Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Revelry

I used to be active on a certain Big Online Portal's question-and-answer feature, answering questions related to full marriage equality and relationship rights for all adults, and occasionally questions about teenager sexuality. I still read what goes on there. Every once in a while, someone will ask a question like this...

I caught my siblings making out, what should i do?

I caught my 16 year old sister and 17 year old brother making out, I don't really know what to do. To be honest I'm very shocked, and a bit disoriented thinking about it. They're both pretty attractive, I don't see why they would shack up with each other when they could go out and get people who... aren't related to them.

I want to tell ma and pa, but they begged me not to, don't really know how to approach this situation, Or if I should just respect their privacy. I guess I'm just worried about their mental health, but I guess that's pretty unfair of me to assume something is wrong with them.

What do i do?

For all we know, the teens "making out" with each other are both half-siblings to the asker, and unrelated to each other, or they could be stepsiblings or adopted siblings. Or, they could be half or full-blood siblings to each other. (It might have even been a reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction situation if the siblings have not been raised together.) Whatever their genetic, legal, and social relation, it isn't uncommon for siblings as close in age as they are, especially in their teens, to have such affection between them.

Also, we don't know where they live, and thus whether or not they live somewhere where it is legal for a 17-year-old and 16-year-old to have sex with each other.

Most therapists consider such sibling behavior, absent any coercion, force, or intimidation, to be mutual experimentation or exploration.

In general, however, my advice to someone in the asker's position is to:

1. Confirm this is a voluntary activity. If observing wasn't enough, ask the younger/smaller/less assertive/more needy sibling if they are being pressured, intimidated, coerced, or forced in any way.

2. Respect their privacy. Start by reminding them it's a good idea to be discreet and promise you will knock.

3. Protect and support them.

4. If needed, assist them in accessing contraception and health care.

(See this extensive advice at The Final Manifesto for friends and family of consanguinamorous siblings.)


Walking in on anyone "making out" with someone else can be unsettling, especially if you're uptight about your own sexuality. Walking in your sibling in such a situation can be more so. Walking in on your sibling doing something to which you have a personal aversion (in this case, making out with a sibling, but in other cases it might be group sex, or gay sex, etc.) can be all the more so. But just because you might not want to do something doesn't mean someone else shouldn't or is mentally ill for enjoying that activity or enjoying that other person in that way. There may also be some feelings of jealousy and sibling rivalry prompting some negative reaction.

As far as there being so many other people they could be with: that will always be the case with any relationship. There is always "someone else" any given person could be with, but that is no reason these two teenagers shouldn't be together in the way they want. They love, trust, and enjoy each other, and have something they would be unlikely to find in others. This is what is working for them. Trying to force them apart would only cause problems. They will either stop on their own, moving on to other lovers, or they won't, and will have to deal with the prejudices that exist against such love.

The advice for parents who walk in on such a situation is a little different if the parents are legally responsible for the lovers, and I tend to subscribe to "your house, your rules" to a certain extent.

Brandy likes to answer questions like these...

According to research I've seen, it's been estimated that between 25% to 50% of teenage guys would be gladly willing to engage in consensual sexual activities with their blood-related sisters if given the opportunity. Less than 1% of teenage females would be willing to do anything sexual with their brother, though. Your sister is simply in that smaller catagory. It doesn't mean that she's evil or twisted. As long as she hasn't been abused or molested, then she's probably emotionally healthy and mentally stable.

Brandy then goes on a bit of a tangent.

Aurélie also answered, giving her personal experience with the subject...

Well Charlie, what people want to do with themselves and with each other is their own business. No one is being harmed or defrauded by their activities.

Personally, I think that siblings enjoying each other's bodies is not wrong (as long as it's consensual).

My twin brother and I have been enjoying special intimacy and sexual fun together for 3 years (we're 17 now). We don't have sex, but we have a fantastic time french kissing and cuddling together without any clothes on. Sharing orgasms by rubbing our "down there" parts together is by far the best.

If our parents found out, then we wouldn't deny it. We'd tell them that we love and respect each other. We don't lie to each other, and we don't cheat on each other. There isn't any drama or jealousy. We've never been naked with anyone else, so there aren't any STD's.

And I was the one who suggested that we start sharing our bodies and have some intimate fun together. It was completely my idea. At first my brother flatly refused to believe me. He couldn't believe that I was offering myself up to him on a silver platter, and he was certain that my request was a prank or a set-up, or that one of my friends was hiding somewhere and would burst out and start laughing at him. I finally gave up trying to verbally convince him, so I just stripped naked for him. That's when he said "Wow! OK! Great!"

Would people prefer that I instead had chosen a classmate from school or gotten a serious BF who would have screwed me and then immediately dumped me when I was 14? A guy who would have lied to me? A guy who would have boasted about screwing me to all of his friends? A guy who might have given me an STD? Assuming 2 BF's per year, then by now I might have been screwed by 6 different guys already, so ask all of those same questions again 5 more times.

Because my brother and I have shared something very special together (and continue to do so), today we're still virgins and yet we're both wonderfully sexually satisfied. So are the activities that I'm sharing with my brother really that horrible? Not in my opinion. We both really enjoy it, and we both treasure the fact that we genuinely care about each other. We don't ever feel the need to wear masks around each other. The sense of complete freedom is awesome beyond measure.

Siblings are better off being intimate, practicing on each other, and enjoying each other... instead of allowing themselves to be lied to and used by unrelated STD-infested players and gold-digging b*tches who wouldn't give a crap about their feelings.

Finding your siblings together in this way does not need to disrupt the home. This sort of thing has gone on for all of human history, in every culture, in rural families and urban families, poor families and rich families.

People in consanguinamorous relationships like the one described in the question can find some support.

Also see:
Jane's Doe's Blog Entry to Parents of Consanguinamorous Children
Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory
Can Siblings Marry?

This entry addresses questions like Why would brothers and sisters have sex? Why would siblings have sex? I caught my siblings or brother and sister having sex; what should I do? I caught my brothers having sex. I caught my sisters having sex. Do siblings have sex?

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Genetic Sexual Attraction, Incest, and Consanguinamory

To act, or not to act, that is the question.

As always, I am talking about consensual sex, not molestation, assault, or rape.

Close relatives may experience mutual attraction as a result of Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), Genetic Attraction, Familial Sexual Attraction, or some other experience or phenomenon. I’m addressing these together because they all involve close relatives. These things can lead to incest (consanguineous sex, or consanguinamory) in the form of sibling sex, parent-adult child sex, cousin sex, etc. It may also lead to marriage or spousal relationships. While all sexual activity related to these can be called consanguineous, reuniuon GSA-initiated consanguinamory is a special subset and it should be noted that opinions of those who have been in such relationships towards non-reunion consanguinamory range from support to indifference to uneasiness to condemnation.

Speaking of GSA, there is a split in the GSA community about whether to act or not (or to stop acting). Many people who have experienced GSA, prior to having the experience, had never considered the possibility of being attracted to a close relative and may have thought the idea disgusting, but they found themselves attracted to a close biological relative anyway. Those in the GSA community against acting or continuing to act have various motivations; a bad personal experience acting on GSA, a priority of obedience to laws (even if unjust), their personal sexual mores, and perhaps for some, intense emotion about something they never had or can no longer have. They may very well think they are sparing others pain by urging them not to act. But others say the pain for them was in delaying the reality that they had been reunited with someone who was now their true love.

I deal with common arguments against the rights to share love, sex, residence, and marriage on this page. But just because one should have the right to share these things with a relative doesn’t mean they should share these things in any given case. That is the point of why I am writing this.

ALL romantic or sexual relationships are emotionally risky. Most do not work out, or most of us would still be in our first one. As with any relationship, you should be the one making that decision for you, not anybody else. Don't let others decide for you. There are trade-offs and emotional risks in any relationship. With a possible consanguinamorous relationship, there are generally pros and cons, and with GSA, there is likely to be pain and struggle no matter what course is taken. Ultimately, each situation can have different factors than others, but there are some general considerations I will address.

If there is mutual attraction, and that is a big if, there are many things that should be considered before becoming more physically intimate. Notice that to one extent or another, these apply to relationships with nonrelatives as well.

First, the cautionary considerations…



1. Is this person right for you, right now? In this stage of your life, are you looking for a spouse? A partner? A roommate? A date? A dance partner? A friend-with-benefits? Is this person a good choice for that? (With a GSA situation, you may not know until you spend more time with them; some other times, you already know they aren’t. If you have been with this close relative all of your life, you should have a fairly good idea either way, which is one of the advantages of consanguinamory.) We’ve all known people, perhaps ourselves, who have been attracted to someone who is all wrong for us, or at least we were wrong for each other in that stage of our lives. Nobody should voluntarily subject themselves to a toxic person, relative or not, and some people aren't toxic, but they just aren't right for you because of personality differences, lifestyle differences, and wanting different things out of life. With parent-adult child GSA, there is sometimes (not always) a good reason why the child was kept away from the adult, or given away by the adult; sometimes in those cases, things have gotten better in the decades since. Whether or not a person is right for you may have to do whether you are just looking for recreation, a release, to express your love, or satisfy a curiosity.

2. Is it cheating? I am against cheating. I also generally support keeping a family together. This means that if one has existing vows to another that preclude entering into this new (or new level of) relationship, especially if there are children being raised in that home, I would urge against it. In a perfect world, everyone would talk it over and the addition would be accommodated, but I know this would be extremely unlikely in a relationship where closed monogamy is expected, or even in open or polyamorous relationships where someone doesn’t want to give up status as the primary.

Genetic Sexual Attraction presents a special situation as overwhelmingly powerful feelings flood a person, often suddenly and without warning. There still isn’t much awareness about GSA. Thus, you can have someone who would not otherwise violate their vows to another/others do that very thing. For example, there can be a woman happily married to a man in monogamous, closed marriage, and she would never have an affair with a coworker or neighbor or the brother with whom she was raised. But one day she finds out she has a slightly older half brother or one her age, and upon meeting, they have a powerful attraction and start to spend a lot of time together and engage in constant communication. Just their mere emotional bonding may be threatening to her husband; all the more so if the relationship becomes sexual. There is the possibility that if the husband remains, his wife may return to monogamy with him. But there is also the possibility that she will leave him for her half brother.


3. Are you willing to deal with the possible fallout? Emotional relationships will always have fallout, but with consanguinamory there can be legal, professional, familial, and social fallout. This blog supports the right of consenting adults to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults, but the present reality is that consanguinamory is illegal in many places, and even if not illegal, not legally protected. It is also looked down upon by some who take it upon themselves to be concerned with the love lives of others. Thus, coming out or being outed may result in prosecution, discrimination, bullying, and jealousy on the part of others. These factors can be minimized through moving to a location where consanguineous sex is not illegal or not prosecuted, and/or where your biological connection is not known. Discretion can be absolutely essential. There are too many power-hungry people in legislatures and law enforcement (and it only takes a few) who want to interfere in the love and sex lives of others, and much hateful prejudice among others who will discriminate against and harass your family if they find out something like this.

4. Is there a possibility of a sexually transmitted infection?


5. If this is heterosexual, has fertility, the possibility of pregnancy, and contraception been discussed?

Now, for some encouragement…

6. There ARE people in lasting, happy, consanguinamorous relationships, some with the support of family and friends; there are people who had positive experiences with youthful experimentation or play.

7. Consanguineous sex, consanguinamory, and consanguineous marriages are not new things, nor are they rare. The fact is, these things have been going on for literally all of human history in various cultures and every level of society. From the rich to the poor, royalty to commoners, educated to ignorant, urban to rural, young to elderly, close family members have done everything from engaging in playful experimentation to forming lasting spousal relationships. Consanguineous sex is normal, natural, common, and can be enjoyable and beneficial.

8. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you’re right for each other, don’t deny yourselves, deny each other, or waste the lives of others by entangling them in an effort to avoid your true love. As a wise person who has been there puts it, “I ran from the one person who would have supported and loved me for who I am, not who he wanted me to be, or for what I could do for him and my children and I have paid the price for two decades.” Fortunately, there is a happy ending in that case.


9. It can be a wonderful experience or even a deep and abiding love. If the situation is just a matter of curiosity and exploration, who better to learn with? But if it is more than that, be assured that consanguineous lovers often report that consanguinamory is deep and powerful; that other relationships pale in comparison. It is a special bond that brings happiness, a caring partner, and security. Who cares for you more?

10. In instances of GSA, it can be positive compensation for something that was lost and can never be regained.


If there is love; mutual attraction, trust, and respect; compatibility in availability, goals, personalities, personal styles and habits (notice that these may take some time together to determine); and the above considerations have been made, don’t let anyone stop you.

You may want to go slowly.

Here is how to make it happen.

How to pull off living together.

Refer your family and friends to THIS page and anyone who wants to be an ally should read this.

You may want to check out:

Suppression Brings Ongoing Pain

Avoid Hurtful People

Hate Adds Pain to Genetic Sexual Attraction

You can also contact me through fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

(Edited to correct errors and for clarification)

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Still No Good Reason to Deny the Right to Marry

In August of this year, Tom Head decided to respond at thoughtco.com to "10 Really Bad Arguments Against Same-Sex Marriage" by the American Family Association. Since the limited monogamous same-sex freedom to marry was legalized over two years prior, I'm not sure why this was published  in August, unless it was intended for people in Australia or other places that need to get moving on marriage equality.

Unfortunately, Head throws ethical nonmonogamists who want to marry under the bus with this one...

Argument #2: Polygamy Will Follow If Same-Sex Marriage Is Legalized

Whether or not there's a connection between polygamy and homosexuality, there's been no proof of this since same-sex marriage was legalized in June 2015. Even if the concern had a rational basis and polygamy rates were to suddenly spike, there's a simple solution – propose a constitutional amendment banning polygamy.  

Head's response to what is essentially Discredited Argument #7 should have been "So what"?

What's the problem with letting an adult marry any and all consenting adults? That's called...

E-Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y

As we see, there is no good argument against full marriage equality. Let's stand up for the rights of ALL adults to have the relationships to which they mutually agree.

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Is Being Poly Genetic?

The Ferrett addresses, “Polyamory Genetic? Is Homosexuality Genetic?”

My thoughts on a genetic polyamory link are the exact same as my thoughts on a genetic homosexual link:

I don’t care.

Right! We have many things, including the technology I’m using to write this and you are using to read this, which are not part of our genetics. What difference does it make? See Discredited Argument #5.

Even if the gays were, as some suggest, all conspiring in one big plot to annoy us fine-thinking straight people, wincing as they sucked distasteful d--- and reluctantly chowed p---y out of some misplaced form of rebellion, it should still be allowed.

The truth is, gay sex is between consenting adults, and it hurts no one but those adults – there are way more deadly car accidents caused by beers than queers. You may consider gayness to be a bad choice, but two people should be free to make bad choices together. And what people want to do for fun in their private life is something that should be allowed, no matter how distasteful it may be to me.

Agreed. See Discredited Argument #1.

We often get caught up in the “nature vs. nurture” aspect of gay and transgender issues, forgetting that this is playing to the conservative bent. What’s important is that people all over the world should have the freedom to live their lives as they see fit assuming they’re not actively harming anyone, and as such Teh Gay Should Be Okay.

So is gay genetically disposed? I say probably, but it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.

Getting to polyamory…

I’m sure there are tendencies genetically towards certain aspects that encourage polyamory, but polyamory is such a complex term, encompassing so many styles of relationships, that I don’t think a single set of genes could really cover it.

I think we have enough evidence that some people are not monogamous; it goes against their nature, whether being polyamorous can be found in their genes or not.

But it’s irrelevant. I’ve heard it said that after gay marriage gets settled, they’ll be coming after the polyamorous relationships next.

We can only hope. Actually, I’d like to see it all settled at the same time; full marriage equality.

Miranda commented…

For people questioning their identity, I can see how it would be helpful to know that this is what is natural for you. But do we have to use it to justify ourselves with the opposition? I’d rather not anyway.

Yes. It doesn’t matter if someone is turned off by something, or thinks it is harmful to the lovers. An adult should not need to get permission from some politician to be who she or he is and love the person(s) she or he does in the ways to which they mutually consent. An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults, without prosecution, persecution, and discrimination.



Is polyamory natural Is polyamory genetic Is being polyamorous natural Is being polyamorous genetic Is polygamy natural

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There Is No Good Reason to Deny the Consanguineous Freedom to Marry

Over and over again, we see there is no good reason to deny people in consanguinamorous relationships their right to be together, including their freedom to marry. There is no good reason to deny full marriage equality for all adults.

Anti-equality bigots don't have good arguments, so instead of arguing they'll usually say, after making their ignorant assertion, something like "I'm not going to discuss this any further!" or they'll try to insult the person who disagrees with their hateful, prejudiced statements.

Repeating the same prejudiced assertion over and over again isn't an argument.

The rhetorical equivalents of jumping up and down, rolling eyes, pointing, and saying "See! We said this would happen!" is not an argument.

Recently [a while ago now], a bunch of sister publications profiled a couple who are Friends of FME and Friends of Lily and even more recently, professional anti-equality websites printed reactions because they knew it would get them a lot of hits. Their readers actually like to read about these relationships, as is obvious from their reactions and comments. Of course they claim to protest, but their actions betray them. They read, and then shriek into the echo chamber a few of the usual Discredited Arguments, often #1, 4, 18, and 22.

They don't bother to consider that the couple in the article not only were not raised together, but didn't even know of each others' existence until they were heading for middle age. The haters don't bother to take into account this couple will not be having children. They do not grasp that saying "they'll have mutant babies!" doesn't apply because they're not going to be having babies together. (These people often have much ignorance about human sexuality and reproduction.)

I replied to the tweets from the official accounts, and that prompted some rabid haters to attack me. They kept repeating Discredited Arguments 1, 18, and 22 and restating what they thought was going on, as if these were reasons the lovers shouldn't be together. They kept addressing me as though I was someone in the article, demonstrating a lack of a grasp on basic reality.

I detail the Twitter exchanges below, but I offer a TRIGGER WARNING because of their bigotry, which includes transphobia, homophobia, ableism, anti-equality, anti-consanguinity, and sexual assault.



I tweeted to @BethanyRedYarn @BreitbartNews "They're for real. And many other people have similar lives. But nobody can make you believe it."


For that, someone named "Cole" @xXNoPCXx replied with the ever-so-thoughtful...

Just look at the picture... No need to even respond, to this idiotic ranting of a confused child of incest.

By picture, I assume he means the same picture at the top corner of this blog. Somehow, from that, he infers my parents are close relatives, though they aren't.

Here's an "argument" that was typical of "Cole" @xXNoPCXx

You're talking about incest, that's not a right you ignorant f---.

(Censoring by me to protect your delicate eyes. Yeah, he's got quite the potty mouth.) It didn't matter how much I gave him links to try to enlighten him. Another one from him...

If science isn't proof enough, I guess I'm out of luck. Go f--- your goat.

By "science" he apparently meant Discredited Argument #18; never mind they won't be having kids. I tweeted back "So if they are older, sterile, or same-sex, you have no objection? Or is this just a red herring?" To which his fail of a response was...

No red herring. It's disgusting and science proves my point.

He thinks his saying "science" is some kind of magic word, apparently, even though he's wrong. He also had this priceless analysis...

You think because you're tolerant, and I'm not, I'm not Christian like. Surprise, you're an idiot.

Yes, Cole is definitely Christian-like, as we can see. I hadn't said anything about religion, so this must be a canned answer he uses to charm people.

A typical assertion of his...

Consenting siblings should be able to f--- each other is disturbing. Like being a tranny. It's not right. At all.

He couldn't explain exactly what was wrong with transgender people or consenting adults being together. His slur that these things are disturbing doesn't make it so. He got paranoid...

As they infringe on my rights? It's unhealthy and if people with same parents want to f---, go to Iraq.

He couldn't explain exactly how adults being together how they want would infringe on his rights. I have no idea what Iraq has to do with this. These relationships exist everywhere. I wrote "Also, we let people w/ obvious genetic diseases have sex, marry, have children. So why not healthy 40-somethings?" His response?

You're a walking example of that

Well, there you go. He sure showed me, didn't he? Not really. He tried this brilliant argument...

And there are laws against incest. Google it

I responded "There were laws against interracial relationships, too. And there are no laws against it in many countries, and three states."

Even though he seemed to think some places having laws against it was enough, he jumped to another position and wrote...

I don't need a law to tel me something is wrong. Maybe you do

To which I responded with "But you do need a good reason to deny people their rights. Otherwise you'll keep losing in courts." I also wrote "It is immoral to persecute consenting adults for loving each other. How about dem apples?"

His brilliant retort?

That's a stupid statement from a stupid person. If one consents to f---ing horses, is that okay too? Consent doesn't equal acceptable you moronic waste of incest. Go f--- your sister and leave me alone

I explained, "We're talking consenting adults who can enter into legal contracts, which is what marriage is. You never gave a reason to outlaw."

Defeated multiple times, he went on to Discredited Argument #22...

It's mentally unhealthy. Ask a Dr. You need help, go enjoy cuddling with your mother and sister. 

It's pretty sad that people spout off their hatred as though it is meaningful.

Someone named Ms. Understood, RN @TDsVoice jumped in because she apparently didn't think there was enough hate, but she couldn't handle me and blocked me. But before she did, she wrote...

Why do u keep trying 2 convince me what ur doing isn't harmful? U should be convinced yet ur not.

Patiently, I wrote "I'm not doing anything but defending people who met in their 40s and fell in love. Do you have a reason to deny them their rights?"

She didn't, but she thought throwing out an "Amen!" to her own statement was somehow convincing.

Let's get back to Cole @xXNoPCXx. Completely impotent against reason and legal precedents, he came up with this skillful line of logic, still mistaking me for some imaginary foe of his own mind...

Go away you sister f---ing, goat raping pedophile. It's not a right to f--- your siblings.

Yes, defending middle-aged people who met as adults and fell in love means someone is a "sister f---ing, goat raping pedophile." Can you believe people like this get to vote? We've made it clear and made it clear to them repeatedly that we're talking about consenting adults. We're against abuse. But Cole sure seems to think sexually about kids a lot. And goats. Maybe there's something he needs to get off his chest?

Since the anti-equality people have no good arguments, they will keep losing. It is just a matter of time before laws catch up to reality as well as court precedents so that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults. Thanks to Cole and Ms. Understood (who certainly did misunderstand) for demonstrating again the lack of reason on the anti-equality side.

Since both of these people are in such a delicate state, you should use discretion should you decide to tweet back to them, which of, course, you are free to do until they block you.


To see all my Tweets, go to http://www.twitter.com/FullMEquality

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Is there a difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old? Do parents use the 'extra half' to justify concerning teen behaviour?

I am considering writing another book at the moment (it's been almost 8 years since the last one was published!) and so have been taking special note of the questions I am being asked by those attending my seminars. As regular readers would know, sometimes a particular question just comes right out and hits me between the eyes, screaming to be written up as a blog entry. Over the last couple of weeks, however, I have been noticing a particular way that questions have been asked by some of the parents after my talks that I find fascinating and I thought was worth discussing ...

Recently a mother came up to me after a Parent Information Evening and asked me the following question:

"My 15⅟₂-year-old daughter is going to parties and I know she is drinking. She knows our rules around this issue and we have never caught her with alcohol but we know it is happening. My husband and I don't like her going behind our backs and we're frightened other things are going to start being done and pushed underground if we don't do something quickly. She's 15⅟₂ and we're wondering whether it's time to relax the rules before she goes ahead and breaks them anyway ..."

That same night a couple asked me how to deal with their 16⅟₂-year-old son who was asking if he could start taking a couple of drinks to take to a party because 'everybody else does'. Last week a similar thing happened, again with two separate queries from parents both beginning their questions by referring to their teen not as 15 but as 15⅟₂! After the second mother asked her question I asked her why she had referred to her daughter as 15⅟₂ and not as a 15-year-old or a Year 10. She was a little taken aback at first and then replied by saying that 'she was almost 16' ... I then said that I didn't mean to be rude but when was her actual birthday? It became pretty obvious pretty quickly that her daughter wasn't even close to 15⅟₂, in fact, she had only recently had her 15th birthday! I then told her why I had asked the question and my recent observations in this area. We then had quite a lengthy talk about why she (and other parents) were using this 'extra half' when they talked about their teens. After the discussion we came to the conclusion that it often appears to be used by parents to justify one or both of the following:

• changes to their parenting that they didn't necessarily feel comfortable with but felt they had been 'forced' or coerced into doing because of their child's behaviour
• changes in their teen's behaviour that was beginning to cause concern but they felt powerless to control

I'm not a psychologist but I'm sure there's some other stuff going on there as well but for the purposes of this piece, let's stick to these. What is particularly interesting is that in my dealings with adolescents I can't recall any young person refer to themselves as 15⅟₂ or 16⅟₂. I'm sure it's happened (and I am sure many parents reading this will say that their teens throw the extra six months at them all the time, particularly when they want to push set boundaries or rules) but in my experience, it's certainly not the norm. Lots of them may say "I'm almost 16" but adding the 'extra half' appears to be much more a parent thing ...

So is there a difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old (or a 16 and a 16⅟₂-year-old for that matter) and does that six months difference justify sacrificing your values around potentially dangerous teen behaviour?

Of course there can be a chasm of difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old. During adolescence dramatic changes can occur overnight, let alone over a six-month period. This is why it is so important that as far as rules and boundaries are concerned they keep changing and are re-negotiated where appropriate. I believe, a good rule of thumb around parties and gatherings is to reassess the limits that have been set in this area at least once every six months, ensuring that you reward good behaviour. Remember, if you want your household to survive adolescence, rules for teenagers need to be fair and age-appropriate ... That said, there need to be rules! No 15 or 16-year-old is going to like having any restrictions put on them when it comes to their socialising but it is a parent's job to keep their teen safe, so there have to be boundaries put into place to help ensure things don't go wrong ...

Taking a closer look at the questions the parents were asking where they referred to their teens as either 15⅟₂ or 16⅟₂, it's clear that none of them felt at all comfortable with what was happening but they all felt totally powerless when it came to trying to stop what was going on. One of the couples had recently found alcohol in their Year 10 daughter's room and she had now admitted to regularly drinking at parties. Her response to them had been that now she had been caught she was going to continue to drink and there was nothing they could do about it. I asked them what they had done about the situation and they looked blankly at me and said 'nothing'! She was 15 (or 15⅟₂ as they said!), of course there are consequences a parent can impose for breaking rules at that age. It's not going to be easy, there could be some shouting and screaming and slamming of doors, but if nothing is done, you lose all your credibility and your teen is then going to walk all over you. More importantly, you'll be leaving them open to risks and dangers they simply don't have the capacity to comprehend or deal with at their age.

All the parents that I have mentioned above were feeling forced in some way to accept behaviour around alcohol from their teens that they did not feel comfortable with (i.e., they were threatened with "I'll go behind your back if you don't let me", "There is nothing you can do about it" and "Everybody else does"). I don't think one of them wanted me to turn around and say "Yes, let them do what they want" - all of them were desperate for someone to tell them to stand resolute and be a parent! Of course, rules need to change over time but when it comes to keeping your teen safe, these need to negotiated carefully and, as a parent, you should never feel forced into making changes you don't feel comfortable with ... If your teen's behaviour starts to become really challenging and you feel as if they are at real risk, get professional help, don't try to justify it by saying "Oh, they're getting older, they're 16⅟₂!" 

The most important thing you can do as a parent when it comes to alcohol, parties and gatherings and the like is stay true to yourself and your values. I have met too many parents over the years who have lost their children due to alcohol or other drug use - the vast majority being terrible accidents that should never have happened. When a parent loses a child after being forced or coerced into doing something they didn't feel comfortable with, however, it is particularly devastating. If you feel like it's time to relax your rules in this area, for whatever reason, go ahead and change them accordingly and own your decision. But never feel forced into making changes that don't feel right for you or your family - for as I always say to young people - 'If it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't!'

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Gulab Jamun with gulkand.

Happy Diwali to all of you!!

 I wanted to make something my kids liked. My daughter loves gulab Jamun. This was also one of the first desserts that I made growing up. Gulab Jamun is nothing but dumplings in rose flavored sugar syrup. There are several ways gulab Jamun is made: using milk solids ( mawa/Chenna), using paneer, using flour, using milk powder, using potato or sweet potato too... I like the one with the milk solids the best.

 Today to make it quick and to use what is readily available, I have used milk powder and pancake mix!! Yes, most households have both of these in their pantry. I have made this interesting by adding more gulkand( a paste made from rose petals) and a little pink food color into the batter. It is festive season after all!! My daughter loved it!

I am sure you will like this easy recipe too.

Servings: 6-8 ( serving size: one per person) 

Ingredients: 

For the dumpling ( Jamun): 

Pancake mix: 1 cup

Milk powder: 1 cup 

Milk: 2 tbsp 

Gulkand: 2 tbsp ( optional)

Pink food color: 1-2 drops ( optional)

Ghee or oil: for frying and greasing hand. 

For the syrup:

Sugar: 2 cups

Water: 1 cup

Lemon juice: 1/2 tsp 

Rose essence: few drops ( optional)

Cardamom : 1-2 pods, peeled and seeds crushed.

Recipe: 

Syrup: 

Add water, lemon juice and sugar to a saucepan and bring it to a boil. Continue boiling until it reaches 1-string consistency. This is checked by taking a little syrup in a spoon. Now touch the pad of your index finger to the syrup. Make a pinch with the thumb. While trying to separate the thumb and index finger, you should see a string formed by the sugar syrup. Then the sugar syrup is ready. Turn off the flame. Add rose essence and cardamom powder. 

The dumpling( Jamun): 

Add the pancake mix, milk powder, gulkand and food color to a bowl. Using few drops of milk at a time, make a soft dough but enough to roll into a ball. The dough shouldn't be too soft or too hard. Do not overknead. Pinch a teaspoon of the dough and roll it between grease palms into small oval shaped ball. Do this with all the available dough. 

Heat ghee/oil in a kadai/wok until just hot. Do not make it very hot as the Jamun will burn. If the oil is cold, it will become very oily. Deep fry all the jamuns. The jamuns should puff up a little upon frying. Drain on paper towels. Immediately add it to the hot syrup. 

Let the Jamun sit in the syrup for atleast an hour. They will atleast double in size. If they don't then something was wrong with your batter.

Can be served cold or at room temperature. 

Refrigerate for later use.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy: 

Upon frying if the Jamun is too hard, just steam it for a few minutes and add it to the hot syrup. 

Tip for healthy living: 

Deep frying in ghee/clarified butter is a healthier option than in oil as the ghee takes longer to smoke or chemically disintegrate when compared to the oil. 

Food for thought: 

The actions of men is the best interpreters of their thoughts. James Joyce 

Please do share your thoughts. Your opinion matters!

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Open Letter to the Accomplished and Famous: Come Out Consanguinamorous

We know you're there. You're generally famous or at least famous in your industry, mostly because you're highly accomplished. And... you're consanguinamorous or have experience with consanguinamory. Some of you need to come out.

You're a performance artist, whether an actor or singer or musician or model.
Or you're someone who's held executive positions in the biggest companies.
Or you're an academic.
Or you're a top athlete.
Or a high ranking member of the military.
Or a journalist or author with national stature.
Or... you have some other place in life.


Whatever the case, you've "made it." You have the admiration and respect of a lot of people.

But what hardly anyone knows about you is that you are enjoying, or have enjoyed, a special relationship with a close relative, or you might even be exclusively or primarily attracted to close relatives. Maybe you have an unrequited attraction; the other person knows about it, but the two of you have not become "double bonded."


You need to seriously consider coming out.


We often advise people that the way to protect themselves is to keep things quiet. But if you're willing, we are hereby encouraging you to come out.


Because in coming out, you'll help so many people. You'll open and change minds, you'll give comfort to people who are oppressed. You'll help full marriage equality happen sooner rather than later.

Are there risks? Yes, there are. Some people will hate you because of your feelings or because of your love. There are currently no laws against an employer firing you for being consanguinamorous. Most US states still criminalize such love between consenting adults.


Part of changing that, though, is for people to see that consanguinmorists do exist, they're everywhere, in every demographic and place in society, and there's nothing wrong with consanguinamory. It's easy to dismiss the occasional "couple next door" who have their stories detailed in news media, especially when people don't know their name.

But if someone famous comes out, it's different. It would be very brave, emotionally liberating, and, more importantly, helpful if you came out.

You might be able to tell your story without coming out. I'm willing to tell your story while protecting your anonymity, and if you're connected, I'm sure you can get your story published in a popular mainstream outlet under a pen name. Either of those things would be good.

You can also wait until you've passed. I'd rather you not leave us, but if you don't want to deal with the backlash, perhaps recording or writing something to be released posthumously is the way to go for you?

But it would be even better if you actually came out, while still alive.

Talk with your lawyers, therapists, supportive friends and family, and especially your partner(s), and then, after careful consideration and planning, let the world know there's nothing wrong with your "forbidden" love. You may want to establish residence where your love isn't criminalized, first.


Coming out on your terms is better than being outed against your will. We'd never do that to anyone, except perhaps someone who makes a point of speaking out against civil rights. We very strongly suspect that we know of some very famous actors and musicians who have experienced reunion GSA. Of course we'd never out you, but we hope our writings and videos have given you some comfort.

There are various ways to come out, of course.

You can tweet, publish an essay, or upload a video or audio statement that directly deals with the issue, or do an interview that is solely about the issue or touches upon it. If your professional line of work our your hobby involves creating content, that content can deal with the subject.

There are gradual ways, such as making a point of excpressing support for the rights of ALL adults to marry or simply be together, "no matter their gender, orientation or relation." If you ever discuss the issue with someone who is anti-equality, they will typically bring up "Well what about people who want to be with close relatives?" Asking them, "Why should they be denied their rights?" can take you down the path to outing yourself.

You could give a sign by adopting the Friends of Lily symbol.

If you're currently in a consanguinamorous relationship, you could simply stop hiding that fact by enjoying dates out with your lover(s), holding hands, kissing, etc. People will begin to talk, and when someone brings it up you can say you're in love.

Being in control by outing yourself intentionally is better than being outed by someone else, especially if it catches you off guard. Ultimately, though, it should be your decision whether, when, and how to come out, but if you do, you'll be a hero for doing so. Coming out will help a lot of people.

Whether you're ever going to come out or not, you are welcome to write me and I will keep what you tell me private and protect your identity, as I have done with so many others. I can be reached at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

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Oregon Still Wasting Resources Prosecuting Consenting Adults

Here's an update on lovers we last covered on this blog over two years go.

Why are the authorities in Oregon still wasting time, energy, and money prosecuting consenting adults for loving each other? This doesn't help anything. It just makes things worse, and is unconstitutional.

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