So you're in a
consanguinamorous relationship and having the time of your life, or you're considering it, and you want to know about the possibilities and how-to when it comes to living with your lover. Some of you will want separate residences but most of you want to reside together. Someday, the considerations written below will no longer be necessary because things will be better, but for now, these serious considerations are necessary.
On the "good news" side is that, while there is much bigotry in many places against consanguinamory, often including
criminalization, so that some lovers can't marry or sex is illegal, there are no laws against relatives
living together and most cultures encourage it instead of discouraging it. There is a long history of family members living together. Although there has been an "American Dream" portraying a "nuclear family" married man and woman (not closely rated) living in a single-family house with 2.3 children, the reality has always been different for most people. One common variation has been for a couple (married or unmarried) or a single person to live with their parents or have a parent living with them, having one or more sibling living with them, etc.
Still Living With Mom(s) and/or Dad(s)
Ever hear of "My home, my rules?" If you're still a minor, you definitely to have follow that (as long as those rules aren't abusive or otherwise harmful). But even if you're a legal adult, if you're living in their home rent-free, you still have to stick to their rules. Ideally,
they'd be supportive of your love. There are some supportive parents, and they're a wonderful help.
Unfortunately, there are some parents who aren't supportive, even to the point they'd do something as atrocious as ratting out their own children to the police. Especially if you're a minor, you could even be placed in psychiatric ward against your will, at least for a few days.
If you're living with your parents and they know and are not supportive, you're going to have to be extremely careful, even more so than if they don't know but you think they'd disapprove. It's is best not to be caught or outed, but if you already have and they are against it, it is a good idea to let them think it has stopped. You can tell them it was just an experiment, a phase, and it is over. Meanwhile, you should do what you can to move out and become independent from them. Even if you're still a minor, in some places you can become what we call "emancipated" if you can demonstrate that you can take care of yourself.
If you're fortunate enough to be living with supportive parents, you still need to keep in mind your neighbors, extended family, your parents' friends, or anyone else who might disapprove and try not to put your parents in a difficult position if you can reasonably avoid it.
Something to consider if you're living with other, uninvolved family members, even family members who are basically supportive, is that there can be some envy involved. A typical example would be if a you are involved with your sibling and another sibling feels left out or rejected, or even just irritated that you're in a passionate relationship and they're having boyfriend or girlfriend trouble.
General Considerations
One of the Biggest Decisions: Stay or Establish a New Life?
Many consanguineous lovers find that
moving away from people who know of their relation, especially to a place that has no laws against consanguinamory, can be very liberating. As with moving for any other reason, there are many factors to consider and visiting potential places of relocation would be a good idea.
Whether you stay or move, privacy is your friend. Carefully consider what you do on social media, for example, and option to deny other people the ability to "check you in" or tag you.
Even if you stay where people know you, or do not hide your relation if you do move...
Living With Relatives is Considered Normal
Close family members, whether sibling, or adult children and parents, or whomever, have lived together all throughout history. Sometimes the underlying reason has been consanguinamory, but there are other reasons, too, which can be part of a cover story: convenience, efficiency, and security.
You may prefer separate bedrooms for actual sleeping. Many married and partnered people do. But even if you like being together around the clock, it's usually a good idea to have a separate bedroom if at all possible, even just for appearances. It helps with the cover story if people know you're related.
Have A Cover Story
Speaking of a cover story, it is a good idea to establish and agree on one. It is probably going to depend somewhat on your other decisions and it is going to influence subsequent decisions. For example, if you move somewhere new, are you going to present yourselves as an unrelated married or partnered couple? Platonic unrelated roommates? If you have the same last (family, surname) name and people are going to know that, then it would probably be a good idea to say you're married, unless it is a very common last name, in which case you share a good chuckle about it with anyone who asks. In the US, people can legally change their name, so that may also be something to look into, depending on what you want to do.
If you're going to stay where people know your relation, how will you answer questions about why you're living together?
Although it may never happen, think about how you'll handle it if someone asks or asserts that you're close relatives in a sexual relationship. Are you going to look confused (which only works the first time they see you do it) and feign disgust? Are you going to chuckle and say something like "That's funny!" or give a sarcastic, "Oh, yeah, that's what's going on?" However you think it would be best to handle it, it is good that you do not to allow it to happen to you without having thought through how you could respond. What you do not want to have happen is to have the same person approach your partner and confirm you are in a sexual relationship and then come to you and confirm you're close relatives. You have to be on the same page about what you're going to tell people.
Some consanguinamorous people have taken on beards, meaning that, since they can't legally marry each other and face hostility just for being together, they have married, or at least publicly partnered with, other people. Although this is extreme, there's nothing wrong with it
as long as everyone involved knows what is going on. Throughout history, people have taken on beards to deflect suspicion, but sometimes it has been done without the beard knowing what he or she was getting into.
Whether, When, To Whom, How to Come Out
Unfortunately, some people are outed against their will, but it is great if you aren't and the decisions about coming out are left entirely up to you and your partner(s). Many people feel stressed by the pressure of staying in the closet and not being able to behave naturally around their lover. On the other hand, criminalization, discrimination, harassment, being disinherited, and other possible reactions have to be considered.
Something that works for some people, mostly when it comes to their
family and friends, is a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Even if people have figured out that you are consanguinamorous, they might prefer not to ask and not to hear about it and you might like that just fine, too. Some people who might find it strange or even a bit unsettling will "live and let live" as long as you don't speak plainly with them about it. It would be great if you could be completely open and honest with the people in your life, but in most cases, that's not possible
yet.
You and your partner(s) might agree to stay closeted until/unless X, Y, or Z happens. For example, you may want to stay closeted until your grandparents pass, or until you move to a place where it isn't against the law.
Love Notes, Sexts, and Texts
Most lovers these days send each other texts, pictures, audio, and video to express their love and desire for each other. No matter how modest these are, if they are discovered, they can out you to the wrong people. Especially if you're living with your parents or with someone else who you aren't certain is an ally, you should consider either refraining from doing these things or using services that allow for encryption and disappearing communications, such as Wire.
The Other Biggest Decision
If there is, when two of you get together, a fertile and working reproductive system, then you should consider whether and when to
have children, or how you're going to make sure you don't. There are many forms of contraception and vasectomies are simple if you're insured.
Every pregnancy has risks, but some have more risks than others. Some consanguineous lovers decide there is too much of a risk due a family history of genetic diseases, or because of discrimination. The existence of a shared genetic child has been used in
criminal cases against consanguinamorous people.
There are DNA tests people can get to check for what they might pass along to a genetic child, although some people are concerned about the privacy commitment or security of some testing services.
There's also the certainty that people will ask someone who is pregnant, if they don't have a partner known to have a penis, how they got pregnant. How will you answer? Sperm donor (friend or sperm bank)? One night stand? Fling? Embryo donation? The truth?
Of course, if you have worries about your own genes or ability to carry a pregnancy (or there isn't a fertile reproductive system between two of you) there are also reproductive technologies and services that provide eggs, sperm, embryos, surrogate mothers, etc. and various forms of adoption, so that you can raise a child if you'd like.
However you come to raise children, another thing you should think about is if and when to tell the children that fact that you're in a consanguinamorous relationship.
What If...?
Discuss with your partner(s) any possible "What ifs" you can think of. What if the laws change for the better? What if we're outed? What if we move there?
Something you should consider is whether or not one of you will
push The Red Button.
Consider Legal Help
There are multiple reasons to consult attorneys.
If you live where criminalization is still in effect and you're not going to move to a better place, a criminal law defense attorney should be consulted. You don't have to even say to the attorney that you're breaking the law. Rather, you can "ask hypothetically" if you'd like.
In some places, a family law or financial attorney and help you and your partner(s) to be pretty much married under the law without it being called marriage. Even if you don't want to be married, you still might want certain protections. This is especially helpful if you're not legally next of kin or if someone else (especially someone who doesn't approve of your love) has equal claim to being next of kin. This can assist you in sharing property and finances, having access to each other if one of you is hospitalized, so on and so forth. Again, you might not have to tell these attorneys that you are consanguinamorous.
Where Can You Live as Independent Adults?
Remember: If at all possible, having separate bedrooms, even if just for appearances, can be helpful.
Landlords
If you're going to get an apartment, flat, or even a house you're going to rent/lease, they might want/need the name of any adult who is going to be living there on the rental/lease agreement. If the landlord knows of your relation (and is NOT an ally), they're probably going to find it strange if it will be clear you'll be sharing a room, depending on your genders and sexual orientations. They might not think anything of it, for example, if they think you're a woman who is going to room with her gay brother, or you're brothers and you're heterosexual, or you're a mother and daughter. In a one-bedroom place, a couple can make it seem as though one has taken the bedroom and the other lives in the space that isn't considered a bedroom. Two siblings or a parent and adult child sharing a two-bedroom place isn't going to raise eyebrows at all.
Things can be less formal, but there's usually less privacy, if you rent a room in a house.
It is great if you can rent a house from a landlord who is not local and thus never visits, and only cares that you don't trash the place and that you pay your rent.
Ideally, you'd find a landlord who is an ally, but if not, discretion is usually going to be a must. In most places, it is still legal to refuse to rent to, or evict, people who are in a consanguinamorous relationship.
Roommates
As with landlords, ideally, you'd be able to find a roommate or roommates who are supportive, but if not, it's going to be very difficult.
Your Home, Your Rules
The best way to live together, if you can pull it off, is to buy your own place, whether a house, condominium, or possibly a mobile home. This affords the most privacy, especially if you make sure views and acoustic conditions are maximized for privacy.
Consider the Wide Open Road
Some people literally live in "recreational vehicles," sometimes called campers. These are basically vans, buses, or trucks that are equipped to be mobile homes. Especially if you're child-free by choice or by age (the kids have grown and moved on), if it suits your lifestyle, it will allow you to quickly move on if you think it would be best to do so.
