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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Very Important Consanguinamory Study Results

Consanguinamory is not studied nearly enough by sociologists, in part because of prejudice.

However, Jane has published fascinating results from a study. Hopefully, this will be just the start of more extensive research.

Go see the results.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, but are usually closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below should be free to decide whether or not to legally marry her partner, yet they could be harassed, persecuted, and imprisoned if they were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say. You may think this relationship with her son is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: You recently moved from New Jersey to Germany. Why is that?

Shiffon: For work as well as personal reasons. Someone came to know about our relationship and before that person could cause trouble, we made the move. It was already in planning but that caused me to prepone. No one knows about us here, so we are living as a couple.

FME: How did that start?

It started when he was 18 and I was 48. He'd been getting peeks at me, mostly when I was changing. I pretended not to notice. He was a very curious teenager.

Initially, I was surprised, but didn't want to embarrass him. But I was also flattered.

He became more physical in his affections. His hugs became tighter and his kisses got a bit more bold. It was a turn on. I could feel that he was aroused.

On his 18th birthday, we went out for dinner. When we came back home, things just happened naturally. He kissed me and I didn't stop him. It was very sensual.

FME: So you raised him?

I raised him. He's an only child.

FME: Was he the first younger man you'd been with?

Yes.

FME: So it was a new experience in more than one way.

It sure was, but there were no conflicts in my mind once it happened. It always felt natural.

FME: Who knows, aside from the person we mentioned earlier, and how did they find out?

A friend of mine knows. I told her. She is my best friend and I trust her completely.

FME: How did she react?

She was a little surprised, but not shocked. She told me she always knew he was curious.

FME: How long has this been going on?
Two years. He is happy and I couldn't have asked for more.

FME: Are you monogamous?

Yes, it has been monogamous, but there are no restrictions or rules.

FME: Is this a family-with-benefits situation, gilfriend/boyfriend, a marriage, or what?

It's not marriage, but it sure is a relationship. I can't define it in any parameters. I guess it is a combination of all of the above. It has been beautiful. I don't think I would legally marry again. As they say, "once bitten is twice shy," but I fully support people who want to.

FME: Does the sex feel natural, kinky, or what?

The sex is great. It's the best ever. It can feel natural and kinky. It doesn't hurt that he is a big boy in more than one way.

FME: Do you do things with him you wouldn't or hadn't done with others?

Absolutely. I've taught him a lot and learned a lot. He is more adventurous now.

FME: Are there any other benefits to having this kind of relationship?

It is unconditional and without any selfishness, and that is what makes it amazing.

FME: What about negatives? What have you had to do to protect your privacy?

We had to move to Germany, but it turned out to be a positive.

FME: What advice do you have for people with these feelings or considering making a pass at a family member, especially mother or son?

Don't do it until you are completely sure of your feelings. Also, if you are sure about what you want, do it in a very careful way.

FME: What advice do you have for family or friends who suspect someone they know is in involved?

Keep an open mind, don't judge them, and certainly don't create problems for them.

FME: Anything else you want to say to the world?

Life is too short. Don't complicate it. Just let people live their life.

*****

Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone and yet they have to stay closeted and can't even exercise their basic human right to marry. They are happy and in love, yet they are denied that fundamental right of freedom of association. Please note that they were not breaking in laws in New Jersey, but they still could have faced severe discrimination and harassment if they were outed there.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later.

People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this. If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Shiffon for doing this interview! We wish you well in your intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

Bystander Resuscitation Reduces Brain Damage and Death from Cardiac Arrest

Pancakes are fun for kids and adults alike. But there are many who follow a gluten free diet due their intolerance to gluten. Buckwheat flour is a great alternative to regular flour. It is of course darker in color and may not appeal to all but it is definitely healthier and has a different kind of nutty flavor. For all those who are vegetarian and don't eat eggs, you can totally skip the eggs and make the pancake. The use of buttermilk helps leaven the butter and make the pancakes fluffier.

Those who are vegan can use almond or soy milk and still make the pancakes. The only difference is that it won't be very fluffy.

I also make it healthier by using honey instead of sugar. You can use maple syrup too. Sugar alternatives like agave can also be used.

Servings: makes 5-6 medium sized pancakes.

Prep time: 10 minsCook time: 15 minsTotal time: 25 mins

Ingredients:

Buckwheat flour: 1 cup
Baking powder: 1 tsp
Honey: 1 tbsp
Salt: 1/4 tsp
Buttermilk: 3/4 cup ( Vegans can use plant-based milk like almond milk/ soy milk)
Butter/ coconut oil : as needed to grease the pan. ( Vegans may use coconut oil)

Method:

Add buckwheat flour, baking powder and salt to a bowl. Mix well.

Add honey. Stir.

Now slowly add the buttermilk little by little, mixing the batter in between. Stir gently until all the batter is nicely mixed. The batter might be thicker than usual. It is ok.
Do not overmix!

Heat the griddle/pan.
Add 1/2 tsp of butter/oil to the pan.

Pour 1/4 cup of batter into the center of the pan. Using a ladle, gently spread it in circular motions. Don't spread it thin.

Let it cook on low flame for 2 mins. You will see bubbling on top. Try to release the edges of the pancake from the pan. If it releases easily, flip the pancake.

Cook from the other side for 1 more minute.

Remove from the griddle and place it on a serving plate.

Top it with bananas, berries, chocolate chip or nuts. Pour maple syrup/honey or regular syrup on top.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy:

While making pancakes, it is best to spread the batter thick. Also cook the pancakes keeping the gas flame low or else the bottom of the pancake will get burnt.

Tip for healthy living:

Buckwheat is a great alternative for people with gluten intolerance. It can be easily substituted for flour and it has a high nutritional value.

Food for thought:

Unless we remember, we cannot understand. E.M.Forster

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Not Too Close For Comfort

A comment came in on our popular entry "Aunts and Nephews"...

I'm currently in an active sexual relationship with my nephew. We aren't blood or marriage related. His mom and I are best friends and I helped raise him. The last time I saw him he was 11, we reunited now that he's 18 approaching 19. I'm 34. The attraction was instant and mutual. I feel like I am betraying my friend however, the amount of enjoyment and satisfaction I get from this guy is worth the risk. I think she suspects we're intimate but there's no proof. Her boyfriend is quite jealous that I don't look in his direction and tried to out nephew and I... Good luck, we both deny until we die! I don't want to stop, and neither does he. Any thoughts?

It's time to write a long-overdue essay on "fauxcest" or "nearcest" of whatever else this can be called. So that's below. But first, let's answer the questions raised Anonymous.

1) You two are consenting adults. You should be free to have this relationship. There's nothing wrong with having this relationship.

2) "I feel like I am betraying my friend..." This is not a rational reaction. It is a feeling that is based in prejudices and faulty reasoning. Your "nephew" would certainly be sexually active with someone, whether his mother is comfortable with that thought or not. Why is it is a bad thing that is with someone who already knows and cares about him? Sex isn't a bad thing, unless you are doing it wrong.

Someone might say to you "He's young enough to be your son" or to him "She's old enough to be your mother." But so what? Someone might go a step further and say he must be harboring a secret desire for his mother and you for your son (if you have one). That may or may not be true, but even if true, neither of you would find any scolding from us. It is very common for people to find someone who is like one of their parents or siblings, for example.

There's a chance your relationship will be outed (some of this advice might be helpful). And, it is likely that if that happens, your friend will be very upset with you. She might try to attribute her anger to the secrecy, but that would most likely just be an excuse. Neither of you is under any obligation to tell her the details of your sex life. If she finds out and is angry, give her time to cool off. You can tell her you understand her feelings without denying your entitlement to your love life. Many parents get upset at the thought of their child (even though their child is an adult) having sex. Some people get upset that someone they know is having sex with someone to whom they're related. Neither reaction is based on logic, but rather things like aversion to change, feeling old, and even envy.

After she cools off, she might realize that it can be a better thing that her son is with someone who has already known and cared for him. Some of this applies.

Enjoy what you have. There's no reason you shouldn't. Goodness knows there are many people out there who are miserable in a relationship or lonely. Why deprive anyone, especially yourself, of happiness?

The prejudice against consanguinamory, which literally involves blood relation, has, unfortunately, extended to relationships that do not involve blood (genetic) relatives; sometimes it is even enshrined in ridiculous criminal laws. These relationships are often called "incestuous" anyways. That could be because the Westermarck Effect has been observed in people who were raised together or by one another who are not actually close genetic relatives. However, whether Westermarck is "nature" or "nurture" or a mix, it is clear that some people don't experience it; some people experience the exact opposite.

"Nearcest" or "fauxcest" or "pseudoincestuous" relationships are very common.

If not with a sibling, cousin, or close-in-age aunt or uncle, kids who "play doctor" are most likely going to do so with neighbor or friend they're around frequently. Teens often experiment and explore with the best friend of a sibling, or a best friend's sibling. If a parent gets into a new relationship, whether or leads to marriage or not, a teen may find themselves living with or frequently around a (potential) stepsibling who is close in age. Their parents are attracted to each other. They are their parents' children. They were not raised together so the Westermarck Effect never came into play. So experimentation and all-out romance can ensue.

This happens in adulthood, too. People have been brought together by their parents marrying.

Especially for someone living at home, a parent's new lover or spouse themselves can be a love or lust interest. This can be even more likely if the (potential) stepparent is significantly younger than the parent. It's safe to say that, regardless of gender, there are many stepparents out there who are "going there" with their adult stepchildren. Sometimes it is a cheating situation, sometimes not. Although it is a different matter, it can also be expected that someone going through puberty whose parent brings around a new lover whose gender is one to which the minor is attracted, may experience attraction to their parent's new lover.

In some places, there are laws against adults being with their legal stepparent.

The comment above was from an "honorary" or "functional" aunt, not someone who is an aunt legally. But the (potential, current, or ex) spouse of blood aunts and uncles would also fall under this category, as the label of "incestuous" would be applied by many even though there is no blood relation.

Adoptive relations are also legally but not biologically related, and may be considered by some (including in some laws) as incestuous if they get together.

Although we are not aware of any laws against it, some might extend the label to in-laws. For example, John is married to Mary and something happens between John and Mary's mother (his mother-in-law) or Mary's sister (his sister-in-law).

It also happens sometimes that someone has two half-siblings who are not related to each other who get together. For example, Jane's parents, John and Mary, divorce. John remarries and he and his new wife have a son, Peter. Mary remarries and she and her new husband have a son, Paul. Paul and Peter would not be blood relatives or even legal relatives, though both would be Jane's half-brothers. If Paul and Peter get together, some might consider it incestuous.

Then there are less formal situations, such as relationships with longtime neighbors and family friends; or when a parent is dating someone their adult child's age, or when someone is dating someone their parent's age, especially when those people are friends of their adult child or friends of their parents. I recall a movie in which two women who were good friends get with the adult sons of each other. Such situations may (especially if double dating is involved) or may not involve latent consanguinamorous desires or lesbian desires on the part of the friends. Latent consanguinamorous desires can also be at play when siblings double date, such as when two brothers double date with their boyfriends or girlfriends.

Whatever the case, when they are consenting adults who aren't cheating, there's nothing wrong with people being together however they mutually agree. There should be no laws against it, and people should be free to marry if they'd like. The biological risks, which are way overblown, aren't there but many of the same benefits as consanguinamorous relationships are present, such as an existing familiarity, bond, and trust.

Some people like to say that family only exists through marriage, birth, and adoption, yet some of these same people would say these lovers are "too much like family" and shouldn't get together. It is a ridiculous double standard.

It's very simple. Let consenting adults have their relationships. Don't throw them in prison, don't bully them, don't discriminate against them.

If you're in a relationship that's anything like what we described above, please contact us and/or comment below.

Alcohol and other drugs: Why the media often gets it so wrong and why I have pulled away from interviews ...

For those of you who listened to Triple J in the late 1990s, I was the 'drug guy' on The Morning Show. For seven years I was a regular on ABC's youth radio network where for an hour each Friday morning we discussed a different drug-related topic, took calls from listeners across the country and talked about the 'pros and cons' of use. It was an amazing experience and I need to thank the wonderful Angela Catterns for first taking me under her wing and introducing me to the unique and incredible Triple J audience. I don't believe that there is any way that a segment like that would run on a national radio station today. Perhaps you would get one up-and-running on community radio, but even then it would take a brave broadcaster to cover some of the topics we dealt with back then ...

For almost 20 years I regularly appeared in the media. In my role as the Information Manager at the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre (NDARC), I provided comment on drug-related issues of the day, as well as promoting the research findings from the Centre. It became a major part of my role and I developed great relationships with journalists and media organisations across the country. When I left that role I continued to do interviews, focussing in on only alcohol and other drug (AOD) use and young people - that fitted in with my new business and it was the area that I was most passionate about. If appropriate, I would agree to be interviewed about other topics but more often than not I would refer the journalist to someone with expertise in the area.

For the past couple of years, however, I have refused almost all media requests and am frequently asked by those who remember the Triple J days why they rarely hear from me anymore ... I thought it was about time to explain my decision to pull away from making media comment ... I have just returned from overseas after presenting at a conference on the changing role of the media and its impact on the AOD field but it was a phone call from a reporter just before I left that really led me to write this blog entry ... She wanted me to comment on what I knew about 'flakka' and the fact that it was making those who used it have sex with trees! She was putting a piece together based on the UK article shown above and after a 15-minute conversation with her about the merits of a piece on this topic I realized that it was time to say something ...

I always promised myself that I would not become my father and be that person who says "but it's not like it used to be!", but that's exactly what I'm going to do ... Let's make it clear at this point, the media has never got the alcohol and other drug issue completely right but at least there were some people who tried bloody hard! Now that we find ourselves entrenched in the '24 hour news cycle', are drowning in commentators (from both sides of the political spectrum) who seem to hold unbelievable power and spit vitriol rather than ever having anything positive or constructive to say and have so many people rely on Facebook and other social media for their news - it's almost become impossible to get any accurate and well-balanced information out there!

I've talked about the media and the 'ice epidemic' issue many times before but, for me, that has been the straw that broke the camel's back! Every time I have been interviewed about this topic, particularly in the print media, I provide them with the prevalence data we have on the use of methamphetamine - they don't like the numbers, as they don't match what they want to write, and so they inevitably move onto asking me about whether I have seen much ice use at the schools I visit. I tell them I haven't seen any and, once again, they tune out! I have spent hours with journalists from across the country on this topic and my comments are rarely, if ever, used. When I read the published article they have inevitably gone to an unnamed police source or the like and got the quotes they actually wanted - "Ice is everywhere, it's unbelievably cheap and everyone's using it!" It's infuriating! Yes, this is a horrible drug that has caused devastating effects on users, families and the wider community but it is vital that the issue is given a context. Most people don't use the drug and they never will ...

As I said, there's going to be a lot of 'it's not like the old days' for the next few minutes but, regardless, here are just a few of my concerns in the area:

entertainment programs are now often sold to the audience as news or current affairs programs. Morning television shows used to be a great place to roll-out new research findings. Yes, there was always an entertainment aspect to these programs but for at least the first hour of airtime, you got 'hard news'. You were given a good 3-5 minutes to cover an issue and it was 'live' and 'face-to-face', that often gave you a minute or two to talk to the interviewer and let them know one key message you wanted to get across. Now, you're lucky if you get 3 minutes and, even if you're in the same city that the program is recorded in, you're placed somewhere else in the building to make it look like they're doing a 'live-cross' to you - why, I have no idea!
TV programs are now constantly looking for that 'water cooler moment' - there's real competition across the networks to get that one comment or incident that will then make it online and go viral. Instead of simply reporting the news, many breakfast and morning programs actually want to make the news. The opportunities to get quality information about a range of issues out to the general public via these programs is reducing all the time
so much of what is discussed in so-called 'news programs' is now delivered by 'media personalities' and not experts in their field. I get it that not all academics or other experts are great talent - some I have worked with over the years should never provide media comment - but whoever thought it was a good idea to get a collection of 'personalities' to discuss complex issues like medicinal cannabis and drug testing in the workplace is beyond me! One I saw recently had a panel of 3 people, two women and one man - a footballer's wife, a fashion designer and a radio host - discussing cybersafety! The number of times I have wanted to put my foot through the television when one of these people has said something that is so factually incorrect is ridiculous ... The trouble is there are people out there who believe that if it is said on the TV it must be true - no matter who says it!
journalists aren't prepared to wait for thoughtful and considered comment. The media has always worked to tight deadlines but in the 24-hour news cycles, there is simply no time to wait for the interviewee to examine what they have been asked to comment on and then think about an appropriate response. When one person won't provide the comment in a timely manner, journalists are simply finding someone else who will. I certainly don't blame the journos for this - their job has become increasingly difficult and the pressure they must be under is unimaginable. That aside, as a result, we're increasingly finding media stories covering AOD issues containing information that is incorrect. When it is discovered that what has been written is wrong, it is rarely, if ever, corrected and misinformation continues to circulate
many online stories, once published, are there forever. That's great if what has been written is accurate, but if it is incorrect, then that piece of misinformation is dredged up over and over again, often being referred to years later
'media grabs' have always been a part of the interview experience but now that's it, there's often nothing else done to support those grabs. Working out three key points you want to cover for a TV or radio news spot has always been one of the most 'fun' parts of doing a media interview. These would be a simple summary statement of a complex issue that you could almost guarantee would be dealt with in greater detail elsewhere - there would be an article on the topic printed in the newspaper, a lengthier TV interview was due to be aired later that day. That's not the case anymore - a grab is all you sometimes get. Alcohol and other drug issues, like so many other social issues, are presented in a couple of 'black and white' statements and there are no 'shades of grey'

Alcohol and other drugs is a complex issue and no-one (no matter what their viewpoint) is ever going to be completely happy with how it is covered in the media. Journalists have one of the most difficult jobs in the world and now, with the 24-hour news cycle and the growing influence of social media, it is getting harder. We also now have a growing discussion about so-called 'fake news' and its impact. Whether we like it or not all of us are influenced by the media in some way. You can be the most 'media-literate' person out there and be well aware of the particular biases that particular outlets may have, but when you are bombarded with the same message over and over again (e.g., previews of tabloid current affairs programs as you watch one of your favourite TV shows, reading headlines of newspapers or magazines as you sit opposite someone on a train or bus), it is a strong person that isn't going to be affected in some way ...

It is extremely important that people examine the media critically - looking beyond the headlines and the 'click-bait' and looking at who is being quoted and why. This is particularly true for parents of teens, many of whom are worried about things they see and hear in the media that most probably aren't even going to be on their own children's radar. Of course, parents should be concerned about this area but they should always be wary of sensational coverage and misinformation.

After presenting at the conference, writing this piece and really thinking through this issue I now have to consider what I do next in this area. Do I start to engage with the media more and just 'grin and bear' the frustration when things don't go as hoped or do I continue to sit back, refuse to make comment and let it all happen around me? It's a tough one - I love writing my blog and engaging with people, particularly parents - but there's no better way of reaching huge numbers of people and hopefully making a positive impact than by having a 3-minute live interview on a television program! Watch this space ...

Vaangibaath ( Eggplant Rice/ Brinjal Rice)

The other day my friend and I were out running errands and we felt like going to a South Indian Restaurant. While the North Indian restaurants are ubiquitous, South Indian are harder to come by. I don't know exactly why.. However I think the western world relates Indian cuisine mainly to flatbreads ( rotis, paratha, naan), chicken tikka masala, tandoori chicken, aloo gobhi and chole than to the South Indian cuisine of dosas and idlis. Dosas are nothing but pancakes and crepes while idlis are steamed rice-lentil cakes both of which form the mainstay of South Indian Cuisine.Anyways, we happened to go to Dosa Hut ( translates as pancake hut) to eat some nice and crispy masala dosa.

While we were done, my friend ordered some Vaangibaath "to go" for her hubby and her for dinner. She doesn't know how to make it and was craving it. Her ordering Vaangibaath made me crave it too.. I realized I had not made Vaangibaath in a long time. I decided to make it. Vaangibaath or Vangibath is nothing but Eggplant Rice. "Vaangi"
means "eggplant"or "Brinjal" and "Baath" is rice. Basically it is rice and eggplant cooked together with flavorful spices to make it something like a pulao( pilaf). It is quite simple and easy to make. I had some chimes eggplant in my fridge and I made it for lunch the next day. It is usually served with some chutney or raita ( yogurt based salad). My husband and I both relished it.

You get Vangibath powder in the store. I don't like to keep a whole bunch of pre-mixed spice mixes in my pantry if I am only going to make the dish sporadically. I keep a bunch of basic spices and mix it when I want a specific mix. For Vangibath I use sambar powder and add a couple of other spices to it. I use sambar powder to make my bisibelebath too. Here is my quick version of Vaangibaath.