People in polyamorous relationships are everywhere, as are people in consanguinamorous relationships, though consanguinamorists are usually closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. And sometimes, people in what amounts to a polyamorous consanguinamorous marriage are willing to be interviewed. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.
The people interviewed below should be free to decide whether or not to legally marry, yet they could be harassed, persecuted, imprisoned, and stripped of their children if they were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.
Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights? Please note that as usual, names have been changed to prevent the innocent from being persecuted.
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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourselves.
Tabitha: The three of us live together in a city in the UK at the moment, although ethnically, I am from Eastern Europe. I moved here as a child. I'm working in an office not far from our home.
My partners are a British couple, and while Natalie is a stay at home mother, John works at the same place as me.
They are the only siblings of their family, and I am an only child. They currently have a 7-year-old son, 5-year-old daughter and twin 1-year-olds. I'm pregnant with my first child, by John. John is 29. Natalie and I are both 27.
FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married?
Tabitha: None of us have had any kind of wedding, but we'd definitely like to have one in the future. We are, however, 'living as married' and have exchanged promise rings together. There was no ceremony, though.
FME: How would you describe your gender(s)? How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, what? Are you a monogamist, polyamorist, or....?
Tabitha: I'm a pansexual, panromantic, polyamorist cisgender woman.
Natalie: I'm a bisexual, biromantic, cisgender woman. I originally believed I was monogamous, but I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I don't think I would be with anyone else though, so I consider myself flexibly monogamous, willing to make exceptions.
John: I'm straight, cis, poly.
FME: You currently live with...?
Tabitha: Each other, as well as their children.
FME: This is a polyamorous triad between a woman and a brother and sister? Are the brother and sister full blood siblings, half siblings, adopted siblings, or stepsiblings?
Natalie: We're full blooded siblings, raised together from birth.
FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? Were alternative lifestyles/sex discussed in your family, and if so, how? Can you describe your sexual awakening? When and how did you realize your sexual orientation? Is polyamory your relationship orientation or simply a preference or just something that works with the three of you?
Tabitha: I think my childhood was relatively normal, besides being a foreign child. I grew up with both my parents and they were reasonably open about sex and lifestyles, in the respect that they answered any questions I raised and supported me when I was questioning/coming out, though I don't really recall the details. I'm polyamorous as an orientation.
Natalie: We were also raised by our parents, but they were very religious and conservative. When we began exploring with one another in our early teens, we kept it under wraps. I think our sexual awakenings took place during the early stages of our exploration, but I didn't realize I was bisexual, and my brother not realize he was polyamorous, until much later, as adults.
In my case, polyamory isn't an orientation, and only works with my current partners. However, everyone else here is polyamorous as an orientation.
FME: When/how did sexual affection become a part of your relationship(s)? How did this triad form?
Natalie: My brother and I have been active and exploring sexually since we were young. It was a process that led to us falling in romantic love, too. Later, when he wanted to explore with polyamory, unsure of his relationship orientation, I was hesitant, but agreed so long as he was okay with me exploring my bisexuality, which I was unsure of at the time. In our case, there was no clear initiator, but within the triad, I would say my brother initiated, as he began exploring with his friend Tabitha and later invited her to join us, then we all began dating.
FME: Can you describe your feelings during those processes and events?
Tabitha: It was a happy time for me, as I'd had a crush on John, my long term friend, for awhile, and while I hadn't met his sister yet, I knew I was polyamorous and pansexual, so it was good to get to date him, and to explore properly for the first time since coming out.
Natalie: I was nervous at first, but became happier as I became more comfortable. It was confusing to start exploring more, but it was also pretty exciting.
John: Difficult to describe, but looking back, I think it was a wonderful time.
FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?
Natalie: I never considered it possible prior to beginning a relationship, sexual and later romantic, with my brother. We were conservatively raised and the subject was kept away from us. I don't recall feelings for other relatives.
John: No, I didn't think about it, but now I think if I had, we would have been together sooner. Don't think I could feel this way or do this with any other members of our family, though.
FME: How do you describe the sex/lovemaking now? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic?
Natalie: To me, it feels very natural, as though we fit together perfectly. Perhaps that's just because I've been with my brother for so long though.
John: I agree. It's also special though, in a way I can't really describe.
FME: Is sex or sleeping arrangements generally scheduled? If it happens unscheduled, is there someone who usually initiates more than the others? Is the sex and/or sleeping arrangements always, sometimes, or never one-on-one?
Tabitha: Sometimes scheduled, sometimes not. Natalie is the general initiator out of all of us, but when it's just me and John, he tends to initiate. Again, sometimes it's one-on-one, sometimes not.
We all share a bed every night regardless of sex. Unless one of the children is ill or can't sleep or needs to be with a parent.
FME: Describe your relationship now. Is this a marriage, a union, girlfriends and boyfriend, what? Are the siblings more like spouses or siblings-with-benefits or something else? Do the siblings see each other as family or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?
Tabitha: We're not married, but we are cohabiting and our relationship is spousal. John and Natalie have been together since early teen years. I joined them 8 years ago, and now we all live together.
Natalie: I think that the roles are inseparable, since we've been family and lovers for such a long time.
John: Agreed.
FME: Is this triad closed or are there any of you open to new partners?
Tabitha: Our relationship is closed.
FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy?
Tabitha: The three of us are all fully out to each other, our parents, and the children only in order to protect ourselves. My parents were wonderfully supportive, although unfortunately my mother passed away recently, but my father continues to support us.
To protect ourselves, John and Natalie's children, who, at home, refer to us all as their parents, refer to me as their mother and Natalie as their aunt in public, such as when we go to pick them up from school, etc. It makes it easier as they look related, and "incest" isn't legal here. And technically, it's true.
FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think polyamorous and/or consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers or monogamy?
Tabitha: The discrimination and lack of ability to marry and to all be recognized as parents as we're raising children together are disadvantages, but other than that, I'd say it's an equal relationship to any other. It's down to orientation and/or choice.
Natalie: I do think there's an added bonus to the sibling relationship, but not really in a way I can describe.
John: Having a poly relationship does feel like I have double love. And being with my sister is of course special.
FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the others (and that you can’t truly consent)?
Tabitha: I'd like to ask people for a true reason. All the reasons I've heard against polyamory and consanguinamory have been biased and badly backed up. I'd like an actual, intellectual debate for once, rather than someone repeating their argument that "it's immoral."
Natalie: I don't think my relationship is anything to do with anyone else, so I'd like to tell them to mind their own business.
John: Agreed. We hurt no one.
FME: How are the children?
Natalie: Our children are all perfectly healthy.
FME: What would you say to something who says polyamorous people or siblings shouldn't be allowed to have children?
Tabitha: Why not? Who is it hurting? John and Natalie's children, also in a way my children, and my unborn baby are all so far healthy, so who are we hurting? The only people who shouldn't be allowed to have children are those who abuse them.
FME: Aside from the law, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?
Tabitha: No, nothing.
FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or is this a different kind of relationship than that?
Tabitha: Considering that our relationship is already spousal, I think marriage would be the final wonderful thing to cement our relationship.
John: Yes, I'd want to marry them both.
FME: What advice do you have for someone who wants to be with two siblings? What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a sibling?
Tabitha: Talk to them about it, and don't let society put you off. Just explain your feelings as you would with a normal crush and take it from there.
FME: What advice do you have for someone who thinks they might be polyamorous or thinks they want a polyamorous relationship? What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?
Tabitha: Explore if you need to to discover your relationship orientation. As for knowing about someone else's consanguineous feelings, leave them be and they'll come out to you when they're ready. Please don't make them feel uncomfortable by bringing it up prematurely.
FME: Have you met in-person or do you know anyone else who has experience with consanguinamory or consanguineous sex that you know of? Would you like to join a free online forum where you can remain anonymous and discussing things with others involved in consanguinamory?
Natalie I've never met any other families like ours, and I'm glad safe communities for them exist, but I'm quite private and would prefer not to discuss our relationship often. I may check the forum out and see though.
John: Apparently, I'm a "technophobe," so I probably won't join the forum or anything, but I have spoken a couple of times with an acquaintance who was involved with a relative.
FME: Any plans for the future?
Tabitha: Well, we'll see once the baby is born, but for now, just continuing with our lives I imagine.
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Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, living as though they are married, and yet they have to stay closeted and can't even exercise their basic human right to marry, even though they are living as spouses and raising children.. They are happy and in love, yet they are denied that fundamental right to marry.
Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.
You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.
If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.
If you are concerned about pregnancies between close relatives, read this.If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.
Thank you to Tabitha, Natalie, and John for doing this interview! We wish you well in your polyamorous consanguinamorous marriage and your parenthood.
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