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'Sleepovers': Are they always as 'innocent' as they sound?

Just over four years ago I was contacted by a mother who couldn't wait to tell me her story about a 'sleepover' she had recently held for her daughter's 14th birthday. I wrote an article about her experience and shared it. Last week she contacted me again, this time to tell me about her now 18-year-old daughter and what went down at the event celebrating that birthday… We're in the process of putting together a piece about that but after reading what I wrote when I first heard from her, I thought it may be a good idea to update it and share it again …

Jane is the mother of three girls, the eldest of which just turned 14. To celebrate her daughter's recent birthday, she agreed to hold a small gathering with a few of her friends being invited. After some discussion about what she wanted (and what Jane was willing to do!)  four friends were invited for a 'sleepover' on a Saturday night. The girls would stay the night and Jane would provide food, some games and a video or the like through the night. The family had only just moved to a new city and new school and Jane did not really know any of her daughter's friends and saw the event as not only a good way to get to know them but also their parents.

Invitations were written and hand-delivered to the four girls at school (something Jane didn't feel entirely comfortable about but was told that this was the way it was done) and later told by her daughter that all of them would be attending. Over the next week Jane waited to hear something from any of the parents - her number had been included on the invitation and she had anticipated that there would be some type of questions asked about the night and what was planned - but there was nothing! After discussions with her husband, she agreed that they must just be waiting for the actual evening to check things out and it would all be sorted when the girls were dropped off on the night. That was not the case, however, as each of the girls were dropped off in the driveway (although Jane could not guarantee that as she did not see all of the cars actually arriving) and not one of the parents accompanied their daughter to the door! She did not meet one of the parents, had not been asked anything about the event and what was going to be happening and really didn't even know if they had any idea who their daughters were with and where they actually were ...

Jane was flabbergasted! These were 14-year-old girls - the potential for tragic consequences were very real and yet their parents couldn't even be bothered to make one simple call or take a quick walk down a driveway to find out who they were leaving their daughters with for the evening. Totally gobsmacking! Not one of these parents had ever met Jane or her husband before (the family had only recently moved from interstate), they knew nothing about their values and how they would be supervising the sleepover, or even who would be doing the supervising. They didn't even know if there were adults in the house when they dropped their daughters off! As she said, these were four teenage girls (getting changed into sleepwear at some point!) who would staying the night at her house and their parents knew absolutely nothing about what was going to go down ...

Sleepovers are not a new phenomenon – they have been around for a long time and play a key role in how young people learn to socialize during the pre-teen and early teen years. I believe that if your child wants to attend a sleepover and you believe it is going to be a safe event, you should absolutely let them go … It is becoming increasingly obvious, however, that these are not always the innocent events that they purport to be ... Of course, there are those, like the event that Jane put on for her daughter, that are exactly what you would expect them to be, i.e., nights involving young teens staying over at a friend's house doing fun things. That said, 'sleepovers' can also be 'teenage code' for "I'm going out to a party drinking and I'm not telling my parents!" Telling your parents that you're going to a friend's house for a sleepover and won't be home until mid-morning the next day is a great way of getting around parental rules governing parties and gatherings, as well as ensuring that they won't be able to detect if they've been drinking alcohol. It's the perfect cover and parents are falling for it 'hook, line and sinker'!

So how do you know if the sleepover is real or not? This is where I continue to get totally floored by some parents' behaviour because it's not exactly rocket science - call the house where the supposed event is taking place and ask the parents about what is planned! If your child won't give you a contact number, tries to tell you that you won't be able to reach them, or that the host parents don't have a phone (can you believe that some parents actually fall for that?) or that you would "shame them forever" if you do call - it's a pretty sure bet that something is up! Your child keeps you 'siloed' for a reason - sure, there's an element of embarrassment (i.e., they truly believe that nobody else's parent is going to ask those questions) but it's just as likely to be due to them not wanting you to know exactly what is going to happen. If you know to much you may not let them go ... What is amazing about Jane's story is that she did make herself available for parents, expecting them to call and check about the evening and not one of them did!

I have been trying to fathom the reasons why these parents wouldn't have made the call beforehand or walk their daughters to the door and meet the family that they were going to entrust their child to for the evening. I've come up with four possibilities – none of which adequately explain the parents' actions that night:

• they had 'blind trust' – trusting that the parents hosting the event would do the 'right thing', had the same values and attitudes as them and, as a result, their child would be supervised appropriately and would be safe for the night
• they were bullied by their 14-year-old daughter and told that they couldn't make contact with another parent for fear of 'shaming' them in some way
• they had plans for the evening and if they did too much digging, they may have to actually say 'no' to their daughter and look after her themselves, i.e., the 'sleepover' offered a free child-minding service and they didn't want that spoiled
• they just don't care!

Some may say I'm being too harsh here (and certainly the final two reasons I've put forward are pretty brutal) but really if anyone can come up with a better reason, please let me know.

As I said, there are 'legitimate' sleepovers held every weekend across the country and there are many parents who are trying to do the right thing and monitor their teens the best they can (and I get that it's not always easy!) but Jane's story highlights a significant issue that is of great concern. How many parents really know where their teens are on a Saturday night and how hard are some of them trying to find out? A sleepover sounds innocent enough (and in many cases, that's exactly what they are) but it is still vital that parents talk to each other and find out as much as possible about what is going to go down. Walking your 14-year-old son or daughter to the door of someone you are entrusting them to for the evening is not really that difficult and is crucial if you want to ensure your teen's safety ...

Teens are going to try to push the boundaries as much as possible, particularly during those difficult years of 14-16 years when they are first learning how to be young adults. It's a parent's job to try to keep them safe through this time and the best way to do that is to monitor them as best you can - i.e., know where they are, who they're with and when they'll be home - always remembering that sometimes they are going to lie straight to your face when you ask them these questions. It is important therefore that checks are done to verify the information they provide! It takes some work but isn't your child's safety and wellbeing worth it?

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What do teens really think about parents and their parenting? What advice would they give them about appropriate rules and boundaries?

Every parent is going to 'parent' their child in a different way and, if there's one certainty in this area, it is most probably that if you try and parent all your children in the same way it's most probably not going to work particularly well. Parenting theories come and go and what was promoted heavily as the 'way to go' a decade ago may not be regarded in the same way today ...

But what do teens think about their parents' parenting practices? When a young person approaches me and discusses the issues they may be having with their Mum or Dad around alcohol and parties, usually complaining about the rules and boundaries that are being imposed, I always ask them why they think their parents are doing what they're doing ... The answer is nearly always the same - "They're trying to ruin my life!" Now, as I always say in response, I'm sure that is not true, but at that point in their life that is exactly how they are feeling. A whole pile of boundaries are being put into place that are stopping them from doing what they want to do and realistically it's pretty difficult to shift their thinking at this point. As far as they're concerned, you don't understand them, their lives are being wrecked and it's all your fault ...

A few years ago, The Guardian newspaper ran an online story from the UK titled 'Your child is going to experiment: what teenagers really think'. It's a great piece and well worth a read. Written by "Suzanne Moore and a load of kids" (you'll understand what that means in a moment), the journalist talks about how it feels to be a parent of a teenager (she was onto her third at the time of publication). But what makes this article really interesting are the pieces written by 10 young people (ranging in age from 13-17 years) at the end, where these UK teens are asked to comment on parenting practices and 'what works' and what doesn't ... If you've got a few minutes, read the full article but I thought I'd just highlight a couple of quotes from some of these teens

"Sometimes parents need to think about giving their teenagers a little bit more freedom and understanding. If we are trusted, then we feel more independent and grown-up, so we are going to come home happy, instead of sitting on the phone all night."

"Parents also need to realize that not all teenagers are rebels. But if we do make mistakes, that's how we are going to learn. My mum sees dangers where there aren't any. Even if you think a certain friend might not be good for us, we have to figure it out for ourselves sometimes."

Marima, 14

"When I go out, my mum worries far too much - she wants to know all the details, who is going to be there, exactly where we are going. Parents worry about us spending time with people they don't know, but I don't know all of their friends, so it's not weird that they don't know all of mine. My advice would be: ask kids for some details, make sure at least one person you know will be there and the time they are coming back, but then give some freedom."

"For me, the secret to having a happy teen is giving them space and freedom - without that, there is no fun and happiness. But you also need to find common ground - with my dad, I watch crime thrillers; with my mum, Downton Abbey. It's good to have a thing you can bond over."
Katie, 13

"Whenever I get told off by my mum, she gives me these really long lectures. Seriously, they are so long that by the end of them I can't even remember what we were talking about. When it comes to my dad, he's much more short and snappy ... Don't  send your kids to sleep with a lecture - if you shout, at least we will remember what it was about ... My advice for parents is, if you want something doing, don't constantly go on about it, just say it once. If you say it multiple times, we just won't feel like it."

"Sometimes parents try to engage with their kids and it goes wrong. One time my mum was texting me, using all this youth language. I was thinking, what's going on? Has someone stolen my mum's phone? I found it pretty weird."

Faris, 13

"When I'm going to a party, Mum wants me to call her when I get there, after an hour, when I leave. She says she wants me to have my independence, then takes it away by asking for the phone number of the place I'm going. They want you to get a job, but won't let you stay at a friend's house. Teenagers are hypocritical about this, too: our need for independence changes by the minute ... Parents worry about our independence. It's probably because they know that we are about to become adults and, in a way, they worry we're going to turn into them."
Olly, 16

"I can talk to my parents about anything to do with school. When I was bullied, I talked to my mum and dad, and it got resolved. I was scared that talking about it could make it worse, but when you've got someone reassuring you, you can clear your head and think straight. As you grow up, your friends become your second parents, but when things are getting out of hand, your parents have the final say."

"It's all about balance. You have to know your can talk to your parents about anything. Parents have to trust their teens to do the right thing, but if they don't, take a step back and still be there for them."

Matt, 17

"I've been doing exams. After the first one, my dad took me out for tea. It was great to have a bit of father-and-son time. I think parents should do that, even just asking how something went or if you need help ... Make time for them (teens) and listen. If your parents are interested, it gives you a real boost."
Craig, 15

"You should talk to teens casually, not all raging and exaggerating the issue. On things like drinking, everyone does it. It's not a new thing and it's just part of being a teen. Despite what the media says, teens aren't bad. We have goals and know about current affairs and how we can change things. We might not watch the news, but we find stuff out on the internet."

"My one piece of advice to parents would be to set boundaries with your teen, but also to let them do their own thing. Make sure they have awareness, rather than saying they can't do something. Don't be too strict, because then teens won't tell you anything. I know people who've gone down that route. Once it starts, you become more distant and then there's no way back."

Katt, 16

When you read these it becomes pretty clear that teens, no matter their age, have a couple of simple messages they want to convey to parents - we're not all bad, we're growing up and want a level of freedom and independence, but at the same time they acknowledge that parents need to balance that with fair and age-appropriate boundaries and maintain a positive 'connection' with them. If you want to simplify that down to a 'parenting style', that's good, old-fashioned 'authoritative parenting' - rules, consequences, bound in unconditional love. Of course, it's never going to be as simple as that - the theory is all well and good but when it comes down to the actual practicalities of negotiating what will and won't be happening on a Saturday night, it is likely never to be easy ... It's important for parents to be aware, however, that amidst all the shouting and slamming of doors and the proclamations of "I hate you!" and "You're the only one who does that!", somewhere deep down (often deep, deep, deep down!) your teen has at least a limited understanding of why you do the things you do!

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'Vaping': What is it and is it 'safer' than smoking for our teens?

Recently I have received a number of messages from parents wanting to know more about 'vaping'. Each of them had recently found a device in their child's room and had little, or no idea, what it actually was, how it was used and whether it was harmful or not. Here is an edited version of one of the requests for information:

"Last weekend I found a strange-looking device in our son's room. When I asked him what it was he said it was a 'vape'. It looked like a long cigarette and when we asked him why he had it he told us that it was a 'bit of fun' and he and his mates occasionally used it when they got together. He insisted he only used it to do tricks and that these vapes were harmless. We confiscated it anyway and told him we wouldn't allow it in the house. Since then we found out that one of his friends is smoking cigarettes. Our son played it down and said his mate is actually using the device to try to give up smoking. Just last night I found another vape in my son's desk drawer as I was looking for something. I wasn't spying on him - he was in the room at the time. I confiscated it and again I got the same arguments - "Don't be ridiculous mum, these things are harmless" and "I only do tricks on them like blowing round circles!" So now I have two vapes confiscated. What should I do? Are they really harmless? I have got no clue what substance he has inside the vape."

So, what is a 'vape'? Essentially it's a street term for devices usually referred to as 'e-cigarettes'. So what exactly are these and how are they different from traditional cigarettes? More importantly, what are the harms associated with their use, particularly when it comes to young people?

Firstly, let me make it clear that I do not want to try to get into the middle of the debate that has been raging in the smoking cessation area for the past few years. There are some in the tobacco prevention area who believe that e-cigarettes could (and should) play a major role in assisting smokers quit in this country, while there are others who are staunchly opposed to their use and have campaigned (and for the most part been successful) to ensure there is a blanket ban of these devices. My only concern here is for young people and their parents and trying to sort out 'fact from fiction'.

An e-cigarette is a nicotine delivery device that simulates tobacco smoking by producing a vapour. Operated by a battery, it vaporizes a liquid solution (called 'e-liquid' or 'e-juice') which may contain nicotine (amongst other things, including a range of flavours from fruit through to chocolate and bubble-gum) and is promoted by manufacturers as being 'safer' than traditional smoking because it is a tobacco-free product that eliminates the burning process. When the liquid is turned into a vapour, this is inhaled or 'vaped'. Confusing the issue is that many of these e-liquids are nicotine free, with these devices simply releasing a flavoured vapour!

We have little up-to-date data on how many Australian teens are vaping. What we do have suggests that this is an issue that we need to monitor carefully. According to the latest Australian Secondary School Students Alcohol and Other Drugs (ASSAD) study conducted in 2014, 13% of 12-17-year-old students reported that they had ever used an e-cigarette. Use increased with age, from 5% of 12-year-olds to 22% of 17-year-olds, with young men being more likely to say that they had ever tried (one quarter (25.8%) of 17-year-old males), with 7.7% reporting use in the previous four weeks. It is unclear as to whether use has increased since that data was collected but from the anecdotal reports I am getting from schools and parents, it certainly seems as though this issue has not gone away ...

So are these devices legal? It is currently illegal in Australia for commercial retail outlets to sell nicotine e-cigarettes. Regulation of the sale of non-nicotine e-cigarettes continues to vary across Australian state and territory jurisdictions. While nicotine e-cigarettes or the nicotine vial refills may be purchased online for personal use, throughout Australia it is illegal to do this without a medical prescription for nicotine. As far as schools are concerned, most of those I have spoken to about this issue have elected to view these devices as tobacco products, whether or not they contain nicotine, and deal with them accordingly.

I have one major concern about these devices, regardless of whether they contain nicotine or not. We continue to have some of the lowest smoking rates in the world, particularly amongst school-based young people, due in no small part to making smoking be seen as anti-social. Even though e-cigarettes don't involve 'smoking' per se, they still simulate the practice and there is a very real danger that the 'anti-social' message could be eroded over time. This issue is compounded by the number of times you see these devices now being used on American TV programs, particularly comedy shows, where they are usually (but not always) using them to smoke cannabis. Now that cannabis has been legalised for recreational use in California, we are seeing more and more US comedy shows using the vaping (and smoking) of cannabis to get a laugh.

In the mother's message above she talks about her son telling her that he "only used it to do tricks". Type in 'vaping tricks' into YouTube and you will literally see hundreds of videos that have been uploaded by people from around the world. Some of you may remember some of the party tricks that smokers would do back in the days when smoking a cigarette was pretty cool - these vaping videos put all of those to shame! This compilation video of vaping tricks clearly shows why some young people are attracted to these devices. Ok, it's not smoking, but vaping's increased presence on TV shows and in other media certainly increase the visibility (and possibly perceived acceptability) of a behaviour that for a long time was seen in a very negative light, particularly by young people. Most worryingly, smoking (or something that looks a lot like smoking) becomes 'cool' again.

So does the evidence suggest that vaping by teens is a 'gateway' to smoking? As the mother discusses in her message, it would certainly appear that there are some young people who could be vaping in an attempt to quit smoking. The research evidence in this area is mixed and both sides of the e-cigarette debate often throw the same data around to support their particular stand, which makes it even more difficult to sort through! There have been studies that suggests vaping is actually 'replacing' rather than 'encouraging' tobacco smoking amongst young people, while others have found that those who do experiment with vaping are, in fact, actually more likely to become smokers. This is usually explained by the fact that teens who experiment with vaping are more likely to be sensation-seekers, who would be more inclined to try smoking later anyway. Regardless, adolescent vaping cannot be ignored and some parents are going to find themselves faced with having to deal with finding out their teen is using one of these devices.

The one thing that all those in tobacco prevention field agree on is that whatever policy is adopted in the e-cigarette area, it should include some kind of restrictions around vaping by young people. As an excellent article written for the New York Times by Lisa Damour titled 'How to Talk With Teenagers About Vaping' states - "Vaping is generally understood to be less risky than smoking. But not vaping is healthier than vaping". She then goes onto talk through some simple strategies that parents can use in this area. Even though most use by teens appears to be experimental and regular use is rare, what is abundantly clear is that trying to prevent young people vaping is a good idea!

What's my advice for parents in this area and what did I say to the mother who sent me through the message? Firstly, I recommend parents follow how most schools are dealing with these devices - treat them just like you would any tobacco product, regardless of whether they contain nicotine or not. In most cases, parents would have outlined their expectations and values around tobacco smoking and if they then subsequently found their child with a pack of cigarettes, most would confiscate the product and roll out a consequence. You have to make the decision for yourself but as far as young people are concerned, it is most probably best to regard experimenting with smoking or vaping in the same light.

What happened in this mother's case is that she found the product, confiscated it and then made it clear to her son that such a device was not allowed in the house and then he openly defied her. Strike one! He also successfully bamboozled her with information about a product she knew nothing about and left her floundering. She was completely left on the back foot! Strike two! As I always say to parents who contact me when they have found some strange product, device or substance in their child's room, don't react before trying to find out exactly what you're dealing with! By all means remove it if you feel you need to but then do your best to try to find out all you can about what it is as quickly as possible (and don't just rely on what your teen tells you!). The best place to go in the first place is the Alcohol and Drug Information Service in your state and territory (you can find the number for where you live on the DARTA website). This is an anonymous and confidential telephone helpline manned by trained counsellors who should be able to provide you with some advice and information on whatever you may have found.

Vaping is not going to go away anytime soon and parents need to be prepared. Although smoking rates amongst young people are still at an all time low, parents continue to have discussions with their children about this issue. A friend of mine recently told me about a conversation she had with her 5-year-old daughter after she saw a 'no-smoking' sign and wanted to know what it was. When she told her, her child responded with "What's smoking?" It's a wonderful story and shows exactly how far we've come in this area. My advice is to add e-cigarettes to any discussion you may have around smoking - don't force the issue, let it come naturally - but raise it and let your child know exactly where you stand on young people and vaping.

References:
Damour, L. (2018). How to talk with teenagers about vaping. New York Times, February 14. https://ift.tt/2o5NDV6
accessed 13 April, 2018.

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If you give your teen two drinks to take to a party, is that all they're likely to drink? A group of 16-year-olds tell it from their perspective ...

Last week I got into a fairly heated discussion with some Year 11 students at a school I was visiting about a blog entry I had written about parents providing alcohol to teens to take to a party. Apparently when one of them had asked their parents to give them a couple of bottles to take to a friend's gathering (as they had a number of times before), they were told they were not going to be given any alcohol. They were then shown what I had written and told something along the lines of "Paul Dillon said ..." Now, as I've said many times before, I don't believe anyone can tell a parent what to do with their child in this area - you've got to make the decision for yourself. But when you've made that decision, whatever it is, own it! Firstly, to change your rules (i.e., provide alcohol for parties and then stop doing so for no real reason - this young man had not done anything wrong) is unfair and will undoubtedly lead to conflict. But most importantly, from my perspective, to put it all on me is totally inappropriate and, to be quite honest, demonstrates pretty poor parenting ...

Understandably, these students were not impressed! Considering what had gone down, they were incredibly respectful and polite. They could have gone on the attack but instead they just wanted to express their frustration and make it very clear to me that what I had written had affected their lives. The article they were referring to was one in which I discussed new Australian research that found that proving alcohol to young people is not protective and the best option for parents is 'delay, delay, delay'. The section that riled these students up was the claim the researchers made that "parental supply is associated with increased risk of other supply, not the reverse", i.e., if you give them alcohol, they're more likely to go and find more! They were adamant that in their case, this was simply not true - what they were given is what they drank, no more, no less!

Now I can only go by my experience over the years and what I have been told by teens about their drinking behaviour and when these research findings were released I wanted to shout the results from the rooftops! Finally we had some hard evidence that this idea of giving a 15-year-old a couple of drinks will result in them only drinking that much and could actually be 'protective' in the long-term was not true. Of course, there are always going to be some young people who do the 'right thing' and only drink what is provided but, we're dealing with teenagers and developing brains - even though they may have the best of intentions, bad decisions are likely to be made when surrounded by their peers in a party environment ... So when this group of five 16-year-olds (three young men and two young women) wanted to challenge me (and the research findings) I grabbed the opportunity to find out what they thought about this issue and what was actually happening amongst their peers.

As far as they were concerned, there were a few key points they believed that parents needed to be made aware of in terms of parental provision of alcohol. After I had taken those on board and agreed with them on most of what they said, I raised other issues and asked them to think about themselves and their peers and tell me their thoughts. To their credit they were incredibly honest and were willing to accept almost all of what I said ... I told them that I would be writing another article on the topic based on our discussion and wanted to come up with a series of key statements that they believed could assist parents to make a decision about whether or not to provide alcohol to their teen. Here are those statements, placed in order of importance according to those five young people:

• All young people are different and trying to come up with rules for teenagers as a group is unfair and is not going to work.  They felt strongly that they were often lumped into a group with kids who they felt 'did the wrong thing' and, as a consequence, their social lives were affected. A number of them felt that rules within one family could be different in some cases, with one boy believing that he and his older brother should have dramatically different rules. His brother drank to get drunk, whereas he only drank a little to socialize - the rules his parents imposed should reflect that 
• If parents want teenagers to develop into responsible adults, they need to trust them to do the right thing, particularly around alcohol.  They talked a lot about trust and how important it was that their parents trust them to make good choices. When I asked them whether they had ever lied to their parents about anything to do with alcohol and parties, it took a while but eventually all five of them said that they had ... Did they think they would lie again? All of them said they most probably would, mainly to protect their parents from knowing something that could upset them ...
• When parents do provide alcohol to teens to take to a party, some of them only drink what has been given to them, others do not. They were willing to accept that many of their friends certainly did drink far more than their parents had provided but this did not happen all of the time. It apparently depended on a range of things, including what type of party they were going to, if the teen was going to have to go home after the party or not and what other alcohol was available
• Some young people intend only to drink what has been given to them but when put into a social situation with peers can end up drinking far more. This was most probably the one statement I had difficulty getting them to agree with because all of them, particularly the young man who had initiated the conversation, insisted that they had never drunk more than had been provided. After a lot of discussion, all of them finally agreed that they had actually drunk more at least once, with a couple of them admitting to becoming quite ill as a result. The important thing they wanted to highlight was that this was not their intention (i.e., they had not meant to break their parents' trust) but it had to do with where they were and the social pressure of being around peers who were having a good time drinking more ... One girl also admitted that if she drank the two drinks she was given too quickly, she was much more likely to drink more due to her feeling a little more disinhibited
• In some cases, when parents provide low-alcohol drinks to their children, these are traded to younger teens and stronger alternatives are obtained, usually bottles of spirits.  The young men wanted to make it clear that when parents insisted on providing low-alcohol beers to 16-year-olds, they were rarely, if ever actually drunk. The girls said that it was a similar story for young women with low-alcohol pre-mixed spirits. Amongst those groups of teens who drank spirits, alcohol provided by parents was usually on-sold or traded to younger partygoers

The one thing I could not get agreement on was around the 'messages' that teenagers were likely to pick-up from their parents should they decide to provide them with alcohol. As far as these young people were concerned, the message they would be getting was that their parents trusted them enough to give them a couple of drinks. The problem was that they all admitted that they had broken that trust at some time or another and were likely to do it again. As much as trust is incredibly important in a parent-teen relationship, so is safety. Research evidence suggests that when we follow-up teens who are given alcohol by their parents the only real message that they takeaway from the experience is 'my parents gave me alcohol'. They don't report that it made for a more trusting relationship with their parent or that it taught them to drink more responsibly.

Most importantly, when these five young people were asked what other information their parents had ever given them when the alcohol was handed over to them on a Saturday night, there was almost no response. Most agreed that one or both of their parents had probably said something like "Be careful" or "Now you know that we trust you" as they got out of the car or left the house, alcohol in hand, but not one of them could remember an actual example of that type of conversation. All of these teens had, at one time or another, been provided alcohol by their parent and not one of them could think of one safety message that had ever been discussed ...

At some point you are going to have to trust your teen to do the 'right thing' around alcohol, but are you actually able to trust them to always make good choices and not make mistakes - of course not! Trust is vital in a positive parent-teen relationship but when it comes to your child's safety, it's not just that simple ...

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Coffee drinking provides more benefits than harm

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Why do parents lie to other parents? How can you keep your teen safe when those you trust to look after them don't always tell the truth?

You would expect that when you contact a parent hosting a party and ask specific questions about what will and won't be happening at that event that you would get an honest answer. As I am often told, this just simply isn't always the case!

I've talked about this issue a number of times before but since the beginning of the year I have heard from a number of Mums and Dads who allowed their teen to go to a party based on information they received from the host parents, only to find out later that what they had been told was completely untrue. Now, it is important to acknowledge that as far as alcohol is concerned, if young people want to get it into a party they are usually going to find a way, no matter what parents try to do. So if you have been told that the hosts are going to not allow alcohol at an event and then find out that one or more of the invitees has got drunk, it's important to remember that parents can only do their best ... That said, if you have been told that there will be bag searches or active supervision at a party, that is exactly what should happen. There is simply no excuse for hosts of a teen party telling an outright lie to parents of invitees. I have written about the following case in the past but it is well worth revisiting ...

A number of years ago I received an email from a distressed mother (let's call her Jane) who felt as though she had nowhere else to turn and simply wanted someone to tell her that what she was feeling was valid and absolutely warranted. The message has been edited down but the gist of the story is as she sent it through ...

"I have a 15 year-old daughter who is wonderful. She is now being regularly asked to attend parties and gatherings and having heard you speak a number of times at parent nights I allow her to go as long as I contact the host parents and make sure that I feel she is going to be safe ... Up to a month ago I have never had any problems - my daughter certainly doesn't like me calling but she knows that is the only way she is going to go so she is willing to put up with it. She was recently invited to a 16th birthday party at a friend's house (a friend I had never really heard her mention before - that should have set alarm bells ringing!) and I did my regular 'Mum thing' and asked for a phone number to call. When I finally got a number (the day before the party) I made the call and asked the questions. Will you be at the party? Will there be alcohol available? What time does it start and finish? All the usual stuff to which I got all the right answers, although thinking back on it, the mother did sound very stand-offish and didn't thank me for calling, which I nearly always get when I make contact.

I dropped my daughter off outside the house and watched her go inside and then drove off feeling pretty confident that I had done all the right things. Two hours later I had a phone call from her. She was in quite a state and wanted to be picked up (with a number of her friends) because the party had gotten completely out of control. I raced over and collected them, a number of them in tears, and found out that although I had asked specifically if the parents were going to be at the house and monitoring the party, they weren't. Instead they had left the party in the hands of their 19-year-old son who had invited a whole pile of his friends over. Alcohol was flowing (even though, once again, I had asked if alcohol was going to be available) and the police had been called. My daughter and her friends were terrified.

A couple of days later, after I had calmed down, I called the mother who I had spoken to before the party to let her know how upset I was that she had lied to me. I was told by her to "loosen up" and that there was no harm done and that she was the one who should be angry as it was her house that was trashed! She then hung up on me. Although the school was supportive when I called them they said there was nothing they could do - what happens on a Saturday night is not their issue. And even though my daughter's friends' parents were as angry as I was when I dropped them off on the night, they have told me just to let it go. I even contacted the local police and asked if there was anything they could do and although they didn't say it in so many words, once again, I was made to feel as though I was over-reacting and that this type of thing was 'normal'.

Is this normal and am I over-reacting? Is it truly okay for a parent to lie to me when I call to find out what a party will be like? I want my daughter to have fun and party with her friends but at 15 I need to know she is safe and my trust in people has now been well and truly destroyed. What do you think?"

Of course Jane was not over-reacting - if this had happened to me I would have been furious! As I said to Jane in my response, thank god she had a daughter who felt confident enough to make the phone call to ask to be picked up. Who would ever think it was appropriate to leave a 19-year-old young man to look after a girl's 16th birthday party? So many things could have gone wrong - there's issues around an ability to supervise appropriately, alcohol supply and all the risks associated with that and then of course the possibility of sexual assault.

Making that call to host parents in an attempt to find out what will be happening at a party can be extremely difficult. Your teen doesn't want you to do it ("You'll shame me forever!"), it's never easy to 'cold-call' someone you don't know and ask them questions that may seem to them as though you're questioning their parenting practices and, let's be honest, do you really have the time and energy in your busy life? It boils down to safety though - if you want to do your best to make sure your child is as safe as possible - you need to make the call! If you're going to 'bite the bullet' and do this, I believe you should never ask anymore than three questions (you don't want to turn it into the Spanish Inquisition!), plan and write them down and ensure you let your teen know what you are going to ask (there should be no surprises for them!). My suggestions for questions are as follows:

• What time does it start and what time does it finish?
• Will you be there and will you be actively supervising?
• How will you be handling the alcohol issue?

Jane did just that and she was lied to ... that's appalling behaviour on the other mother's part! It's sad but I continue to hear stories like this one from around the country where parents try to do the right thing and make the call and then get lied to ... Why would a parent lie to another about a party they are hosting? Is it that they simply want to appease the person on the other end of the phone and truly believe that nothing bad is going to happen and the parent calling will never find out about the lie? If they thought that what they were doing was right, why wouldn't they just tell the truth, justify their decisions and then allow a parent to choose whether to allow their child to attend or not? Or do they so desperately want to be their child's friend that they're willing to lie to others to ensure that as many people turn up as possible and damn the consequences? I'd love to know the psychology behind such behaviour because once you know the reason why they do it, maybe we could address it more effectively.

As already said, the only reason you are trying to access this information is to ensure you can make an informed decision about your child's safety. The good news is that as appalling as some parents' behaviour can be, many of our teens (like Jane's daughter) are able to identify when things are not right and respond appropriately, i.e., 'this is not a 'safe space', I need to call my Mum and get out of here'. As always, it comes down to the type of relationship you have with your child. Is it open and honest and do you have the type of 'connection' that ensures they feel comfortable enough to make that call when faced with this type of situation?

I totally get Jane's frustration - she was angry because even though she did everything she could, her daughter was put into a situation that was potentially dangerous and she can't find anyone to take responsibility for that. She trusted another mother to tell her the truth and then she was lied to - that's  hard to deal with. Sadly for her daughter, it most probably took a very long time before she was able to trust another parent again. The most important thing a parent can do in this type of situation is be thankful that nothing terrible happened - as I said to Jane, no-one was hurt. Grab that fact and hold it very close - so many things could have gone wrong but didn't.

Unfortunately, parents such as the one that Jane encountered are often 'serial offenders' they do this kind of thing again and again. This is shameful behaviour - they are not only putting their own children at risk but other people's as well ...

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What about France? Don't European parents provide alcohol to teens? They don't have problems with underage drinking ... or do they?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a UNSW study that found no evidence to support that parental supply of alcohol to children will 'teach them to drink responsibly' or be protective in any way. Instead, it found that this was actually "associated with subsequent binge drinking, alcohol-related harm(s) and symptoms of alcohol use disorder". Not surprisingly, some parents had huge issues with this and I received a number of emails and messages from Mums and Dads who refused to accept the findings. Now, as I wrote at the time, what you do with your child is your business and if you believe that it is appropriate to give your child a glass of wine with a meal then go ahead ... all I am trying to do is make it clear that if you are doing that because you believe there is evidence to say that this practice is likely to make your son or daughter a more responsible drinker in the future, there isn't!

A number of people who wrote to me raised the issue of France in their argument, usually going along the lines of that in that country there were few, if any, laws around underage drinking. There didn't need to be as the French had a very 'mature' attitude towards alcohol, i.e., it was often introduced in the home from a very early age, was almost always only consumed with a meal and the French did not 'drink to get drunk'. So is that actually the case? Do the French not have laws around underage drinking and has their 'laissez-faire' attitude towards alcohol protected them from the problems we have seen in countries like Australia?

In actual fact, France does have a legal drinking age, raising it from 16 to 18 years in 2009. It was raised, as the government at the time were quoted as saying, "to reduce a dangerous addiction among youths", with both drinking and purchasing ages being brought into line with most European countries. In the early 2000s, the French still viewed binge drinking as a phenomenon largely limited to those from the UK and northern Europe, particularly some of the Scandinavian countries. Then the situation began to change with the term 'le binge drinking' increasingly being used to describe the behaviour of French young people. Between 2004 and 2008 France saw the number of children under 15 admitted to hospital for drunkenness increase by 50% and alcohol-related hospital admissions for those under 24 rose by 50%.

In 2015, a study found that France's alcohol consumption had halved in the past 20 years, with just 18% of French men and 6% of women drinking on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the news was not so good for parents with 11.2% of 17-year-olds reporting drinking alcohol more than 10 times every month. Another study conducted in 2014 found that 59% of 11 to 12-year-olds had consumed alcohol, whilst 60% of 15 to 17-year-olds had been drunk at least once, and 79% of 16-year-olds claimed to have consumed alcohol within the last month. In addition, according to the European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs (ESPAD), a study of over 96,000 students across the European Union member states, spirits had become the favoured drink of French students.

To many French people this simply does not make sense - they have always had a sense of pride regarding their 'mature and sophisticated' relationship with alcohol. Many have chosen to blame the influence of visitors from other countries, particularly the UK, as causing this cultural change and that certainly may have something to do with it, but experts tend to believe that global factors such as the increasing influence of alcohol advertising and the growing link between alcohol and sport are also important things to consider.

If it isn't France that people bring up, it's Italy or Greece! What they are usually referring to is the 'Mediterranean Model', i.e., introducing alcohol to a child in a family setting with a meal. In 2009, Time Magazine wrote an article on the changing face of underage drinking in Italy. It reported that Milan had recently imposed a strict new local law that, for the first time in Italy, meant that parents of anyone underage caught drinking and anyone who supplied someone under 16 with alcohol would face punishment, with a fine of up to $700. This was as a result of a study that had found 34% of 11-year-olds have "problems with alcohol". Another national study had also found that 63% of underage youths get drunk on weekends, with boys consuming an average of four drinks per drinking session and girls consuming six.

When it comes to Greece, the ESPAD provides some frightening data regarding the alcohol use of young people from that country. In Greece, the study found that teens drink their first bottle of beer or wine at 12-13, before quickly moving to spirits (vodka, tequila, whisky) by the age of 14-15. In addition, around 9% of teenage boys and 5% of teenage girls get drunk for the first time at 13-years-old. The introduction of a glass of wine with a meal doesn't seem to be being too protective there!

Although many find it hard to accept, it is important to acknowledge that even in countries where the 'Mediterranean Model' once appeared to have been successful there are growing issues when it comes to underage drinking. Now do these countries have as significant a problem as others, including Australia? Maybe not, but to throw France, Greece and Italy into someone's face and say "these countries have got the whole underage drinking issue in hand" is just plain stupid!

Now some of you maybe asking yourself, but doesn't this guy usually go on about the growing numbers of non-drinkers amongst our young people? What about them? Well, they're certainly there - in fact, across the world we are seeing growing numbers of young people who choose not to drink, however, if they are drinkers, they are often highly problematic drinkers. They start earlier, drink a lot when they drink, which is often regularly and they are more likely to choose high-strength alcohol products such as spirits. What the research seems to be saying is that providing young people alcohol, even in cultures that traditionally were protective, does not seem to always have the desired effect ... What we are learning is that although family influence is incredibly important, there are so many other external pressures that bombard our kids from a very early age, most of which are almost impossible to control, that the potentially positive messages you are trying to send can become confused. It would appear that although you may be attempting to teach them to drink responsibly by providing them sips or a drink with a meal, what they are actually picking up from your actions (even in countries like France!) is simply 'Mum and Dad give me alcohol and they support my drinking ...' - most probably not the message you intended!

References:
EMCDDA/ESPAD(2016). ESPAD Report 2015 — Results from the European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs. Lisbon.

Israely, J. (2009). Italy Starts Cracking Down on Underage Drinking, Time, July 29, https://ift.tt/2pAfheu

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Why are we seeing so many cannabis-related school suspensions and expulsions? Use isn't increasing but attitudes are changing and teens are doing 'stupid things'. What can parents do?

Over the past 12 months I have been contacted by an extraordinary number of schools struggling to deal with cannabis. Regardless of the system - Independent, Catholic or state - it would appear that a growing number of young people are making the foolish decision to take the drug to school. Once they have brought it onto the grounds, they are either choosing to smoke it, usually with a group of friends of their own age, or are selling it, either to others in their year group or younger students. Now many people may be thinking that this is nothing new - if there was an illicit drug that was likely to be used by secondary school students, it would be cannabis. I can certainly remember cannabis being sold or supplied to others when I was at high school and I was a teen in the mid-70s - to be honest some people went to school to buy drugs at that time! But times have certainly changed and if you speak to school principals across the country, they will tell you that having to deal with a student bringing an illegal drug to school is not the norm. The vast majority of schools have not had to deal with this sort of problem for some years ... but that certainly seems to be changing ...

What is interesting is that this is occurring at a time when we are continuing to see some of the lowest rates of cannabis use amongst our young people. The most recent Australian Secondary Students Alcohol and Drug (ASSAD) survey conducted in 2014 (released in 2016) found that although cannabis continues to be the most commonly used illicit substance by students, they are about half as likely to use the drug as they were in the late 90s. Cannabis use, whether it be lifetime or recent (used in the last 12 months), has actually decreased.

If you look at the graph provided, you can see across all year groups, lifetime cannabis use has decreased dramatically since the national survey began in 1996. Now it does need to be acknowledged that amongst the older students (those aged 15 or above), use has risen slightly since 2011 - but that small increase is not enough to explain the situation we are currently seeing ... So it would appear that what we have is continuing low rates of cannabis use but those young people who are using the drug are doing so in a much more risky way. So why is this happening? Why, after so many years, are we starting to see cannabis creeping back into the schoolyard?

I believe it has to do with how we're currently talking about cannabis. There is so much talk about legalizing the drug, as well as the whole medicinal cannabis issue, that young people are 'confused' about the legality of the drug. Now, this is not an article on whether or not the drug should be legalized, or issues around medicinal cannabis - the fact is that cannabis is an illegal drug (as I always say to young people who have strong feelings about the illegality of cannabis and believe the law should be changed - if that's how you feel, do something about it! Join a group that wants the law to change - don't just moan about it and say it's not fair, get up and take action!). It is vital that we ensure young people are aware of the law and what the consequences are should they choose to break it ...

I recently found a study from Norway that attempted to examine why young people take up opportunities to use cannabis - its findings were really interesting. According to the authors, Norway has experienced a decline in cannabis use amongst young people similar to the Australian experience, however, the study found that the proportion of adolescents exposed to 'concrete use opportunities' had increased significantly. At the same time, they found the perception of cannabis-related risks were significantly lower. The authors speculated that this could be "at least partially to the intense and growing international debate concerning cannabis deregulation, which may be interpreted as evidence of its minor harms, de-stigmatization, and use normalization among young." I think we're seeing the same thing here - young people just don't see cannabis as being a particularly risky drug. Ask any teacher and they will tell you when there is any discussion around cannabis, one of the first things that is brought up is "It's a medicine, it can't be bad for you!"

The reality is that, even the pro-cannabis lobby would say that it is best to delay use of the drug for as long as possible. The evidence is pretty clear that the younger you start using the drug, the greater problems you will experience. If you want to disregard the potential physical and psychological cannabis-related harms that teens may experience, the legal and resulting social ramifications of getting caught with the drug can affect a young person's life forever. No school wants to suspend or expel students but bringing illicit drugs to school cannot be ignored ...

Going back to the study, the researchers were also able to identify three 'protective factors' that were likely to prevent those 'opportunity-exposed' young people from taking up cannabis use opportunities and to remain non-users, i.e., when they found themselves in situations where the drug was available and offered to them, they were able to refuse. They were as follows:

• if they reported that their parents knew where they spend their Saturday nights
• if they were involved in sports regularly, and
• if they perceived even minimal or occasional cannabis use to be risky

Not surprisingly, parental monitoring plays a role here with this study supporting previous research that has found the general positive effects of proactive parenting strategies and close parent-child relationships when it comes to cannabis involvement. In addition, when teens believed that there were harms associated with even occasional use, this was a barrier to potential use. If we want to delay (or even prevent) early use of cannabis, or any substance, we must ensure the information we provide to young people is honest, accurate, credible and actually means something to them.

Unfortunately, recent Canadian research has found that, for the most part, youth does not seem particularly concerned about potential cannabis risks. In a qualitative study of young people aged between 14-19 years of age, when asked about the consequences, legal ramifications were rarely mentioned. Very few "felt school presentations and learning about the health, social and legal consequences of use was enough to deter youth from trying ..". Physical risks, such as the potential smoking effects on eyes and throat were acknowledged but downplayed, however it was the psychological impacts on others that were regarded as most important. Changes in behaviour, such as lessening the ability to handle things, decreased motivation, mood swings, and the drug's capacity to make someone closed off and anti-social were raised as issues by those interviewed. Most importantly, young people reported personal experiences among their peers with worsening pre-existing mental health issues such as schizophrenia, psychosis or depression they believed were induced or aggravated by the use of the drug.

Is going down the 'mental health' road the way to go? It certainly is something that I cover when I speak about cannabis but you do have to do it carefully. Like any potential harm, you have to be careful you don't 'over-play' it. The reality is that most young people who use cannabis won't experience these problems - if you start making wild statements like 'everyone who uses cannabis will go crazy and develop a mental health problem', you're going to lose them. Many of them, however, will know someone who is experiencing problems, whether it be becoming social isolated, losing motivation, paranoia, or depression. Highlighting that if you see this in a friend you need to tell someone and get help could be a way of getting across that this is not a 'risk-free' drug.

In the past couple of months I have spoken to so many parents who are really having a tough time with their adolescent in relation to cannabis. The majority of these teens are young men, but there are certainly some young women who have also found themselves in trouble with this drug. Getting a call from the school and facing the nightmare of, at best, having a child suspended, or at worst, having them expelled or asking them to be withdrawn, must be earth-shattering, particularly if you didn't see it coming. For most parents, this is a 'one-off' thing - their child did something stupid with their mates, got caught and they won't do it again. Experimentation is a part of adolescence - that doesn't mean it can't be extremely damaging but it's what some teens will do! Unfortunately, for other parents, this will be the start of a long dark road and it's often really difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel ... As I always say, if you find yourself in the latter situation, the cannabis use is not usually the problem, but a symptom of a much greater issue that needs to be identified and dealt with. Trying to 'fix' the cannabis issue (e.g., trying to put them into rehab or the like!) without digging deeper and finding out what that underlying problem is will often result in a lot of time-wasting and can destroy families ...

As community attitudes change and we see more countries move to decriminalise and even legalise cannabis, and medicinal use of the drug becomes more widely accepted, young people's perceptions of cannabis-related risks are also changing. Adolescents are at the greatest risk when it comes to cannabis-related harms - the earlier they use, the greater the risk - so it is important to delay potential use for as long as possible. Cannabis use amongst our school-based young people is certainly not 'spiralling out of control' but something appears to be happening, with those who are using, more likely to do silly things like take it to school ... We need to try to address this quickly by ensuring that schools have rules and protocols around bringing drugs to school and that these are clearly communicated to all students. At the same time, we must make sure that cannabis prevention programs are based on best practice and that the information we provide to young people is honest, accurate and credible. Trying to 'scare' teens is not going to work but if the current research is to be believed, it is most probably the mental health consequences that are going to have the most impact on our young people. At the same time, parents need to support these messages, making sure that they also provide balanced messages in this area.

Finally, it is important to acknowledge that for most young people cannabis use will not cause significant issues, they may experiment and use once or twice and then come out at the other end relatively unscathed. Where it does become a problem, however, it is usually life-changing, affecting both the user and all those around them. Take the time to talk to your teen about cannabis - tell them your views and get an understanding about how they regard the drug. Remember those protective factors - knowing where your teen is on a Saturday night; being involved in sport (but realistically involvement in any organised activity, whether it be music, drama or whatever is likely to have a similar effect); and seeing cannabis use as potentially risky. Highlighting realistic and credible cannabis-related risks in a conversation with your child is likely to be helpful ... remember, even though you may think your words may not have an effect, research shows you were their first teacher and will always be an important influence in their lives, even through those difficult teenage years ...

References:
Andreas, J.B. & Bretteville-Jensen, A.L. (2017). Ready, willing and able: the role of cannabis use opportunities in understanding adolescent cannabis use. Addiction 112, 1973-1982.

McKiernan, A. & Fleming, K. (2017). Canadian Youth Perceptions on Cannabis, Ottawa, Ontario: Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse. (PDF downloadable version)

White, V. & Williams, T. (2016). Australian secondary school students’ use of tobacco, alcohol, and over-the counter and illicit substances in 2014. Cancer Council Victoria.

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How do you best handle the 'alcohol issue' at an 18th birthday when there will be many underage young people present?

The 18th birthday is now a far more important event than it once was. For many of us it was the 21st birthday that was the major celebration and our entry into true adulthood but that has now changed, with many teens in their last year of school insisting they need a 'party to end all parties' to mark this major milestone. It certainly makes sense in many ways - they are now officially 'adults', they can vote, drink alcohol legally and no longer be regarded as 'underage' ... Unfortunately, any parent who decides to agree to an 18th birthday has to navigate through the 'alcohol issue' and try to work out how best to deal with a group of young people, some of whom are now legally able to drink alcohol (including their son or daughter) and other underage partygoers who are not ...

When I'm asked by parents for advice in this area, I have to be honest and tell them that if they can possibly get out of holding such an event, that's most probably the best option! Promising your son or daughter an even better 19th birthday party is a great way to go, but not surprisingly, the offer is rarely taken up! The major problem with this issue is that no parent wants to embarrass their teen and insist on rules and boundaries that apparently no-one else imposes, but there are some important legal issues to consider in this area.

We now have 'secondary supply' laws across all states and territories which means it is against the law to 'provide' under 18s with alcohol in private settings without parental consent. What does this mean in a practical sense and how does it affect 18th birthdays? The WA Department of Racing, Gaming and Liquor have provided a series of FAQs on secondary supply laws and I have included a few of these below:

Q: What if a 17-year-old attends the 18th birthday party of a friend and the person whose party it is supplies the 17-year-old with alcohol?
A: The 18-year-old will need consent to do so from the 17-year-old’s parent or guardian – failure to obtain consent will make the 18-year-old liable for at $10,000 fine.

Q: I am having a party at home for my son's 18th birthday and some of the people attending will be under 18 years of age, is it okay for me to give them alcohol if they have a note from one of their parent's giving permission for them to drink alcohol?
A: Yes, provided that you are satisfied that the note has been provided by each juvenile's parent or guardian and not another person (for example a sibling).

Q: I am having a small gathering at my home for my daughter's 18th birthday, a few of her friends haven't turned 18 yet; is it okay for me to serve them alcohol if one of their parents rings me and gives their permission over the phone or provides permission by text message?
A: Yes, but again, provided that you are satisfied that the person you have spoken to, or received the text message from, is each juvenile's parent or guardian.

Q: My daughter is having her 18th birthday party at home, one of her 17-year-old friends told me that her mother had given her permission to drink alcohol, is it okay for me to give her a drink in my house?
A: No. You must obtain the permission from the parent or guardian.

The laws are slightly different in each jurisdiction (e.g., fines imposed for the offence and the definition of 'provide' or 'supply' can vary) but around provision of alcohol at 18th birthdays, they're all pretty much the same. Host parents have to either receive consent from the parents or guardians of those underage attendees, allowing them to drink alcohol, or do their best to ensure that those young people don't drink at all! Neither of those are going to be easy and one of them is likely to cause friction between you and your teen. So let's take a quick look at these two options and the problems associated with each of them ...

If you decide to go down the path of obtaining permission for those underage partygoers to drink,  there is an additional legal responsibility that comes with that choice. This is best explained by another of the questions from the WA Government site:

Q: If I have the permission of a parent to supply alcohol to my son's friend who is still 17 years old, are there any legal responsibilities that I have to be aware of?
A: The new laws require that if you a supplying alcohol to a juvenile you must observe responsible supervision practices at all times; including making sure juveniles don't get drunk (or you do not get drunk yourself) and that you are able to supervise the consumption of alcohol at all times.

So not only do you have to make sure you have received consent where appropriate, you also have to ensure that you are "able to supervise the consumption of alcohol at all times". Ask any licensee and they will tell you that's difficult when you have trained bar staff, CC-TV and security on every door in the venue - it's going to be almost impossible for a parent hosting an 18th birthday party!

I've talked about 'active supervision' before and as far as 18th birthdays are concerned I believe it should involve the following:

• be there, right in the thick of it - don't plonk yourself in the middle of a group of teens and just stand there! Find reasons for being there, such as carrying food around ... Always consider your teen here as well - do this in an oppressive way and he or she will be mortified and rightly so but those attending are now truly young adults, have a conversation with them if it's appropriate. There can still be a fine line between 'being there' and 'lurking' - try not to cross it!
• move around - most probably the biggest mistake parents make in this area is to position themselves in one place, justifying their decision by stating that the partygoers will know where to find them if something goes wrong. Having adults regularly moving through the space ensures that all those attending be a little more careful about what they are doing and may be more likely to monitor their drinking a little more carefully
• talk to those attending - the best way to know what is going on at a party is to talk to as many teens as possible. This should not be intrusive and don't try to be cool - kids can see through that in seconds! Be yourself - ask them how they're going, if they're having a good time and the like. Not only does this help you to get to know your child's friends a little better but it also helps you gauge how the party is going and monitor alcohol consumption
• most importantly, stay  sober! There is no way that you are able to effectively monitor a houseful of 17 and 18-year-olds if you have been drinking yourself ... 

What about the other option? What if you decide to state clearly that those under the age of 18 will not be able to drink alcohol at the party? This is also not easy (I told you offering a 19th birthday is a better option!) but I have to say, many parents have found ways of making it work. I very much doubt whether all of the underage partygoers actually remained 'alcohol-free' in these cases, but at least the host parents did their best ... Here are some of the ways other parents have navigated through this issue:

• the trust option - this appears to work best when parents have a strong relationship not only with their son or daughter, but also their friends. It's also much more likely to be successful at smaller parties or gatherings. Alcohol is provided for those who are 18 or over but the invitation states clearly that due to legal issues, the host parents will be asking those who are underage not to drink. Many may be surprised to find out that this can often work - the hosts putting the responsibility back onto the young people and they respond accordingly ... 
• the wristband system - another popular method of trying to control who is able to drink alcohol or not. Parents using this system have to be organised, usually creating a guest list that separates those who are 18 or over from those who are not. When partygoers arrive they are issued a wristband indicating which group they are in. In my experience, this does not always work well and is regarded by many of the young people I have spoken to as 'restrictive' and 'too controlling'. That said, I have spoken to many parents who have used this option and have found it to be successful - once again, it has so much to do with the parent-child relationship 
• a bar service where proof-of age has to be given before alcohol is served - I now know of a couple of parents who have used this option and from what they have said, it worked well. It's based on what would happen at a bar or club if you wanted to drink alcohol. There is no BYO and attendees are informed on the invitation that there will be trained bar staff present who will be serving alcohol to those 18 years or over - proof of age will be required. No spirits are allowed, you can only collect one drink at a time and because alcohol is only available from the bar, levels of intoxication can hopefully be monitored. An interesting option ...
• hold the event on licensed premises - this is the one I often suggest to parents who are really struggling in this area. If you hold an 18th birthday on a licensed premises, even if a parent wants to give consent for their teen to drink, they can't - it is an offence. All those who are 18 or over are able to drink and establishing proof-of-age is no longer your responsibility. The licensee must monitor the young people coming to the party and they also have to ensure that no-one on their premises drinks to the point of intoxication. It's a 'win-win'! This can be an expensive option and some young people don't like it because of the restrictions that will be placed on some of their friends but it does tick all the boxes for a parent!

So there it is - whether you choose to allow those who are underage to drink alcohol at an 18th or you try to prevent it from happening, neither way is going to be particularly easy. Regardless of what you do, involve your teen in the organization process and let them see what actually goes on when putting on such an event. As already said, the success of the event will usually depend on the relationship you have with your son and daughter ...Whatever decision you make, you want a celebration like this to bring you together and certainly not tear you apart!

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Why would teens use some of these more 'unusual' substances? How are they accessing them and why would they decide to use them at school?

A couple of weeks ago, many Australian readers of this blog would have seen reports of an 'overdose' incident at a Gold Coast school. Now I need to make it clear that I do not have any connection with that school and I have not been privy to what actually occurred on that day - I only have media reports to rely on, which as we all know are not always entirely accurate. Regardless, it would appear that we can be quite certain of some basic facts, i.e., a group of Year 10 boys took a substance (with Queensland Police confirming that it was Phenibut later in the week) to school and then made a decision to use it while on school grounds. They then had an adverse reaction to the drug with seven of them being taken to hospital, four reportedly in a critical condition. All of the boys have now recovered and according to media reports, have been expelled from the school.

Without a doubt this would have to be one of the most bizarre stories regarding school-based young people that I have ever been asked to comment on ... When I was first asked to be interviewed I asked for a little time to check up that what I was being told by the journalist was actually true! There were (and still are) so many questions about this incident, including the following:

• why would young men mess around with such a bizarre drug?
• how did they find out about the drug?
• did they have any idea about the risks involved with using the substance?
• where did they get it from and are there many other young people experimenting with it?
• why did they decide to use the drug at school?

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that groups of young people experimenting with 'weird and wacky' substances is not unusual. In some of the interviews I was asked if I had heard about this kind of 'mass overdose' situation before. As I said, there are quite a few examples of such events over the past 25 years, but they usually involved easily accessible household products (e.g., sniffing aerosol cans) or pharmaceutical drugs, usually mixed with alcohol. There have also been a number of cases of naturally-occurring hallucinogens causing similar problems. I pride myself on usually having my 'finger on the pulse' when it comes to what young people are doing and I've never been greatly surprised by the overdoses of the past, but this one floored me ...

Hardly a week goes past without a young person either asking me a question, either face-to-face or via email, about some new drug, Phenibut however, had never been discussed. So what is it and why would teens want to experiment with it?

Phenibut is a depressant, slowing down the central nervous system, and is approved in Russia, Ukraine, and Latvia for the treatment of, amongst other things, insomnia and anxiety. It is not approved or available as a medication in most other countries of the world, including Australia, but is sold online as a "nutritional supplement". Although you can find online discussion about the product in chat rooms dealing with drug use, it is on YouTube that the drug is really promoted. Videos with titles such as 'My Phenibut Review – What You Can Expect And What It Feels Like', 'Beginner's Guide To Phenibut' and 'The Ultimate Phenibut Dosage Guide' can all be found there and are easily accessible to young people.

What is interesting is that the majority of people featured in these videos are older, they're certainly not teenagers. Many of the YouTube videos tout the product as an effective treatment for anxiety, some have bodybuilders promoting it is a useful supplement, supposedly stimulating growth hormone, while others claim it is a 'smart drug', useful in helping you prepare for an exam. Other videos discuss the euphoric effect of the drug, similar to that of GHB, a drug also known as 'fantasy' or 'liquid ecstasy' - a drug very well-known in this country for its links to mass overdoses at dance festivals over the years. So, in terms of why young people would experiment with this substance, the answer is most probably its supposedly 'euphoric' effects, although Erowid (one of the best sources of drug information available) states that it is likely to cause a "feeling of wellbeing, relaxation, slight disinhibition comparable to the effects of low-dose alcohol". Not really a ringing endorsement for a substance!

When it comes to access to this drug, all you need to do is to type 'Buy Phenibut' into a Google search and you will find a range of sites that will allow you to purchase the so-called 'nutritional supplement'. This is not a product that you have to search the so-called 'dark web' for - it truly is just a couple of clicks away! Worryingly, I'm starting to see more young people who are accessing pharmaceutical drugs in exactly the same way (particularly Xanax - a drug that I'm being asked more and more about in recent times) - finding online pharmacies that are extremely easy to access that are more than happy to provide a wide range of medications.

But then we come to the real question that I am still struggling with - why would these young men make the decision to experiment with this drug at school? To be quite honest, if they hadn't and had used the product at home and had had a similar reaction, they may not have been found and there could have been truly tragic consequences. That said, it is highly unusual for young people to experiment in this way on school property. All of the other 'mass overdose' incidents involving teens and 'strange substances' I can remember usually took place on a weekend in homes, parks or bushland. Now, if you're thinking teens, particularly young men, have always played around with drugs like cannabis at school, that would be true - it was once an issue - but it hasn't been for some time. Recently, however, we have seen this starting to become much more of an issue, with growing numbers of schools having to deal with students bringing and using cannabis at school, leading to far more suspensions and expulsions than I have seen for many years.

So why is there this change? Why are young people appearing to be increasingly more likely to take the risk of bringing an illicit drug like cannabis or one of these more 'unusual' substances like Phenibut into schools? This simply makes no sense at all - the chance of them getting caught is much greater and the consequences of having drugs in your possession on school property are very clear. If we look at it purely from a physiological perspective, we need to remind ourselves of how a teenage brain works and why they take risks ... Young people don't take part in risky behaviour because they want to hurt themselves and it's not that they don't understand the dangers - it's just that they weigh risk versus reward differently. As one academic has been quoted as saying - "they don't downgrade the risk, they give more weight to the payoff." This reward increases when around their peers - that is why you usually see groups of young men, not individuals, taking part in such activity.

So why is this all of a sudden a greater problem, haven't teen brains have always been the same? I wish I knew ... certainly many of the schools I work with are really struggling with how to deal with this potentially dangerous behaviour. Interestingly, it appears we are seeing more drugs being brought into schools at a time when current research shows us that drug use is actually decreasing amongst school-based young people. For some reason, even though less teens are using illicit drugs, those who are using them are doing more stupid things ... Let's just hope that we don't see a tragedy as a result ...

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Why do parents make the decision to let their teen drink? Is underage drinking 'inevitable' and will providing it be 'protective'?

I've written many times about why parents make the decision to let their teen drink. At a time when we know so much more about the risks associated with teenage drinking and the message we keep sending is 'delay, delay, delay', it is surprising that so many parents buckle and allow their child to drink, sometimes at a very young age. Now, if you believe providing alcohol to your child is the 'right thing to do' - that is your decision and no-one has the right to tell you to do otherwise ... but if you do not feel comfortable with doing this, then 'stick to your guns'! From what I see, the major reason for this behaviour, particularly from those parents who swore till they were blue in the face that they would never do it, is parental peer pressure, i.e., the belief that they're the only ones saying 'no'!

A few weeks ago I gave a presentation at a Parent Information Evening that was piggy-backed onto an Information Night for Year 10 parents. We had a huge turnout and there were many parents who wanted to speak to me afterwards, mostly about their concerns around parties and alcohol. At one point I was speaking to a mother who was trying to cope with a very forceful daughter who wanted to take alcohol to parties. She asked for my advice and I simply turned the question around and said "Do you feel comfortable giving alcohol to your 15-year-old daughter to take to a party?" There was an immediate and very strong "Absolutely not!" in reply. She then quickly added "But I'm the only one who feels like that, all the other parents allow it ..."

Luckily, there was a line of other Mums and Dads behind her and I asked them whether there was one of them who allowed their son or daughter to take alcohol to a party (remember they were all parents from the same year group). Not one of them said that they did ... There were at least 10 parents in the group and when I suggested they talk and support each other in this area their response was priceless. Almost in unison they turned around and said "But we're the only ones, everyone else does!" Really? Even if every other parent in the year did provide alcohol (which I highly doubt!), there were at least 10 of them that didn't ... couldn't they use that to their advantage?

But what does the research say? Why do parents let their teens drink? I recently came across a US qualitative study that attempted to tease out some of those reasons (Friese et al, 2012). It attempted to try to find out under what circumstances parents allowed their teen to drink at home, so it's important to note that this is not about providing alcohol for parties. None of the findings are particularly surprising but what was really interesting was that two-thirds of those interviewed (69%) indicated that they did not think it was a good idea to allow their teen to drink at home, with their initial response being that they did not condone underage drinking. However, during the interview it became obvious that they all had exceptions!

So what were those exceptions? These are the reasons that Friese and her colleagues identified:

• drinking on special occasions - this included family celebrations such as weddings, birthdays, holidays and family vacations. Parents said that they felt "more comfortable allowing their teenager to drink when their family was around them". Holidays such as Christmas and New Year were also identified as times when teens were allowed to drink. An interesting one was family vacation, with parents allowing drinking in locations where it was more accepted, such as Europe. Teen's safety and the parents' ability to monitor their child were identified by the researchers as the reason parents allowed drinking at these times
• teaching drinking practices - this is an 'oldie but a goodie'! The idea that letting them drink with you will teach teens how to drink responsibly, including how to drink in moderation and how to appreciate certain types of alcohol. This is also linked to the idea of 'demystifying' alcohol - removing the 'forbidden fruit'
• drinking to preserve traditions - in this US study, this was identified in parents of Latin American or European backgrounds. These referenced their childhoods and the drinking culture in their family, with some believing that it had influenced their behaviour and taught them to drink more responsibly
• parents feeling pressure to let their teens drink - some identified situations where another adult offered their child alcohol without their consent or simply felt pressure to let them drink. Some of these parents identified their partners as overruling them in this area, or other family members offering alcohol to their child at family celebrations. Having older teens was also seen as making withholding alcohol from younger children more difficult
• parents' belief that underage drinking is inevitable - more than half of those interviewed held this view - it was simply going to happen and there was nothing a parent could do about it!
• fear of harming their relationship with their teen - others feared that being too strict in this area could have negative consequences. One parent compared alcohol to the 'sex issue' saying "If you put in a rule that's really firm, it's not realistic." She stressed that the best she could hope for was that her son would use good judgment if he drank
• harm reduction - once again, roughly half of the parents saw drinking as inevitable and wanted to offer advice and approaches on how to stay as safe as possible. Creating a safe place for open discussion appeared to be important to parents

As already said, there really aren't too many surprises here - most of the parents I speak to who have let their teen drink would usually identify one or more of these as the reason for their decision. All of these are valid and, as a parent, if you choose to let your teen drink alcohol, no-one has the right to tell you to do otherwise. Recent research, however, challenges some of the basic ideas behind some of these:

• underage drinking is not inevitable - the latest statistics show that we have more non-drinkers amongst our school-based young people than we have seen since national data started to be collected. Growing numbers of young people have never consumed alcohol (rising from one in 10 in 1999 to one in three in 2014). The old chestnut of 'everyone will do it' is simply not true. Of course, lots of them will experiment and many will end up drinking regularly but let's not forget those that don't, won't and never have! When parents throw their hands up and give in, instead of supporting those young people who are making the tough decisions, they really are letting their child down ...
• giving them alcohol will not necessarily teach them to drink responsibly and is not 'protective'. A longitudinal study from UNSW released in January (Mattick et al, 2018) followed 2000 children and parents over a 6-year period through their adolescence and found that as far as parental supply of alcohol was concerned, there was "no evidence of any benefit or protective effect, either directly … or indirectly". It didn't protect from problems in the future, instead, providing alcohol to children was "associated with subsequent binge drinking, alcohol-related harm(s) and symptoms of alcohol use disorder". Most importantly, the idea that when you give teens alcohol "you'll know how much they're drinking" was also found to be false. The research found that parental supply "is associated with increased risk of other supply, not the reverse", i.e., if you give them alcohol, they're more likely to go and find more!

I'm sure that some people believe that I am some sort of wowser and that I'm 'anti-alcohol' - I'm really not, I really couldn't care what adults do in terms of drinking. It's a legal product and you can do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone else ... Why I try to challenge parental beliefs in this area is that I meet an extraordinary number of school-based young people that have had the most terrible things happen to them when they have gone out on a Saturday night and messed around with a product that they simply don't have the maturity or brain development to deal with. Senseless violence, sexual assaults, horrific accidents and falls, and children as young as 13 being placed on life-support because they've stopped breathing after drinking so much are just some of the things I have seen ... I challenge anyone to not change their views about the provision of alcohol to teens after speaking to a 15-year-old girl tell you that she was sexually assaulted when drunk, usually after her parents gave her a couple of drinks to take to a party or she went to an event where alcohol was permitted or tolerated ... I can tell you, it's a devastating experience!

You have to make the decision about what you do around the provision of alcohol to your child. Make sure that whatever you do it is based on the best information possible. Underage drinking is not inevitable - far from it - and research has found that it's not protective and does not necessarily teach them how to drink responsibly in the future! And remember, no matter what your child says, you're not the only one who makes the decisions you do!

Reference

Friese, B., Grube, J., Moore, R., & Jennings, V. (2012). Parents' rules about underage drinking: A qualitative study of why parents let teens drink.Journal of Drug Education 42, 379-391.

Mattick, R. P., Clare, P. J., Aiken, A., Wadolowski, M., Hutchinson, D., Najman, J., Slade, T., Bruno, R., McBride, N., Kypri, K., Vogl, L., & Degenhardt, L. (2018). Association of parental supply of alcohol with adolescent drinking, alcohol-related harms, and alcohol use disorder symptoms: a prospective cohort study. Lancet, published Online January 25, 2018 http://ift.tt/1aeEb18 S2468-2667(17)30240-2.

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