5 things parents should discuss with their teen before they leave home for a sleepover, party or gathering

If you allow your teen to attend a sleepover, party or gathering on a Saturday night, you've made a pretty big decision. They're going to be going to someone else's home (often someone you don't know particularly well) and they are going to socialise with other teenagers. Regardless of whether alcohol (or other drugs) are going to be involved - things can go wrong. Once you've told your teen they can go to wherever it is that they are going, your work doesn't stop there!

I've written about the importance of making decisions about how they get to the event and how they get home (as I've said many times, I believe this is the one non-negotiable in this area - you decide what happens here - not your child!), as well as talking about your expectations around behaviour, but it is also vital that, regardless of their age, your child should never leave home without a number of simple things being discussed. These are all around safety and planning and although I am sure some parents will read these and think that these are 'overkill' and bordering on 'smothering', it's the way that they are raised that makes all the difference ... This is not about a sit-down discussion where you give them a lecture, but rather some of these should just arise in general conversation in the lead-up to them leaving home for the night or just become part of the ritual of dropping them off to wherever they may be going.

Most importantly, every parent's mantra as their child leaves home on a Saturday night should be as follows - "You can call me anytime, anywhere – if something goes wrong and you need me – I'll be there!"

Even though you've made the decision that they can go to wherever they're going you continue to be a parent. Make sure you are available to them should they need you. Your child should feel comfortable calling you in any situation, at any time, feeling absolutely confident that you will be there. This needs to be conveyed to them whenever you take them anywhere, over and over again ... Now if you decide to say this, you must be able to follow-through and ensure you are able to do it and that may mean that you will have to sacrifice your 'fun' on a Saturday night. If they're at a party or even a sleepover (i.e., there are no plans for them to come home that evening), one or both of you are always going to have to remain sober to ensure that you can hop into your car to get them at a moment's notice. That may be really difficult for some people but that's what being a parent is all about! Sure, you can always call a cab or an Uber if need be, but if your child calls you in a state because everything has gone 'pear-shaped', you are going to want to get there as soon as possible and be in a state to look after them ...

Apart from this mantra, here are five things I believe every parent should discuss with their teen before they leave home on a Saturday night:

• remind them of your support should they need to call 000 - this is the one that I am always amazed that parents simply don't do! In my experience, the number one reason that young men don't call an ambulance is the belief that the police routinely attend ambulance calls (which, of course, is completely untrue - they don't even know an ambulance call has been made unless the paramedics call them) and young women fear that their parent will find out ... That is incredibly sad - they actually make the decision not to call for help because they're scared of what you may think. Every child (not only teens) need to feel completely supported should they find themselves in a situation where they need to call an ambulance, always remembering that the slightest hesitation could possibly lead to tragic consequences. As already said, this reminder should not be part of a major lecture and could be as simple as a throwaway line as they're getting out of the car like "You know that you have my 100% permission to call 000 if something goes wrong and then call me ..."
• check that they have the address of wherever they are going stored in their phone or written on a piece of paper - this takes five seconds to do but can save a life in an emergency. Regardless of where they're going (or their age - I've met university students who say this was one of the best tips I gave them when they heard me at their school years before, as they're still doing it!), make sure that you see them putting the address of where they're planning to go into their phone. If something goes wrong and they need to call for help, they will need to know their location. I recommend that every parent ensures that their entire family downloads the 'Emergency +' app onto their smartphones (this activates your GPS and provides not only your latitude and longitude but also your street address), but just to be on the safe side, having the address written down somewhere is a great idea and also ensures your teen understands the importance of planning ahead, as well as providing you with some piece of mind
• find out who their 'buddy' is for the night and make sure you have their number - the worst thing that can happen to a parent is when, for some reason, they need to contact their teen when they are out and they can't get hold of them. For whatever reason, they don't answer their phone or they don't respond to a text. Establishing the importance of identifying a 'buddy' for the night, once again, stresses the importance of planning and also provides parents with a safety-net in this area. A buddy is the person that your teen is planning on being with for the night (it is important to make clear that this is not about being 'joined at the hip', it's just they're planning to be with or around them). The whole idea is that if you are unable to get hold of your teen (and you would only do so if it was absolutely necessary - you don't want to be bombarding them with messages all evening - do that and you'll never be given a buddy's number!), you can contact the buddy, just to make sure all is fine
• discuss your 'out word' and remind them that you're always willing to be the 'bad guy' if they need you to be - I've talked about coming up with an 'out' word or phrase with your child to help them get out of situations and still 'save face' many times before. This can be used in either a text message, a phone call or a conversation whenever your child wants to be taken out of a situation - e.g., they may not be enjoying a sleepover they are at (either missing their bed or you), there may be things happening at a party that they don't feel comfortable being around or they just simply be bored out of their brains and want to come home. Remind them that if they feel that way, they can use the out word and you'll be there and you're happy to be seen as the bad guy by their friends and take the blame to get them out of any situation
• "if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't" - once again, this is a statement that needs to be thrown out in a casual conversation but needs to be put out there often. Making it a part of the ritual of dropping them off or as they walk out the door can be so powerful. Regardless of where they are going and who they are with, your teen is going to have to make many decisions throughout the night, some which could have major consequences if they make the 'wrong' ones. You can't make those decisions for them - they're going to have to do it for themselves. You have undoubtedly aimed to raise your child with a set of values that are similar to yours - simply reminding them that 'if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't' will hopefully demonstrate to them that you are trusting them to make the 'right decision', whatever that may be ...

It constantly amazes me that many parents will often send or drop their teens off on a Saturday night without more than a quick "I love you". Of course, you can't wrap them up in cotton wool and protect them from absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong - they are growing up and they are going to have to fend for themselves at some point or another. That is why it is important for them to socialise with their peers and have a good time - some of them will make mistakes and things will go awry - that's a key part of growing up. That said, it is also vital that parents remember that they are going to potentially dangerous events - taking the time to cover just a few simple things that can keep them just a bit safer is not 'overparenting' or smothering. If done correctly, it's simply showing them that you love them and, at the same time, provides them with some basic life skills for the night ahead and their future ...  

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Mangalorean Egg Curry with coconut

My household likes eggs in any form: scrambled, boiled, omelette.. You name it. We love the curried version: jhatpat egg curry, tangy egg curry, egg chilli. 

At times, I make the Curry with the Mangalorean style sauce which I usually reserve for fish or chicken as I often feel that I don't have to labor that hard to cook eggs. Today was one of those days when I craved for the Mangalorean style sauce. Traditionally this is made with freshly grated coconut. I have made this using coconut milk. You can use whichever method is convenient for you based on availability of ingredients.

Servings : 4-6

Prep time: 15-20 minsCook time: 15-20 minsTotal time: 30-40 mins

Ingredients:

Boiled eggs: 6
Coriander seeds: 2 tsp
Cumin seeds ( jeers): 1 tsp
Red chillies: 4-6 medium
Methi seeds( fenugreek): 4-6 seeds
Black pepper corns: 1/2 tsp
Tamarind: marble sized ( if using tamarind concentrate, use 1/4 tsp
Turmeric powder: 1/4 tsp
Onion: 2 medium-sized, chopped
Garlic:  3-4 cloves
Coconut oil: 1/4 tsp + 1 tbsp ( any cooking oil may be used).
Tomato: 1 medium, chopped
Green chillies: 3-4, slit
Ginger: 1 inch, minced
Curry leaves : 1 sprig ( optional)
Coconut milk: 1 cup
Salt to taste.

Method:

In a sauce pan or sauté pan, heat 1/4 tsp oil. In this roast coriander seeds, cumin seeds, methi seeds, black pepper & red chillies one after the other. Keep aside in a bowl to cool down.

Once cooled down, grind the above roasted items with tamarind, turmeric powder, 1 chopped onion and garlic. Add just enough water to grind it into a smooth paste.

In the same saucepan, heat 1 tbsp oil.  Add the other half of the chopped onions. Sauté until it is transparent. Add the minced ginger, curry leaves , chopped tomatoes and sauté until the tomatoes have softened. Add the ground masala, coconut milk, salt and bring it to a gentle boil.

While the sauce it boiling, peel the eggs and slice it into 2 halves and keep ready.

Add the sliced eggs gently to the boiling sauce. Continue to summer for a minute or two.

Garnish with finely chopped coriander leaves if you wish. I didn't have any so I haven't used any. 

Serve hot with rice/ bread/roti.

Enjoy!

Serve hot.

Cooking made easy:

If you want perfect hard-boiled eggs here is an easy way to do it.
In a pot bring water to a boil and gently drop in the eggs. Let it continue to boil for 10 mins. Turn off the stove and cover the pot and keep it for another 10 mins. Drain the water. Perfect hard-boiled eggs are yours to enjoy!

Tip for healthy living:

Try to limit your egg consumption to maximum of 2 a day! Even though eggs have many nutritional benefits eating too many eggs can increase your cholesterol levels!

Food for thought:

Hope is such a bait, it covers any hook. Oliver Goldsmith

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When Middle-Aged Siblings Get Together

[Bumping this up,]

Some people find this blog from doing a search. Today's interesting search phrase is...

Causes of middle age sibling incest

I'm assuming this is about sex, which is consensual, rather than assault.

I've largely explained the "causes" in this posting, which was about a father and adult daughter.

I have no way of knowing if the person doing the search is such a lover, has a partner who is involved, is a family member or friend, or someone else.

What I do know is that sex between siblings is common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been involved.

Since the previous posting I linked was about an adult and their parent, I'll add a few comments here specifically dealing with siblings.

For some middle-aged siblings, the origin of their sexual interaction goes back to having sexual contact as teenagers, which could have stopped for many reasons, including someone else intervening and stopping it, fear of persecution, the siblings finding other partners, going their separate ways for education and employment, and other reasons. Others have their first sexual contact with each other as middle-aged adults.

Having sex with each other in middle age, whether it is new or a resuming of past experiences, could be prompted by a variety of factors. Whether bored or dissatisfied in their relationships with others (and looking for a "safe" person to cheat with); looking to traverse what is, for them, new sexual territory whether they are single or in an open relationship; nostalgic for the past; looking for a "safe" partner who loves them after a breakup or divorce; brought into each other's presence and comforting each other after the death of a parent (or sibling or friend); one caring for the other through recovery from an injury or illness; just plain ol' curiosity or horniness combined with availability. Sometimes it is the first time the siblings have really been in each other's lives at all, and they feel a powerful attraction.

What causes these relationships isn't as important as respecting adults and their relationship and sexual rights. If they aren't cheating by sneaking behind a partner's back, violating an existing agreement, then siblings loving each other this way, especially as middle-aged adults, shouldn't be a matter for law enforcement nor finger-waggers. They are people who at least somewhat share a background, and are likely close in age, and the love each other. Be happy for them!

See:

Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

Interviews with Siblings in Sexual Relationships

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What's So Scary About Equality?

If you're not connected to me on Tumblr, or don't at least have my Tumblr blog bookmarked, well, I'm there, too, and there's content there that doesn't make it here.

Someone submitted this to me for response...

I want to thank you, you and thefinalmanifesto have completely changed my mind about polyamory, and marriage equality. I think I hadn't let myself consider it seriously before because I felt like that would be validating conservatives' "slippery slope" arguments about same-sex marriage. You've put a human face on the issue, and made me realize I need to stop being intellectually dishonest. I've got a lot of learning ahead of me. Thanks and continue to be awesome!

This is what I wrote...

Hey, thanks!

That tactic by those against marriage equality is nothing new. Go back in US history and one of the arguments against abolishing slavery and civil rights was “Those negroes are going to take your women if we free them or give them rights!” And, of course, in the 1960s, bans on interracial marriage were struck down by the Supreme Court, and that is good!

Go back and you’ll see “No, we can’t let women vote! If we do, next they’ll be independent!” And, of course, many are now, and that’s good.

Interracial marriage and adult women NOT having to be subservient to a husband, father, or brother seemed radical and jarring, but what more people should have asked at the time was, “What’s wrong with that?”

So let’s do that now when it comes to adult relationships and marriage. What’s the problem with letting consenting adults be together the way they want? Challenge the prejudiced. They won’t have a good answer. They’ll scoff, or jump up and down, or point and say “See!!!” But those aren’t arguments. They don’t explain why we should discriminate against any consensual relationships between adults.

My call to solidarity: http://ift.tt/2nFJsgE

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Exercise is Vital in Elderly

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Tips For Switching to Polyamory

Quora is an excellent way ask and answer questions. I certainly recommend it over a certain Big Internet Portal That-Was-Just-Bought-by-a-Big-Telecom's Answers service. Somebody asked "What are some tips for people who are thinking about transitioning to being polyamorous?"

Before we move on to the answers, which you should check out in full by following the link above, it is important to note that for some people, they are polyamorous as who they are, just like they are left or right-handed. They are polyamorous whether they are in a relationship or not, or even if they are currently in a relationship with one person. For such people it is more a matter of becoming true to themselves. Other people can function well long-term in polyamorous relationships or monogamous relationships.

Franklin Veaux is always a good person to consult about polyamory. He is co-author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory...

Don’t expect that you can just try it and go back to the way things were if it doesn’t work for you. It will change things, even if you decide later to return to monogamy.

Yes it will.

Don’t imagine you can script how your “outside” relationships will develop or what they’ll look like. Other people are people, and people are complicated. Things will go in directions you didn’t expect. Theory and practice are the same in theory but different in practice. That’s okay. Cultivate an attitude of flexibility and resilience.

A person can decide what their boundaries are, but they can't decide for anyone else.

Lori Beth Bisbey, an intimacy coach and clinical psychologist...

Do some research. Read Dr Meg Barker’s book Rewriting the Rules, Franklin Veaux and Eve Richert’s book More than Two, and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s book The Ethical Slut for some balanced perspectives.

Good advice.

Kari Rakitan...

Just be sure to keep your love life separate from your career for a while unless you are in a profession where such openness is actually beneficial to your work. If you want to come out to people at work later, make sure you are fully prepared to defend your decision. Some of the books Lori mentioned will be helpful for that.

It's too bad that anyone would feel pressured to keep closeted about consensual adult relationships, but sometimes it is necessary to avoid the negative effects of bigotry. Read more about protecting yourself and each other.

I will add this:

It can be much easier or at least less complicated if you're not in a relationship when you make this change. That way, as you date people, you can let them know at the appropriate time that you will not be promising monogamy because you are intentionally, ethically, nonmonogamous. Also, you can seek out partners in polyamory forums and social networking groups.

Making the transition when already in an established relationship is possible, it just means your partner has to be on board, whether or not they will be seeking new partners, and your new partner(s) has/have to be OK with your current partner being their metamour.

Why More Will Try Polyamory

Advice on Coming Out as Polyamorous To Your Parents

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Jane Obliterates Ignorance

If you don't do so already, you really need to follow Jane's blog. She just put up another great entry obliterating ignorance about consanguinamory.

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SPOILERS - Who is Rey? Star Wars Can Advance Marriage Equality

[This entry is being bumped up because Episode VIII is in post-production and it would be great if it could make a difference for equality.]


You know the drill. If you haven't seen "Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens" yet and don't want any of it spoiled, just skip over this entry.


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Really. Don't read the rest of this entry if you don't want spoilers.
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OK, so Ben Solo/Kylo Ren is the offspring of Han and Leia. He went bad while training under Luke.



There are plausible theories that Rey is his younger, full-blooded sister, left where she was when she was about five years old to protect her until the time was right.

I propose that those in control of Star Wars canon do something a little more bold.

Stick with me here.


Remembering back to the original trilogy (the original movie and the first sequel, "The Empire Strikes Back"), there was clearly supposed to be some chemistry between Luke and Leia. Luke sees her recorded message and is struck by her beauty. Leia kisses him for "luck." In Empire, she kisses Luke on the lips in front of Han Solo to make a point to Han. Even in at least one of the early books (no longer considered canon), there is some erotic tension between Luke and Leia. Also in the movies, when Han asks Luke if he thinks he (Han) and Leia could ever be together, Luke quickly says "no," as if jealous.

We (and they) were later told they were siblings... twins, even... and Leia ends up with Han (but not before Han expresses jealousy and assumes Luke and Leia are in love).

What went on when Luke saw her recording and the later interaction between the two of them could be described as the very real thing called Genetic Sexual Attraction. They were full genetic siblings, separated at birth, and reunited post-puberty, and they felt a mutual attraction.

So what could the Star Wars creatives do that would shock audiences as much as Darth Vader revealing to Luke that he is his father? They could have Rey be Leia's daughter, but with Luke, not Han.

Again, stick with me here.

This could be tied in to Luke despairing over the devastating attack on the attempted revival of the Jedi, and seeking comfort from Leia,  and she despairing over the evil turn by her son, and turning to Luke. It could also tie in to estrangement between Leia and Han. Most importantly (story-wise), it could explain why Rey was able to start to develop her powers on her own and make her, ultimately, more powerful than Kylo Ren and Snoke.

Yes, there would be backlash from some of the audience. There would be some uptight people who'd be publicly burning their Star Wars items. However, classic mythology, which is one of the things from with the movie series draws inspiration, is filled with consanguineous lovers having important children, some historic royal dynasties (Leia is a princess) have traditions of consanguinamory, and if done right, it could do something even more important than be a fascinating story; it could help a group that deals with a lot of trouble; Friends of Lily, and anyone experiencing GSA.

The movie makers could wimp out and make Rey a product of artificial insemination (conceived in a desperate attempt to hedge against the Dark Side), but it makes a better story is she the result of a moment of loving, but conflicted passion.

So how about it, Masters of the Star Wars Canon? Make Rey more of an heir to Anakin Skywalker than Ben. If done right, the backlash would be minimized and it would be one of the most talked about plot twists in movie history. Shock audiences again and do something positive for equality.

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Helpful Short Statements You Are Free to Use

An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and civil union/domestic partnership/marriage (and any of those without the others) with ANY and ALL consenting adult, without fear of prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

That's what this blog is here for.

Maybe you've scoured the entries here and you agree with our goal of bringing about relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality, sooner rather than later, but you don't have a lot of time to counteract the ignorance prejudice of those who try to block progress.

Always feel free to point people to this page, which answers all of the typical arguments used by anti-equality forces.

Feel free to use any of these statements/questions that we have found to be helpful:



I support the rights of all consenting adults to their relationships. If you have a good reason to deny anyone their equal rights, please share it. (This is especially helpful when they say, "So you support [fill in the blank], too?!?" If they cite something like human-toaster marriage, ask them what part of "consenting adult" they don't understand.)


Can you give one good reason to deny consenting adults their fundamental right to the relationship to which they mutually agree? (They won't be able to.)


Every bit of time and money spend trying to deny consenting adults their right to be together as they mutually agree is time and money that could be better spent preventing and treating abuse.


Allowing all adults their rights will make it easier to prevent abuse and prosecute abusers as victims and witnesses will be more likely to cooperate with law enforcement if their own love lives aren't criminalized.


If people don't have the right to love each other how they mutually agree, do they really have any rights at all?


You don't have to want something for yourself to agree that other adults should be free to have their relationships.


It is wasteful, counterproductive, unjust, and cruel to try to keep consenting adults who love each other apart. Real people, including children, are hurt by making criminals and  second-class citizens out of adult lovers.

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