Wednesday, November 22, 2017

NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #5


“It's not natural." Many people have been embarrassed by making this argument, because it is so easy to refute by a cursory survey of sexual, mating, and partnering habits of various animals. But invariably, the person saying that a relationship should not be allowed because they think it is unnatural constantly enjoys things that aren’t natural, from their smart phones to their toiletries to their food to their clothing to their transportation to their housing… on and on it goes. “Hey! You can’t ride a bicycle! It’s not natural!” See how ridiculous that is?

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #4

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #6 

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Monday, November 20, 2017

It's Thanksgiving Week in the US

This national holiday always falls on the fourth Thursday of November.

Thanksgiving Day is a huge holiday in the US, centered mainly around a special family meal. In case you haven't noticed, Americans like to eat a lot. Since Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday, Friday is a holiday as well (at least as far as the government is concerned). Because Thanksgiving is considered to specifically be about family togetherness, it can be a painful time for those who have been rejected by their family because of their gender identity, sexual orientation, relationship orientation, or choice in partner(s). Some LGBTQ people, polyamorous people, and those in consanguineous, intergenerational, or interracial relationships are reminded every year that even their own family hates them.

Some people make the best of this and plan a Thanksgiving meal with friends. I throw out a special “good for you” to anyone who hosts such a meal this holiday. Keep up the good work. I think such gatherings are much more enjoyable anyway. If you don't have one to go to, consider hosting your own!

But I also have words for anyone who has driven away or banned someone in their family because of that other family member’s identity, orientation or partner(s): Shame on you. You don’t have to like your family member’s sexuality or how they live. But you should reach out to them and support them instead of driving them away. Every person at that table does things you don’t like. Why single out a family member for punishment because of who they love? If your family member has a partner whose family is more accepting, guess who is going to win? Guess who is going to get to play with any grandkids/nieces/nephews? Not you. Think about it. Maybe it isn't too late to make amends and have them over for this year's holiday. This might help.

If you can’t go “home” for Thanksgiving and you are feeling down and you haven’t managed to make plans with friends, consider hosting your own Thanksgiving and invite some friends. Or, volunteer at a homeless shelter or some other charity location that will be helping people that day. Don’t allow sadness or loneliness to take hold. You can find a place where you will be welcomed.

Do you have any special plans for this holiday week? Are you going to be coming out, or trying to start or rekindle something with someone special? You can comment anonymously below or write an email at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

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Sunday, November 19, 2017

Not Too Close For Comfort

A comment came in on our popular entry "Aunts and Nephews"...
I'm currently in an active sexual relationship with my nephew. We aren't blood or marriage related. His mom and I are best friends and I helped raise him. The last time I saw him he was 11, we reunited now that he's 18 approaching 19. I'm 34. The attraction was instant and mutual. I feel like I am betraying my friend however, the amount of enjoyment and satisfaction I get from this guy is worth the risk. I think she suspects we're intimate but there's no proof. Her boyfriend is quite jealous that I don't look in his direction and tried to out nephew and I... Good luck, we both deny until we die! I don't want to stop, and neither does he. Any thoughts?
It's time to write a long-overdue essay on "fauxcest" or "nearcest" of whatever else this can be called. So that's below. But first, let's answer the questions raised Anonymous.

1) You two are consenting adults. You should be free to have this relationship. There's nothing wrong with having this relationship.

2) "I feel like I am betraying my friend..." This is not a rational reaction. It is a feeling that is based in prejudices and faulty reasoning. Your "nephew" would certainly be sexually active with someone, whether his mother is comfortable with that thought or not. Why is it is a bad thing that is with someone who already knows and cares about him? Sex isn't a bad thing, unless you are doing it wrong.

Someone might say to you "He's young enough to be your son" or to him "She's old enough to be your mother." But so what? Someone might go a step further and say he must be harboring a secret desire for his mother and you for your son (if you have one). That may or may not be true, but even if true, neither of you would find any scolding from us. It is very common for people to find someone who is like one of their parents or siblings, for example.

There's a chance your relationship will be outed (some of this advice might be helpful). And, it is likely that if that happens, your friend will be very upset with you. She might try to attribute her anger to the secrecy, but that would most likely just be an excuse. Neither of you is under any obligation to tell her the details of your sex life. If she finds out and is angry, give her time to cool off. You can tell her you understand her feelings without denying your entitlement to your love life. Many parents get upset at the thought of their child (even though their child is an adult) having sex. Some people get upset that someone they know is having sex  with someone to whom they're related. Neither reaction is based on logic, but rather things like aversion to change, feeling old, and even envy.

After she cools  off, she might realize that it can be a better thing that her son is with someone who has already known and cared for him. Some of this applies.


Enjoy what you have. There's no reason you shouldn't. Goodness knows there are many people out there who are miserable in a relationship or lonely. Why deprive anyone, especially yourself, of happiness?

The prejudice against consanguinamory, which literally involves blood relation, has, unfortunately, extended to relationships that do not involve blood (genetic) relatives; sometimes it is even enshrined in ridiculous criminal laws. These relationships are often called "incestuous" anyways. That could be because the Westermarck Effect has been observed in people who were raised together or by one another who are not actually close genetic relatives. However, whether Westermarck is "nature" or "nurture" or a mix, it is clear that some people don't experience it; some people experience the exact opposite.

"Nearcest" or "fauxcest" or "pseudoincestuous" relationships are very common.

If not with a sibling, cousin, or close-in-age aunt or uncle, kids who "play doctor" are most likely going to do so with neighbor or friend they're around frequently. Teens often experiment and explore with the best friend of a sibling, or a best friend's sibling. If a parent gets into a new relationship, whether or leads to marriage or not, a teen may find themselves living with or frequently around a (potential) stepsibling who is close in age. Their parents are attracted to each other. They are their parents' children. They were not raised together so the Westermarck Effect never came into play. So experimentation and all-out romance can ensue.

This happens in adulthood, too. People have been brought together by their parents marrying.

Especially for someone living at home, a parent's new lover or spouse themselves can be a love or lust interest. This can be even more likely if the (potential) stepparent is significantly younger than the parent. It's safe to say that, regardless of gender, there are many stepparents out there who are "going there" with their adult stepchildren. Sometimes it is a cheating situation, sometimes not. Although it is a different matter, it can also be expected that someone going through puberty whose parent brings around a new lover whose gender is one to which the minor is attracted, may experience attraction to their parent's new lover.


In some places, there are laws against adults being with their legal stepparent.

The comment above was from an "honorary" or "functional" aunt, not someone who is an aunt legally. But the (potential, current, or ex) spouse of blood aunts and uncles would also fall under this category, as the label of "incestuous" would be applied by many even though there is no blood relation.

Adoptive relations are also legally but not biologically related, and may be considered by some (including in some laws) as incestuous if they get together.

Although we are not aware of any laws against it, some might extend the label to in-laws. For example,  John is married to Mary and something happens between John and Mary's mother (his mother-in-law) or Mary's sister (his sister-in-law).


It also happens sometimes that someone has two half-siblings who are not related to each other who get together. For example, Jane's parents, John and Mary, divorce. John remarries and he and his new wife have a son, Peter. Mary remarries and she and her new husband have a son, Paul. Paul and Peter would not be blood relatives or even legal relatives, though both would be Jane's half-brothers. If Paul and Peter get together, some might consider it incestuous.

Then there are less formal situations, such as relationships with longtime neighbors and family friends; or when a parent is dating someone their adult child's age, or when someone is dating someone their parent's age, especially when those people are friends of their adult child or friends of their parents. I recall a movie in which two women who were good friends get with the adult sons of each other. Such situations may (especially if double dating is involved) or may not involve latent consanguinamorous desires or lesbian desires on the part of the friends. Latent consanguinamorous desires can also be at play when siblings double date, such as when two brothers double date with their boyfriends or girlfriends.

Whatever the case, when they are consenting adults who aren't cheating, there's nothing wrong with people being together however they mutually agree. There should be no laws against it, and people should be free to marry if they'd like. The biological risks, which are way overblown, aren't there but many of the same benefits as consanguinamorous relationships are present, such as an existing familiarity, bond, and trust.

Some people like to say that family only exists through marriage, birth, and adoption, yet some of these same people would say these lovers are "too much like family" and shouldn't get together. It is a ridiculous double standard.

It's very simple. Let consenting adults have their relationships. Don't throw them in prison, don't bully them, don't discriminate against them.

If you're in a relationship that's anything like what we described above, please contact us and/or comment below.

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Saturday, November 18, 2017

Black Forest Cake



My husband's birthday was in the recent past. I try to make birthdays special by making a cake from scratch for each of my family member. Even though we are not much of sweet eaters, my husband would be appreciative of a nicely made cake. I decided to make a Black Forest Cake as it is moist and delicious! Most importantly it is easy to make. This also happens to be one of the first cakes that I attempted 4-5 years ago when I first started baking. I must admit that it has been a learning curve and that I have learnt much since then about baking cakes.



So I made a 4-layer Black Forest cake with fresh cherries in between the layers and whipped cream frosting. I used the maraschino cherries in syrup for the garnish on top. I had only two 6 inch pans so I baked in them and sliced each cake into 2 layers. This batter would easily fill three 6 inch pans. If you do that you don't have to cut the cake into layers.  This batter would also be enough for two 8-inch pans, in which case you will have to slice the cake into 2 and then layer. I wanted something small and tall so I went with 6 inch pan. 



Without sounding boastful, I must admit that my family loved the cake! My kids called it the "best cake ever!" My husband ate 2 pieces and even the neighbor's kids who are picky enjoyed it! I am convinced that the cake was good! 



So without further ado, here is the recipe. The recipe has been adapted from this recipe here. 


Servings: 8-10 


Prep time: 45-60 mins Cook time: 30- 40 mins Total time: 75-100 mins 


Ingredients: 


For the cake: 

Flour: 2 cups 
Cocoa powder: 3/4 cup 
Instant coffee: 1 & 1/2 tbsp
Powdered sugar: 1 & 1/2 cups 
Baking soda: 1 & 1/2 tsp
Baking powder: 1 tsp
Salt: 1/4 tsp
Cooking oil: 1 cup
Vanilla essence: 1 tsp 
Milk: 1 cup
Hot water: 1 cup
Eggs: 2 large 

For the frosting: 

Whipping cream: 2 cups
Confectioners sugar: 2 cups 
Vanilla essence: 1 tsp 

For layering and garnishing:

Cherries: 1 cup
Sugar syrup: 1/2-1 cup 
Chocolate curls: 1/4 cup 

Method: 


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. 

Place the bowl and beaters for the cream in the freezer to chill. 

Grease and line three 6 inch or two 8 inch trays with parchment paper and keep ready.

Dissolve the instant coffee in the hot water and keep ready.

Seive all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Mix well. 

In another bowl, beat the eggs well. To this add oil, vanilla essence, milk and mix. 


Now slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients.  Add in the instant coffee and mix.Do not overmix.


Pour the mixture into the prepared pans until 3/4 th full. 


Tap the pans against the kitchen counter before placing it on the middle rack in the oven. Bake at 350 degF. for 30-40 mins or until a toothpick when inserted comes out clean. 



Take the pans out and let them cool on the kitchen counter for atleast 30 mins.

While the cakes are cooling, prepare the whipped cream. 

To make the whipping cream, take the chilled bowl and beaters out. To this add the whipping cream. Whip on medium until soft peaks emerge, around 3-4 minutes. 
Now add in the vanilla essence and the confectioners sugar little at a time. Whip for another 2-3 minutes.


Keep the cream back in the fridge until ready to frost the cake.

Assembling the cake:

Once the cakes are cooled, level each of the cakes. 


If you are using 2 pans, you will have to slice each cake into 2 layers. Keep the layers aside. 

Sprinkle sugar syrup on all the layers. This keeps the cake moist.

Take a cake circle ( the cardboard on which you intend to assemble the cake). Place some frosting on the middle of the cake circle. Place the first layer of cake. Place a large dollop of whipped cream on top of it. Using an angled spatula, spread the cream evenly. Now evenly distribute pieces of cherry on top of the cream. 



Place the next layer of cake and repeat the above process. Do this to all available layers until you have placed the last layer on top. 


Once the last layer is placed, frost the cake evenly in all directions. 


You can pipe peaks of whipped cream on top and make borders at the bottom. I used Wilton tip no: . Place cherries on top of the peaks.



Decorate the middle with chocolate shavings. If you wish you can decorate the sides of the cake with chocolate shavings too!! 



Refrigerate the cake until ready to eat. 



Enjoy!!


Cooking made easy: 


While baking it is good practice to make sure all the ingredients are at room temperature unless the recipes calls for a specific temperature. This includes the eggs too. 

Tip for healthy living: 


It is better to use as much natural ingredients as possible while cooking. This makes the food much healthier and nutritious. 

Food for thought: 


Silent gratitude isn't much to anyone. Gertrude Stein 


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Veestro: Organic, plant-based meals , a Review







Ready to cook meal services are nothing new to me. There are several vendors out there who send 1-2 meal recipes with the exact ingredients prepackaged, to your doorstep. I have tried meals  from Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. It is definitely convenient as you don't have to go grocery shopping, you know what you are going to cook on a given day as you place your order atleast a week ahead of time. The ingredients are purported to be fresh and from the best sources and they are literally delivered to your doorstep. The flip side is that this service does tend to be a bit pricey and you still have to make time to cook the meals. I also feel bad that there is so much packaging that is required. 


When Veestro reached out to bloggers via Meatless Monday, to try their plant-based vegetarian food service, I was intrigued to say the least. I cook and eat vegetarian meals most of the time. I do not eat meat. I truly believe  that eating vegetarian food is a healthier way to live. Those who are used to eating meat in all their meals often find it hard to go vegetarian. I usually recommend beginning by switching to one vegetarian meal a day and then going to one vegetarian day a week. Meatless Mondays is a great way to do this. I was very happy when I was one of the bloggers selected to try their meals. 

A week later a big box was delivered to my doorstep with contents packed in a nice freezer pack. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that the meals were already cooked. All I had to do was heat them up as per package instruction and serve it. My expectation was to see ingredients, not prepared meals!! 


In the package that I was sent I had 4 meals and one drink. They were as follows: 

Tuscan Calzone
Veggie Lasagna 
Southwest BBQ chick'n
Golden Chickpea Stew
Hand Grenade



Tuscan Calzone




The Tuscan Calzone was a decent sized one. All I had to do was stick it in the oven for 18-20 mins and Voila!! It was nice and crusty with filling of vegan cheese, tofu and squash. 



Veggie Lasagna 





The veggie lasagna was made from Rice noodles, vegan cheese and  zucchini. It was truly delicious! I don't think that I could have made that at home!! My husband and I enjoyed it.




Southwest BBQ chick'n






The Southwest BBQ Chick'n meal came with a slice  of vegan chick'n breast , a side of fries and a side of sautéed vegetables ( squash and corn). It is a great vegan alternative to the regular BBQ chicken. 

Golden Chickpea Stew



The golden Chickpea Stew was made from chickpeas, quinoa and vegetables such as squash, potatoes and tomatoes. It was more like a curry which was right down my alley. I eat all these ingredients regularly but not cooked together. I make quinoa salad, quinoa dosa and quinoa pilaf but never tried it in a stew! 




Hand Grenade




I simply loved the hand grenade!!! The taste was refreshing with no added sugar. It was made up of apples, celery, kale, broccoli, kiwi and maqui Berry. 



All portions were decent sized and filling. The cooking instructions were simple and easy to follow. The ingredients were clearly listed at the back with the nutrition information. There was no ingredient that I did not know or couldn't pronounce. The meals tasted fresh and  were delicious. 

Veestro would be the place to go for Vegans. Each item listed above costs roughly around $10.00. You get everything that they promised and the convenience makes it worth it especially if you are only now going vegetarian/vegan and are at a loss as to how to substitute for meat! This might give you some ideas for vegetarian/vegan cooking too!!

Happy eating!!




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NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #4


“My religion is against it.” If you don’t want an (adult) intergenerational, interracial, same-gender, polygamous, or consanguineous relationship or marriage, then don’t have one. But we should all have the freedoms of religion and association and in places like the US, we have separation of church and state, so this can’t be a justification for denying marriage equality or other relationships rights.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #3

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #5 


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Friday, November 17, 2017

"You're grounded for life!": Why 'grounding' doesn't usually work and the importance of making sure the 'time fits the crime'!

A few years ago I wrote a blog entry about a young man who approached me after my talk with his first words being "Mr Dillon, I made a big mistake ..." This young man had gone out with friends a few weeks before and had got terribly drunk. He had not intended to get that intoxicated and he claimed that he had never been in such a state before. He was eventually found and taken to the local police station. His mother was called and he was taken home. But it was what happened the next day that he wanted my help on ... I'm paraphrasing, but essentially this was what he said:

"I'm grounded until December! That's a really long time. I know I've done the wrong thing but 8 months without being allowed out with my friends is going to be really hard. I'm prepared to take my punishment but do you think there's anything I can do to change my mum's mind?"
As I said at the time, if you could have seen this young man's face it would have broken your heart! He so knew that he had done the wrong thing - I haven't gone into any great detail about what he did that night but it didn't sound good and the phone call from the police must have been terrifying for the mother - and he was certainly willing to be punished but he didn't believe the punishment fitted the crime.
One of my key messages is that the 'tough love' (or 'authoritative') style of parenting has been proven to be the most effective in reducing future risky drinking in their children, i.e., rules, consequences, bound in unconditional love. That's easy to say but can be so difficult to actually carry out ... trying to work out what your rules are going to be can take a lot of work, but then you've got to decide what consequences are appropriate if those rules are broken!
Unfortunately, grounding continues to be one of the most often-used consequences by parents even though evidence would suggest that it is one of the least effective. One of the main reasons it doesn't work particularly well is that grounding is usually blurted out 'on the run' - something happens, tempers flare and the response is created in anger and not well thought through. If you want consequences to work, they must be able to be enforced. Grounding your child for long (or even short) periods of time is just going to make your life tougher and, in my experience, most parents 'give in' pretty quickly and as a result, lose all their credibility as far as rules and boundaries are concerned. It's also important to acknowledge that when parents respond in this way (i.e., telling them they're grounded), they are usually focused on 'winning' the fight (i.e., making it clear to their child that they are the boss) rather than actually teaching their child to do the right thing. Although it can seem like a perfectly appropriate response at the time (particularly when you are angry or hurt), trying to show your child that you are in control and that you are the 'winner' sets up a power struggle that is not healthy.
Every parent has to make their own decisions around how they choose to discipline their children. Working out what you want to achieve from the 'discipline techniques' you use is important. Do you want to 'punish' your child or do you want them to learn something as a result of the consequences you impose?  In an online article, Sarah Holbome writes how consequences should be used as 'teachable moments' whenever possible ... 
"The word "discipline" comes from the word "disciple", which means, "to teach". Therefore, discipline should not be seen as "punishment", but rather as a teachable moment. Essentially, when you discipline your child you are teaching him or her; you are teaching right from wrong, what is acceptable behaviour, and what is unacceptable behaviour. Punishment treats the person as wrong and focuses on what has happened in the past, but discipline treats the act as wrong and focuses on the future and what can be done differently. The goal is for your child to eventually become self-disciplined (demonstrating acceptable behaviour without needing your help and reminders)."
I recently spoke to a Mum and Dad who are currently struggling with their Year 10 son who has been 'pushing all their buttons'. These were great parents who obviously love their son. He sounds like a great kid but he's been sneaking out of the house without their knowledge on a Saturday night and was recently found almost unconscious in a shopping centre car park after drinking too much. When I asked the mother how she responded to leaving the house without permission, you could hear the frustration in her voice when she said the following:
"Nothing seems to have an effect. The only thing that worked, when we could actually see that it made a difference, was when we took him to the barber and we cut off his long hair!"
Punishment and consequences are very different things and if you want to ensure your teen learns a lesson after doing the 'wrong thing' it is important to ensure that you know the difference. Cutting her son's precious locks off was a punishment and I can almost guarantee that the 'difference' she saw in her son's face as they were being lopped off was in no way related to a positive 'teachable moment'. The mother did it to show she was in control and that she was boss. She was hurt - that is absolutely understandable. He was angry and resentful. The punishment may result in him never sneaking out of the house again, it may not, but if this 'power-based' response is regularly used it has the potential to cause great damage to the parent-child relationship.
So am I suggesting that grounding never be used? Of course not, if used appropriately, grounding can be a very effective consequence. It just needs to be thought-through and planned. 
Consequences need to be fair (they 'fit the crime'), balanced (they impact on the young person but aren't designed to 'hurt') and, as already stated, able to be enforced. The key to finding 'appropriate' consequences for breaking rules is ensuring that they are developed at the same time as those rules. Adolescents need to know what the rules are and why they exist, but they also need to be fully aware of the consequences should they break them. When they know what will happen should they play-up, they are much less likely to feel that their punishment is unfair - they may not like what will happen but it's no great surprise! So the best way to use grounding is to introduce it as a potential consequence when rules around parties and alcohol are discussed. This could be done in the following way:
"You know our rules around alcohol at parties. We trust you to follow them. If we discover, however, that you have broken these rules then you will not be attending the next party you are invited to."
Here's the rule and here is the consequence if you break that rule. They can't say they didn't know what was going to happen! It's fair, balanced and enforceable ...
Of course, there will be always be situations that are so out of character that rules in that area have not even been considered (how many parents would ever develop rules around being called by police because of their child's drunkenness?) and so it is then that consequences are going to have to be worked out after the event. If you want to do this in the most effective way, trying to ensure they actually 'learn' something from what you choose to impose, rather then simply punish them and potentially build resentment and damage your relationship, consider the following four simple steps:
  • Wait: Never decide and administer consequences in anger. You or your child are likely to say something you will regret and nothing positive will come of it. Wait until things have calmed down and you and your teen have a clear head.
  • Talk and then listen: When the time comes to talk to your child, start by telling them that whatever they do, you will always love them. You may not like their behaviour but nothing they do will change the fact you love them. Then tell them why you are upset or angry and then give them the opportunity to explain their behaviour. It is important to acknowledge that in many cases teens will not provide any justification for what they have done. At other times, they may try to shift the blame onto others or simply not accept that what they did was wrong. Just listen ...
  • Discuss how that behaviour can improve: Once they have had their say, give them the opportunity to come up with ways that things could be done differently in the future. How are they going to change this behaviour so that they don't find themselves in this position again? This may even involve you agreeing to consider renegotiating rules and boundaries in the future if they can prove that they can be trusted and their behaviour improves.
  • Let them know the consequences: It is important to ensure that whatever consequence is used it should be connected to the misbehaviour in some way. If they get an allowance and they have spent money on alcohol, it is entirely appropriate for you to reduce the amount you give them for a period of time. When they don't come home at the agreed time, reduce their curfew by half an hour. If you decide to remove a privilege that they have earned in the past, it is also important that they are aware that this can be earned back if behaviour changes.
The key is to never develop and discuss consequences in anger - that's why grounding is so often ineffective - it's nearly always doled out when tempers are flared. You may feel the need to scream and shout but it is important to try to keep calm and wait until tempers are a little cooler. Give your child a consequence that can't realistically be carried out and followed-through by you and you weaken any future rules you may try to put into place. They're simply not going to believe that you will follow-through the next time. Most importantly, even though most would not like admitting to it, grounding is used by parents to show their child who is boss. Something's happened, they feel like they're not in control and they lash out with something like "You're grounded for ... a month!" The time period means nothing, it wasn't thought through and it's usually completely ineffective ...

Reference
Holbome, S. (2016). Why does "You're grounded!" never seem to work? April 5, Youth Service Bureau, article accessed 16 November, 2017, http://ift.tt/2z9Y16C



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Consent is THE Issue

In the US, we’re currently seeing what happens when people disregard consent one way: by sexually harassing, assaulting, or molesting someone. People are speaking up about how predatory people did certain things to them even though they did not consent.

On the flip side, we have laws and widely held bigotries that disregard consent when they criminalize and otherwise discriminate against adults who are consenting to their relationships.

Consent needs to be respected both ways.

If adults mutually consent to something with each other, whether it is one driving the other to dinner, a hug, a kiss, touching, a sex act, something involving BDSM, then nobody else should interfere uninvited. And if there is no mutual agreement, nobody should be harassed or coerced into doing something.

Why is this so hard to understand?

Respect consent!!!

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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Frequently Asked Question: Can Siblings Marry?


The following is based on my understanding. I’m not at attorney and this should not be considered legal advice.

Can siblings marry?

I’m not aware of any government that will currently marry full-blood siblings or recognize a marriage of full-blood siblings; rather, if it was discovered by the authorities after an official marriage was formed that the spouses were, in fact, siblings, the marriage would be dissolved and considered invalid. If the spouses knew they were siblings when they married, they would be subject to prosecution. If they discovered the genetic relationship after getting married, they would have to file for an annulment or dissolution or risk prosecution.

Where sibling consanguinamory isn’t still banned by law, siblings can have a wedding ceremony and live the married life, although under discrimination, as their government will not recognize their marriage and they will not get treated equally.



Sweden and Brazil will legally marry half siblings under certain circumstances. I’m not aware of any country that currently has more progressive laws or laws as progressive as Sweden and  Brazil.

Some siblings report that they have been able to get a marriage license in places like the US based on the ignorance of the authorities, such as the siblings being born in different states or countries and/or not having a shared parent listed on their birth certificates. However, if the laws of that location do not recognize sibling marriages as valid, or if consanguinamory is illegal in that jurisdiction, a marriage license is a potential piece of evidence that can be used in criminal prosecution, and that’s sad.

[UPDATE October 2014: An anti-equality lawyer who has practiced in at least two US states insists that there are at least a few states where same-gender siblings should, by the existing laws, be issued marriage licenses.]

If siblings want to get married, they should be free to marry. Inequality, based on prejudice, is counterproductive. All over the world, there are siblings living as spouses; there always has been, some with the knowledge and support of friends and family, some hiding the full nature of their relationship. Sooner or later, full marriage equality will be in place in more progressive places, allowing siblings to marry without discrimination or fear of prosecution. Let’s make it happen sooner rather than later.


This question may be asked many different ways. Can siblings get married? Can siblings marry? Can a brother and sister get married? Can a brother and brother get married? Can a sister and sister get married? Can a sister marry her brother? Can a brother marry his sister? Can a sister marry her sister? Can a brother marry his brother? Can you marry your sibling? Can you marry your brother? Can you marry your sister? Can two sisters marry? Can two brothers marry?


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