'Talk to your child at night, late at night': A valuable strategy to help parents 'keep connected' to their teen

Go to any parenting session and no matter who is presenting or whatever angle they're coming from, they will undoubtedly stress the importance of 'keeping connected' to your child, particularly during the adolescent years. Now as I'm sure many of you with teens of your own are saying, that is so much easier said than done! Trying to maintain a positive relationship with a 14 or 15-year-old can be extraordinarily difficult but is vital if you're going to survive the years ahead. During this time, your child is going through a whole pile of changes (physical, psychological and emotional) and trying to find their place in the world. They are desperate to establish their own identity and, in doing so, often pull away from their parents and, as a result, their peers become increasingly more important in their lives. It's a tough time for all involved! As one Mum wrote to me a couple of years ago:

"Every conversation I have with my 15-year-old at the moment ends in a fight! Apparently, I don't understand anything about the world, my rules are completely different to every other parent's and, as I'm usually told as the door slams, I just want to ruin her life!" 

I've used this quote before but it's worth showing again as it clearly illustrates the problem that almost every parent faces during this time. As a parent you must have rules and boundaries in place to try to keep your child as safe as possible and they are not going to like that! As far as they are concerned, they are now (young) adults and any attempt to 'hem them in' and prevent them from doing what they believe is their God given right is likely to be met with resistance, anger, frustration and a whole pile of yelling and screaming and slamming of doors!

As tempting as it must be sometimes to just turn and walk away and think this is just all too hard, it is incredibly important that parents continue to try and work hard to maintain a dialogue (no matter how stilted or one-sided it may be) with their son or daughter during adolescence. I can't tell you how many times I've been told by mums and dads that their wonderful, communicative and co-operative teen went up to bed one night and was somehow replaced by aliens with a 'pod person' - an adolescent that they now simply don't recognize! If a conversation was to happen, it usually ended up in an argument about absolutely everything but it was far more likely that words were replaced with mono-syllabic grunts, particularly where young men are concerned, and any attempts to find out what was going on in their lives was met with great resistance. But don't give up - although it may seem as if you're banging your head against a brick wall, I promise you that keeping connected as much as possible will be worth it in the end!

Sadly, I meet too many parents who beat themselves up around this area, acknowledging that they are busy people and 'time poor' and they feel as though they don't spend enough time connecting with their child. But this is not about 'quantity', its' about 'quality'. Even if you only manage to find a couple of minutes a week where you truly connect with your teen, that can be so very important. Spending an hour with your daughter at a coffee shop with both of you on your phones for most of the time is not going to be particularly helpful, whereas having a great 5-minute chat with your son as you're dropping him off at school can be so powerful.

Over the years I have found that parents are desperate for 'real-life' practical strategies to add to their parenting 'tool box', particularly in regards to helping them maintain a positive and open relationship with their child. Without a doubt, one of the best is as follows - 'Talk to your child at night, late at night.'

I have talked about the book Staying Connected To Your Teenager (subtitled How To Keep Them Talking To You and How To Hear What They're Really Saying) written by US parenting expert, Michael Riera, many times before. There are a whole pile of strategies that he suggests in this wonderful book and this is one of my favourites, particularly because of the science behind it …

In the opening chapter of the book Riera talks about the different sleep rhythms that adolescents have and how parents can use these to enhance their relationship with their child. He talks about research that has shown that teens have a different circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle) than adults. Where the fully-developed brain releases sleep-inducing chemicals in the early evening (around 7.00pm) causing adults to start to get sleepy after dinner, teens don't experience the same effect until much later, with many of them not getting sleepy until around 11.00pm. Because they get sleepy earlier, adults are able to wake up in the morning feeling well-rested and able to function, while teens on the other hand find the mornings very difficult and trying to have a quality conversation with them over breakfast or anytime before lunch is likely to fail.

Adolescents are most likely to open up and talk late at night and Riera suggests using this unique wake-sleep cycle to connect with your teen. In addition to their brain chemistry, it is at this time that they've had time to reflect on the events of the day, their defences are down to some extent and there are far less distractions. The problem for parents is that this is their natural time to sleep and it actually takes a little bit of forward planning to get these late-night conversations happening. Riera gives a couple of great examples of parents who have used this strategy successfully, including one mother who actually set her alarm to wake up at 1.00am and 'accidentally on purpose' bumped into her daughter and started a conversation by simply asking her 'How are things with you?'. In the words of this mum, "I've learned more about her life during these talks than I have in all the family dinners we've shared during the last three years." 

I've written about this strategy a couple of times before but I thought I would revisit it due to an email I received this week – it read as follows:

"I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' to you for one of the tips you suggested in a parent evening I attended a few years ago. You talked about talking to your child late at night (I think you suggested setting your alarm for midnight at walking past your child's bedroom and seeing if their light was on – if it was, just knock on the door) and the fact that they are more likely to have a good quality conversation at that time (I can't remember why that that was the case). My youngest daughter is now in university and still living at home and I continue to use that tip to this day. She shut down from my husband and I early in Year 11 and we were very worried about her – she wouldn't talk to us and her grades started to drop. Both my husband and I started to use the 'talk late at night' strategy and, although it took a little time, she finally opened up and we found out what was wrong. She was being bullied at school and was very unhappy. Once we found out and helped her (she eventually moved schools) she got back on course and did incredibly well (she's now studying medicine). Although conversation is much easier now, I still find that the best talks my daughter and I have happen late at night."  

Of course, once you've got them talking (as the mother did above) you've got to know how to respond appropriately (which, once again, the parents above seemed to get right). In addition, there's always that risk that your child is going to tell you something you really don't want to know, and you need to be prepared for that, making sure that you don't react in a way that is going to shut down future conversations. It's important to remember that sometimes just listening is enough …

I've been saying it for a few years now, but I'd strongly recommend that parents take a look at this book, whether you're struggling to keep connected with your teen or not. Here is a quote from the end of the chapter on the late-night strategy that will give you some idea of the positive messages contained in the book - I think you'll agree, it's well worth a read.

"Remember, your teenager has a different rhythm to his day than you. Therefore, even though it isn't convenient, it is well worth the effort that it takes to adapt your rhythms to match his, if even only for an evening every now and again ... Those are ... the nights that will help you get through all the other nights when it's an hour past curfew and you haven't heard a peep from your wayward teenager. It's all about balance. Just never let yourself forget that it is your connection with your teenager that will always lead him back home." 

Reference:
Riera, M. (2003). Staying Connected To Your Teenager, Da Capo Press Lifelong Books.

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What if a teenage party was run like a school excursion? What would be expected of the school and teachers?

I've written many times about the 'hoops' that schools have to go through to take students on an excursion and how parents would not expect anything less, particularly when it comes to their child's well-being. I raised this issue at a recent Parent Information Evening and was using it to emphasise the importance of parents 'doing their homework' before allowing their teen to attend a party on a Saturday night. It doesn't matter where a teacher is planning on taking a group of young people, whether it is a comparatively 'safe' place like a museum or a zoo, or a potentially more risky environment such as an outdoor education camp trekking through bushland for a number of days, they have to follow a protocol. I was talking to a couple of parents recently about this and they were quite surprised to hear about the lengths teachers have to go to in order to take a group of students off school grounds. That left me thinking, what would a school have to do if a teenage party was run like a school excursion? What hoops would a teacher have to jump through to ensure young people could attend?

Type in 'teacher checklist for excursions' into a Google search and you will find a range of documents, some from government departments and schools, as well as those developed and provided by places likely to be visited by groups of students (e.g., Perth Zoo, Australian Botanic Gardens) that provide assistance to teachers in this area. One of the most detailed is the Checklist for Excursion Management Plan from the WA Education Department's website. To introduce the document, the site states that the checklist provided "must be completed by the teacher in charge of the excursion and submitted to the principal for approval. The checklist confirms that the management plan in place for an excursion meets the requirements of the policy."

The document has nine sections, the first of which is titled 'Assess the Risks'. I haven't included everything listed under this section but hopefully you'll get the idea:

1. Assess the environment: The site has been assessed and is considered to be appropriate for the excursion 
2. Assess transport arrangements: Arrangements have been made for the safe transport of excursion participants 
3. Assess the students' capacity: Excursion activities are suitable for the students' capacity. Up-to-date information regarding student health care maintenance and/or intensive health care needs has been obtained 
4. Competence of external providers is established: 

• External providers conducting activities with students have a current working with children check card and national police certificate 
• Staff responsibilities of the school and venue have been established 
• External providers hold the appropriate level of public liability insurance

Other section headings include 'Establish Supervision Strategies', 'Provide Information and Seek Consent' and 'Complete Emergency Response Planning'. Sounds complicated doesn't it? But, as already said, no parent would expect any less from a school when it comes to their child's safety. Now try taking these protocols and procedures and applying them to a young person attending a teenage party on a Saturday night … How many parents actually take the time to ensure that the event their child is going to is safe?

So in a practical sense, using this checklist, what would a teacher have to do to make sure that a teenage party they were sending a group of students to meets Education Department requirements?

Firstly, they would have to assess the environment, i.e., where is the party being held and is it safe and 'appropriate'? This would mean having a site visit at some time before the event was held. They would then have to ensure that appropriate transport arrangements were made, providing departure and arrival times, the number of staff on the bus (making sure that there was the correct staff-student ratio) as well as nominating the supervising staff member. No matter what form of transport was being used, insurance details would have to be sourced and provided. The teachers would then have to establish that those young people attending were 'capable', i.e., the party and what went on there matched the students' maturity level. At the same time, information on any medical conditions would need to be collected and distributed to staff supervising the event.

Finally, the teachers would have to ensure that the host parents were 'competent' and would be putting on a party that was as safe as possible. Most importantly, the school would also need to see a range of documentation that demonstrated that the host parents were aware of their responsibilities in terms of health and safety (e.g., were they aware of the laws around underage drinking and 'secondary supply', did they have a plan on how to deal with intoxicated young people turning up to the party?) and that the event was covered by insurance should something go wrong.

The document outlines what a school has to do when it comes to school excursions - they have no choice! If a teacher was found negligent in this area (i.e., they didn't do all of this and possibly even more) they would find themselves on the front page of a newspaper or hounded by tabloid TV journalists. But there are few parents who even come close to matching this kind of effort and those who do (many of whom are regular readers of this blog) are often made to feel like they are 'overparenting' and 'not trusting their teen' … Can you imagine what schools would have to do if they were actually responsible for what teens did and didn't do on a Saturday night? The expectations of parents would be ridiculous but many do not hold themselves up to the same standards in this area and do little to ensure their teen's safety when they go out to a party on a weekend!

We also need to remember that with a school excursion the teachers just don't hand over the students to wherever they are going and walk away - they stay and help supervise. That is not usually the case, however, with a teenage party. So, in reality, what a parent does in the lead-up to a sleepover, party or gathering is so much more important than what a teacher needs to do prior to a school excursion (and that's not even taking into account that you've also got to consider that alcohol can often be involved, the events are usually held at night and so much more!). Of course, you're not going to want to see the host parents' insurance policy or ask them whether they have a 'Working with Children' check but it wouldn't be a bad idea to know something about them … So, if you use the document discussed as a template, when it comes to assessing the risk of a teenage party, the very least a parent should do is as follows:

• make sure you know where the party is being held - it would be wise to have confirmation that that is where it is actually being held and you have a contact number for the host parents 
• ensure you know how your child is getting to the party and how they will be getting home - as I always say, this really is the only non-negotiable parents should have when it comes to parties. The best option is for you to take then and pick them up, but that is not always possible. If you're not, speak to the person who will be
• find out something about the host parents - the best way to do this is to make contact with them but that can be difficult and confronting in some cases. If you start doing this when they're younger, however, it's not going to be so difficult when they hits their mid teens
• establish that this is a party that is suitable for your child - this can often become obvious when you make contact with the host parent but you also need to establish who else is going, do you know other young people attending and what type of event is it?

I believe a parent should do so much more than the bare minimum (and that's what I've listed above) but 'something's better than nothing' and I totally get that it's not easy … That said, I have met too many parents over the years who have lost their children in tragic accidents or have had their daughter sexually assaulted or son be a victim of alcohol-related violence who didn't do some basic checking of a party and have never forgiven themselves as a result. Making a call and 'doing a bit of homework' is not going to be appreciated by your child at the time, particularly around that age of 14, 15 and 16, but I guarantee they'll come back in a few years time and thank you for it!

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"I've just found out that my daughter's been taking ecstasy. What should I do?" One mother's call for help ...

One of the greatest fears for most parents is finding out that their child has taken an illegal drug. There are a range of reasons for this, many of them completely valid and understandable, but to respond to this situation without carefully thinking through what you should say and do can be a big mistake. A response emanating from fear or anger can have devastating and long-term implications.

I recently received an email from a mother (we'll call her Maria) who was facing this issue and she wanted my advice on how she should deal with the situation. Here is an edited version of the message:

"My daughter is 16 and my husband and I have never really had any problems with her. Her older brother was a bit of a handful, particularly around parties and alcohol, but up until a week ago we thought things were going to be relatively smooth sailing with Alyssa. We knew she had been to a couple of dance festivals but whenever we raised the issue of drugs (and we had done so a number of times) she was quick to tell us that her and her friends were not into that kind of thing. 
Last Friday before we took her to school she had left her phone on the kitchen bench and I was right next to it when a message came through. It was from one of her best friends and said something along the lines of 'All sorted for tomorrow. $25 each. Make sure you have cash today'. Alyssa was in her room and I don't know why but I knew this wasn't right. One of the conditions of her having a phone was that we would always know the password, but at the same time we promised her that we would never use it unless there was an emergency. I opened her phone and went through her texts and found a whole pile of messages that, even with my limited knowledge, I realized were obviously related to buying and using drugs. As I was reading them she walked in and saw me on her phone … She didn't make it to school that day as we had a huge argument (firstly about me looking at her phone and subsequently about what I discovered when I did) and over the next few hours (and subsequent weekend) we found out that she had been regularly using ecstasy (or MDMA as she called it) for the last 6 months. 
My husband and I are both really stumped at what to do next. The weekend was a nightmare with the more we found out about what was going on, the more terrified we became. Neither of us were drug users when we were young, not even cannabis, so this is a whole new world for us. She kept assuring us that 'everyone' took it and that it was 'harmless' (she kept saying that getting drunk was so much more dangerous). Lots has been said in anger and she's told us that grounding her is not going to stop her doing what she wants. We have no idea what to do next …"

When I spoke to the parents via a conference call, I started by making a couple of points very clear. Firstly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your teen taking drugs (or drinking alcohol) if that's what they want to do ... you can lock them in a cellar and never let them out but if they want to do it, they'll find a way! Secondly, much of the fear for parents around illicit drugs is usually based on what they see, read and hear in the media. Young people are right when they say that many of the reported harms are exaggerated. That's not to say that there aren't harms - very real harms in many cases - it's just that sometimes we need to be a little more realistic about them and not rely on the media when it comes to the 'facts'. Finally, let's not forget that most illicit drug use is experimental. Many teens dabble for a while and then move out of that phase of their life with few, if any, problems as a result. The reason that parents are so terrified is that this is not always the case - some young people don't make it through the other end and that is what makes this so very scary.

Now this doesn't mean that you should just sit back, do nothing and wait for your teen's drug use to stop … There are certainly some things that I suggested that Maria and her husband should do, however, as in most cases, how the drug use was discovered complicated matters. Most parents find out either by 'stumbling on it' by accident (e.g., finding a drug or drug bag in a pocket when doing their washing or seeing something on social media) or having concerns and going and searching for it (e.g., looking through their room or accessing their computer or phone). Either way, when confronted with what has been found, teens usually respond by lashing out and accusing their parents of invading their privacy and that becomes their focus, i.e., their drug use is unimportant compared to their parent's breach of trust. Trying to navigate through that minefield can be extremely difficult, as Maria had discovered …

So do you ground your child and stop them seeing their friends as a result of what you have discovered? For many parents this is their first (and often, their only) response and, in some cases, I am sure it is effective to some degree. In others, however, if this is all that is done, you simply risk jeopardising the relationship you have with your child. You have just found out that your child is involved in illegal activity, of course you have to apply some sort of consequence. But whatever that is, whether that be restricting their movements or activities for a period of time or something else, it needs to be thought through carefully. Responding in anger and fear is risky.

As far as Maria and her husband's situation was concerned, I stressed one key point - Alyssa was living in their house and, as such, it was incredibly important that their values and views in this area were respected. In addition to applying some sort of consequence for her actions, I suggested they consider the following:

• most importantly, make your views about illegal drugs clear. Parents underestimate the influence they have on their teens, with evidence suggesting that even during adolescence your opinions continue to matter and can make a difference. Telling your teen that you are disappointed with their choices and that they have let you down can be powerful. Is this likely to change their behaviour? Not necessarily, but at the very least it gives them something to think about
• ecstasy is illegal - if you can't stop them using the drug, you can insist that no drugs ever come into your house. Make it clear that if you find drugs they will be flushed down the toilet - drugs are expensive and they certainly won't like that idea at all. It is important for them to understand that if they bring the drug into your home they put the whole household at risk, not only themselves 
• drugs cost money - make it very clear to them that you will not finance their drug use. Cutting off their access to cash is not going to be something they like but can be effective - if they want to buy drugs, they're going to have to find another way to do it. This is not about punishment but rather being true to yourself and the fact that you cannot support the choices they are currently making. You can continue to pay for other things they may need but providing cash will be limited
• if they believe that ecstasy is not as risky as you think it is - ask to be educated. Get them to spend some time showing you the research they have found and why you shouldn't be as worried as you are. If you've got evidence that contradicts this, all well and good, but make sure it's from a reliable source - teens can smell a piece of government propaganda from a mile away!

So what about ecstasy (or MDMA)? As a parent should you be more concerned about this drug than others out there? Was Alyssa correct when she said that 'everyone' was doing it, that it was 'harmless' and that getting drunk was so much more dangerous?

The greatest problem for many parents around ecstasy is that it is a drug that they simply don't 'get'. It wasn't a drug that they used when they were younger (although there are certainly a growing number of parents who did experiment with the drug in the 90s and later) and all they know about it is what they see in the media. Unfortunately, the only time the media covers the ecstasy issue is when there is a death and although ecstasy-related deaths certainly do occur, they are rare - that's why they receive so much attention! This coverage leads many to believe that deaths are common and that it is a likely outcome should someone choose to use the drug - something that simply isn't true!

Of course, it is unreasonable to expect most parents to be 'experts' on drugs like ecstasy but it is important to be informed as possible on the topic. To assist parents in this area I wrote a blog entry on 5 messages about ecstasy that they should discuss with their teen. But to assist Maria I felt it was important to respond to her daughter's statements about the drug …

• 'Everyone' does it! According to available evidence, the number of school-based young people who report ever having used ecstasy continues to be low. Recent data, however, shows that almost one in ten 17-year-old school-based males and one in twenty females of the same age have used the drug. It is important to note that once young people leave school the use of ecstasy increases. Ecstasy is the second most popular drug after cannabis among those in their 20s. Regular use is not the norm, with the vast majority of ecstasy users reporting only using the drug once or twice a year, or once every few months. Weekly use is rare. So, no Alyssa, not everyone does it - everyone in your friendship group may be using but most 16-year-olds certainly do not use ecstasy/MDMA
• Ecstasy is 'harmless'. MDMA is not 'safe' or 'harmless' - the fact is that all drugs, legal, illegal or pharmaceutical, can potentially cause harm. Are you likely to die when you use the drug? No, deaths are rare, but they certainly do happen. In addition, ecstasy is illegal and more people are being 'busted' for use than ever before. A drug conviction will mean they will not be able to get certain jobs and they will not be able to travel to certain countries, just because you got caught with one pill in your pocket. Once again, Alyssa, you got it wrong - ecstasy is certainly not harmless. It has caused deaths in extreme cases and is illegal. 
• 'Getting drunk' is more dangerous than taking ecstasy. Getting drunk can, of course, lead to a range of harms, including death and injury. When it comes to comparing one drug to another in terms of harm, however, there are lots of problems. There are so many things to consider when looking at how 'dangerous' a drug is or isn't, e.g., the person taking it, where they use it, who they are with when they take it, the purity of the drug, etc. Most importantly, when you use a drug like ecstasy, you don't actually know what it is that you are taking. At least with alcohol it is a legal product and by reading the label on the bottle, you know what you're drinking and the actual alcohol content. This one's a tough one! It is difficult to compare one drug to another and although it is true that 'getting drunk' can lead to great harm, including death, Alyssa, your sweeping statement is problematic. There are so many things to consider and it's never going to be as simple as 'this drug is more dangerous than this one'

If you discover your child is using illegal drugs, as Maria did, no matter what your views in the area, there will undoubtedly be an elevated level of concern about the choices your teen is making. If it's not around physical or psychological health concerns, then it will be to do with the legal consequences of such activity. If they live with you, as well as applying a consequence for their behaviour (they have broken the law), it is vital that you make it clear that you are disappointed with their choices and then set some rules and boundaries about what will and won't be happening in the family home. Although you can put things into place to restrict their movements and activities, in reality, you can't control what they do when they eventually leave your home. That said, you certainly don't have to support the choices they make that you don't agree with …

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The 'highs' and 'lows' of making a call to parents hosting a party: Three parents' experiences (one wonderful, two not-so-good!)

Last week's blog entry looked at questions parents need answered to assist them in making a decision about whether their child should attend a sleepover, party or gathering or not. In most cases, to get those answers you need to access a number of sources, including calling the host parents. It's never going to be easy to make that call and I can guarantee your child (no matter what their age) is going to want you to do it. They'll moan and groan and say you will 'shame them forever', but as one Mum wrote on my Facebook page in response to the piece ...

"If we all do the call it stops being embarrassing! They may try to whinge that we're the only parents who are uncool enough to call but it's great to be able to reply that Jon's, Matt's Lucy's, Mary's, Laura's and Dave's parents called too."

That's so true! If more parents made the call and it just became part of what was done every weekend, it would make it easier for everyone. Sadly, I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. That said, I certainly think we are seeing more parents actively parenting in this area today than we saw in the past, it's just that we could do a heck of a lot better! The problem is that as another mother wrote, even if you do make the call, there are no guarantees that you are going to get the whole truth …

"Parents lie though .. I've had face to face discussion with a parent re no alcohol being at a party my daughter attended. She came home to tell me that they in fact allowed alcohol. Don't trust on face value all the time is my suggestion …"

I've written many times before about parents lying to other parents about the parties they are hosting. I've also discussed why this may be happening and the very real problems this has caused parents I have met over the years. The one thing I've never done, however, is discuss some of the experiences Mums and Dads have sent through to me when they have actually put in the effort and made the call. As already said, calling another parent and asking them about an event they are hosting is never going to be easy but as you will see from the following stories, sometimes the call goes extremely well, while at others it's a complete disaster!

Most importantly, for many parents the experience is likely to be fairly 'benign' - you'll introduce yourself, ask your questions, get some responses, thank them and get off the phone. Sometimes though, something special may happen …

Caroline's 14-year-old son, James, was invited to a sleepover. He had attended a number of such events over the previous 12 months and almost all of them were hosted by parents that she had either known or at least met either at the school or school/sporting events. She still made a call or made a point of talking to a host parent even if she knew them. This sleepover, however, was being held by a family that were new to the school. James bought an invitation home and Caroline, as always, made the call, although as she said "For some reason I didn't do it as quickly as I usually would and ended up speaking to the mother only a couple of days before the event." The phone call was uneventful and Caroline and on the night of the sleepover she took James to the door, as she usually did, met the Mum briefly, had a quick chat welcoming her to the school and left. Early the next week she received a card in the mail from the mother thanking her for the call (apparently she was the only one who did) and also for introducing herself that night (once again, she was the only one). She also asked her if she would like to catch up at some point for a coffee. They did and Caroline and Sarah (the mother) are now the closest of friends …  

Then you have the other stories. Sadly, these are just some of the many I have received over the years ...

Serena, the mother of a 15-year-old son, Gary, had always either met up with parents hosting sleepovers, gatherings and parties or made a phone call to find out what will or won't be happening. There had never been an issue with doing this all the way through primary school and even in the early years of high school, but things started to change in Year 9. Gary had never liked her making calls but knew it was a family rule, i.e., if she didn't make the call, he couldn't go. When he asked to attend a party at the beginning of Year 10 Serena had a feeling that it was a different type of event and when she finally got access to the host parent's phone number and made the call, she was right … Serena had three questions that she asked when she made a call and before she could even ask the first she was accused of 'overparenting' and shaming her son. "I was told by this woman that he was 15 and did he know that I was making the call?" Serena told me. "According to her, I was embarrassing him by calling and he would be the laughing stock of his group if they found out. She went into a long rambling speech about how she trusted her son and would never dream of doing what I was doing! I was stunned by what she was saying and how fast the call had got completely out of control. All I had done is to introduce myself and tell her that I was calling to find out about the party my son had been invited to …" Not surprisingly, Serena thanked the mother for her time, got off the phone and informed her son he would not be attending the party!

When Cecilia's 16-year-old daughter Jayne was invited to a 16th birthday, she had no idea that the call she would make to the host parents would end up leading to her child having to leave her school after almost 6 months of intense bullying and harassment. Cecilia had always made a call to parents hosting events and had never had a bad experience but from the moment this mother picked up the phone, she knew something was wrong. The actual call was not particularly problematic - Cecilia asked her usual questions and got answers but as she told me "I should have known something was wrong when she asked me to repeat Jayne's name." What she found out later was that the mother had then gone straight to her teen (the birthday girl) and told her about the call, apparently mocking both Cecilia and her daughter and the fact that she had made a call, actually repeating the questions she had asked. What followed was a period of systematic bullying by the birthday girl and her friends, both face-to-face and via social media. Jayne was totally ostracised and even though the Principal, teachers and counsellors became involved and tried to help, Cecilia had to finally remove her daughter from the school. "When I finally had a face-to-face meeting with this mother that had been organised by the Principal it became quite clear that she was just as much of a bully as her daughter was. I still find it extremely difficult to understand why she did what she did and I will never forgive her for what she has done to Jayne. It's almost impossible to believe that simply asking what time a party was ending would result in such a response."

It's difficult to believe that any parent would respond in such a negative way to a simple request for information regarding an event they are hosting. Realistically, both of the host parents in the final two stories above obviously have serious issues … You certainly don't have to agree with the parenting choices of others and no-one can tell another parent what to do with their child, however, when you are concerned about the health and safety of your teen, you have every right to ask whatever question you want. Of course, whatever your questions are, they need to be asked respectfully and without judgement (i.e., if you don't agree with what the parent is going to do, just thank them for their time, hang up and inform your child that they're not going. You don't need to have a debate with the host parent about their choices when it comes to running a party).

What these three cases highlight is that making these calls can result in better 'parent networks' (and, in Caroline's case, a strong and valuable friendship) that will potentially assist all concerned, particularly as your child gets older and alcohol starts to become a part of the events they will be attending. If you get a difficult parent on the other end of the phone, however, it can be an extremely confronting experience and lead to you never putting the effort in again ...

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Sleeping more than eight hours increases risk of death from heart disease and/or stroke.

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Four questions you need answered to make a decision about whether your teen attends a party or not and ... where should you get that info from?

I've spoken and written about this many times before but over the last couple of weeks I have met a number of parents who have had some horror experiences with their teen and a party and when you look closely at what happened, it all went wrong because they simply didn't find out enough about the event before they let their child attend … Do just a little 'digging' before you say 'yes' to your teen and you can save yourself a great deal of heartache later. I know this isn't easy and that your child won't want you to ask questions and collect the relevant information but if you want to ensure your child's safety on a Saturday night, you really don't have any other choice!

Mandy's 14-year-old daughter Elise desperately wanted to go to a friend's 15th birthday party. Mandy trusted her daughter when she told her that it was only a small gathering and that she would also be staying the night at the house with a couple of other girls once the party had ended. She dropped her daughter off at another one of her friend's house where they were apparently going to get ready as a group and then be dropped off by a parent to the actual party. At around midnight Mandy received a phone call from the police. Elise had been found in the city, alone, drunk and unconscious! She was later to discover that there had been no birthday party, instead Elise and her friends had caught the train into the city where they had met up with a group of older boys and been drinking since early evening.

I have heavily disguised this story at the mother's request, as she is so mortified by what happened and fears being identified. She approached me after a parent session recently and now feels so stupid that she did absolutely no checking … She trusted her 14-year-old daughter and, as such, didn't make one phone call, speak to any other adult or attempt to confirm anything she had been told. Just one phone call to the mother supposedly hosting the birthday party would have resulted in her finding out that there wasn't even going to be a party but she didn't even do that!

This is a bit of a 'rehash' of a piece I wrote a couple of years ago, but it's worth putting out there again! Hopefully more parents will have a read and realize how vital this is ...

When your child's school makes the decision to take students on an excursion, the number of hoops teachers have to jump through to ensure each and everyone of those young people is as safe as possible is quite unbelievable. How are they going to get there? What will the student-adult ratio be? What transport company is going to be used to get them there and do they have the correct accreditation? The list goes on and on and you know what, as parents, you wouldn't expect anything less ... the school has a responsibility to keep your child safe while they are in its care and it doesn't matter whether they're going to a museum or wildlife park, it takes a lot of effort to ensure safety.

So why then do we not see more parents putting the same level of effort into finding out even a little more about the party or gathering their child is wanting to attend on a Saturday night? Let's quickly do a comparison - a school excursion for a class of Year 10s to a museum in the middle of the day and a 15 year-old birthday party held on a Saturday night for 80-100 of their closest friends - I think it's pretty obvious which one is likely to be the most risky!

As Mandy was to find out, you can't simply rely on your child for this information. Put really simply, they will only tell you what they want you know and will not hesitate to lie through their teeth to get what they want! I know there are some people who get very angry when I say this, but all teenagers lie - I certainly did, I guarantee you did and if you really want to believe that your child is the only adolescent in human history not to tell an untruth then go ahead and get prepared to be terribly hurt at some point in the future!

So what information should you be after and if you can't rely on your child to give it to you, where do you get it from? When it comes to what parents need to know about a party to ensure their child's safety the list could go on forever, but essentially (regardless of your child's age) I would recommend the following four bits of information be gathered:

• Whose party is it and do you know them and/or their parents?
• Where will the party be held?
• Will the parents be there and will they be actively supervising the party?
• What time does it start and what time does it finish?

Based on the answers to these questions, parents should be able to establish whether or not they think the event is safe for their child to attend or not. As I said, this information should be collected regardless of the child's age - it doesn't matter if they're 6 or 16, if they're invited to anyone's home for a party doesn't every parent want to know the answer to these questions? It's also important to acknowledge that I have tested these questions with over 300 young people and almost all of them had no problem with three of them - they hated the other one … Which one did they have the issue with? The third one, the one that usually involves more than just a one-word answer - as I' sure you are aware, they would much prefer you not to talk to anyone, let alone have a conversation with them!

So where do you get this information from? When your child asks you if they can attend a party it is at this point that you ask them your standard questions about the events to which they are invited. Hopefully you have made your expectations about the information you need clear over time (and from an early age) and fingers crossed they will provide this without any problems but you need to remember that around Year 9 and 10 you're going to start seeing their willingness to do this start to taper off. It is at this time that you must make sure you access other sources.

Without a doubt the most important source of information is the parent who is putting on the party. Now there is no way that your teen will want you to make contact and if you've never done this before and you start doing it when they are 15-years-old you'll have a huge fight on your hands, but in my experience, if your child knows at the age of 10 that you call the house beforehand and you continue to do it over time - it's just what you do - you're not going to have anywhere near as much of an issue in the later years. It should be noted that these calls don't always go well (particularly if you start asking questions about alcohol) and can end up leaving some parents feeling very frustrated but as far as the safety of your child is concerned, they're vital!

Talk to other parents as well and find out what they know about the party. What time are you dropping off your child? Where are you dropping them off? Do you know the parents who are putting it on? Does their information match what you've been told by your son or daughter? This source of information is particularly important if you have concerns about the event, e.g., you called the house and you didn't feel entirely comfortable with the response you got from the parent but you haven't got any real concrete reason not to allow your teen to attend. Another option is to take a look at social media and see what has been posted about the party - if you're doing your due diligence and monitoring your child's online activity to some extent (hopefully with their knowledge and consent - I'm certainly not advocating spying on your children - be honest about what you're doing) this should not be too difficult to access and can prove very useful.

Now at this point I can imagine there would be some people who would be reading this and saying 'but at some point don't I have to trust my teen when it comes to parties?' Absolutely! As I say over and over again, with any rule around teens and parties they need to be fair and age-appropriate. When they're younger and not likely to be doing anything particularly risky, that's the time when these rules should be 'airtight' - call the parents holding the party every time, take your child to the door and meet the parents, pick them up on time and no excuses, if they're late or they break any of the rules, there are consequences. When they're young and not doing anything wrong they have no problems with rules - in fact, at the age of 12-13 and they even have rules around parties they get pretty excited as it makes them feel more adult. As they get older of course they're going to want these rules relaxed and that can happen gradually over time as they demonstrate good behaviour and build and maintain your trust.

It will be impossible for you to know everything about a party that your child attends, regardless of how much effort you put into it. It is also important that parents don't risk jeopardising the positive relationship they have with their teen by obsessing in this area. In their final year of high school when they're not far short of 18, calling parents hosting parties to find out about each and every event your teen is invited to is going to be a recipe for disaster. Of course, if there is one party you are particularly worried about, for whatever reason, do your parental duty and call the hosts and, if need be, try your best to prevent them from going but at that age if you push too hard you run the risk of embarrassing your child and damaging your relationship. They are teenagers and they will make mistakes and poor decisions and, as hard as it may be, you have to let them stumble and fall occasionally. That said, you don't do this when they're 14 or 15, it's simply too dangerous and they don't have the life experience should something go wrong ... It's at this age when you do your very best to find out all you can about where they'll be on Saturday night, who they're going to be with and what they're planning on doing!

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What about a 17th birthday? How can parents make that event 'attractive' to teens and keep it alcohol-free?

Over the years, as secondary supply laws have been gradually introduced across the country, I've been asked by many parents how best to deal with hosting an 18th birthday and the alcohol issue. Secondary supply is when alcohol is provided to a person aged under 18 years. The issue facing parents hosting 18ths is that they could be breaking the law if a juvenile is found to be drinking on their property and they are believed to have supplied that alcohol. The big problem with an 18th celebration is that unlike any other birthday, there are likely to be just as many underage guests as there are adults and because it is an 18th it is far more likely that alcohol will be made available. Earlier this year I put together a blog entry on the topic and suggested some ways that parents could deal with this issue based on the experiences of parents I have met.

This week I received a call from Jolene, a mum who asked for my advice about a 17th birthday. The conversation went something like this:

I read your blog and have seen what you've said about 18th birthdays and ways to deal with the alcohol issue. After reading the piece I made the decision to hold my daughter's 18th at a licensed premises and hand over the responsibility of dealing with the whole underage drinking thing to the venue and the licensee. But that's next year … I am facing a bit of an issue with her 17th which is coming up in a couple of months. My daughter doesn't drink alcohol but she's in a group of friends where some do. It's not a large group, about 10 girls, but drinking is becoming a bigger part of socializing for some of them. My problem is that I have made it clear to my daughter that I cannot allow underage drinking to take place in our home and she is okay with that but she knows it is likely that no matter what she says or does, at least a couple of her friends are either going to try to sneak it in or preload beforehand. I don't want to embarrass her by coming down 'super-hard' on her and her friends and I know she doesn't want me to be worried the whole night. Birthday parties have always been a big deal for me - I don't do the 100 invitees and 'plus-one' events. They're small but fabulous! I love organising them and I want my daughter's 17th to be just as special as all the others we've had … but it's hard! Any advice?

Put simply, what Jolene really wanted to know was how could she hold a birthday event for her 17-year-old daughter that did not involve alcohol but still make it something that her friends would want to attend? It sounded like she had a great relationship with her teen and they'd had some really good discussions about the challenges they were both facing. The reality was that for some of the young women in her daughter's social group, the idea of going to a party without drinking alcohol was almost unthinkable. Jolene was not going to allow underage drinking in her home and so there was a bit of an impasse!

You may be asking what about 16th birthdays - how do you handle these events? Realistically, the majority of parents hosting events for a 16-year-old wouldn't even consider providing alcohol (although many will admittedly 'turn a blind eye') and to be quite honest, most young people I speak to rarely go to parties where alcohol is allowed at this age. They're far more likely to pre-load at 'pre's' or try to smuggle alcohol into events. Very few would expect a parent to actually provide or allow alcohol at these events. This seems to change at 17. They are now more likely to be in their final year of school and have friends who are of legal age - it becomes much more difficult ...

I've met many parents over the years who have wanted to hold a party (or some other event) for their teen that did not involve alcohol but still wanted to make sure that it was 'attractive' to their friends (i.e., they will want to come). I don't think there are any easy answers here but after talking to many parents (as well as young people), here are some things to consider that may help:

• firstly, try to avoid this birthday if you can! No teen party is going to be easy and no matter what age your child is, it's going to be a lot of work. I take my hat off to any parent who hosts such an event but this birthday can be particularly problematic if your child's peer group are drinking (and sadly many of them are) and they play the "But you're the only one who does that" card. Thankfully most young people are much more interested in a 16th or 18th birthday so if you can get out of this one, that would be great! 
• if this isn't going to happen and you're going to have to move ahead, most importantly, keep whatever you do to a small group (10 people at the most). If your child wants a larger event, tell them that this will happen for their 18th (or remind them that they got what they wanted last year or the year before). You want to keep this one as small and manageable as possible. If you want to avoid the alcohol issue, you're most probably going to have to make the event a bit more 'special' (more on that a little later) and that can involve spending a little more money. Have too many invitees and it becomes price-prohibitive
• hold the event over lunchtime or early afternoon - this often proves to be the 'lifesaver' for most parents I have spoken to … If you can avoid an evening event you're far more likely to have success in preventing alcohol from becoming a part of it. Teens are more likely to drink when it's dark, with most young people I speak to believing that teens who drink during the day have a 'problem'. Of course, you're going to get exceptions but for the most part, events held during the day are less likely to involve alcohol. Surprisingly, many parents don't even suggest this as an option to their teen even though, in my experience, it works pretty well. Of course, holding a traditional 'party' at this time isn't going to work but if you're going to use this option you can create an event that can be quite unique and attractive to young people (even 17-year-olds!) 
• make it special - if you want to avoid alcohol becoming part of whatever it is that you do, try to organise something no-one else in their friendship group has done. Take a group of your teen's friends to Gold Class, an afternoon of 'paint ball' or a visit to a theme park. Although many parents think this is something that only younger teens are interested in, in my conversations with both Year 11s and 12s this week, I didn't speak to one (male or female) who didn't think that this kind of event would be a good option for a 17th birthday. Their only condition was that whatever was planned had to be special, i.e., they hadn't done it before - it had to be novel and unique. Of course, this can be expensive but as I said, if you keep it small and don't invite too many people it's not going to cost much more than putting on a party on a Saturday night (and in many cases, will actually cost much less)
• there is one major warning if you are considering doing a lunch or early afternoon event - do your best to avoid this becoming a 'pre' event. Ensure that whatever you do finishes early enough to prevent it leading straight into whatever party is going to be held later that evening. Realistically, some 'pre's' are now starting late on Saturday afternoon, i.e., some teens start preloading at 4 or 5pm! Make sure you finish whatever you are doing by 4pm at the latest and that everyone goes home at that time. You don't want them staying around and using your house as the venue that they all prepare for whatever is planned later that night (because you can guarantee that there will be something else going on that some of your guests will be planning to go to once yours is finished). That's why it's great to do whatever you're doing away from your home … and don't bring them back when it's finished!
• if all else fails, hold the party at a licensed premises. As with an 18th, host parents who go down this path are able to hand over the issue of alcohol to the licensee. The venue has to deal with ensuring that no underage invitees have been drinking (i.e., they can't let intoxicated people, regardless of age, into the venue) and they have to make sure that those under the age of 18 don't drink alcohol while they are at the venue. The only problem here is that many venues are reluctant to hold events for this age group as they are unlikely to make much money (they're not selling alcohol) and they can be far more trouble than they're worth ... 

As I have already said, I take my hat off to any parent who hosts an event for their teen on a Saturday night. Parties and gatherings are incredibly important events, playing a vital role in an adolescent’s development as they provide opportunities for young people to learn personal and social skills they need as they become adults. The socializing that takes place at parties assists adolescents to strengthen existing friendships, make new ones, as well as to gain all-important peer acceptance. In addition, making sure teens are involved in hosting these events gives them the opportunity to learn the skills of planning and entertaining. Sadly, however, fewer parents are now willing to hold parties believing that the risks are too great and there are just too many things that can go wrong, particularly when alcohol is involved. In my experience though, when parents, together with their teens, do their planning and rules and boundaries are made clear the event is much more likely to run without too many problems ...

So what did Jolene end up doing? I received a message from her earlier this week thanking me for our discussion and to let me know what she had decided to do … Here is the message she sent me:

"Thanks again for your time the other day - it was very helpful. I just wanted to let you know that we ended up agreeing on the following for my daughter's 17th birthday celebration ... a 16-seater hummer to pick up all the kids from my place which will then transport them to a dinner venue. So the 'special' bit is the hummer because they've never been in one before! They'll all get dressed up so it will feel even more special. She's happy and so am I!"

What a great idea! I had suggested a lunch or a dinner at a really nice restaurant but Jolene had made it even more special with the addition of the hummer … I love the end of the message, "She's happy and so am I!" - you couldn't really ask for more! 

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Should I buy a breathalyser to check-up on my teen? What about 'trust' in a parent-child relationship?

As part of my presentation to Year 12 students I cover the issue of drink driving, including the process of random breath testing (RBT) and how long a young driver should wait to get behind the wheel after drinking. As a result, I often get asked by students whether I think they should buy a breathalyser to check whether they're over the limit, just in case! As I always say, as far as young drivers are concerned, if you even have the slightest doubt and think you should test yourself - don't drive - it's just not worth the risk! Remember this is not perfect technology (particularly some of the devices available on-line) and because a P-plater has to have a BAC of 0.00, well, just a little bit of inaccuracy could change their life. No young driver wants a drink driving record ...

But what about parents using these devices to check-up on their teen? Could they be useful in that way? Earlier this week I received a message from Steve, a father wanting to know my opinion on this area … here is an edited version of what he asked:

"My wife and I have been wondering whether buying a breathalyser would be a good way of dealing with an issue we're having with one of our children at the moment. Our 15-year-old son has been going out most Saturdays with his friends into the city or to a friend's house then returning at 6 or 7pm. We know that he was drinking alcohol with some older friends earlier in the year and we managed to get him to see a counsellor to help him (and us) deal with that problem.  Recently he returned from his day out with friends and we think his breath appeared to smell faintly of alcohol but neither of us were completely sure. Do you think using a breathalyser would help us?"

I think parents have to be very wary about using this type of device to check-up on their teen. It may seem like a great idea at the time but could very easily backfire and lead to a complete breakdown in the parent-child relationship if it isn't thought through extremely carefully.

Trust is so important in a parent-child relationship and it goes both ways. Not only is it important that a parent trusts a teen to do the right thing, it is vital that the child believes they can trust their parent in the same way. Some of the most distressed young people I meet are those who have discovered their parents went through their bedroom or accessed their phone or computer. In almost all these cases the parent did indeed find something they shouldn't have (e.g., alcohol or other drugs, evidence of drug use, etc) but that was irrelevant as far as the teen was concerned, their trust had been violated. When I pointed out to them that their parents had most likely done what they had done because they suspected they were lying (which they usually were!) and now couldn't trust them, that was all too much … The truth is that mistrust breeds mistrust. This is why situations where trust is broken have to be dealt with quickly and fairly as soon as they happen - leave them to fester and it can become a pattern of behaviour that can damage your relationship forever.

An online article by Chris Hudson suggests 8 simple steps parents should take when a teen violates their trust. I've used the eight headings from the article and added my own thoughts where appropriate and they are as follows:

• have realistic expectations - as I've written many times before, you can't trust an adolescent! The reality is that they're bound to disappoint you at some point by either lying to you or omitting or stretching the truth to ensure they get what they want. That said, you have to trust your child! It's vital that at some stage in their teens you trust them to tell you the truth about where they're going and who they're with - you just have to be realistic and not over-react when they inevitably let you down
• don't take it personally - this can be really difficult to do but stay calm and don't see a teen's bad choice as your personal failure. Unfortunately this type of response usually leads to over reactions and angry outbursts and tends to "create distrust rather than foster trust." This doesn't mean that you should ignore what they've done and how they've let you down - of course, you need to take it seriously. However, as Hudson writes "a serious response is different to an angry or hostile reaction."
• don't despair - when it all goes wrong and you feel like they've let you down try to avoid the big statements like "I don't think I can ever trust you again!" That's how you may feel at that moment but remember a breach of trust during adolescence is normal. They're not a bad kid and you're certainly not a bad parent - that's just what teens do! Remember, you're applying a whole pile of rules and boundaries to keep them as safe as possible and they're going to prevent them doing what they want. They're not going to like that very much! As a result, they're likely to do whatever they can to get around those barriers and that's not unusual. 
• ignore the melodrama - I love this one! When they've been found out, many teens are likely to respond by lashing out and attacking their parent, full of moral outrage. How did you find out about their behaviour? Did you breach their trust? Don't you realize that you're going to destroy the relationship you have with them by doing this? Don't get distracted by this behaviour and stick to your script (hopefully you've planned your 'assault' really carefully and have all the relevant facts at hand). Let them know how you feel and express your concerns clearly  
• explain the impact - parents underestimate the impact they have by simply telling their teen they can no longer trust them or they have broken their trust … Hudson writes "Often just hearing such a comment will be the most significant consequence of all."
• look for recognition - this is most probably the most challenging for all concerned. Hudson suggests that "parents should give their teen the chance to demonstrate they understand the impact of what has happened." As a result, parents are able to determine how aware their teen is of what they did and the implications of their actions. Parents should also consider allowing their teen to come up with a possible consequence, i.e., how do they think they are going to be able to earn your trust again? 
• reasonable consequences - whatever consequences are doled out, they must be fair and 'match the crime'. I agree with Hudson when he says that the "temporary removal of a privilege is the most common, and effective consequence for violations of trust." If they're not fair (and teens have an innate sense of fairness) or they drag on for too long (grounding for long periods of time doesn't work and when it comes down to it, who are you really punishing?), your child will simply forget what they did wrong and focus on resenting you and how unfair the whole situation is, rather than learning about the value and importance of trust.
• provide a way back - no matter how let down you are, your teen must always know you still see them as someone who is capable of being trusted. Whatever consequences you decide upon, they need to know that you want to trust them and they will be given the opportunity to win back the trust they have lost due to their behaviour. 

So what was my advice to Steve about the breathalyser? This is an edited down version of the email message I sent back to him:

"I would be wary of using these kind of things unless you really need to! Firstly, what will you do if he gets a positive result - what then? I'd imagine trying to keep him locked in the house is not going to work to well and will only cause more damage to your relationship. 

In the first place, I would recommend that you have the big 'trust' discussion with your son, making a big deal about trusting him to do the right thing when he goes out on a Saturday, making sure you let him know how disappointed you would be if he broke that trust. If you find out that he is breaking your rule (and your trust) around drinking you will need to take it to the next level. He now needs to earn back your trust, so new rules and boundaries have to be made, making it clear to him that to earn your trust back he must prove he is doing the 'right thing'. It is at this stage when something like a breathalyser could be used if you really felt it was necessary (although I would suggest there are so many other more 'positive' ways forward before you got to this stage, e.g., instead of him making his own way home, you pick him up) ... 

I know what I'm about to say sounds like you would be 'caving in' but realistically if there are not obvious signs of drinking and he continues to come home at 6 or 7pm you're doing so much better than so many parents I hear from. If he is drinking any alcohol, he is obviously not drinking much (of course, it would be great if there was no alcohol) and that's how you want it to stay but I think bringing in a breathalyser at this point is risky. He is coming home (so many parents I speak to have teens climbing out of window and disappearing for the weekend!! Terrifying!) - you want that to keep happening! Of course be vigilant but I would recommend you keep him close and don't do something that could cause the situation to escalate!"

When it comes to trust, parents need to remember that as soon as it is violated, the situation must be dealt with immediately. If you have rules in place about underage drinking and you find out your teen has been lying about drinking at a party, trust has been broken. You allowed them to go to that event and trusted them to follow the rules. Deal with the incident immediately - making sure the consequences are fair, age-appropriate and they match the crime. At the same time, they also need to know that they are able to earn your trust back. You need to be able to get back to the stage where you can trust them to do the 'right thing' and not fret every time they leave the house and they need to know that you do in fact trust them. If you let this incident go, however, mistrust builds and becomes a part of your relationship and that will make every Saturday night extremely difficult for all concerned!

References:
Hudson, C. (2014). When parents can't trust teenagers. Understanding Teenagers
https://ift.tt/2vMJjik

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Drug detection dogs: Would you want your innocent teen to be put through the process?

Official police figures were recently released that found drug detection dogs were wrong in almost two-thirds of all strip-searches conducted in NSW last year. Of the 1124 people strip-searched because of a so-called 'dog indication' in 2017, drugs were found just 406 times. This means that the dogs were wrong 64 per cent of the time! SA Police figures were also released earlier in the month finding drugs were found just 15 per cent of the time after indications from sniffer dogs or electronic tests, i.e., of the 2366 searches conducted, only 348 people actually had drugs on them. The dogs were wrong 85 per cent of the time in that state!

Let's start by making a few things clear - illicit drugs are just that - illegal. If you make the decision to use cannabis, ecstasy/MDMA or whatever, one of the greatest risks you face is that you could be caught and, as a result, face consequences that could change your life forever. This blog entry does not deal whether particular drugs should be legal or not. The law is the law and, as I say to young people, if you believe these laws are wrong then there are a range of organisations that you can join that exist solely to make change in this area. If you feel that strongly about it, do something - don't just sit there and moan about the laws being unfair! I also want to make it completely clear that this piece is not a criticism of the police or policing. I have worked closely with police across the country for 25 years and when it comes to the illicit drugs area they have a clear job to do - to uphold the law. Overwhelmingly, I have found the vast majority of them to be great people who care about what they do and simply want to do their job well. That said, in recent years the introduction and gradual increase in the use of drug detection dogs concerns me greatly.

Drug detection dogs were first introduced by the NSW Government in 2002 and since then have been rolled out across the country. They were introduced to provide police with greater powers when it comes to searching people. If a dog displays a particular type of behaviour (we are unclear as to what that behaviour is - we used to believe the dog had to sit down in front of someone - but that certainly isn't the case anymore), police then have the power to 'pat down' that person and search their belongings (something they previously didn't have the power to do unless they arrested them). They can then go one step further if they believe there is 'cause' and 'strip-search' the person. According to people I know in the government and drug policy, the strategy 'polls' extremely well, i.e., the general community supports the use of sniffer dogs. It would appear that many believe that if a dog identifies someone with illegal drugs on them, so be it, they have broken the law and they should suffer the consequences. The problem is that it's not only drug users that are being affected.

I have written about this topic before but have decided to raise the issue again because of a Year 11 girl I met a couple of weeks ago who had recently had a particularly traumatic experience.

Clare started the conversation by making it very clear to me that she had never used illicit drugs - it wasn't a part of her or her friends' world ("You may hear this a lot of times, but truly, we don't take drugs!" was the line she began with ..). She was attending her first dance festival with a group of friends and as she was joining the queue to go through the turnstiles Clare felt something brush against her leg. She looked down and saw a black dog sniffing around her. She does not remember the animal sitting down but she said it continued to stay with her as she kept walking. She then noticed a police officer with a leash attached to the dog. The next few minutes are all a blur for Clare but according to what her friends later told her she was then approached by another officer, this one being female and escorted to the side of the entry. 
She doesn't remember the initial 'pat-down' or what was said at that time. It wasn't until the next stage of the process that she even realized what was happening. She was taken by two female officers to what she thinks was a small tent. It was at this point that it dawned on her that this had to do with drugs. She kept telling the officers that she didn't take drugs and that she had nothing on her but was repeatedly told that the dog had detected a substance and that "the dogs were never wrong"! She was then asked to remove her clothing, piece by piece, one officer in front of her and another behind. Not surprisingly, nothing was found. 
She was clearly distressed as she told her story. She had not told her family what had happened and had not really talked about the experience with anyone. It was now even 'off limits' with the girls who attended the festival with her. She wanted to talk to me because she wanted to know why this had happened to her … During the presentation I had warned the students that if you are around people who use drugs, particularly cannabis, then the smell can get onto your clothes and into your hair and can result in a 'dog indication', but that had not been the case for Clare. There was no satisfactory explanation - the dog was just wrong!

I have no idea whether this was even a legal search - Clare was 16! In my talks to students I make it clear that if a police officer even suggests strip-searching them, they should be polite and respectful and inform them that they are underage and request that their parent or guardian is present. I have asked police services across the country to provide information about operational procedures involving dogs and whether juveniles are able to be legally searched without a parent or guardian present (I'm sure they're not and many police officers I know have agreed with me) but I have never been able to get an 'official' answer. Regardless of whether it is legal or not, it is happening! I have met many school-based young people over the years who have been searched in this way. Some were at dance festivals and the like but others were simply standing on a train station in their school uniforms and subjected to this process - that's outrageous!

What continues to baffle me is that parents are not screaming from the rafters complaining about this strategy. What if your teen was put through this process and had done absolutely nothing wrong? Ask any young person who catches a train to school and they will tell you that they have seen the dogs on the platform in the morning and have also witnessed people being searched in front of them or taken somewhere to be strip-searched. I'm sure that some will say that seeing this could be a great deterrent and may in fact help to prevent drug use. Maybe so but does that possible benefit outweigh the fact that these dogs are not perfect and so often, they get it wrong (remember, up to 85% of the time according to some figures!) … I'd really love to know how many more young people there are out there who've had a similar experience to Clare - my hunch is that there's a lot!

Police officers have a tough job - they put their lives on the line everyday to ensure the community is protected. As such, I am a supporter of giving police greater powers to keep them safer. Drug detection dogs, however, do not keep police safer, they just enable them to enter particular places without a warrant (something they weren't previously allowed to do) and search people when a dog displays a particular behaviour. I'll repeat what I said earlier, we don't even know what behaviour the dog needs to display, but based on whatever that is, police officers are allowed to pat people down, search them and their belongings and actually strip-search someone ...

Drug detection dogs can be useful tools to help prevent illicit drugs coming into the country. Using them as part of border control, whether that be at airports (checking cargo and luggage) or post offices (parcels and letters) makes perfect sense. I also have no problem with them being used to help stop the flow of drugs into the prison setting but should we really be seeing them on public transport and at entertainment venues? If there was one shred of evidence to suggest that the strategy was effective in any way, particularly when it comes to preventing drug-related harm amongst young people, who knows, I could possibly feel differently. Until then, to all parents out there - this may sound like a wonderful idea but I guarantee you won't feel the same when it is your innocent child that gets pulled over at a train station and searched ...

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Moderate alcohol consumption increases the risk of cardiovascular events and death.

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Alcohol and young women: "But I just want my daughter to be popular"

I've written about this topic a number of times before (in fact, I've even highlighted the same story I'm about to tell) but over the past couple of weeks I've visited a number of schools where I've encountered some particularly powerful (and not particularly pleasant) groups of young women in a year level and I thought it may be a good idea to raise the issue again …

A number of years ago I had just finished my Parent Information Evening at an elite girls' school and was speaking to a few parents afterwards. Time was getting on and the teacher who was looking after me for the night was shepherding those remaining parents out of the hall and when nothing else worked, she turned the lights out ... As I was following them out of the room this teary-eyed mother approached me from the corner of the room where she had been waiting until everyone else had left and said, "You're going to think I'm the worst mum in the world …"

Now parents have started conversations off with me in many ways, but I'd never heard that one before and thoughts instantly went through my head about what this woman could have possibly done that was so bad. Maybe I needed the teacher, or even the school counsellor with me for this one. She went onto say something like this:

"I just want my daughter to be popular. I totally get what you're saying about delaying her alcohol use for as long as possible and I appreciate all the research around brain development that you showed us tonight, but if I try to stop my 15-year-old daughter drinking and going to parties, she is going to lose her place in her social group. I wasn't popular at school and certainly wasn't in with the 'in-crowd'. I was on the outer my entire school life and I wouldn't wish that on my daughter for the world. She is in the popular group at the moment and I don't want to take that away from her by limiting her social life. I just don't know what to do ..."

By this time we were sitting outside the school grounds on a bench and she was really upset. She had found herself in a situation that she had no idea how to deal with and felt totally lost and had nowhere to go for answers. As she said to me, she felt she couldn't talk to her friends about it because she knew how she sounded - i.e., being popular was more important than being safe, and from her perspective, there was really so much more to it than that. She believed that school counsellors and the like would see her as a bad mother and there simply wasn't anywhere else for her to go ... The one person she had discussed it with was her own mother and that had been a disaster as she just dismissed her completely and told her to "grow a backbone and be a parent"!

Let me start by saying that I totally get where this mum was coming from - every parent wants the best for their child and that includes being popular (or at the very least not to be unpopular). We all want kids to have a positive friendship group that supports them, peers who are there for them to play with when they are younger and to socialise with as they reach adolescence. No-one (and I mean no-one) wants their child to feel socially excluded and on the outer. Children and adolescents can be cruel and we all want to protect our kids from being bullied and tormented by their peers. We all remember the 'popular group' - that group at school that just appeared to have everything going for them. They were usually really good looking, did reasonably well (but not too well) as far as academic results were concerned, were more likely to play sport and represent the school in at least a couple of activities and, most importantly, were at the centre of any social activity that took place on the weekend! Who wouldn't want their son or daughter to be a part of that group? It sure beats being a part of a group that sits on their own in the playground, is never invited anywhere and are only spoken to when someone feels the need to insult them for how they look or for the clothes they are wearing … As I said, kids can be incredibly cruel and every parent wants to protect their child from that kind of abuse.

I was certainly never in the 'popular group'. I had a great group of friends in my final two years of high school who were wonderful - but we were hardly in the group that everyone wanted to join! Do I wish I had been more popular? Absolutely! I'm sure it would have made those difficult years so much easier and I hope my nephews and niece (whom I love dearly) are unbelievably popular, well-liked and have great friendship groups that are supportive, positive and treat others well. But would I condone or tolerate them drinking alcohol at the age of 15 to help ensure that popularity? Most probably not ....

As my sister-in-law regularly tells me - "You're not a parent, so it's easy for you to say this" - so let me start by saying I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for a parent to deal with this sort of issue, but this is the advice I gave to the mother that evening ...

Firstly, I asked her if she wanted her daughter to drink alcohol at 15 - did she feel comfortable with it? She replied that she didn't, in fact, quite the reverse. When she had provided her daughter with a couple of drinks to take to a party (something her daughter told her that all her friends' parents did) she was terrified the whole night. I then asked her what she thought of the girls her daughter was hanging out with? Had she met any of their parents and, if so, what did she think of them? This took her quite a time to answer and when she finally did it was obvious that she was not overly impressed with her daughter's friends. She was extremely careful with what she said but it was clear that she thought that they weren't particularly nice girls (to be honest, I don't think they were in fact the 'popular group', they were more likely the 'evil princess group'. Although these girls believe they're popular, they're usually just feared! They certainly are powerful but they don't lead in a positive way, instead it is all about judgment and intimidation - not nice at all!). She knew almost nothing about their parents as her daughter had made it abundantly clear that she must make no contact with them whatsoever - that would be social suicide! I can almost guarantee, however, that the mothers of her daughter's friends were in a similar group when they went to school. As I always say, what happens to the 'mean girls' when they leave school? They usually become those hideous mothers who try to be their daughter's best friend and make other parents feel guilty for imposing rules and boundaries around things like alcohol and parties! Once again, not nice at all!

Now I don't want to sound like I am psychoanalysing anyone here, but this seems to me as though this is more the mother's issue and her trying to deal with the pain she had experienced when she was an adolescent than anything else. She had obviously been bullied by the very same type of group of girls that her daughter was now a part of and now found herself in exactly the same situation again, this time being bullied by her own daughter. When I raised this as a possibility the floodgates opened and she sobbed - I had certainly struck a chord.

As much as popularity is a wonderful thing, it's most probably better to aim for not being unpopular!

During adolescence, peer groups have a growing influence on behaviour and having a group of friends who are supportive, positive and caring, as well as accepting of others is incredibly important - whether they're popular or not. Let's make something very clear here - so many of the so-called 'popular' students I have had contact with have all of these attributes and so much more (i.e., not all popular teens make the not-so-popular kids' lives a misery! Many of these young people I meet strive to be inclusive, accepting and use their popularity in a positive way). It is also important to acknowledge that many of the young people who are on the 'fringe' are totally okay with that, in fact, they couldn't think of anything worse than being involved with the 'in-crowd'. They're completely comfortable in their own skins and often thrive in those groups that just don't quite 'fit in'!

Do we want our kids to have wonderful and thriving social lives? Of course we do, but we also want them to survive this difficult period called adolescence. Although supplying or tolerating alcohol use at a young age in order to maintain their popularity or social standing within a peer group may seem like a good idea to some parents in the short-term, realistically, when you look at the evidence, it simply isn't worth it!

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Risky parties and gatherings: What can a parent say to keep their teen as protected as possible?

Recently I was contacted by a parent who had recently attended one of my presentations and was concerned about an event that his son was going to attend. As with many of the emails I receive about concern regarding events, this one also had to do with a post-formal party. As anyone who reads my blog regularly knows, these are events I feel very strongly about and, as I always say, so often the parents who put them on are often completely unaware of the potential risks and the almost impossible position they put other parents into when they make the rules they do. The parent's email read as follows:

"After listening to you speak my wife and I are now struggling with how to deal with our 17 year-old son attending a post-formal party he has been invited to ... We have great problems with the party and its rules around alcohol consumption (the parents hosting have specified those wanting to drink may bring no more than 4 drinks with a note from their parent!). Our son is a non-drinker but of course wants to attend. 18th birthday parties are just about to begin (with similar rules no doubt) and even though we won't allow attendance at every 18th for study reasons the floodgates will be opening and non-attendance at friends' parties is not an option.  At this stage, resistance seems pointless and anti-social.  We aren't willing to make our responsible son suffer the humiliation of non-attendance in a battle against a culture that is so off track. Please, how do you think we should respond to this?  What advice do we give to our son and how do we give it?" 

First off, before anything else - no more than 4 drinks??? Do the parents hosting this event realize how much alcohol that actually is? If one of the girls invited (who could be as young as 16 years-old) brings four Smirnoff Double Blacks (the most popular drink amongst this age group) that means they will be consuming 7.6 standard drinks – more than a third of a bottle of vodka! The Australian drinking guidelines recommends that "for healthy men and women, drinking no more than four standard drinks on a single occasion reduces the risk of alcohol-related injury arising from that occasion" - and that's for adults! No number of drinks is recommended for those under 18 years of age, with the guidelines stating that "not drinking alcohol is the safest option."

Now I'm not an idiot and I realize that 'not drinking alcohol' is not realistic for many young people, but when parents suggest that 4 drinks is an appropriate number for a post-formal event, it really takes a lot of effort for me not to completely lose my cool!

So let's get back to the question the parent is posing ... how can you best deal with keeping your teen as safe as possible when they are attending events that you know are potentially risky? As much as many parents would love to keep their teen locked in their bedroom to keep them protected, you've got to let them out and it is important for them to go to parties and gatherings - that's where they learn to socialise, just like we did when we were teenagers. When they're 14, 15 and even 16, if a parent feels a party is not safe it is entirely appropriate for them to turn around and say that you're not going to let them go. I'm not saying it is always going to be easy but if you feel they could be in potential danger then it's your responsibility to act and do what you feel is necessary. In the final year of high school it gets more difficult, particularly in regards to 18th birthday parties and of course, pre- and post-formal events.

So if you've got to that point where you believe you can no longer prevent your teen from attending what you believe could be a risky party or gathering (as the parent said "resistance seems pointless and anti-social"), what advice should you be giving and how do you start the conversation?

I believe the best way to have the talk is to firstly find a good time for all concerned (according to what I have read lately, late at night, not early in the morning is the time of the day when they are most receptive – I always used to say over dinner but apparently that's not always the best time!) and then sit down with your teen and tell them about your concerns. Ask them to give you 5 minutes without them interrupting and then you will give them an opportunity to do just the same. Use this time to tell them clearly why you think the party is risky? Make sure you don't make value judgments about their friends and their friends' parents, just clearly outline why you are worried about the event. End your little speech by stating that regardless of all of that, you love them and you want them to be happy and have fun with their friends – they can go but you want them to now tell you why you shouldn't be worried … 

In my experience that is the best way to frame it – give them the opportunity (without you interrupting or asking any questions) to explain how they (and their friends) are going to look after themselves. Most of the parents that I have spoken to who have used this strategy have told me that they have been pleasantly surprised by the answer their teen provides … If nothing else, it encourages your teen to really think through exactly what could go wrong and what they would do in an emergency. Once they've given their answer, end the conversation by talking through a couple of things that may contribute to keeping them just a little safer at events that could be potentially dangerous. Some of these could include the following:

• Give them an 'out' – make sure they know that if they don't want to go to an event they're invited to, you're happy to play the bad guy and do a performance in front of their friends (you'd be surprised how many young people actually don't want to go to some of the events they get invited to or only want to go for a short period of time)
• Decide on a code word or the like just in case they want to leave but want to save face – they can then call you or send a text secretly and then 5 minutes later you call them (when they're now in front of everyone) and tell them that they have to come home for whatever reason
• Make sure they understand that they have your permission to call an ambulance if anything goes wrong. They need to call for help and then call you straight afterwards – they have your 100% support in this area
• Make it clear to them that they can call you at anytime and you will be available on the other end of the phone to pick them up, give advice or whatever. If they're going to call anyone for help, you want it to be you. They need to understand that there will be no judgment made when they call and no questions will be asked ... then! There may be lots of questions the next day - but at the time they call, you won't ask any!

As a parent, you've always got to look for those opportunities to 'allow' your child to do something - it's all well and good to try to protect your child by preventing them taking part in certain activities but at some point you do have to let go ... Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about letting your 14 or 15 year-old wander off to goodness knows where and of course, if you don't want them to do something, you need to say 'no' and then explain clearly why you have made that decision! But during that final year of high school it is important to look for opportunities, not only to allow them to prove to you that they are now young adults who are better able to look after themselves, but also to have quality conversations about safety and clearly outline to you why you shouldn't be as worried as you are.

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