Living Consanguinamorously - What About Roles?

Q: In a consanguinamorous relationship, what happens to the biological roles?

This is sometimes asked as “Do they still see themselves as siblings (or parent/child, etc.)?” or various other questions.

A (Short): It depends. Every situation has some differences from others.

A (Long): One of the questions usually asked in the exclusive interviews featured on this blog is that very question. Consanguineous lovers are asked if they see each other primarily as lovers or as family or if those things are inseparable. Hopefully in any relationship, people see each other as people first and foremost.

Relationships come in many varieties.

There a reunion cases in which the individuals didn’t know about each other until they were well into adulthood, and there are relationships between family members who have always been close and always in each other’s life, and everything in between.

There are relatives who only occasionally have sex, casually hooking up with each other alone or in situations involving group sex or swinging, and there are relatives deeply in love in monogamous or polyfidelitous lifelong spousal romances, and there’s everything in between.

That there is such diversity in situations and diversity in individuals means that some are going to see each other more in their familial roles most of the time, and others who are going to see each other primarily as lovers most of the time, and some who drift back and forth, and some who tend to see each other as both most of the time. If a couple has lost the rest of their family (or never had any others) or has moved to where people don’t know of their relation in order to live openly as a couple, they familial roles may be significantly reduced, but out of practicality and being free of the expectations of others.

People who are consanguinamorous in their orientation and in a sexually active relationship are going to tend to see both at the same time, as in “This is my brother and my lover” or “This is my mother and my lover”, etc. Conversely, people who are primarily in a “family-with-benefits” situation may only focus on the lover role at the appointed times or in a designated room of the home.

Something many people in consanguinamorous relationships experience is something described as “double love” or a “double bond.” One is not replaced by the other, but rather added to. They love each other as family and as partners, and the combination is very powerful. Contrary to the Discredited Argument that consanguinamory will ruin a family relationship, it can actually improve them significantly.

Some ethical nonmonogamists (and even some monogamists have picked up on it) point out that people can “design their own relationships.” Rather than letting other people or the culture at large tell them how they should live out their relationships, they have found that they can best be happy and functional mutually negotiating what is best for them. This can refer to everything from sex to sleeping arrangements to living together or not to when they will share meals, what activities they will do together as a couple, what they will do with others, on and on it goes. Likewise, consanguinamorists can decide what their boundaries and how their roles will be lived out.

If you have experience with consanguinamory, what have been your thoughts, feelings, and agreements on this? Comment below. You can do so anonymously.