Below, you will meet "Jane Doe." She's an adult and should be free to decide for herself whether to marry and with whom she should get married. She longs to restore romance to a relationship in which the romance was ended because they faced discrimination and prejudice for their love, and had to hide the truth from everyone in their life. They weren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied in the full measure of their love and be denied their rights?
Read the interview below and see for yourself what Jane has to say. You may think her relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should adult lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?
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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.
Jane Doe: I'm just an average sort of person, I've worked in normal kind of jobs and earned an average sort of wage. I'm reasonably attractive but not exactly what you'd call model material, and I'm in my early 30s. As for hobbies, I like online games and video games, just to chill out for a couple of hours. I've never been married.
FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?
Jane: Heterosexual, monogamist and consanguinamorous. I've had exsanguineous relationships, too, of course, but it just never felt right for me because it feels incomplete without the family bond being there too.
FME: You currently live with...?
At the moment, I am a single mum of one and I'm the only adult living there.
FME: You are in a romantic & sexual relationship with your biological father?
Not now, but I used to be in a romantic and sexual relationship with my dad. We broke up a few years back out of fear of being discovered, and because he had it in his head that we were doing something "wrong" by being together, a feeling I do not share. We were happy, we were compatible and very much in love. It's just a shame that my dad never got over the taboo enough to stay with me.
FME: What kind of relationship did you have while you were growing up? What was family life like? What was your childhood like?
I'd say my childhood was pretty average really, good bits and bad bits as any normal family. There was a lot of arguing and hostility between my parents and they really should have had a divorce because it often made a bad atmosphere for a day or two after an argument. On the whole, they were normal parents except for their marital problems. I always spent more time with my dad than with my mum because my mum and I never really got along all that well; a personality clash I guess. It was a shame, but you cannot force a person to like you and get along with you.
FME: Do you have any children together, and if so, how are they?
No, we were always very very careful about contraception because we feared genetic defects. I did have a child with another man after my dad I broke up. I broke up with this other man after a couple of years, though, because the relationship had gone sour and I didn't want to repeat my parents' mistakes and bring my child up in the middle of constant bickering.
FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship with your father? Was it a sudden event or a gradual process? Did you know ahead of time it was going to turn sexual or was it more spontaneous? Is it clear who made the first move?
Well, I remember the first day I saw him in that light because I remember thinking, "Why couldn't more blokes be just like him, easy to get along with, approachable, chilled out?" We just understood each other on so many levels. It took a few weeks before we kissed for the first time, and that was completely spontaneous, but I think on some level we both knew what was happening between us. It only took a couple of months after that for us to become full sexual partners. As for who made the first move, we both did, it was something that just happened.
FME: Can you describe your feelings during that?
I was trying to get my head around my feelings, because at the time I thought that we might have been wrong or perverted or something, although it certainly didn't feel that way. It's only since I've been able to speak to other people on the Internet that I've realized that my feelings and thoughts were normal and common. It was a confusing time to say the least. I wanted to be like everyone else and be able to tell people that I'd found the right guy, but with him being my dad, that was impossible. It was awful having to bottle so much up, because I was excited about the new relationship and over the moon happy. Ever tried to suppress happy? It's not easy. I knew he was my one.
FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? Do you, or have you had feelings like this for any other close family members whether they are genetic relatives or not? Any prior experience with family?
Before it happened, I'd actually internalized society's expectations and views, without even realizing that I'd done so. I just assumed that only screwed up people would do such a thing, and never did I suspect I was a likely candidate for such an experience. Needless to say, when things began to move in that direction, I soon changed my attitude. In every other respect we're normal people and I think this could potentially happen to anyone if they are capable of feeling attraction towards a family member. I feel some attraction towards my uncle, too. He's just unbelievably attractive... at least I think so, but he is happily married with small children and I would never want to break up their home, so I won't even go there.
FME: How would you describe the lovemaking when you most recently were active with each other? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic? Some people say familial eroticism is inherently kinky, but I have found that for many it doesn't feel kinky.
Got to say the sex was incredible, not because of any kinkiness, but because our bond was so strong. It was almost like our souls merged; it was that deep. I've never felt anything like that since we broke up. Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed the sexual experience with other men, but it just does not compare, because it's not the same. The act of sex is the same, but the feelings behind it are completely different. That's how I know for sure that I am definitely consanguinamarous; I can't feel anywhere near that depth of intensity with anyone else. It's so completely natural.
FME: Describe your relationship now, and when you were most recently active with each other. was it family-with-benefits, an affair, girlfriend-boyfriend, a marriage, what?
Well, it started as an affair behind my mums back. Not something I feel proud of, but it's the truth. After she was gone, we were more like lovers, at least when my siblings were not around. Since we've broken up we've remained good friends, but we keep some distance because it would be so easy to get back together again, and I don't think he would want that, even though I definitely do. I still see him as my dad, but he is also my ex-partner. The roles of being family and lover are not incompatible, in fact they go together as well as biscuits and cheese in my experience. Contrary to popular public opinion, breaking up does not result in catastrophic family meltdown. The father/daughter aspect of our relationship is completely intact.
FME: Were you in a closed relationship with each other?
When we first got together we were in an open relationship, because he didn't want to hold me back. That said, I never actually bothered with other men at the time because I was happy. He was with mum, but their sex life had become pretty nonexistent anyway. So even though we were both happy for each other to have other partners, we never actually did. I've had "normal" relationships since we split up, but never told any of them about this part of my past. Its too risky and most men just would not understand how or why this could happen.
FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true history of your relationship with your father and how did they find out? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy?
Nobody knows, and I intend to keep it that way. We had to be so careful about privacy because if the wrong person ever found out we'd both end up getting arrested, which is ridiculous, really.
FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?
That aspect is awful. For us it felt like a cloud of doom hanging over us. Apart from the secrecy, there is no other disadvantage I can think of from these types of relationships, and that disadvantage wouldn't even be there if people understood what these relationships really are about. I'd say that consanguineous relationships have some special advantages, like knowing the other person more completely before committing to a relationship, they tend to be more deep. I've spoken to many online who feel this way too.
FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other and that you can’t truly consent? For example, that a father must have groomed his daughter for this, or he must have physically overpowered you and forced himself on you?
I just want them to open their minds and hearts to us. We're not freaks, we're not perverts, we're regular people just like them but for this one little difference. For those who think that there is grooming in parent/offspring relationships, that wasn't the case for me, or in fact any number of others. This is something that happens as a result of mutual feelings, and we don't enter into these relationships lightly. People who are old enough to consent to sex, are old enough to consent to it with any other consenting adult. To be honest, I find the idea of being unable to consent just because I'm his offspring pretty insulting. I'm hardly a weak character and he is about as laid back as you can get.
FME: Can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?
Absolutely not, the "wrongness" comes from perception, misperception based on misinformation about consanguineous relationships, in this case. There is a hell of a lot of hysteria about the subject in my opinion, because people go bonkers whenever they hear about such stories in the media. Rarely do people stop to actually think about the harm that misperceptions do.
FME: If you could have legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?
God yes, I'd have married him. He was my soulmate, still is in truth, even though we are apart.
FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a father or daughter?
I would advise them to tread carefully at first, and be sure that it's what you really want, because there are a lot of people out there who just will not understand, especially in countries where it is illegal. Always put the family relationship first; the romance is an addition to, and a deepening of, the family bond. It isn't separate.
Spend some time discussing things with others online and sort out your feelings, but be wary of porn sites because you won't find what you're looking for so much in terms of intelligent discussion or real advice from those of us who have lived these amazing experiences. You're more likely to find masturbational drivel written by those who think it's a kink rather than a sexual orientation. If you want to be together, don't let anyone or anything make you feel wrong or broken. You're normal. Be true to yourself and be who you truly are. Your love is worth no less than anyone else's.
FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?
First of all, don't panic and flip out, and don't assume that they are sick or anything. They're the same people you've always known. Their sexuality just isn't what you expected it to be. It should be no different than finding out that your relative is gay. Also, don't think that because they're consanguinamarous that they'll automatically want to have sex with any and all family members. That's not the case. Just as straight people don't want to bed every member of the opposite sex, or gay people don't want to bed every member of the same sex, consanguineous people don't want to bed their whole family. Like in all other relationships, the mutual attraction has to be there, otherwise nothing happens. Whatever you do, don't get the police, it's really not helpful or necessary.
FME: Have you met in-person or do you know anyone else who has experience with consanguinamory or consanguineous sex?
No, I've always considered that too risky. You never know who might be a cop.
FME: Any plans for the future?
Not specifically, but I do hope one day my dad comes back home to me. I'm not going to bother again with dating because exsanguineous relationships just do not feel right for me.
FME: Anything else to add?
I just want to say you're doing marvelous work raising awareness of these issues with your website, because this needs to be more out in the open. At the very least, so that people going through these experiences know that they aren't alone and that they can talk to others about it. It's society's attitude towards us that causes the harm, not the relationships themselves.
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There you have it. An independent woman who wasn't hurting anyone and yet faces discrimination and denial of their rights simply for loving another adult. They were happy and in love, yet they were denied their fundamental right to marry. They could be still be criminally prosecuted in many places because or ridiculous laws interfering with consensual adult relationships. Who was the victim of their love?
Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.
You can read other interviews I have done here.
If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page, or if you're on a mobile device, click here.
If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.
Thank you to Jane Doe for doing this interview! We wish you well and hope your intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship is returned to full intimacy.
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