this provocative. Whatever your reaction, I hope you'll see that laws criminalizing consensual (to be redundant) relationships and sex cause more problems than they could ever solve.

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background. 

Anonymous: I'm a 37-year-old, married mother of one son living in the UK. I work part time in a supermarket. I'm an only child

FME: You are in a sexual relationship with your son? Are you his biological mother?

Yes, he is my biological son and we have been involved in a sexual relationship for almost a year.

FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, what? Are you a monogamist, polyamorist, or...?

I would describe myself as bisexual and up until this relationship began, monogamist.

FME: What was family life like for you growing up? What was your childhood like? How was sexuality handled in your family? Was it a taboo subject, or very restrictive, or more of an open and accepting thing?

I would say I had a fairly normal upbringing. Sex wasn't a negative subject exactly but it wasn't something that was really talked about.

FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

My son confessed to me his feelings. He'd been acting strange for awhile and something was clearly bothering him. He confessed to me his feelings. 
It was a very big shock for me but I listened to him tell me how long he'd been thinking about me, fantasizing about me, and wanted to make love to me.

That was the first of many conversations we had about the situation. I needed some time to process everything.

I thought about little else, did some research, and kept talking to him about it. I wanted him to be sure how he felt and I wanted to make sure I understood his feelings properly. I spent a lot of time thinking and rationalizing before I decided that we could have one night together. In my mind I thought that it was probably just a fantasy and if he was given the actual opportunity, he would change his mind.

I was incredibly nervous and trying to convince myself he would change his mind. The whole process was all I could think about at the time so it did put a slight strain on my marriage for a little while. In the end it turned out to be a good thing. 

I remember my son already in bed when I came in and I sat on the bed next to him. Neither of us really said anything. We were both nervous. 

My phone went off, I still don't know why I'd brought it in with me. I stood up to answer it and it was my husband, saying don't wait up as he wouldn't be home that night. He did ask if I was OK, and, looking at our son, I said I was just fine. I remember thinking it was a sign. 

I let my robe drop to the floor, so I was naked, and the look on my son's face, I will always cherish the memory of how he looked at me then. I walked back over to the bed and got under the covers with him with such an intense clarity. As soon as our skin touched and our lips met I knew it wouldn't be one night. We made love at first but as the night went on we kept sleeping for a little bit then woke each other for more sex. It was a long, intense night that I will never forget and he was f---ing me when the sun rose.

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? Do you, or have you had feelings like this for any other close family members whether they are genetic relatives or not?

Never. Before all this I'd obviously heard about such things but never considered myself attracted to any family. When I began to entertain the idea of giving him what he wanted, I did imagine it could be very pleasurable.

FME: How do you describe the sex now? 

There aren't enough words to properly describe how it feels to have sex with my son. We make love and we f---
 with an intensity and passion I've never felt before. Being with him sexually makes me feel more fulfilled and more feminine than anything else in my life. There is a taboo aspect to it that adds a kink but honestly it feels very natural and above all, right.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Is it family-with-benefits, an affair, girlfriend-boyfriend? 

I have to be honest. Our relationship is an affair. I know that I am doing wrong by my husband and I do feel guilty about that, but my son is who I am meant to be with. When he finishes his studies we will talk about the future but most likely I will divorce my husband then.

I had my son very young. It wasn't best timing and it never seemed like a good time after that. My sex life with my husband has never been exhilarating or extraordinary. We do still have sex, but it isn't often. I love him. He is a good man, but I feel now I'm meant to be with my son. Our marriage is OK, but looking now I don't think either of us have found it truly fulfilling. 

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship?

We've had to be extremely careful not to let anyone know the truth of our relationship. If anyone were to find out, I'm not exactly sure what would happen and that thought terrifies me. Hopefully, someday, we can be a little more open. Our hope is that when he moves out and away we might be able to have some time as a couple openly.

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? 

While hiding our relationship can be fun and adds a little extra spice, I do find it hard and isolating not to be able to share this wonderful relationship. I have some great friends who I'd love to talk to about this but I really don't know how they would react.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other and that he can’t truly consent?

I've spoken to some people and have been called a monster, a cheat and worse. I accept that I'm doing wrong by my husband but my relationship with my son is my priority and it has to be. For those who disapprove because it's incest, well I would say you just don't know or understand the deep bond that sharing my whole body with my son creates and sustains. It is the best and purest expression of my love for him.

As long as the people involved are mature enough and know what they want, I don't see why anybody should object.

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, bullying, etc., would you? 

We're holding off on long-term plans for the moment but honestly, if he asked me, I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a mother or son? 

Talking and communication is the most important thing. Take your time, breath and give yourself and each other space to process the situation.
FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Let them know they can trust you, that they are safe with you, that you won't judge.

FME: Any plans for the future?
As I've said we're holding off on anything concrete until he's.finished his studies. That being said, I do plan on having his baby someday.

FME: Anything else to add?

Just that I love my son more than anything. I would do anything for him and that since this relationship started, I feel like I am fulfilling an incredibly important role as his mother.


We could scold her and tell her she should stop, but as you can see, the attraction and bond is powerful. If you are in the same situation her son was before he confessed his feelings to her, please read this.

It would have been ideal if she could have first discussed ethical nonmonogamy or a divorce with her husband, or even directly brought what her son wanted to her husband's attention and  resolved the matter without cheating. Life isn't always so tidy, unfortunately. As I've said elsewhere, I think it is possible the husband/father is aware on some level, whether quietly accepting it or in denial.

If she does divorce her husband, why should she not be free to marry her new lover?  There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely. Others around them are being hurt, too, when there is hiding and cheating and whatever lying is needed to cover up affairs or to take on an unwitting beard.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this (hopefully without the cheating, but even then) and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you are concerned about pregnancies between close relatives, read this.
If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous for doing this interview! We hope things work out well for your husband and both of you as you continue your intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship.

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