Living Consanguinamorously - What To Tell The Children

A question many people in consanguinamorous relationships have is if, what, when, and how to tell their children about their relationship.

There is no one right answer because it depends on many different factors.

It will be great when we get to a point where it doesn’t even have to be a question, but since most consanguineous lovers are still living in places where such relationships face severe discrimination, often including imprisonment, it is a question some people have.

Most people in consanguinamorous relationships have children, whether they have those children together or by some other relationship or through adoption or third party reproduction, because most people in general have children, so this is an issue faced by many people.

Let’s consider some of the factors involved.


1) Do you live where such relationships are criminalized? It can be tough on a child to keep a secret. It is often best if they wouldn’t possibly reveal anything incriminating, and if that can be prevented from them knowing something incriminating in the first place, great!

2) Other than the law, how are things where you live? Even if you live somewhere that your love isn’t criminalized, you and your loved ones can still be subjected to hateful discrimination and attacks.

3) What kind of relationship do you have? If your consanguinamory is limited to what amounts to a family-with-benefits situation, that’s easier to hide from the children and a lot of other people as well. But if if you’re living as spouses, and your children think of you and your lover(s) as spouses to each other, and the children are likely to talk about you to others as though you’re spouses, that’s another matter.

4) How are you presenting your relationship, if at all? Do people know of your relation? A mother and the adult son she raised who have a “benefits” situation can easily keep that closeted. But if people know you are lovers but don’t know of your genetic relation, are they likely to find out?

5) Who knows what, and what is their attitude about it? If you have hostile, blabbermouth relatives who know all about it, and you can’t keep them from contacting your children, that’s a far different situation than, say, your approving parents knowing and being able to keep it a secret.

6) Are any of the children your joint biological children, and if not, were they around and older when you and your lover(s) got involved? A DNA test on a child conceived by you and a consanguineous partner can reveal your relation.

7) Are you or your partner a parental figure to any of these children? If a woman has a child by her genetic brother, uncle, father, or son and he’s thousands of miles away or he lives on the other side of town with his other children and/or stepchildren, that’s going to make things different than if you’re living together and he’s living as their father or a father figure. Just as someone being a parent or a parental figure doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lover to the child’s other parent, being a lover to the child’s parent doesn’t necessarily mean they will be acting as a parent or parental figure.

In general, children should be told things like this only on a need-to-know basis. If it won’t benefit them, they don’t need to know.

Will it benefit a child who is, say 11, to know that her parents are siblings or father and daughter? Usually it won’t.

As they get older, what they need to know might expand.

What concerns children above everything else is their needs being met. If they are being loved, nurtured, protected, housed, fed, clothed, talked with and listened to, if they are allowed to play and learn, and are provided some stability and consistency in their life, they will thrive. If they have a childhood like that, it really won’t matter to them, as they are growing up, what the genetic relation is of the adults raising them. Just about any child out there would rather have kind parents who protect them and are siblings than unrelated parents who are neglectful.

One of the reasons we fight for rights and equality is that it is harder to provide children with what they need when the parents are being discriminated against simply for loving each other.

Here are some of the possible problems and what people think might be problems people think about when it comes to telling or NOT telling:

1) If the neighbors or anyone else find out and aren’t supportive, it’s one more thing for which they might bully your children.

2) Children may be traumatized if their parents are arrested and prosecuted, and will be if they are ripped away from their parents. The good news is that, although people do continue to be prosecuted on many places, the overwhelming majority of consanguinamorous relationships never involve being arrested for being consanguinamorous. So would it be good for a child to worry about the possibility of something that, odds are, won’t happen?

3) A child may find out from someone or something else and confront their parent(s) with “Why didn’t you tell me?” If that ever happens, though, the parent should be honest: “Because it was of no benefit for you to know, but there were potential downsides to you knowing. What matters is that I/we love you and have taken care of you.”

4) Some people fear their child will reject them/their lover(s) or otherwise react negatively. Maybe you were rejected by your parents or someone else due to your love, or something else about you, such as your orientation or gender identity, and you fear that your child will likewise reject you. But...

This last one isn’t likely to happen if you’re good parents to them, and especially if part of that good parenting is that you raise them with healthy attitudes about sexuality and relationships. One of the reasons people (maybe even your own parents) bash consanguinamorous people is simply because they were taught to. Teach your child to be thoughtful and respectful and understanding. The earlier you start (age-appropriate, of course) the better. If you’ve got a 13-year-old and you just found the half sibling you never knew you had and have fallen madly in love, it’s probably not going to be easy if the 13-year-old has been raised with the attitude that consanguinamory is wrong (as some people who experience GSA used to feel!) It matters how your children are raised. You had no control over how strangers or your parents or your siblings (usually) were raised, but you have much to do with teaching your children and setting good examples for them.

So, if you raise them to embrace human diversity rather than fear it, to be loving and kind and accepting and sex-positive, chances are, things between you and them will be good. If you’re loving towards them, it usually isn’t going to matter much at all to them if they do find out that you and your partner(s) share genes. If anything, if they hear it is wrong from someone else they will likely be baffled that someone would say it is wrong. (Although, even the best parents can raise a child who goes down the wrong path and grows up to be an awful person.)


There are certain situations in which it might be helpful for the children to know:

1) They are getting involved with each other, whether it is youthful experimentation or a budding romance. Especially if they’ve internalized some of the prejudiced bigotry against consanguinamory, they might need to be assured that it is OK by their parents coming out to them as an example.

2) Especially if they are older and looking for a permanent or long-term partner (or have one or more) and are frustrated because they perceive their relationship(s) don’t measure up to the connection they see their parents have, it could be helpful to reveal to them that the reason your relationship is different is because it is one of double-love.

3) If the now-adult children express a romantic and/or sexual interest in one or more of you. Whether that bond will be added or not, it can be helpful for them to know the full reality of the existing or prior relationship(s).

4) They are well into adulthood and you think you might need their help in protecting you.


How To Tell Them

If you decide that your child should know, whether you have the luxury of tell them yourself or you have to clear up something they found out from someone or something else, it should be age-appropriate. You know your child better than anyone else does, so think about what generally concerns them and how they process new information. What kind of relationship do they have with you and your lover(s)?

Dependent children want to know "What does this mean for me?" They want to know how it has an impact on them. Usually, it won't actually change anything.

Point out to them that what matters most is that you and your lover(s) have been there, and will continue to be there, for them. What matters is how you've been treating each other and them.

Do not feel obligated to abandon your privacy. You don't need to answer every question they ask in extensive detail. Likewise, don't volunteer anything unnecessarily that would make your child uncomfortable (after all, many children spend at least some of their life NOT wanting to hear/see anything relating to their parents' sex life.)

You can provide them with general information about consanguinamory.

This page may also help, depending on how old they are.

Remind them that everyone has their own path and there is diversity in relationships; what is best for some is different than what is best for others. This is where you've found love and it really isn't anyone else's business to be concerned with.

And yes, do discuss, as appropriate, that there's still ignorance and prejudice against some love and that you've had to take certain steps to protect yourself and them.

Let them know they can keep coming to you with questions or concerns.

If you think it would help them for them to have something to do with this information, maybe they can support equality?


Some Odds and Ends

Unable to think of a single good argument against such relationships, haters might ask something like. “So are you their father or their uncle?” (or whatever the situation is.) The biological fact is, you’re both. However, people are generally identified by their closer relation. So if you’re socializing them as their father, then you are father, dad, or whatever. First cousin marriages have been common and legal throughout history and remain so in many places. To the biological children of such marriages, dad is also their first cousin, once removed, as is their mom (and, likewise, the children are first cousins, once removed to their parents.) But nobody talks like that. It is simply “This is my daughter” or “This is my father.”

[Please note we are generally talking about consensual (to be redundant) relationships and births, not assault. If your child was conceived in incestuous assault, it usually isn't a good to tell them that their conception was an assault. You should protect that child from the abuser if the abuser is still around, but the child doesn’t need to know the truth about their conception.]

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Secure Together

Kindred Spirits forum continues to be a great place for consanguinamorous people and allies to connect, and to read about the experiences and emotions of people in these relationships. With permission, I'm quoting some statements from one woman who is at the forum.

From her introductory message...

I'm in a relationship with my father for 7 years. I'm 27 and he's 48. I lost my virginity to my father at the age of 20, so he's my first and only love. We just moved to our new place and we are planning to make a baby. I know he will make a great father. I mean, after all, he did raised me himself. Feel free to message me, or ask me any questions.

Later, she responded to Jane's situation with her father...

Jane Doe, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you and your dad. My father was the same way when we started our relationship. He felt like he was betraying my trust and that he wasn't being fair to me. It took a whole year for my father to get over his shame and guilt. I had to constantly reassure him that I like it and I was okay with it. He's a great father and he finally sees that now.

Someone asked, "Do your relationships feel any stronger because of the added blood bond?"

I think I'm late to the party here, but the answer to your question is yes. It's not just the sex itself, but even the little things like, flirting, holding hands, or just a simple conversation. When I cuddled with my father in bed, I feel so loved as his woman, and as his daughter. I feel like I just won the lottery ticket because I have someone who is my best friend, my lover, and the best part, my father.

Later she added...

I think I've already found my perfect match on earth and that is my father. We absolutely knows everything about each other. I love the fact how he's always been there for me since birth. I can't imagine being with anybody else.

In another thread she wrote...

He makes me feel beautiful inside and outside. I know I can't find this kind of love and bond with any body else...I love sharing the same bed with my father. I love how close we are and how open we are with each other. I love knowing that I can come to him as my man, and as my father. But most of all, I love the deep trust between us.

And...

Something about the bond I have with my father is indescribable. It's so much deeper than love and I've grown strongly attached to my father

She announced some exciting news...

I couldn't wait any more so here is the exciting news. I am pregnant with my daddy's child. I have always wanted a baby with my dad and now that I'm finally pregnant, it felt surreal. We are both excited about being parents and raising the child together. The word "happy" can't even begin to describe how I really feel inside. Each day it feels like I made the right choice to be with my dad.

Finally, she had choice words for "Opposers"...

My dad is not a pervert, a predator, manipulator, child molester, and he's definitely not an evil person. My dad is kind, loving, caring, generous, and trustworthy. He is fair and generous to others. He's willing to help friends, family, and even strangers. My dad is humble and unselfish. He gives more than he takes. He does community volunteer work and makes donations. He taught me about love, kindness, fairness, and generosity. To me, it makes perfect sense why I only want to be with my dad. My dad is NOT a bad father, or a bad person. He is my BEST friend and the GREATEST dad in the world. We deserve to be happy just like any couples. No matter what anybody says, this is love. Matter of fact, it is beyond love. It is something that can not be define by a dictionary, professors, psychologists, or even scientists. It is beyond knowledge and logic. It is probably the most rare, and even maybe the most unique relationship out in the universe. I am so lucky and grateful to have such a beautiful relationship with my dad.

Like so many others, she has discovered that the person for her is someone she already loved and trusted, and their connection is a powerful one. There is no good reason they should be denied their rights. It is the prejudiced bigotry of others that causes the most trouble. Let consenting adults have the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

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Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest?

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Spicy Karela ( Bitter gourd cooked with spices)

Most people shy away from Karela (bitter gourd or bitter melon in English). I for some reason love it. Every time I go get my groceries, if I see bitter gourd I will surely buy it. May be because I am aware of the immense health benefits and  the nutritional value of bitter gourd, especially for diabetics. People don't like it because of it's bitterness. I am of the opinion that either they have eaten a bitter gourd dish that has not been cooked properly. If a bitter gourd is cooked in the correct manner, there is little to no bitterness in the dish. Check my fried bitter gourd and the Masala Karela recipes.

Today I am bringing to you another of my favorite, easy to make bitter gourd recipes that does not leave the Karela tasting bitter! This recipe was shared by my sister.  I have modified it to make it tastier and more convenient.  Do try it.. You may like it!! 

Servings: 4-6

Prep time: 20 mins Cook time: 15-20 minsTotal time: 35-40 mins

Ingredients: 

Bitter gourd/ Karela: 2 medium sized

Turmeric powder/ haldi: 1 tsp

Salt: 1 tsp

Water: 4 cups

Tamarind pulp: 1/2 tsp

Jaggery/brown sugar: 1 tsp

Coconut oil: 1 tbsp

Mustard seeds: 1 tsp

Curry leaves: 1 sprig

Garlic : 4-6 cloves, chopped 

Red chilli powder: 1 tsp

Freshly grated coconut: 2 tbsp

Method:

Chop the Karela either in circles or in pieces. Take this in a bowl. 
Add turmeric powder, salt and keep aside for atleast 15 mins. I usually leave it overnight like that in the fridge ( for convenience). 

After 15 mins ( or whenever you are ready to cook it), squeeze the Karela a fistful at a time and keep aside. Do this with all the available bitter gourd. Discard the remaining water. 

Take this squeezed bitter gourd in a sauce pan or pot. 
Add 4 cups water, jaggery and tamarind pulp. 
Bring this to a boil, reduce the flame and cook it until the Karela is just tender. Turn off the flame and let it cool down slightly.  
When it has cooled down enough to handle it, drain the water completely. Discard the water. Keep the cooked Karela aside. 

In a sauté pan or frying pan, heat 1 tbsp coconut oil.
Add the mustard seeds. 
Once the mustard seeds splutter, add the curry leaves and chopped garlic. Sauté for few seconds until the garlic is fragrant. 
Add the red chilli powder. Sauté for 10 seconds.
Now add the cooked Karela, freshly grated coconut and if needed a pinch of salt( I usually don't add salt as we already added it earlier during marination). Mix and let it all come together for 2 mins. Turn off the flame.

Serve hot. 

Goes well with rice and dal, yogurt rice or roti.

I am bringing this to my dear friend Angie's Fiesta Friday#175. I bet they have not heard of this dish. Her cohosts this week are Monika @ Everyday Healthy Recipes and Suzanne @ A Pug in the Kitchen. Both are very talented bloggers.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy: 

The key to ensuring that Karela is not bitter is either to marinate it with salt and turmeric powder, squeeze it out and discard the water or to boil it in water, squeeze and remove and discard the water. 

Tip for healthy living:

Since time immemorial, bitter gourd had known for its health benefits in diabetics. The most significant being the insulin like properties of it's juice which is used in diabetics to keep their blood sugar levels under control. Research however has shown inconclusive results. Karela is also used as a blood purifier. It is supposedly helpful in people with toxemia, and helps boost the immune system. There have been also other claims like its use in people with gout, piles etc, but there has been no scientific evidence to support it.

References:

http://ift.tt/2rKEVyG
http://ift.tt/2rfiFt7
http://ift.tt/2rKOfTh

Food for thought: 

Fortitude is the guard and support of other virtues. John Locke

Please do share your thoughts. Your opinion matters!

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"We didn't call other parents – he told us we didn't need to!" One Mum's story of when it all went horribly wrong ...

I've talked so much about trust over the last couple of months and the importance of remembering that during adolescence your child is likely to lie to you to get what they want. There are certainly those parents who don't agree with me, choosing to believe that if you trust your teenager they will 'repay' that trust with being open and honest about their behaviour, whatever that may entail ... As I have said, I believe strongly in the following - most young people will do the 'right thing' most of the time, however, all young people will do the 'wrong thing' at least some of the time!

Parents need to be prepared for their child to 'let them down' at some time or another. Of course, don't 'expect' them to do the wrong thing but it is important to 'accept' that they are likely to slip up now and then, that's just what adolescents do! Every parenting expert will tell you that you have to trust your child at some point, but as I have said time and time again, blind trust is dangerous ... A couple of weeks ago I had this comment posted onto one of my blog entries:

"I heard you speak a number of years ago and remember feeling quite confronted when you said that my son would lie to me at some point. He was 12 at the time and I am ashamed to say that my husband and I completely ignored almost all of the advice you gave that night about boundaries and rules. We really believed that if we trusted our son he would repay that trust by being honest with us. He is now 16-years-old and has recently been arrested for the third time for drug use. He is a good kid but we let him down by not providing the boundaries we should have when he was younger. We didn't call other parents – he told us we didn't need to! It took a police officer knocking at our door for us to finally realize what had been going on for over 2 years! I wish we'd listened …"

I have since had contact with this mother (let's call her Jill) who is really struggling at the moment. Jill and her husband are desperately trying to work out how to deal with their son who has well and truly 'gone off the rails'. He successfully manipulated his parents from the age of 14 (and possibly even younger) and had them totally convinced that they had an open and honest relationship. Even though they never took him to where he was meant to be going, never spoke to the parents who were supposedly hosting parties he was apparently attending or did any other type of checking up on what he was doing on a Saturday night, he had them convinced that all was fine! As she said to me over the phone, "He was doing well at school, the friends of his that we had met seemed nice and we had no reason to believe that anything was amiss."

Now, apart from his third brush with the law, their Year 11 son is now facing expulsion from school for bringing cannabis to school, his grades have fallen dramatically and their family is crumbling. I feel so sorry for these parents - they sound like really good people who were trying to do the right thing but just found themselves being well and truly played by an extremely manipulative teen. The very real problem they face now is how to deal with placing rules and boundaries around a young man who simply has never had any before. Trying to change the way you parent when they are 16-years-old is going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Realistically the only thing Jill and her husband are going to be able to do at this point is to try to build and maintain some sort of positive relationship with him, keep him as safe as possible and work in partnership with his school in an effort to get him through to his final exams. They have a very tough 18 months ahead of them ...

When I look at a group of students, particularly Year 10s, I can certainly see the problem that many parents face. Many of these teens are well and truly becoming young adults - they are physically changing, they are developing their own attitudes and values around so many things, particularly social issues and they want to be treated like adults. This means that they want to make their own decisions about where they go and what they do and they want to be trusted. Of course, parents need to respect how they feel and the changes their child is going through, but at the same time we must remember that they are adolescents and they need our help to get safely through this stage of their life ... The truth is that they are not able to make good decisions at this time - their brains are not fully developed and are 'programmed' to weigh risk in a very different way to an adult. In fact, their brains actually push them to take risks - this is an evolutionary feature that we are never going to change. We need to keep them safe ...

I am in the middle of reading an amazing book at the moment (I've read three great books recently, all of which I'll talk about in the coming weeks) and I don't think I have ever seen such a perfectly written explanation of adolescence and why effective parenting and boundary setting is still so vital at this stage of life. The book is called Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Teen by Robert J. MacKenzie and he writes the following in his summary of a chapter dealing with a parent's changing role in adolescence:

"When children enter adolescence they want and need us to shift from a direct and active role as primary authority figure to a seemingly less involved background figure that coaches from the sidelines. The role they want us to play is full of contradictions. Most teens want, and still need, us to be the central authority figures in their lives, but they don't want to think of us as such. They prefer to think of themselves as free agents who can manage their own affairs.

But the vast majority of teens are not ready to be the 'free agents' or to manage their own affairs. They still need our firm limits to guide their testing and exploration, our encouragement, our assistance with problem solving, and our instructive consequences when they choose to learn their lessons the hard way ..."

MacKenzie then goes onto talking more about 'coaching from the sidelines' (really another way of saying that during adolescence you move from a 'managing role' (parent-child) to a 'consulting role', which I have talked about many times). Where this book is quite different is that it really focuses on parental behaviour and responses to teen behaviour - I haven't finished it yet, but that quote is so 'spot-on' I just had to share it ...

When we spoke on the phone I asked Jill whether she would permit me to include her comment in a blog entry. Her response was heartbreaking. She burst into tears and said "Please let other parents know that this can happen to them. No-one wants to go through what we're going through at the moment. We feel like we've lost our son and it's all our fault!" Now, as I said to her at the time, I don't agree that it's all their fault - when you hear some of the things their son was doing from the age of 14, this was not 'normal' behaviour. He was clever and knew how to shut them down when they asked questions. Certainly, things may not be so bad if they had set boundaries and did some basic checking, but realistically, he sounds like a young man with some issues that would have always caused them problems, no matter what parenting style they had used.

Only you can make decisions around how you parent, nobody else can tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. As I said to Jill, you can only do the best you can do at the time and, if things go wrong, you can't waste time beating yourself up about it. You've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and work out what you're going to do next. You're going to be no good to your teen if you sit around saying 'What if?' ... I think the most important thing that I got Jill and her husband to do was to go and seek professional counselling - not for their son but for them! They are so beaten up and so convinced that everything is their fault that they are going to be no help for their son at all. As I said, the next 18 months is going to be tough for their family, they need to be strong and supported - professional help is vital ...

References:
MacKenzie, R.J. (2015). Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Teen. Harmony Books: New York.

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Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

I’ve noticed some common myths expressed about sibling consanguinamory. In this instance, by consanguinamory, I mean everything from curious exploration and experimenting to erotic romance, including masturbating in front of each other, erotic kissing, sexual touching or rubbing, oral sex, intercourse, etc.

This entry is NOT addressing molestation, assault, or abuse.

I’m referring to adult siblings, or minor siblings who are close in age, engaging in mutual affection or experimentation, without coercion, force, or intimidation. It may be two siblings alone, it may be three or more siblings, or it may be two or more siblings involved together with one or more people outside of the immediate family.

These myths need to be addressed, because they perpetuate inequality, discrimination, hardship, confusion, stigmas, ignorance, and fear.

Myth #1 “It doesn’t happen” or “It happens very rarely” or “I don’t know anyone who has done this.” Just because one person hasn’t been involved or doesn’t remember being involved with sibling doesn’t mean it isn’t happening with others. It is, and it always has. Ongoing sexual relationships between siblings are common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been in, such a relationship, and far more siblings than that have had an encounter or experimented, explored, or played doctor. Reality: We all know people who've been involved, whether we know it or not.

Myth #2 “Siblings don’t have sex, rather it is always that one sibling abuses another” or ”It only happens between siblings who have been abused or neglected” or “It always means they need therapy.” At the heart of this is myth is that, because of the dynamics between siblings, one sibling can’t consent to have sex with another. This ignores siblings who weren’t raised together, but even with siblings who were raised together, the claim that one can’t consent to sex with another is an unsupported assertion based on personal aversion, a personal history of abuse, ignorance, or even the absurd notion that females don’t want or enjoy sex. If an 18-year-old woman can legally consent to group sex with three male cage fighters who are strangers to her, or consent to be the mistress of a billionaire with a spouse and children, the President of the United States, or a someone who rented a room in her childhood home and was present for her entire childhood, how can we be consistent in saying that she can't consent to sex with her twin brother or sister? When it comes to minors, most family therapists don’t consider it abuse if minors close in age experiment or have sex; it is considered mutual experimentation (think teenagers who are four or fewer years apart). Abuse and sex are two different things. Sex does happen in some families. Unfortunately, so does abuse. But they aren’t the same thing. Reality: Some siblings do willingly share this at some point in their lives, and may not need therapy at all.

Myth #3. “It only happens as youthful experimentation. Adults don't do this.” While such contact is more common among siblings living together in their youth, it may continue throughout their lives or be initiated during adulthood: everything from while they’re at college to during their senior years. It can happen when siblings are introduced or reunited (Genetic Sexual Attraction,) during a time of personal discovery or experimentation, while one siblings cares for another through an illness or after an accident, during times of grieving, after a breakup or divorce or death of a spouse/lover… anytime, really. Reality: Some siblings share this throughout their lives, some starting late in life.

Myth #4 “It is unnatural.” This myth is not supported either in human history or in other species. While it is very common for people who spent their childhoods in the same residence together, whether genetically related or not, to develop a suppression of sexual attraction to each other (this has been described as the Westermarck Effect), this does not happen to everyone, and siblings who aren’t raised together are often attracted to each other; studies reveal most people are attracted to people who look like them. Reality: In many cases, nothing is more natural.

Myth #5. “It is wrong” or “It is destructive” or “It needs to be stopped” or “They won’t be able to go on to have normal lives.” Different people are going to have different moral guidelines about sex, but sibling consanguinamory is not considered wrong by everyone or all cultures. In many cases, it is advantageous compared to having the siblings involved with others. Nor is there anything inherently destructive about it, but rather some find it constructive. The only way to stop it is to have constant, direct supervision of the siblings 24/7/365. This, however, is needless. For most, the involvement is for a season and it will pass. For others, it will last a lifetime. Either way, there’s no good reason to try to stop it. The only hindrance to having a “normal life” for siblings who continue together is the bigotry of others. Reality: For some, it is the best of all possibilities, it is wonderful and constructive, and they lead perfectly normal, even unusually good lives.

Myth #6 “Only loners, losers, freaks, or ugly people do this” or “It only happens in rural, southern (in the US), poor, uneducated families.” 
Reality: Sibling consanguinamory happens in every demographic and in every part of the US and the world. There are attractive, outgoing, popular, successful, wealthy, educated people who have been, or are still involved with a sibling.

Myth #7 “If they have children, they will be deformed” or “It causes birth defects.” Incest, if it results in a birth, does not cause birth defects in and of itself. Most children born to close relatives are healthy. You know some, whether you know it or not and whether they know their own true parentage or not. Birth defects can be the result of injury during pregnancy, substances ingested during pregnancy, environmental factors, or genetic problems. It is the last one that people tend to be thinking of, usually, when they repeat this myth. That’s because when both genetic parents carry the same genetic problem, it may be demonstrated in the children. However, this can happen with parents who aren’t closely related, too. Reality: Most children born to siblings are healthy.

Myth #8 “It always ruins sibling relationships” or “A person needs a nonsexual relationship with their sibling.” Many siblings report that consaguinamory made them much closer, even if they have ceased that part of their relationship. As far as someone needing a nonsexual relationship with a sibling… that would mean that people who are only children (having no siblings) would suffer, when the studies say otherwise. Also, if someone has more than one sibling, that usually means they’ll still have a nonsexual relationship with the other. Reality: For many siblings, consanguinamory made their relationship much better, and they relate to other people better as a result.

Myth #9 “It is illegal everywhere.” No, it isn’t. But where it is, the laws should be changed. Some people say such laws are needed to prevent societal collapse due to everyone making mutant babies with their siblings. As already explained, most children born to siblings are healthy. Even so, sibling consanguinamory and reproduction are two different things. In most places where consanguinamory is legally banned, it is entirely legal for brothers and sisters to have genetic children together through artificial insemination. It is entirely legal for someone with Huntington’s Disease to have children, even though the odds are dramatically higher than with a random pair of siblings that the children will have a debilitating disease. We can also look at places where it is legal for brothers and sisters to have sex and children together, such as Spain, Portugal, Rhode Island, and New Jersey. Has there been a crisis as a result in any of those places? (Snooki excluded.) Furthermore, the person who says anti-consanguinamory laws are needed to prevent widespread inbreeding makes it sound like everyone wants to have babies with their sibling, and the only thing holding them back is the law (perhaps there is something they want to tell us?) MOST people will not have intercourse with or marry their siblings, and even many siblings who do will not have genetic children together. Another part of this myth is that laws against consanguinamory prevent abuse. Abuse is illegal regardless of consanguinamory laws, and criminalizing consensual sex actually makes it more difficult to get victims and witnesses to cooperate in the prosecuting of abusers. Reality: Sibling consanguinamory is legal in several US states and many developed countries, but where stupid laws still apply, those unjust laws must go.

Myth #10 “Siblings don’t need the freedom to marry.” This is often augmented with “because they are already family.” But siblings who are sharing their lives as spouses often do need the same rights, benefits, and protections as any other spouses, and there’s no good reason to deny them their fundamental right to marry. Also, marriage automatically provides for next-of-kin status, which is especially important when there is some discord between one or both siblings and other siblings or their parents or grown children. For example, if brothers Adam & Steve have been living as spouses for years and Steve winds up in a coma in the hospital, their estranged, bigoted parents would likely be able to usurp Adam’s rights to make decisions. Finally, in relationships initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction, they might not be considered family under the law, although in a loathsome double-standard, they may still be subject to discriminatory laws based on their genetic relation. Reality: An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.

In Conclusion

There are siblings who are together right now, providing each other love, comfort, support, or their first sexual experience in a safe and reassuring environment. The biggest problem with sibling consanguinamory seems to be the prejudice and sex-negative attitudes of others. In most cases, trying to force consanguinamorous siblings apart only makes things worse. It can be a mutually beneficial way of bonding, expressing their love for each other, learning, and discovering their sexuality; it may even be a beautiful, lifelong romance.

Let’s not let ignorance cause needless concern or repression.

For further reading:

Common Objections Answered

What Family and Friends Should Know

Case Studies of Consanguinamorous Relationships

How Common is Consensual Incest?

Why Is Incest Illegal Anywhere?

Genetic Sexual Attraction

Consensual Incest FAQ

If You Are Considering It

myths lies misconceptions the truth about real true sibling brothers sisters brother-sister sister-sister brother-brother consanguineous sex incest lovemaking love marriage

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Very Important Consanguinamory Study Results

Consanguinamory is not studied nearly enough by sociologists, in part because of prejudice.

However, Jane has published fascinating results from a study. Hopefully, this will be just the start of more extensive research.

Go see the results.

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It's Natural

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, but are usually closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below should be free to decide whether or not to legally marry her partner, yet they could be harassed, persecuted, and imprisoned if they were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say. You may think this relationship with her son is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: You recently moved from New Jersey to Germany. Why is that?

Shiffon: For work as well as personal reasons. Someone came to know about our relationship and before that person could cause trouble, we made the move. It was already in planning but that caused me to prepone. No one knows about us here, so we are living as a couple.


FME: How did that start?

It started when he was 18 and I was 48. He'd been getting peeks at me, mostly when I was changing. I pretended not to notice. He was a very curious teenager.

Initially, I was surprised, but didn't want to embarrass him. But I was also flattered. 

He became more physical in his affections. His hugs became tighter and his kisses got a bit more bold. It was a turn on. I could feel that he was aroused.

On his 18th birthday, we went out for dinner. When we came back home, things just happened naturally. He kissed me and I didn't stop him. It was very sensual.

FME: So you raised him?

I raised him. He's an only child.

FME: Was he the first younger man you'd been with?

Yes.

FME: So it was a new experience in more than one way.

It sure was, but there were no conflicts in my mind once it happened. It always felt natural.

FME: Who knows, aside from the person we mentioned earlier, and how did they find out?

A friend of mine knows. I told her. She is my best friend and I trust her completely.

FME: How did she react?

She was a little surprised, but not shocked. She told me she always knew he was curious.

FME: How long has this been going on?
Two years. He is happy and I couldn't have asked for more.

FME: Are you monogamous?

Yes, it has been monogamous, but there are no restrictions or rules.

FME: Is this a family-with-benefits situation, gilfriend/boyfriend, a marriage, or what?

It's not marriage, but it sure is a relationship. I can't define it in any parameters. I guess it is a combination of all of the above. It has been beautiful. I don't think I would legally marry again. As they say, "once bitten is twice shy," but I fully support people who want to.

FME: Does the sex feel natural, kinky, or what?

The sex is great. It's the best ever. It can feel natural and kinky. It doesn't hurt that he is a big boy in more than one way.

FME: Do you do things with him you wouldn't or hadn't done with others?

Absolutely. I've taught him a lot and learned a lot. He is more adventurous now.

FME:  Are there any other benefits to having this kind of relationship?

It is unconditional and without any selfishness, and that is what makes it amazing.

FME: What about negatives? What have you had to do to protect your privacy?

We had to move to Germany, but it turned out to be a positive.

FME: What advice do you have for people with these feelings or considering making a pass at a family member, especially mother or son?

Don't do it until you are completely sure of your feelings. Also, if you are sure about what you want, do it in a very careful way.

FME: What advice do you have for family or friends who suspect someone they know is in involved?

Keep an open mind, don't judge them, and certainly don't create problems for them.

FME: Anything else you want to say to the world?

Life is too short. Don't complicate it. Just let people live their life.


*****

Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone and yet they have to stay closeted and can't even exercise their basic human right to marry. They are happy and in love, yet they are denied that fundamental right of freedom of association. Please note that they were not breaking in laws in New Jersey, but they still could have faced severe discrimination and harassment if they were outed there.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later.

People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this. If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.


Thank you to Shiffon for doing this interview! We wish you well in your intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

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