A Good Grandma

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In this entry, a supportive grandmother asks about her daughter and grandson.

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Falsely Invoking Science to Justify Bigotry

The "genetics argument" against consanguineous sex and marriage is usually a smokescreen that misuses science to justify bigotry.  There are some people sincerely concerned about children born to consanguineous parents (many of whom would have their concerns eased with a little education on the matter) but most of the people who use the "What about the children?" argument are simply trying to excuse their prejudice, because it sounds better than "I don't like the idea of it."

Ask someone who invokes Discredited Argument #18 if they drop opposition when it comes to a relationship that will not create biological children, such as two cisgender brothers, or a sister with a brother who has had a vasectomy, or siblings over the age of 60. Most will be stumped or will say no, they still oppose such relationships, perhaps citing another Discredited Argument, probably #1 or 3.

Another way of exposing this as a smokescreen is to ask them if they support the same restrictions on an unrelated heterosexual couple in which the woman is 40 years of age.

The fact is, we don't prevent people with known, serious genetic diseases, or who have lived all of their lives in the same neighborhood with pollutants known to cause birth defects, or who have taken medications known to cause birth defects from dating, having sex, marrying, having children, etc., so why deny rights to consanguineous lovers who are more likely to have healthy children together or won't be having children at all?

Everyone knows happy, healthy, intelligent, adorable children born to close relatives, whether they know it or not, and whether the children themselves know of their true biological ancestry or not. I can point to such people whose parents were close relatives. Should they have not been born?

Most children born to consanguineous parents are healthy. That's a fact. We don't hear about that much. Instead, "horror" stories are sensationalized... where a tyrannical patriarch or set of people isolated their family and abused children, engaging in deliberate inbreeding over generations. The problems resulting are often caused by the lack of prenatal care, lack of medical treatment, poor nutrition, physical abuse, substance abuse, poor hygiene, a polluted environment, etc. That's as far removed from what this blog is about (loving relationships between consenting adults) as possible. Cases like that do not justify denying consanguinamorous adults their right to be together in whatever way they want.

Bigotry and restrictions against consanguineous lovers predate a good understanding of genetics. It is just that people now misapply facts about genetics to cover for their dislike of the idea of consanguinamory.

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A simple 'how-to-guide' when deciding on whether your teen should attend a party, gathering or sleepover

Every parent wants their child to have friends and to 'fit in' with their peer group. Many Mums and Dads are terrified that their child may be socially excluded in some way, particularly if they themselves experienced some kind of rejection when they were young. With increasing awareness and concern around mental health issues, particularly around adolescence, this fear has only intensified in recent years and most parents would do almost anything to ensure their child is socially accepted and has a good group of friends.

That is where deciding whether or not your child should be able to attend a party, gathering or even a sleepover can become extremely difficult. On the one hand, you are thrilled that your son or daughter has been invited to an event and wants to go (i.e., they have a friend and are keen to interact with a social group), but at the same time you have questions such as will this be a safe place for them to go and how much do you really know about the people who are hosting? You desperately want your child to fit-in and have a fun time with their friends but you don't want them exposed to potential risks or dangers. At the same time, you are also juggling issues around maintaining an open and positive relationship with your teen - saying 'no' to them all the time can certainly jeopardise that, particularly if they do not understand the reasons behind your decision.

Let me start by saying that I believe strongly that if your child wants to attend a social gathering on a Saturday night (and there are many young people who don't, including an awful lot who have done it once or twice and discovered pretty quickly that it's not their thing!), in most cases, it is usually better to allow them to go than not. Parties and gatherings are where teens learn to socialise in a different way than they do at school and, as such, are an important part of growing up. Still, just blindly saying 'yes' to a teen when they ask if can they go to an event is not the way to go.

So, with that in mind, here are my thoughts on how to make a decision on whether your child should attend a party gathering or sleepover.

Firstly, and most importantly, don't be bullied into a decision – you don't have to give an answer straight away, no matter what they say. Gather the information you need to make an informed decision and if they tell you they need an answer now - the answer is 'no'. Take your time and get it right. If both parents are on the scene, make it clear right from the very start that both of you make decisions around sleepovers and parties. Adolescents are extremely clever at setting up one parent against the other and it is vital that they understand that there is a 'united front' on this issue. Make it clear to them by telling them – "Don’t come to me, don't go to them – come to us!"

To make an informed decision you need good quality information. Every parent needs to decide for themselves what that should be and when they have worked that out, sit down with their child and let them know what that is ... It then needs to be made clear that without that information they won't be going. This is going to be a difficult process if you suddenly start doing this when they are 15-years-old, but get the ball rolling when they are in primary school and it just becomes part of 'what you do' and you won't have the drama later. I believe the following four questions need to be answered to ensure that an informed decision can be made:

• whose party is it and do you know them and/or their parents?
• where will the party be held?
• will the parents be there and will they be actively supervising the party?
• what time does it start and what time does it finish?

Of all the questions here the final one is most probably the most important, mainly because it helps you sort out whether your teen is asking about attending an actual party or a 'pre-party'. This relatively new phenomenon is catching many parents off-guard, particularly those new to the whole teenage party scene. Your teen asks you whether they can be dropped off at Jane's house at 7.30pm and that's where you think they will be for the night. If you haven't done your due-diligence and actually called Jane's parents to find out what is actually going on, they may not even be there at 7.30pm. This is actually a 'pre-party' where a small group of teens will assemble, often pre-load with alcohol (as already said, there are often no parents present, while at other times, some actually 'supervise' this drinking!) and then in a couple of hours the group will move onto the actual party that they were planning to attend all along, with you being none the wiser! Finding out starting and finishing times of an event can help avoid being left in the dark in this area.

So if you need this range of information, where do you go to find it? There are a number of places you can go but unfortunately, in my experience, many parents are simply not willing to put the effort in when it comes to this area …

• first of all, if you're a complete idiot, you'll rely on the old favourite and simply ask your child! This, of course, is not the most reliable source and your teen is more than likely to avoid telling you anything they know would prevent them from going ... That said, you need to always ask them first - what do they know about the event and what will be happening? You can pretty well guarantee that they don't know much and you will be lucky if you get very much valuable information from this discussion. I had a wonderful chat with a young lady this week who took great joy in telling me about the wonderful relationship she had with her mother - "I tell her everything and she trusts me completely," she told me. She had just been sharing a story about a drunken friend that she had tried to carry up some stairs at a party and so I asked her what her Mum had thought about that. "Oh god, I didn't tell her about that! If she knew that my friend had got that drunk she would start worrying about us ..." Obviously, even in the most 'trusting' relationships, choices are made around what needs to be shared and what doesn't!
• most importantly, go to the source – contact the parents hosting the party. This is the best place to go but you're going to get resistance from your teen and the conversation with the parents is not always easy, particularly when it comes to the alcohol issue. As much as some parents have told me that when they have made the call they have been met with a positive response - e.g., "I'm so pleased to hear from you, I haven't had anyone else call and find out what's going on!" - there are others who have had extremely unpleasant experiences. Some claim that they have even been verbally abused by host parents, accused of 'overparenting', with many being asked the question "Why are you calling? Don't you trust your child?" This is always going to be a tough job but is without a doubt the best way to get the information you need
• talk to other parents – this is the one that most parents are least likely to use, but it really is one of the best. If your child has been invited to an event that you are concerned about, talk to their friends' parents to find out how they feel about it. Do they know the parents who are hosting? What has their child told them about the event and does it match up with what your teen has said? If, at any stage during your child's schooling, you can find other parents who you believe have similar values to you in this area, staple them to your side and stick with them for as long as you possibly can! These people can become useful allies throughout the teen years and are also an invaluable source of information ...
• look at social media – has anything been posted online about the event? This is a tough one and I need to make it clear that I do not advocate spying on your child ... When they are in their early to mid teens and are on social media, most cybersafety experts will tell you that a condition of them being on these platforms is that you will be following them in some way. I do not claim to be an expert in this area but if you're going to be doing this I believe it should be done in an honest and upfront way - creating a false identity and 'stalking' your child or finding out their passwords and then secretly accessing their accounts only cause much greater problems later should you actually discover something inappropriate (i.e., how do you tell them that you found out about it?) ... Be upfront and tell them that you need to have access. Should they have concerns (and they will), discuss these and try to reach a compromise. As far as parties, gatherings and sleepovers are concerned - social media can provide valuable information about upcoming events and can certainly help you to make a decision about whether you teen should attend or not

As I said earlier, I believe that it is usually best to let your child attend these social events whenever possible. Of course, there will be times when the information you have collected clearly shows that the event is too risky and you have to say 'no' - you simply have no choice! For some parents it will be the availability of alcohol that will be the deciding factor in whether they allow their teen to attend or not. I certainly believe that if your 14 or 15-year-old is invited to an event and you discover that alcohol will be permitted or tolerated by the parents hosting, that is an extremely good reason to not allow your child to attend. So many of the parties held on a Saturday night around the country are not small - we're often talking about events with 60-80 young people attending. Trying to keep that number of teens safe when alcohol is added to the mix is almost impossible - that is going to potentially be a dangerous event ...

When it comes to 16-year-olds I think this is where trust starts to come in ... If you keep saying 'no' to your child when it comes to attending social events purely because alcohol may be there, you're going to be at risk of them pulling away, that all-important connection can be broken and you could lose them. Once you have done your homework and found out about the event they want to attend and you have concerns, these need to be expressed. Tell them that you don't feel comfortable but that you trust them to do the 'right thing' and that they are allowed to go but there are caveats, i.e., different rules apply to this party than for others. These may include limiting the amount of time they are there or agreeing to be picked-up from the party in a different way than normal. If your trust is broken (i.e., they break your rules), there will be consequences. Over time, reward good behaviour and 'free the reins' a little - they are growing up and becoming young adults.

As I've said many times before, you can't trust an adolescent - they're going to tell lies and let you down - that's what they do! Like everything else during the teen years, however, when it comes to parties, gatherings and sleepovers you have to start trusting them at some point ... you just have to make sure it's not 'blind trust' - do that and it's just plain stupid and potentially unbelievably dangerous!

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Canada Should Let All Consenting Adults Marry if They Want To

Polygamy as a criminal matter is back on the news in Canada, and as a result, someone identified as Lee Harding of Coquitlam wrote a letter printed at vancouversun.com...

The idea that something that is otherwise immoral or even illegal in Canada becomes somehow acceptable if someone claims it as a religious tenet is ridiculous.

Consenting adults should be free to be together however they mutually agree. I'm sure most Canadians, if polled on that without inflammatory phrasing, would agree.

Something is immoral if it violates human rights.

Consenting adults loving each other hardly does that.

This includes forcing or coercing children into life-altering situations, such as early marriage; even worse, into polygamy.

Ahhhh... yes, well child abuse a completely different matter than consenting adults being together. Guilt by association is not fair.

Whether or not polygamy among consenting adults is immoral is perhaps a global grey area, but it’s significant that most countries that permit it do so with restrictions and it’s rarely practised.

This is Discredited Argument #3

In Anne Innis Dagg’s and my book, Human Evolution and Male Aggression (Cambria Press, 2012), we argue that social monogamy is the natural human mating system and has been since before we were fully human.

What an absurd statement, but I guess he wants to sell books. First of all, even if polygamy was "unnatural," (Discredited Argument #5) so what? So are books. So is vancouversun.com. Also, there's enough human history to demonstrate that some people simply are polyamorous.

Wearing the veil or turban, attending religious festivals, praying toward Mecca, eating halal foods: these are religious tenets that do nobody harm.

Adults marrying each other doesn't harm anyone, either.

They aren’t immoral and they don’t violate Canadian values

Same!

Various forms of child abuse, discrimination against women and other human-rights violations are offensive to Canadians, would be damaging to the individuals involved if allowed and are illegal for these reasons.

Right. So prosecute those things.

This includes polygamy.

No, it doesn't. Not when talking about consenting adults.

Removing criminalization, discrimination, and stigmas against relationships between consenting adults will make it easier to prosecute domestic violence and child abuse. Isn't what what we all want most of all in these situations?

People who are abusing children (or adults for that matter) should be prosecuted. Don't deny adults their freedom to marry over prejudice.

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Is There Any Sexuality You Don't Support?

Someone asked me that question privately.

If by sexuality, one means gender identity or sexual orientation… I support people being free to be themselves, as long as they don’t force themselves on others (like predators of children).

Regarding sex…

I believe in the basic human rights of freedom of religion, association, expression, and assembly. Anything consenting adults do together should be up to them, and should not be something to be subjected to criminal prosecution, discrimination, or bullying. Nor should minors close in age be prosecuted or forced into “treatment” for having sex with each other.

I don't consider rape, assault, or child molestation to be "sex." I'm all for prosecuting for those.

I think if someone is at the age of consent for sex, that age of consent should also apply to being recorded or photographed. If someone wants to make videos of themselves to take pictures of themselves or let someone else do it, and they want to show it to others, and another person of the age of consent wants to view it, fine.

Regarding marriage…

I support the right to marry for everyone. An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.

But…

My support of legal rights and protections does not mean I personally support all sex or marriages.

For example, I think it is a bad idea for, say, a woman who needs monogamy to have sex on the first date, and if a friend like that wants my "support" I would tell her no, it is a bad idea.

Another example… I think it is safe to say we’ve all known people who announced they were going to get married and we cringed (if only inside) because we didn’t think they were right for each other, or perhaps in a place in their lives where they were ready to be married.

I am also against cheating (but again, I don’t think it should be a criminal matter). Cheating is when someone breaks an existing vow to another through action, rather than informing the person(s) with whom they have the vow that the agreement is ending. There are married couples who have agreements that allow one or both of them to have sex with other people, and per those agreements doing so would not be cheating.

However, if someone tells me they are happily involved with their close biological relative, or two close biological relatives, and none of them are cheating to do it, then yes, I support them. I support happy, healthy same-gender relationships, interracial relationships, polyamorous relationships, intergenerational relationships (adults), and consanguinamorous relationships.

I am sex-positive. Sex is a good thing for many reasons. We’d be better off if more people were having more sex and sex that was more satisfying to them. So generally, I “support sex.” Those who don’t think sex is a good thing or talk as though it isn’t may be doing it wrong, or may have forgotten what it is like (certain asexuals excepted).

What about you? Are you sex-positive?

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Clear Out Those Negative Thoughts

The harm of prejudiced bigotry against consanguinamorous relationships, like the bigotry against so many other expressions of love, affection, and identity, extends to being internalized by some of the people involved. Some struggle with their feelings, because they've been bombarded with irrational fears and disapproval, even before they have any understanding or thoughts about, or experiences with, such matters.

Practically, you see this when cousins or siblings or other closely related adults are conflicted about the love they have.

Although there is no good reason why adults who mutually agree to be together in some way should feel guilty, some still do, and that's a shame. In general, consanguinamory is not sick. It is usually beneficial for all involved, with most negative results being solely the result of external bigotries, sometimes enshrined in ridiculous laws.

It would help if people knew that they are not alone and that there is no good reason they shouldn't be free to be together and have their rights.

Our dear friend Jane has written some great material for anyone who is struggling. Although her blog is focused on consanguinamory, much of what she writes in this entry is applicable to anyone struggling to accept themselves or their relationships.

Because this is how I questioned myself in the early days of my relationship with my dad, it worked for me. Every now and then I’ve also helped others online by asking them these kinds of questions, and some people feel better just for having read this blog and others on the subject… I advocate it because IT WORKS.

I’d also recommend to anyone struggling, to join the community at Kindred Spirits. You can talk to other people who are going through the same things and that can help by giving you some extra perspective. You don’t have to be alone with these issues, we’re a friendly bunch and being in a mutually supportive environment helps a lot.

Go read it all!

The good news is that we're on the right side of history. Sooner or later, all adults will have their rights, including the rights to be together and to marry, if they want. We're striving to make it happen sooner rather than later, and there are ways you can help.

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Authentic Mexican Guacamole ; Meatless Monday

Guys, spring is here!!! Even though it does not feel like spring at times...But not to despair!! It will get warm soon enough! We have to now get our bodies ready for summer!!

We are always on the look out for healthy snacks: snacks that are not processed, low in calories and replenishes & rejuvenates the body. One such snack is Guacamole. Made out of ripe avocados, they are filling,nutritious  and flavorful and cooling! Avocados are known as butter fruit in India. 

There are many versions of guacamole. Some make it chunky, some smooth, some add tomatoes and garlic while others don't. I have the good fortune of working with quite a few Hispanics and therefore learn authentic Hispanic dishes. This particular version of guacamole comes from a coworker of mine. I first tasted her guacamole at a workplace event that we had and the foodie in me was impressed to say the least. I loved the freshness of the guacamole and that there was no overpowering taste of one single ingredient. I had to have the recipe.

 She was kind enough to share it with me. I love the ease of making this guacamole with no food processor or blender needed. I use my stone pestle and mortar to make it. This recipe also requires only 6 ingredients including the avocado! Since making this version, I have not made any other.. I like to eat it as a dip with quinoa chips, quesadilla and as a topping on my sandwich or in my wrap.

Today, I am sharing this delicious recipe with you.

Servings: 3-4

Prep time: 8-10 minsCook time: 0Total time: 8-10 mins

Ingredients:

Avocado: 1 large, ripe
White Onion: 1/2 small, diced fine
Serrano pepper: 1, small, deseeded & deveined.
Lime Juice: from 1 small lime.
Cilantro: 2 tbsp, finely chopped
Salt: to taste

Method:

Deseed the Serrano pepper and chop it finely. Add it to a bowl.

Slice the avocado into 2. Remove the seed. 

Using a spoon, scoop it from the peel. Dice it into medium sized cubes. Add it to the bowl.

Add lime/lemon juice to the avocado and mix immediately. Otherwise the avocado will discolor.

Now add the chopped onion, finely chopped cilantro, and salt to the bowl.

Mix well. Mash the mixture gently to get the desired consistency.

Keep refrigerated until ready to use.

Preferably serve immediately.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy:

One of the problems of avocado is that it turns black. This can be prevented by the addition of lime or lemon juice and also by leaving the seed in the guacamole. The guacamole with remain green even the next day!!

Tip for healthy living:

Eating low calorie dips made using naturally occurring foods like avocado is much better than the high fat and calorie dips that use sour cream, cheese & mayonnaise as a base!

Food for thought:

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance. Buddha

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Lies and Damned Lies About Polygamy

[Note: I am bumping up this previous entry because it is as relevant as ever. Polygamy is not something to escape from, fear, or prosecute. Abusive people are. Polygamy doesn't harm women, children, or teen boys, abusers do. The same goes for monogamy.]

Good ol’ tool of anti-equality forces, Professor Joe Henrich of the University of B.C., is back in the news. This article comes with a picture of Bountiful, B.C. (which is NOT the picture shown here) along with this text…

New research says that polygamy, which is practiced in Bountiful, B.C., leads to increased crime.

Right. Everyone avoids driving near Bountiful because of the high crime rate.

Prof. Joe Henrich found that when rich men take more than one wife, it leaves a deficit of women leading to increased fighting and competition for the remaining women.

Got that? You non-wealthy or unmarried guys are just a bunch of criminals.

Henrich is taking about women as though they have no minds of their own and are nothing but property, akin to cars.

Rich men can “take” more than one woman, marriage or not. Shall we ban all nonmonogamy? Or, since it might lower the crime rate according to this line of thinking, shall we require a woman to find an unmarried man and keep him busy so he won’t go around being a violent criminal?

"You have low-status men who are desperate for resources," said Henrich, a professor in the departments of psychology and economics. "More polygamy leads to a greater proportion of unmarried men, which leads to increased crime."

How does Henrich explain “low status” men who marry a woman and support her decision to not earn income as she tends to the children or earn less income than she and their children will spend? Wouldn’t it make sense, in Henrich’s view, for such men to never marry and have children, so as to be less “desperate for resources?”

Henrich and his co-authors studied societies where polygamy is prevalent, trying to discover the consequences.

Did they also conclude that polygamy causes high amounts of melanin?

"The scarcity of marriageable women in polygamous cultures increases competition among men for the remaining unmarried women," said Henrich. "The greater competition increases the likelihood men in polygamous communities will resort to criminal behaviour to gain resources and women."

I wonder why the article doesn’t cite examples?

I also wonder how much funding for this, or how much of Henrich’s pay, comes from the very government that has banned the polygamous freedom to marry and is actively attacking polygynous families?

We’ve already debunked all of this here, here, here, here, here, and here. We will need many more dung beetles to clear this pile up.

An adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults. These excuses to deny full marriage equality are flimsy masks that fail to hide festering bigotry.

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Has Your Partner Experienced Consanguinamory?

I used be active at a certain Big Internet Portal's Question and Answer service, until someone who couldn’t handle me answering questions truthfully when it comes to certain romantic or sexual topics decided to get me "suspended" using a weakness in their automated system. After that, I'd still check to see what questions were being asked there, even though I couldn't participate in any way or even contact anyone there unless they had somehow provided an email address in their question or answer. I will not link to the service, but I will quote it. Someone named Lauren asked this question...

Ok.....complicated one, recently found out my husband and his younger sister had sex for a number of years between the ages of 10-12, this is what he's telling me tho I'm aware this may have more to it? We are a young couple married with two children (boys) my relationship with his family has never been great and this hasn't helped! Can anyone give me any advice or your thoughts on how you would deal with this news? I'm up and down and so confused.....

Questions like this come up more than people might think. Person A is dating or married to Person B and Person A suspects or has found out that Person B has been sexually involved with a sibling or other family member. Person A usually wants to know what they should do.

It is important to clarify the situation by determining the answers to some questions.

1) Is this something that is suspected or has it been confirmed?



Not all families have the same behaviors and boundaries when it comes to physical affection, personal space, joking, and otherwise talking. As such, Person A can look at how Person B interacts with a sibling and think, “I wouldn’t interact with my sibling that way, only a partner” and so think that Person B must have sexual experience with their family member. It isn’t necessarily the case, though. On the other hand, with as common as consanguineous experimentation and sex is, it isn’t unreasonable to wonder.

Unless someone comes right out and makes a clear, credible statement either way, there probably isn’t an easy way to get the truth that will not cause some embarrassment.  One way of handling it could be in expressing needs and negotiating boundaries. Even if someone is monogamous, they should never assume their relationship is monogamous unless that has been explicitly discussed. So perhaps one oblique way of trying to determine if there’s anything current is to say, “I need monogamy. Is that going to be a problem?” Or, if polyamorous, saying “I need to know exactly who else you are going to be having sex with.” Trying to determine if anything happened in the past is going to take being a little less vague. It might be helpful to say something like this, in a nonjudgmental tone: “I was reading that a surprisingly high percentage of people have had sexual experiences with a close family member, enough that everyone knows somebody who has. But I’m not aware of anyone I know who has. Are you?” Depending on how serious the relationship is getting, the questioning can get more direct, because if someone is going to be creating a family with someone else, they should be talking about the dynamics and family history of both families.


2) Was this something that happened in the past or is it ongoing?

If confirmation is obtained, it is important to know whether the sexual aspect of the relationship is likely over for good or if it is ongoing or could easily resume. If it ended, when, why, and how did it end?


3) Was this consensual activity or was it assault/molestation?

I don’t classify assault or molestation as sexual activity or experimentation, as I think those are entirely different things. But as far as abuse or molestation goes, there is a difference between a 12-year-old grabbing his 10-year-old sister once to upset her and realizing it was a terrible thing to do and a 14-year-old forcing themselves on a 7-year-old repeatedly and trying to excuse it with “kids will be kids.” If someone is planning to raise kids with their partner, they should not ignore a history of child abuse.

Some kids engage in mutual exploration or experimentation. Most therapists don’t consider it abusive if minor family members close in age explore by mutual agreement. A 13-year-old and a 12-year-old might be curious. A 20-year-old and an 18-year-old might be in love. And that brings us to another question.


4) If this was a consensual thing in the past, was it a one-time event, a casual family-with-benefits thing, a love affair, or what?

They may have engaged in everything from a one-time instance of playing doctor or some other game, or had an ongoing love affair that they thought was going to last forever. Or perhaps there was something in between. That matters.


Discovering that your partner is cheating on you, deeply in love with a sibling, is a different matter than finding out that your partner used to masturbate in front of a sibling when they were teens, for mutual enjoyment, and both are different than finding out that your partner assaulted three relatives.

Going back to the question that prompted this entry, it wasn’t clear whether both of the siblings were "10-12" or not. Assuming they were close in age, it was not a matter of abuse, and everything ended before they were even teenagers, then there’s nothing for Lauren to do, unless she thinks it is causing ongoing problems in her marriage, in which case she should seek marriage therapy and perhaps individual therapy. If he is a good father and a good husband, she should be happy knowing that he chose to marry her and loves her. That should outweigh what happened in his childhood, even if she thinks what happened is wrong.

All of the above refers to interaction with siblings, cousins or even aunts/uncles who are close in age. There is a different dynamic if the involvement was with an older aunt/uncle, parent, or grandparent (or, in the case of someone who is older, an adult child). Again, abuse is a whole different matter than consensual sex between adults. But consensual adult intergenerational sex does happen, perhaps not as often as intragenerational, but it happens.

If someone is not in a committed relationship, but is rather just dating someone, and they think the other person is “too close” to a family member, they are entirely free to stop seeing them. A casual outsider is not going to change family dynamics, and trying to do so will likely make everyone unhappy. Who wants to be suspicious that their partner is cheating with anyone, let alone a family member? A consanguinamorous bond can be an especially powerful one, and if someone suspects they are dating someone who is has such a bond, issuing an ultimatum will likely mean the dating will end.

Like anything else about a partner’s sexual history, it comes down to knowing what you’ll accept and what you won’t (and what you need to know to begin with). While you may be missing out on a great partner if you “can’t” accept some of the consensual sex in their past or that they will not tell you something, it isn’t a good idea to get in deeper with someone if you’re going to end up holding that aspect of their past against them.

Conversely, if you'll love them and let them know they can be honest with you about their past and whether or not it (still) holds an erotic charge for them, you can have a great time or a great life together, especially if you are willing to sometimes play off of that history in fantasies.

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