Friday, December 1, 2017
World AIDS Day
December 1 is World AIDS Day. It is very important to remember those we've lost to AIDS, to care for anyone battling AIDS, and to care for anyone with HIV.
We must continue to work for a cure and continue to fight the spread of HIV.
We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming have helped spread HIV and AIDS.
Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor stigmatized for getting sick.
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We must continue to work for a cure and continue to fight the spread of HIV.
We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming have helped spread HIV and AIDS.
Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor stigmatized for getting sick.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Intergenerational Relationships Aren't Automatically Abusive
Oh, hey! Somehow I didn't notice you supported intergenerational relationships, and I checked your answers to common objections and there was no reference to it, so may I direct you to a couple of links you might find interesting? They are against intergenerational relationships, but they might have notions you haven't considered.From what I could see, the objections to intergenerational relationships (generally meaning 20 or more years difference in age) or even just age-gap relationships (less than 20, but, say ages 18 vs. 24 or 30 vs. 45) were all variations on the "power imbalance" argument.
Now, before we go further let me say as I've said before that just because I think all consenting adults should be free to be together without criminalization, bullying, or discrimination, and this blog defends intergenerational relationships in general, that of course not every intergenerational relationship is a good thing, sometimes because one person is abusive or manipulative, sometimes for other reasons. This is true about any relationship, whether heterosexual or gay, interracial or endogamous, monogamous or polyamorous, open or closed; whatever variety. It also goes for friendships, business relationships, and any other kind of human interaction.OK, with that out of the way...
Let me also say that personally, when there has been a significant age gap in my own relationships, it has more often been with women older than me rather than younger than me. I'm older and wiser now and I still don't see the relationship I had with a middle-aged woman when I was an "adult teenager" as problematic. That relationship gave me some of the best times in my life, helped me through a lot of things, and improved me in many ways.
No relationship is going to have perfectly equal power between the individuals. There is a power differential in just about any relationship, sometimes an enormous power differential. One person is more emotionally needy than another. One earns more than the other. One is more educated than another. One has more friends and family than another. One has more life experience than another. On and on it goes. Statistically, most women (not all, of course) who to choose to marry men marry a man who is physically stronger, taller, and bigger than them. Isn't that a power imbalance? On the other hand, there are many who say that since almost all men are born of women and many are breastfed and cared for by women, that emotionally, a woman married to a man has more emotional power over him.
Would it be wrong for a tall, 30-year-old woman who is a highly trained and experienced professional mixed martial artist, and wealthy as a result, who also has an MBA, to date and have sex with a short, 30-year-old man who isn't very toned and makes his living as a retail store clerk and has no college degree? It might be an impossible dream for such a man, but would it be automatically abusive and wrong for her to date and have sex with him, because of the power imbalance?
Some of the best and most enduring marriages in Hollywood are between a celebrity and someone who isn't famous, even though fame can bring someone much power.
How much power imbalance is too much should be up to the individuals involved. Sure, if you see that it is clear one person is abusing another, you can tell the abuser off and urge the abused person to get out of the relationship. Of course abusers should be called out, and if you witness anything like assault or what amounts to abduction or hostage-taking, you can report the abuser to police regardless of what the abused person wants. But an age gap doesn't automatically mean the relationship is abusive.
Age is only one factor when it comes to power. Should billionaires only date and have sex with other billionaires? Geniuses only with other geniuses? Models only with other models? Psychiatrists only with other psychiatrists? Weightlifters only with other weightlifters? Judges only with other judges? Governors only with other Governors? Also, being older doesn't always make someone more powerful in a social relationship. Someone can be 30 and have more life experience and more interpersonal skills and more relationship experience and more confidence than someone who is 50, depending on the lives they've lived, and this can be the case without the 50-year-old having anything seriously wrong with them. If we agree that, in general, a 38-year-old has more power than an 18-year-old, what about a 58-year-old with a 38-year-old? Or a 78-year-old with a 58-year-old? It isn't always so clear. Haven't we all known of middle-aged adults who are wrapped around the finger of their 19-year-old child, or defer to and cater to that grown child because of the child's personality or conditions? That is a problematic relationship, but it isn't because the older person is being abusively manipulative; the younger person is exercising more power.
You may not like the idea of an 18-year-old dating a 25-year-old or a 30-year-old or a 40-year-old, but if someone that age can consent to undergo major elective surgery, join the military, operate heavy machinery, or be sentenced to life in prison or even to death for their actions, how can we say that can't consent to love another adult the way they want?
No, in most cases, someone who is 18-25 years in age is not going to be "on the same level" as someone who is, say, 35-55 years old, and that can be OK. It can even be a good thing. We see this with things like having a professional mentor, or friend who is more experienced in a hobby or other interest you share, or when a new, young parent benefits from having neighbors who've just finished raising their kids.
The idea that the people in a dating/romantic/sexual relationship should be the same age, the same class, the same race, etc. is a throwback to thinking of relationships as all about marriage and marriage being solely about babymaking and a business deal to perpetuate a specific group. Tied into that is the sexist notion that women are somehow of lesser worth if they're unmarried or widowed and have "lost" their virginity, if they're not getting pregnant by a husband and birthing healthy babies; that they're of diminishing worth for each year past the age of 25 or the more partners they've had. In such a view, someone who is older is "using up" the young woman, as though she's a loaf of bread. And since it is about making babies for a man and definitely not about a woman enjoying someone's company (sexual or otherwise), an older woman should certainly not be scandalous by having a younger lover.
Thankfully, that way of thinking is literally dying out.
You can find relationship experts, therapists, and other mental health professionals and sociologists who will say that relationships with age gaps are automatically problematic. But there are also others who say not only that they aren't automatically problematic, but also that they can be good things. There are many mentally and emotionally healthy people in healthy, functional, mutually beneficial relationships that have age gaps.
If someone makes the claim that we should discourage all age gap relationships, they should be asked 1) for their credentials; 2) if they have personally conducted an evaluation of the individuals involved and the dynamics of each such relationship. Of course they haven't.
Of course these relationships should not be criminalized, but they should also not be otherwise discouraged as automatically problematic or abusive. Do not cite examples of abusive relationships as to why no age gap relationship can be acceptable.
Let people have the relationships to which they mutually agree.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Coming Out Consanguinamorous
Introduction
"Coming out" means declaring or no longer hiding that you're consanguinamorous in orientation or in a consanguinamorous relationship. Whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is something that can weigh on the mind of a consanguinamorous person.
Getting to decide whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is a privilege that is sometimes denied people who are outed against their will or by accident. Consanguinamorous people should seriously consider how to protect themselves.
Please note this entry is about coming out in general, such as to family, friends, etc., not about coming out to a romantic/sexual/spousal partner. That has many different considerations and warrants its own entry.
Stay in the Closet If/Until...
Stay in the closet if the risks or negative consequences of coming out where you live/work will outweigh the positives or benefits. Stay in the closet until that changes. In determining this, you should also consider the needs and feelings of your current or past consanguinamorous partner(s) who would likely be outed along with you. For example, a 25-year-old woman may feel like she'll be OK if she comes out, but what about her 50-year-old father, who is her partner? He is far more likely to be seen as an predator, even if the relationship was entirely consensual and initiated by the woman, who wasn't raised by him but rather a loving adoptive father and mother?
Having to hide who you are or your loving relationships can be a psychological burden and can unduly restrict your life. Under current legal and cultural conditions in most places though, it is generally safer for you and your lover(s) if you stay in the closet.
In some places, being out can mean being tortured and murdered. In other places, that's not likely, but you can be criminally prosecuted, fined, and thrown into prison for decades. Even in most places where consanguinamory isn't criminalized, you can still be persecuted, harassed, bullied, and discriminated against (refused housing, denied employment, denied the right to marry, etc.), estranged/shunned/disowned from/by family members, and lose friendships. Yes, it is a travesty that these things happen to people simply because they love each other, but that's a sad fact of life we are working to change.
Some people will wait to come out until one or more of the following is true:
- they are living where consanguinamory isn't criminalized
- consanguinamorous people are protected against discrimination
- they are financially secure, likely for the rest of their life
- they are retired or self-employed with supportive clients/customers
- they are no longer in a consanguinamorous relationship, especially if they are unlikely to get into another one or resume a past relationship
- their parent(s) or other family members likely to object have passed
- the benefits of coming out outweigh the drawbacks (this can be relative to the person and situation, such as the emotional burden of remaining closeted being too much to endure)
Why It Can Be Good To Come Out
It can be good to come out for both personal and societal reasons.
Personally, coming out can lift psychological and emotional burdens. Being open and honest with medical professionals, therapists, counselors, attorneys, financial planners, and other professionals benefits people, as does being able to he open and honest with family, friends, and social contacts. Otherwise, simply going through life can have unnecessary challenges.
For society, visibility helps. Coming out shows other consanguinamorous people that they're not alone. It can also open the minds of others and encourage people to become allies. It's easier to perpetuate prejudices if people think only "bad" people they don't know do these things. Having large numbers of people come out will allow medical professionals, sociologists, and others study the dynamics of consanguinamory. This can be beneficial for relationships in general.
Your life situation and your local culture and laws may be such that coming out is the right decision for you, especially when you consider how coming out can help you and others by helping to raise awareness, start dialogues, open minds, and change laws.
If and When You Decide to Come Out
If Possible, Don't Out Others Without Their Consent. You may be ready to come out, but will your coming out also out someone else who isn't ready to come out? Discuss things with them to either get their consent or figure out what else can be done. Nobody should be outed against their will unless they are in a position of power and hypocritically persecuting others for who they love.
A Process, Not An Event. For most people, coming out will be an ongoing process, not a single event. It may make sense to come out to one or two people first, people you trust to be supportive and helpful, especially if they can help you come out to others. A common example is first coming out to a sibling or grandparent who can help you come out to your parents. Even if you come out to your family, friends, neighbors, etc, coming out can still be an ongoing process because people will come into your life that make assumptions about relationships and sexuality.
Another way that coming out can be a process is that if there is another factor to your identity or sexuality that is marginalized. For example, if you're polyamorous, it might be better to come out as polyamorous first, depending if people around you are more likely to accept polyamory than consnaguinamory. If you don't fit the cisgender/hetero-monogamist/vanilla mold, or whatever is seen as "traditional" and "normal" where you are in multiple aspects, you might have multiple steps to coming out.
Get Prepared. There's a good chance that you'll have to defend not only yourself, but consanguinamory in general. Be prepared to deal with the question of why. If you're in a reunion GSA situation, that might need some extra explanation. In addition to this blog, there's the Consaguinamory Wiki, Jane's blog, and Cristina's blog to help you prepare or for you to show someone who has questions.
Brace Yourself. Be prepared for hate, accusation of you being "sick," confusion, bad arguments against you, questions, and people needing time to process what you've told them. You might not get acceptance, support, or congratulations, immediately or ever, whatever your relationship has been like with these people before you came out. Some of them may already know or have strongly suspected, but they may have been more comfortable with things left unsaid. For others, consanguinamory is furthest from their mind and so they may be completely surprised. Some people may even be completely indifferent.
Jealousy or envy might come into play. This can happen in many ways. For example, if you're with your sibling, another sibling or a cousin might wonder why you're not with them. Or a third sibling might resent how close you two are, even if that third sibling has no sexual interest in either of you.
There is the possibility that someone close you, especially a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle, will have had their own experiences with consanguinamory or consanguinamorous feelings, but caved into pressure and it ended. They may be especially resistant to accepting your ongoing status because it is something they think they should have had, but didn't. They may feel, at least for a while, that you should do what they felt they had to do; sublimate your feelings, end your relationship, and pick an "acceptable" life.
Test the Waters. Testing the waters may give you some indication of how someone would react to you coming out, while still allowing you to avoid actually coming out. The easiest way to test the waters is to bring up the topic of marginalized, taboo, or forbidden sexualities and relationships in general (or, if you're feeling bold, you can be specific in bringing up consanguinamory). If you don't find opportunities to do this in the normal course of conversation with these people, then you can do it by bringing up the subject by referencing fiction (books, television shows, movies, theatre, music), a news item, or (proposed) legislation, even if you have to make it up. If you're lucky, they might say something like "What consenting adults do with each other is nobody else's business," to which you can ask. "Are there any exceptions?" Or you can bring up that principle, saying "I think adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults. I can't think of any exceptions to that. Can you?"
If they have a bad reaction to the idea of consanguinamory, you know it is a no-go with them, unless they have a very strong admiration for you, so much so that your coming out to them would change their opinion on consanguinamory. (If you're so confident about that, you don't need to bother the test the waters.) But if is an accepting or supportive reaction from them, you MIGHT be safe. That's not for certain, because sometimes people treat personal matters different than abstract concepts. Think of the man who says he's not racist and is fine with interracial marriage, but gets upset when his daughter brings home a man of a different race. On the other hand, some who've feared that someone would be uptight or close-minded have been pleasantly surprised at their acceptance, whether quick or gradual.
How To Come Out
Make a Plan. There will probably never be a "perfect" time and place, but consider picking a time, place, and methods based on the person(s) to whom you want to come out. Will your lover(s) be with you? Think through what you choose. Can you visualize doing it? Can you run through the scenario in your mind? You can always change your mind right up until the moment it has been done, so adjust your plans as you think best.
What Before Who. If you're in, or pursuing a relationship, to be safe, it might be good to tell the person you're coming out to what is going on before you tell them who is involved, in case you misjudged their tolerance. With some people, the best tactic can be to start by telling them you're in love or that you've found someone special who makes you happy. That tends to elicit encouragement and happiness. From there, tell them that some people might not like it and go on to say it is because of who this person already was to you. If the person you're tellings react negatively, even if they accurately guess your involvement(s), you don't need to (and probably shouldn't) let them know they're right. Of course, if you're simply coming out as consanguinamorous in your orientation and not in a consanguinamorous relationship, this is not an issue.
In the Flesh or Remote? There are many ways to come out, some better than others. In general, it is better to do it in private, calm circumstances. Unless someone is violent and likely to have an outburst or tantrum, in-person is generally better than via electronic face time, a video or audio recording, a picture, or a written message. (In-person, if not being recorded, also tends to leave less evidence that can be used for criminal prosecution, if that is a concern.) However, if you want to come out to many people at the same time, there may be no other option than to do it through some form of electronic communication.
Use the Past. If you're coming out to a family member, do you know of any of your common ancestors who were consanguinamorous? How about living relatives? Or was someone else in the family out as some other marginalized sexuality? Leading off with that might be the best way to ease into what you reveal about yourself.Not a Victim. If someone may be mistaken as a victim because of their age or gender or some other reason, it might be best for them to break the news. For example, if you're a young woman who is with her father, and you two want to come out to your grandmother, it might be best if you are clearly directing the conversation. It might even be best to do it away from your father. This might help ease concerns on the part of your grandmother that you were somehow manipulated or coerced. If possible, start off by getting agreement from the person you're coming out to that you're an adult who can make her own decisions about her body, sexuality, and relationships. It can also help to explain that intergenerational relationships can work and they're not inherently abusive whether the older person is the mother, father, aunt, uncle, or whatever. If you're siblings, this might help your family.
Request Their Cooperation. Unless you don't care who knows, implore the person to respect you by keeping the news to themselves in so far as you need. Point out that, depending on where you live, prejudice can be result in threats to your life, your freedom, your employment, etc. Let them know how they can be an ally to you and how they can help you and others.
You May Not Have to Actively Come Out
Depending on your situation, you might not have to actively come out. Rather, you simply stop holding the closet door closed. For example, if you're with your sibling and others know you spend a lot of time together, if they ask if they can set you up or when you're going to "settle down" and find someone, if you're not interested in taking on other relationships, you can say something like, "I'm happy with my life the way it is." Or if someone says you're spending too much time with your sibling or you are "too close," you can say something like, "This makes us happy. We like being together." Neither of those statements is an outright statement that you're consanguinamorous, but it leaves it open for interpretation.
Sometimes, you're better off, at least for the moment, under a "don't ask, don't" tell approach. There's an elephant in the room, but as long as it isn't discussed, there'll be peace.
Wearing or displaying the Friends of Lily symbol can be a silent way of making a statement.
Remember
Have you come out? Tell us how it went. Are you planning to come out? Let us know. You can comment below (including anonymously) or send email to fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.
Monday, November 27, 2017
Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest?
This answer is addressing consensual incest, in which I include, in addition to adults, minors who four years or less apart in age when force or coercion are not used. This is what I call “consanguinamory” or consanguineous sex. This answer is not about child molestation, sexual assault, or rape.
The question is asked various ways:
How common is consensual incest?
How common in consanguinamory?
How common is sibling sex?
How common is family sex?
I will also address:
How common are dreams of incest?
How common are incest fantasies?
How common are thoughts of incest?
I’ve already made it clear I’m talking about consensual sex. But there’s another part of the definition of incest that needs to be determined: what relations are considered incestuous ones?
If we include first cousins, then incest is very common, and always has been. It some cultures, marriages between first cousins are still very common. About half of US states will marry first cousins.
Including step-relations (stepsiblings, for example) or adopted relations, as some anti-incest laws do, then again, incest is very common.
But even if we only include half or full-blooded siblings, parents and their adult children, grandparents and their adult grandchildren, and aunt/uncles and nieces/nephews, incest is common enough that everyone knows someone who has been involved in incest, especially if we include people experiencing reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction (the meaning of which includes the fact that they were not raised with or by each other).
As I said in the short answer, nobody knows for sure. Ridiculous laws against consensual incest along with other forms of discrimination, prejudice, ignorance, bullying, and ridicule don’t exactly foster an atmosphere of open and honest discussion or reliable research. If we rely on such things as…
personal responses to surveys…which are likely to have underreporting even if anonymous
DNA tests…which are not performed on everyone, nor always checked for indications of consanguinity (but sometimes are)
criminal cases…which only involve a very small minority of relationships
family records and oral history…which are likely to hide incestuous ancestry even if it was known, which it often wasn’t
…we’re still not going to know about everything. Still, what we have seen indicates that a sizable minority of the population has participated in consanguinamory, and many more have thought about or fantasized about it. About 10% of people in their early 20s will confide in surveys to already having had consensual sexual contact with a sibling. If you have entertained thoughts about having a threesome with twins or other siblings, or with a parent and their adult child, you have thought about incest. Internet searches and traffic, online discussion and chat areas, and erotica (see Literotica.com and the "Taboo" movie series) or adult media publication and usage indicate a high level of interest. Histories, biographies, mythologies, and fiction of all kinds, in movies and books and more, from years past through today also contain tales of consensual incest.
Youthful crushes, infatuations, fantasies, and exploration may just be a passing phase, or may develop into a lifelong spousal-style relationship, or fall anywhere between those two ends of the spectrum. While many children play doctor or games that lead to some experimentation, some people don’t have their first brush with consanguinamory until well into their adult years; even as elderly widows and widowers.
As far as incestuous dreams, it should be noted that sex or sexual attraction in dreams is sometimes representative of feeling close to someone or wanting to be closer or show love in some way. It isn’t always an indication of an actual sexual attraction, but sometimes it is.
Studies indicate that most people are attracted to people who look like themselves, which obviously includes close biological relatives more than anyone else. However, when any two people are raised together in the same family or group home, or one raises the other in such close quarters, related or not, something called the Westermarck Effect may suppress attraction to each other. This effect isn’t present in everyone, or isn’t present strongly enough to suppress attraction or curiosity in everyone. Also, close biological relatives who were not raised together (or one wasn’t raised by the other) wouldn’t experience this effect. On the contrary, the extremely powerful effect of Genetic Sexual Attraction is present in up to half of all reunions/introductions of post-pubescent close biological relatives (after adjusting for sexual orientation). With divorces, break-ups, one-night stands or other relationships in which parents their children or siblings may be separated, adoption, and egg, sperm, and embryo donations, this is becoming an increasing phenomenon in our highly mobile world.
Many people who have experienced Genetic Sexual Attraction, even those who are in lasting, happy consanguinamorous relationships together would have expressed disapproval or discomfort at the idea of consanguinamory before they experienced GSA. But just because one person is disgusted or insists they would never do such a thing doesn’t make it wrong for someone else, nor does it change the fact that does happen. As for consanguinamory between family members raised together or raised by each other, the convenience of proximity and privacy, and the existing foundations of trust and love may foster curious, fleeting exploration or deep and abiding passion.
None of this is to say that any one person should pursue a consanguinamorous relationship with another. Not everyone is right for everyone else at any given time in life. I have my own advice about making a decision about a possible relationship.
If someone in your family or one of your friends is in a consanguinamorous relationship and you are concerned, please read this.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #6
“Your relationship will hurt children.” This is usually said by people who themselves hurt children by denying rights to the parents of those children and telling the children that their parents are wrong for loving each other, perpetuating a stigma about the children and their families.
Don’t want children of these relationships to be hurt? Then stop hurting their families.
Adults having a relationship with each other, adults reproducing together, and adults raising children together are three different things. Adults can do any one of those without doing the other two, or any two of those without doing the third. Or, to put it another way, we’re talking about sex, relationships, and marriage, not about reproduction or adoption or parenting. Most sex does not result in a birth.
We don’t deny people their right to be together because they can’t or won’t reproduce. We don’t deny people their right to be together because they won’t be good candidates for adoption. We don’t test people on their parenting skills before we allow them to marry, but if we did, a lot of the prejudiced people who want to deny rights to others would fail, while many people who are still fighting for their relationship rights would pass with flying colors.
So this reason to oppose equality already fails. But for the sake of argument let’s assume there will be children.
A polyamorous relationship generally means a child is going to have more supervision and additional role models in a cooperative environment. How is that supposed to be inferior to having bickering parents and stepparents from supposedly monogamous marriage? It is legal to reproduce and raise children alone, or with others in the home who aren't monogamous spouses. A woman can live with both fathers of her children, but can't legally marry both even though that is what everyone wants? Why deny polyamorous people protections, including marriage?
Anti-equality people claim a study shows children from polygynous families have "considerably lower" survival rates, but the data is from nineteenth century frontier areas and places in Africa where diseases and genocide are significant problems. The study doesn’t address polyandry, same-gender polygamy, polygamy consisting or multiple men and women, and other forms of polyamory. The other claim is that adolescent boys are driven from polygynous (again, just polygynous and not any other form of polyamory) societies, but there are many adolescent boys driven from their heterosexual monogamous homes because they are gay, or boys who run away for the sake of personal freedom, rather than deal with familial or peer pressure to adhere to certain rules and expectations. Or they can’t stand their “monogamous” parent’s new girlfriend or boyfriend.
In a consanguinamorous relationship, adopted or step-parented children are not going to suffer in comparison to nonconsanguineous relationships.
Many people wrongly say that any children born to consanguineous parents will have birth defects, and that this is a good reason to ban such relationships. However, most births to consanguineous parents do not produce children with significant birth defects or other genetic problems; while births to other parents do sometimes have birth defects. We don’t prevent other people from marrying or deny them their reproductive rights based on increased odds of passing along a genetic problem or inherited disease. It is entirely legal for people with obvious or hidden serious genetic diseases to date, have sex, marry, and have children. Why should healthy consanguineous lovers be denied their rights? Unless someone is willing to deny reproductive rights and medical privacy to others and force everyone to take genetic tests and bar carriers and the congenitally disabled and women over 35 from marrying or having children, then equal protection principles prevent this from being a justification to bar this freedom of association and freedom to marry, let alone reproductive rights.
Anyone concerned about these things should have genetic testing and counseling. People who are not close relatives can pass along health problems, too. But there are people born with problems who have made great contributions to the world, and genetically healthy people born to close relatives are common enough that we all know some, whether we know their true genetic parentage or not, and whether they know it or not. It is that common. I personally know children from such relationships who are healthy and bright; adorable children and attractive adults.
Where does this knowing what is best for the children of other people stop? Should single parents lose custody? Should we compel pregnant women to get a specific kind of prenatal care? Are we going to genetically screen and then sterilize people with genetic problems? There are children being raised right now by people who want to get married, and yet are denied their right to marry.
There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.
Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj
Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #5
Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #7
Saturday, November 25, 2017
What Genealogists Know
On average, there are about four generations per century. For people born in the year 2000, their 8 great-great-grandparents were probably born around 1900. Sometime around 1800 their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents were born (there may be up to 128 of them). About 29 generations back, or roughly around the time of 1250-1300, the total number of your possible ancestors for that generation equals or exceeds the total population of the planet, which was about 500 million people.
What gives? Well, first of all, if all 500 million of those people were your ancestors, they would also be the ancestors of all of the rest of us, too.
Secondly, you probably don’t have every person alive back then as your ancestor. There wasn’t a lot of interracial or intercultural parenting going on back then. People were more isolated, more people lived in rural countrysides rather than dense urban areas, and people were not nearly as geographically or socially mobile as they are today. It was very common for a person to be born in and to die in the the same village or town, having lived all of her or his life there.
This means that for many, many, many, many generations, there was a lot of what most people would call today “inbreeding.” If your spouse wasn’t your first cousin, your spouse was likely a second or third cousin, or a second cousin-once removed, or even your double-cousin, etc. And as I’ve noted before, even if they weren’t marrying them, people were having children with siblings, aunts or uncles, etc. (Even if not having children together, what do you think went on, given that pubescent teens, like most children, were usually sharing a bedroom?) Not only did these things not destroy humanity, but in Europe, the Renaissance was birthed in these conditions.
Coming back to around 1800, very few people are likely to have 128 great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents, just like very few of those people in 1800 had 128 of them in 1600. Because chances are, some of your recent ancestors were cousins, if not closer. If you marry your first cousin, you have no more than six genetic grandparents between you, instead of eight. If your parents are first cousins, you have six great-grandparents instead of eight.
If “inbreeding” was as detrimental as common misconception says, none of us would be here.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory
I’ve noticed some common myths expressed about sibling consanguinamory. In this instance, by consanguinamory, I mean everything from curious exploration and experimenting to erotic romance, including masturbating in front of each other, erotic kissing, sexual touching or rubbing, oral sex, intercourse, etc.This entry is NOT addressing molestation, assault, or abuse.
I’m referring to adult siblings, or minor siblings who are close in age, engaging in mutual affection or experimentation, without coercion, force, or intimidation. It may be two siblings alone, it may be three or more siblings, or it may be two or more siblings involved together with one or more people outside of the immediate family.
These myths need to be addressed, because they perpetuate inequality, discrimination, hardship, confusion, stigmas, ignorance, and fear.
Myth #1 “It doesn’t happen” or “It happens very rarely” or “I don’t know anyone who has done this.” Just because one person hasn’t been involved or doesn’t remember being involved with sibling doesn’t mean it isn’t happening with others. It is, and it always has. Ongoing sexual relationships between siblings are common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been in, such a relationship, and far more siblings than that have had an encounter or experimented, explored, or played doctor. Reality: We all know people who've been involved, whether we know it or not.
Myth #2 “Siblings don’t have sex, rather it is always that one sibling abuses another” or ”It only happens between siblings who have been abused or neglected” or “It always means they need therapy.” At the heart of this is myth is that, because of the dynamics between siblings, one sibling can’t consent to have sex with another. This ignores siblings who weren’t raised together, but even with siblings who were raised together, the claim that one can’t consent to sex with another is an unsupported assertion based on personal aversion, a personal history of abuse, ignorance, or even the absurd notion that females don’t want or enjoy sex. If an 18-year-old woman can legally consent to group sex with three male cage fighters who are strangers to her, or consent to be the mistress of a billionaire with a spouse and children, the President of the United States, or a someone who rented a room in her childhood home and was present for her entire childhood, how can we be consistent in saying that she can't consent to sex with her twin brother or sister? When it comes to minors, most family therapists don’t consider it abuse if minors close in age experiment or have sex; it is considered mutual experimentation (think teenagers who are four or fewer years apart). Abuse and sex are two different things. Sex does happen in some families. Unfortunately, so does abuse. But they aren’t the same thing. Reality: Some siblings do willingly share this at some point in their lives, and may not need therapy at all.
Myth #3. “It only happens as youthful experimentation. Adults don't do this.” While such contact is more common among siblings living together in their youth, it may continue throughout their lives or be initiated during adulthood: everything from while they’re at college to during their senior years. It can happen when siblings are introduced or reunited (Genetic Sexual Attraction,) during a time of personal discovery or experimentation, while one siblings cares for another through an illness or after an accident, during times of grieving, after a breakup or divorce or death of a spouse/lover… anytime, really. Reality: Some siblings share this throughout their lives, some starting late in life.
Myth #4 “It is unnatural.” This myth is not supported either in human history or in other species. While it is very common for people who spent their childhoods in the same residence together, whether genetically related or not, to develop a suppression of sexual attraction to each other (this has been described as the Westermarck Effect), this does not happen to everyone, and siblings who aren’t raised together are often attracted to each other; studies reveal most people are attracted to people who look like them. Reality: In many cases, nothing is more natural.
Myth #5. “It is wrong” or “It is destructive” or “It needs to be stopped” or “They won’t be able to go on to have normal lives.” Different people are going to have different moral guidelines about sex, but sibling consanguinamory is not considered wrong by everyone or all cultures. In many cases, it is advantageous compared to having the siblings involved with others. Nor is there anything inherently destructive about it, but rather some find it constructive. The only way to stop it is to have constant, direct supervision of the siblings 24/7/365. This, however, is needless. For most, the involvement is for a season and it will pass. For others, it will last a lifetime. Either way, there’s no good reason to try to stop it. The only hindrance to having a “normal life” for siblings who continue together is the bigotry of others. Reality: For some, it is the best of all possibilities, it is wonderful and constructive, and they lead perfectly normal, even unusually good lives.
Myth #6 “Only loners, losers, freaks, or ugly people do this” or “It only happens in rural, southern (in the US), poor, uneducated families.”
Reality: Sibling consanguinamory happens in every demographic and in every part of the US and the world. There are attractive, outgoing, popular, successful, wealthy, educated people who have been, or are still involved with a sibling.
Myth #7 “If they have children, they will be deformed” or “It causes birth defects.” Incest, if it results in a birth, does not cause birth defects in and of itself. Most children born to close relatives are healthy. You know some, whether you know it or not and whether they know their own true parentage or not. Birth defects can be the result of injury during pregnancy, substances ingested during pregnancy, environmental factors, or genetic problems. It is the last one that people tend to be thinking of, usually, when they repeat this myth. That’s because when both genetic parents carry the same genetic problem, it may be demonstrated in the children. However, this can happen with parents who aren’t closely related, too. Reality: Most children born to siblings are healthy.
Myth #8 “It always ruins sibling relationships” or “A person needs a nonsexual relationship with their sibling.” Many siblings report that consaguinamory made them much closer, even if they have ceased that part of their relationship. As far as someone needing a nonsexual relationship with a sibling… that would mean that people who are only children (having no siblings) would suffer, when the studies say otherwise. Also, if someone has more than one sibling, that usually means they’ll still have a nonsexual relationship with the other. Reality: For many siblings, consanguinamory made their relationship much better, and they relate to other people better as a result.
Myth #9 “It is illegal everywhere.” No, it isn’t. But where it is, the laws should be changed. Some people say such laws are needed to prevent societal collapse due to everyone making mutant babies with their siblings. As already explained, most children born to siblings are healthy. Even so, sibling consanguinamory and reproduction are two different things. In most places where consanguinamory is legally banned, it is entirely legal for brothers and sisters to have genetic children together through artificial insemination. It is entirely legal for someone with Huntington’s Disease to have children, even though the odds are dramatically higher than with a random pair of siblings that the children will have a debilitating disease. We can also look at places where it is legal for brothers and sisters to have sex and children together, such as Spain, Portugal, Rhode Island, and New Jersey. Has there been a crisis as a result in any of those places? (Snooki excluded.) Furthermore, the person who says anti-consanguinamory laws are needed to prevent widespread inbreeding makes it sound like everyone wants to have babies with their sibling, and the only thing holding them back is the law (perhaps there is something they want to tell us?) MOST people will not have intercourse with or marry their siblings, and even many siblings who do will not have genetic children together. Another part of this myth is that laws against consanguinamory prevent abuse. Abuse is illegal regardless of consanguinamory laws, and criminalizing consensual sex actually makes it more difficult to get victims and witnesses to cooperate in the prosecuting of abusers. Reality: Sibling consanguinamory is legal in several US states and many developed countries, but where stupid laws still apply, those unjust laws must go.
Myth #10 “Siblings don’t need the freedom to marry.” This is often augmented with “because they are already family.” But siblings who are sharing their lives as spouses often do need the same rights, benefits, and protections as any other spouses, and there’s no good reason to deny them their fundamental right to marry. Also, marriage automatically provides for next-of-kin status, which is especially important when there is some discord between one or both siblings and other siblings or their parents or grown children. For example, if brothers Adam & Steve have been living as spouses for years and Steve winds up in a coma in the hospital, their estranged, bigoted parents would likely be able to usurp Adam’s rights to make decisions. Finally, in relationships initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction, they might not be considered family under the law, although in a loathsome double-standard, they may still be subject to discriminatory laws based on their genetic relation. Reality: An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.
In Conclusion
There are siblings who are together right now, providing each other love, comfort, support, or their first sexual experience in a safe and reassuring environment. The biggest problem with sibling consanguinamory seems to be the prejudice and sex-negative attitudes of others. In most cases, trying to force consanguinamorous siblings apart only makes things worse. It can be a mutually beneficial way of bonding, expressing their love for each other, learning, and discovering their sexuality; it may even be a beautiful, lifelong romance.
Let’s not let ignorance cause needless concern or repression.
For further reading:
Common Objections Answered
What Family and Friends Should Know
Case Studies of Consanguinamorous Relationships
How Common is Consensual Incest?
Why Is Incest Illegal Anywhere?
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Consensual Incest FAQ
If You Are Considering It
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