Light-to-moderate alcohol use reduces risk of death

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The French Connection

People in polyamorous relationships are everywhere, as are people in consanguinamorous relationships, though consanguinamorists are more likely to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. And sometimes, people in what amounts to a polyamorous consanguinamorous marriage are willing to be interviewed. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally marry her spouses, yet they can't, and people in many countries could be harassed, persecuted, imprisoned, and stripped of their children if they were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love. Fortunately, in France, they are safe from criminal prosecution.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this woman has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?


*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Morag: All our family are white British, although now we all live in France to be safe. I am a woman of 52 years, I am a full time mum and housewife, although I occasionally consult with my sister as an experienced pediatrician.

My sister-wife is 51 years old and runs our GP practice.

Our husband and son is 33 years old and is a software engineer for one of the big tech giants.

FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married?

We had a ceremonial marriage ceremony with my sister and son when my son reached adulthood.

We are really into naturism, Gaianism and environmentalism so we decided to create a part of our garden that is very secluded and helpful to the local wildlife. We planted a circular hedgerow with long grass on the outside, then a garden of flower and short grass where anyone could sit or sunbath and just enjoy themselves for whatever purpose.

We decided on a nude wedding with just flowers in our hair for decoration. We really wanted to get in touch with nature with our wedding and just be one with each other and the world.

We were lucky that one our close friends is a humanist celebrant and she agreed to conduct a non binding ceremony. We exchanged rings, one for each partner, and vows. We consummated the relationship afterwards in the spot we were married. I cried tears of joy afterwards, having my new husband's seed in me and being surrounded with beauty and life was just so spiritually uplifting for me.

FME: How would you describe your genders? How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

We are all cisgender and polyamorist. I am pansexual, I just love all the beings and creatures on this earth. My sister is bisexual and my son has suggested he’s bi-curious.

All three of us are more attracted to family members than non-family. The closer the relation the stronger the attraction.

FME: You currently live with...?

It is myself, my sister-wife and our husband, who my son, her nephew, along with five children; three between me and our husband and another two between my sister and our husband.

FME: This is a polyamorous triad between a woman, her sister, and the woman's son? Are you and your sister full blood siblings, half siblings, adopted siblings, or stepsiblings?

We are a polyamorous triad that is correct. My sister and I are full blood relations.

FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? Can you describe your sexual awakening? 

Our family has a bit of history with being consanguinamorous. Our parents are first cousins and our paternal grandparents were half siblings. Nobody had a problem with that and they were quite open about it. Other than that, sex was never discussed.

My sexual awakening was when I was ten. I walked in on my little sister while she was having a bath. She had just started puberty. Something unlocked in my mind after that, I thought she was the most beautiful being I’d ever seen. I was in love with her and wanted to pleasure her. I had no idea how I would do that and I wouldn’t know what a lesbian was for several years.

As far as relationships go, I am a lot more consang than poly. I’m with my partners because we’re related; being polyamorous allows me to express and share that love. I tried a few non-consang relationships in my teens but it was never fulfilling for me. I could never love them or enjoy the sex to the same degree.

FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationships? How did this triad form?

My sister and I were quite experimental growing up, we would sneak out and find a secluded spot to kiss and touch other. As we got older we added a bit more eventually progressing to having sex with each other quite regularly. I was just super comfortable being with her.

As my son reached the age of consent, my sister and I were toying with the idea of a ceremonial marriage; we were very much in love. We had a son we both adored, it seemed right to do something amongst ourselves as a family. It was clear he was attracted to both is us, so 

I suggested we should just all three of us get married to each other.

FME: Can you describe your feelings during those processes?

With my sister, there was a lot of anxiety. We were still young and naive in matters sexual. All our exploration was mostly guess work. That gradually subsided as we gained experience, maturity and became more confident in our ability to conceal what we were doing.

With my son, it was pure excitement, I hadn’t had heterosexual intercourse since he was born and it had been on my mind for a long time.

FME: Before this,had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? 

At that time, I was much into the radical feminism and the idea that heterosexual and monogamous relationships were oppressive to everyone, so anything consang, gay/lesbian, poly was preferable.

I had some feelings for my mum and dad but they weren’t as strong as those for my sister and, later, my son.

FME: How do you describe the sex/lovemaking now? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic?

Our lovemaking is always exciting and fulfilling. Before being with my son, any heterosexual sex I experienced was quite dull. It was just straightforward oral and vaginal sex. After being married into a triad, I was overwhelmed with the desire to experience every sexual pleasure and explore and use all of my body. We began experimenting more. Once we broke the incest taboo every other taboo just didn’t seem to matter much. It’s certainly the best and most fulfilling sex I have ever had.

FME: Is sex or sleeping arrangements generally scheduled?

We have to schedule everything. We’re a household of eight. Without any planning, it would be total chaos. We always schedule some time to make love after the younger children are put to bed. There’s no obligation to turn up but we all try to. We set aside a spare bed if someone can’t make it or is sick or just wants some space and time to themselves. It’s quite rare for us to be one-on-one but it does happen.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Are you more like spouses or family-with-benefits or something else? Do the you see each other as family or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?

It’s most certainly a marriage. I see myself as exclusively a mother-wife with all that entails. We have been together for many years. We currently all live together in the French countryside. The two are inseparable now, I couldn’t imagine not being lover with my family or not family with my lovers.

FME: Is this triad closed or are there any of you open to new partners?

Our triad is closed to non-family members. Once our children reach the age of consent, we extend to them an open invitation to join us for lovemaking if they wish and a further one to join the group marriage if they want to. There have been no takers so far, which is fine.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy?

Our parents know and a few of our very close friends know. We informed our parents when I became pregnant with my son's first child. They heavily disapproved. They didn’t understand us, they didn’t understand us being poly and bisexual. Eventually, though, they came to accept us after another pregnancy and seeing that our marriage was working. They just wanted to be around the grandchildren and keep everything sort of anchored.

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think polyamorous and/or consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers or monogamy?

At first it was very exciting and tense. It was this cycle of the tension and fear of being caught made our lovemaking more exciting and desirable.

I think the main advantage is you’ve already got this considerable bond and trust to begin with, it’s a very strong foundation to build on. Adding sex to that only strengthens the bond between everyone involved. Also, there’s no shame in sharing your desires with them once you are involved with each other.

Our plan was always to relocate to a country where our love wouldn’t be punished, so when we had enough money we moved to France. Now we don’t really hide it. We don’t feel the need to hide anything. Some people disapprove, some people accept us.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the others?

I’d say to them to look after their own lives. If they don’t want to be involved in a consang and/or poly relationship, then they shouldn’t. They also shouldn’t stop other people from expressing their own love how they wish.

FME: How are the children?

We have five children as a result of this marriage; our husband is father to three by me and two by my sister-wife. We've raise them collectively as our children. We don’t make any distinction between any of them and treat them without favor. They are all perfectly healthy, although we did take precautions and heavily encouraged a vegetarian diet along with lots of regular exercise.

FME: What would you say to something who says polyamorous people or related lovers shouldn't be allowed to have children?

I would say they are wrong. Our children are very happy. We’re able to pool resources like time, money and energy so our children can draw on more from their mummies and daddy. So long as the relationship is functional it shouldn’t matter as to its composition.

FME: Aside from the law, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

They are probably too enjoyable!

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

If it was legal we absolutely would get married. We would absolutely want to share our love with all our friends and family. Plus it would be hilarious to seem them all naked!

FME: What advice do you have for someone who wants to be in a relationship like this? What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member?

Just go for it. Life is short. You could end up with something absolutely unique and special to all involved.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who thinks they might be polyamorous or thinks they want a polyamorous relationship?

Again, go for it.

FME: Have you met in-person or do you know anyone else who has experience with consanguinamory or consanguineous sex that you know of?

Two of my female friends at uni admitted to experimenting to various degrees with their brothers. Other than that, and our own family's history, there’s nobody else.

FME: Any plans for the future?

Once our last child is older and mature enough to understand their parentage, we want to have a ceremony where we reassert our vows to each other and have our family there so they can share in the experience and see the love we hold.

FME: Anything else to add?

Just a massive thanks to everyone working on our behalf. It really matters and helps with self-acceptance.

*****


Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, married in every way except the law, and yet they can't even exercise their basic human right to marry, even though they are living as spouses and raising children.. They are happy and in love, yet they are denied that fundamental right to marry.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you are concerned about pregnancies between close relatives, read this.If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Morag for doing this interview! We wish you well in your polyamorous consanguinamorous marriage and your parenthood.

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Novels to Buy

UPDATE: Getting a lot of Game of Thrones traffic, so bumping this up. If you want some contemporary fiction with a realistic portrayal of sibling love, these novels provide that.

UPDATE: The two novels are now being offered as a package. "This set contains both books in The Forbidden Flower Series plus deleted chapters." Get the package for Kindle here.[Please note that "Love's Erotic Flower" was a short erotica story and was not essential to the overall timeline of the overall story.]

I’m not going to pretend I can give an unbiased review of Diane Rinella’s new book, Time’s Forbidden Flower, which completes the story began in Love’s Forbidden Flower, the novel I first blogged about here. After all, I have been in ongoing contact with Rinella and the plot of the works involves something near and dear to my heart. Also, I may have influenced this latest work. There’s a third work involved: "Love’s Erotic Flower," a short story which was released between the two novels and is a sizzling detailing of the sexual coupling (over multiple encounters) between the main characters.

One need not read the novels to enjoy "Erotic" nor read "Erotic" to enjoy the novels, but both novels should be read in sequence, and to only reason to avoid "Erotic" if you enjoy the first novel is if you hate to get aroused by fiction.

I can’t recommend all three works more strongly. I even like the cover art.



Lily and Donovan are soulmates, complete with a mutual erotic and romantic attraction. They happen to be brother and sister as well. Yes, this story involves consanguinamory, which is something some people find shocking or disgusting, but is something that is experienced on some level by enough people that you do know someone who has been, or is involved, whether you know it or not.

That’s why these works of fiction are more than just something that is engaging. They are important. They are important because there are people who will identify with the characters and will no longer feel so alone. Although the forbidden nature of the issue is addressed multiple times, the “i” word is never spoken, nor is there a lecturing of the reader on all the points you will find here. I don't recall that she ever explains that in Rhode Island, the home state of the characters, their love is not criminalized as it still is in most US states. This is a story about forbidden love from a writer with strong empathy that may get people to think and feel differently than they did when they picked it up, but not a contrived polemic.

Rinella does not chicken out by going the stepsibling route or through some other escape hatch. Lily and Donovan are blood siblings, who grew up together. However, there are twists I didn’t see coming. I thought things might go in one direction and they went another. This is not a simple straight line, but neither is it something that is convoluted to the point of losing the reader. The characters seem real, complete with real flaws. Not everything happens exactly the way the reader might want when wanted, and not everything is tied up in a pretty bow by the end. Yet, the satisfactory payoffs are there. It is just that Rinella draws the reader in to make them feel the hot and cold of a good multi-course meal, rather than spoonfeeding them lukewarm junk food.

I noticed that at least one character is polyamorous in the sense of being able to truly love more than one person at the same time.

The novels are for anyone who wants to read a modern tale of still-forbidden love, or anyone who wants to read a realistic account of consanguinamory, or anyone who is in or knows someone who is in or has been involved in such a relationship. Or, maybe you simply prefer a good story about love and family that pretty much spans the lifetime of the main characters.

They are not for anyone who is absolutely unwilling to give a romance between siblings any consideration. (If that is you, I’m surprised you’re still here reading my blog.)

How nice it is to have something that treats this love between sibings with dignity and depth. I would very much like to see these works adapted for the screen.

Have I been clear enough?  Buy all three!

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Sorting Out Relation

Sometimes people, especially young people, aren't certain of how to describe their relation to someone else. It doesn't help that legal relation isn't always the same as genetic (blood) relation.  People can legally be siblings, but not be close genetic relatives, for example. Or two people can be genetic siblings but not legal relatives. Relation by blood/genetics is referred to as consanguinity and relation by marriage or law is may be referred to as affinity.

Generally, the law recognizes that people are related through birth*, adoption, or marriage (or civil union or domestic partnership.)

I hope this provides clarity to people who are uncertain.



Cousins: This is explained in detail here, so I will just be brief and say that your parent's sibling's child is your first cousin. Your first cousin's child is your first cousin, once removed. Your child would be a second cousin to your first cousin, once removed. Also, your first cousin is your child's first cousin, once removed.



Full sibling: A brother or sister whose biological/genetic parents are the same as yours.

Half sibling: A brother or sister who shares one, not two, biological/genetic parents with you. Because people can have half-siblings, they can also have half-uncles, half-aunts, half-cousins, half-nieces, and half-nephews. For example, your parent has a half-brother. He would be your half-uncle (although many people choose to simply say "uncle".) Note that someone can have two half-siblings who are not closely related to each other genetically.


Adopted/Adoptive: When legal arrangements were made to become legally recognized family, which otherwise happens through marriage or birth*. For example, if your parents adopted an orphaned boy, he would be your adopted brother and would be legally as much your parents' child as you. Or you could both be adopted by the same parents. It isn't just minor children who are adopted. Adults have adopted other adults.


Stepsibling, Stepbrother, Stepsister, Stepparent, Stepmother, Stepfather, Stepchild, Stepson Stepdaughter: A relation through marriage and is usually someone who is not a close biological relative. Someone is your stepsibling/-brother/-sister because their parent married your parent. Your stepsibling is the child of your stepparent. Someone is your stepparent/-father/-mother because they married your parent. Someone is your stepchild/-son/-daughter because you married their parent. For some purposes in some places, some laws treat steprelations like biological/genetic or adoptive relations. Sometimes, a steprelation becomes an adoptive relation, such as when a stepparent adopts their stepchild.



In-law: Someone who is related to you by marriage or custom (but usually this person is not a steprelation) and may be recognized as such by law or socially. The parents of your spouse would be your mother-in-law or father-in-law. Your spouse's siblings would be your brother-in-law or sister-in-law.  Your sibling's spouse would also be your sister-in-law or brother-in-law. Your child's spouse would be your daughter-in-law or son-in-law.



People generally refer to other people by their closest relation. For example, if you married a second cousin, you would generally call them your spouse, not your second cousin, as spouses are legally next-of-kin and second cousins rarely are (all closer relations would have to be deceased). Or, if your parents adopted your cousin, it would be customary to call your cousin your sibling.


*The term "birth" is often used in place of "genetic" or "genetics" but it should be noted that:

1) Surrogate mothers often give birth to children to whom they have no close genetic relation, and they will not be the legal mother of that child.

2) Some women give birth to, and raise, and are the presumed and legal mother of children to whom they are not closely genetically related because the child was conceived using a donor egg or was a donated embryo.

3) In many places, parental designation (such as paternity) is automatically assigned under the law to a spouse of the woman who birthed the child even when the child has no close genetic relation to this "birth father/parent" because the child was a donated embryo or conceived by sperm donation, or sexual intercourse with someone outside the legal marriage, regardless of whether or not the sexual intercourse was something this spouse knew about.






More terms used frequently on this blog are explained here.

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Myth: There is Only One Good Outcome to GSA

Reality: What is a good or the best outcome to a situation involving Genetic Sexual Attraction depends on the circumstances and the people involved.

Situations involving Genetic Sexual Attraction are varied. There have been people who’ve fallen in love, married, and had children before they’ve discovered their close genetic relation. There are situations where one person is experiencing GSA but nobody else is. There are situations in which one person involved is an abusive person. Sometimes people experiencing GSA had been happily committed to someone else in a closed relationship. Sometimes GSA involves people who are in dead marriages to others, raising children. Sometimes there is an adult in their thirties or forties and a teenager who is too young to legally consent and not independent.

Some people want to apply their religious rules or their personal prejudice against consanguinamory to say that that sexual affection is never good in a GSA situation.

This blog fully supports the rights of consenting adults to share in sexual affection, but we recognize that not every specific relationship is a healthy one.

For some, spending a lot of time together in-person is helpful. For others, keeping interaction limited is better.

For some, building a life going forward that involves socializing in the genetic roles (parent-adult child, siblings, etc.) works best. For others, it might be more of a friendship. For still others, it might be as lovers.

For a small number of people, the best outcome is keeping a distance or cutting off contact entirely.

For some people, it is best that their relationship not involve sex. For others, a relationship that includes sex for a limited amount of time is best. For still others, relationship that includes sex in perpetuity, such as a spousal relationship, is the best outcome. People should be able to seek the best outcome without the undue influence of bigotry.

There is no single, one-size-fits-all way to deal with GSA. In some relationships, getting sexual is the best the course of action. In others, it wouldn’t be a positive thing. This is one reason why it is critical that people experiencing GSA be allowed to get the assistance they need without criminalization or other forms of discrimination.

See Myth: GSA Causes Birth Defects or the Children Will Be Deformed

See Myth: Sex Will Always Ruin These Relationships Because a Person Needs a Nonsexual Relationship With Their Genetic Relative

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Drugs aren't everywhere, not everybody's doing them and not all teens get drunk: The 'rite of passage' myth!

Earlier in the year I wrote a piece on research that found alcohol use had declined amongst young Australians. Although many readers welcomed the figures and saw them as a reason to celebrate our teens, sadly, some people refused to believe what they read. You only have to look at some of the comments on my Facebook feed to see that there are those who are never going to accept that some teens are going to make healthier choices. Some simply thought the researchers got it wrong and the data was inaccurate whereas others chose to believe that teens were using illicit drugs instead (even though the research does not support this). Here are just some of the comments:

• "I don't know where you get your figures from and I doubt the accuracy of them"
• "I find that a little hard to believe when you drive around on a Saturday night in the Hills Area particularly where there is a party involving 14-17 year olds ..."
• "Drugs. Cheap, easy to get.....I could go on. Any other reason is just simply being deluded"
• "Because they all pop pingers and snort coke instead"
• "Its easier to get drugs"

I also received a 'harsh' message from one mother who believed strongly drinking alcohol (and experimenting with illicit drugs) was simply a 'rite of passage' for young people and so-called research findings that said anything different was ridiculous. Here is just one cleaned-up section of the message (and I mean cleaned-up - this was a rant with a lot of swear words!):

"Drinking alcohol is just what teens do, they always have and they always will. It's a rite of passage. Most of them will also try drugs as well. Drugs are everywhere (more now then ever before) and the peer pressure to drink and take drugs was around when I was a teen and it's still there for my kids."

The one part of this message that riled me was the old chestnut - 'It's a rite of passage'. You see this used in so many statements around teen behaviour, particularly by parents who want to try and explain away potentially risky behaviour their child may be involved in by implying that it's just something that 'everyone' does at this time in their life and there's nothing they can do about it. Going to Schoolies' events is now often referred to as a 'rite of passage', as is attendance at post-formal events for senior school students. If you look at the term, it is defined as "a ceremony performed to facilitate or mark a person's change of status upon any of several highly important occasions, as at the onset of puberty or upon entry into marriage or into a clan." Now by that definition you can sort of see how a Schoolies' event can 'fit' - i.e., an event that marks the transition from high school to the big wide world, but drinking alcohol or experimenting with illicit drugs? Undoubtedly, drinking alcohol and/or experimenting with illicit drugs is a part of adolescence for some young people but can it really be regarded as a 'rite of passage'?

No-one should stick their head in the sand and pretend that drinking and drug use doesn't happen. When it comes to alcohol in particular – it would be true to say that most young people will experiment with it at some time during their teens. However, the same cannot be said for illegal drugs, particularly when we're talking about teenagers. Most school-based young people have never tried illegal drugs, they have no interest in these substances and they never will. Study after study after study confirms this, yet try and get this fact reported in the media and you hit a brick wall.

Interestingly, you often hit that very same brick wall when you speak to the teenagers themselves. Years ago, I had just finished a school presentation, with one of the final slides revealing the percentage of young people who have not tried illicit drugs. One student's response to the low number was particularly interesting ...

"Max was a Year 11 student and an outspoken critical thinker. Instead of whispering to the person next to him about his doubts regarding the figure he stood up and argued his case. "I find those figures very hard to believe," he said. "Everybody I know uses drugs. That slide just doesn't ring true – where did you find those people who you surveyed?"
After informing him and the rest of the group how the data was collected I decided to challenge him. "So everybody you know uses drugs?" I said. "You're in a room full of over 100 of your peers – are you saying that every one of these young people in this room uses drugs?" "No, of course not," he replied. "I don't mean people at school, I mean the people I know out of school. They all use drugs." I then wanted to know what drugs he was talking about and he informed me that cannabis was the drug of choice for 'everybody'.
"Give me a number," I asked him. "I want an actual number of the people that you know for a fact use cannabis. You have seen these people smoke the drug, not simply heard about it, or believe it to be true – you know for a fact. Work it out and give me the number."
It took Max quite a while to respond and for a while I thought my test was going to backfire, but he was an intelligent and thoughtful young man and was taking my challenge seriously. When he finally did give his answer it confirmed my belief that although he believed a considerable proportion (well, actually all of them) smoked cannabis, this was not the case.
"Five," he said!

I love this story! I included it in my 2009 book Teenagers, Alcohol and Drugs and used to tell it at every school I visited and it always got a great reception. Of course, there are many young people who know far more than 5 others who have drank alcohol or taken drugs, but I have yet to meet any student who can honestly say that 'everybody' they know does it! Unfortunately, there is a perception out there that, even amongst young people, that most people have used drugs and that all drink. When you take a few moments to challenge that perception you can get some really interesting results.

There are two words that I really dislike that we tend to overuse when talking about alcohol and drugs – 'all' and 'everybody'. If you just spend a couple of moments to think about it you know that statements like "everybody does it" and "all teenagers go through that stage" just don't make sense. Even if everyone you knew did 'do it' when you were younger (and I don’t believe that that is the case), that was your group and, like it or not, your friends may not have been the norm! 'Everybody' doesn't do it and not 'all' teenagers go through that stage – these generalizations need to be challenged and unfortunately we don't do that enough.

Let's not forget that not all young people are the same, this is particularly true when it comes to attitudes and values around alcohol and other drugs. Even when it comes to alcohol use, you quickly realize that young people are not one homogenous group. Teens can be broken down into three key categories, two of which we rarely acknowledge:

• the first is the loudest and the most obvious, those who drink and often drink to excess. Evidence would suggest that this group is getting smaller but unfortunately are consuming at riskier levels than in the past and drinking at a younger age 
• the next group comprises those who attempt to drink 'responsibly'. They don't drink regularly and when they do they usually consume a small amount. This does not mean there are no risks involved in their drinking behaviour, but we do need to acknowledge that these young people are trying to do 'the right thing' 
• finally we have the abstainers. According to the data, this is a growing group but one we rarely speak about; in fact we often completely ignore them, making them feel even more alienated than many of them already feel within their peer group.

While putting together my book I asked young people I came in contact with to feel free to write to me with their thoughts on the topic of teens and alcohol and other drug use. I used many of these comments but recently found this one that got cut in the final edit ...

"As a 16-year-old, I am constantly frustrated by accusations and generalisations of teenagers. Apparently, we are all alcoholic junkies who spend our time vandalising, watching TV, and terrorising the "innocent, helpless, adult citizens" of our suburbs. I have long hair and a beard, which makes people's reactions to me even more obvious ... I don't steal, and I follow a lifestyle of being 'straight edge', which means I avoid alcohol and drugs ... Although this lifestyle is not for everyone, it is an example of what at least one teenager is like. I'm sick of the image of a "teenager" as being lazy and out of control. If all teenagers represented the mainstream portrayal of an adolescent, then I ask, who is getting the high UAIs? I mean, if we, the adults of the future, are all lazy ragamuffins, then the future looks pretty bleak. A large portion of the people who criticise the kids of today, were criticised for many of the same reasons when they were teenagers. I know this has been an angry, biased, and not particularly well written comment, but thanks for the opportunity to voice my thoughts."

That's a powerful statement and really highlights the whole 'rite of passage' myth. Let's never forget that all young people are different. We need to acknowledge that many young people will drink alcohol at some time during their adolescence and some may experiment with one or more illegal drugs. However, that does not mean that we should throw our arms up in the air and declare drinking and drug use as simply a 'rite of passage' that all teens will go through. That's a cop-out and, I believe, an excuse for lazy parenting. Drugs aren't everywhere, not everybody's doing them and not all teens get drunk - that's an undisputable fact that all parents should hold onto ...

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