Sunday, May 6, 2018

Women Can Have Multiple Spouses, Too

Or, There’s More to Polygamy Than Polygyny

Women can enjoy multiple spouses, multiple husbands, multiple wives, multiple partners, multiple girlfriends, multiple boyfriends, and dating multiple people. A woman can love more than one person, have multiple ongoing romantic relationships, and have multiple ongoing sexual relationships.

Regular readers of this blog may find such statements to be obvious, but way too often, when I read or hear news or commentary about “polygamy,” what is meant is “polygyny” (one husband, multiple wives). Polyandry, meaning one wife with multiple husbands, has existed in tradition and still exists in modern relationships, and it is polygamy, too, as are spousal relationships between multiple women and multiple men, or three or more men, or three or more women.

This blog supports relationship rights for adults regardless of gender. A woman should be just as free as a man to marry more than one person, regardless of their genders or how closely related, and just as free as a man to not marry at all. or to leave a marriage.

Polyamory and Polygamy

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Saturday, May 5, 2018

Consanguinamory and Reproduction

One of the most common reasons given to object to the right to consanguineous relationships is what I call the "mutant baby" argument. Even some people who support the right to consanguinamory and have even engaged in consanguineous sex themselves join with bigots in being strongly against close relatives having children together because of prejudiced backlash or the increased risk of birth defects.

In regards to the prejudiced backlash, the answer is not to let bigots have their way. It is for bigots to lose their power to bully, prosecute, and break up homes. Don't want children of consanguineous parents to have a hard time? Do not give them a hard time.

In regards to the increased risk of birth defects, scientific understanding is often lacking.

Most sexual encounters do not result in a birth. Many people who have relationships or marry never have genetic children together; some people in consanguinamorous relationships choose not to. So, we must recognize the differences between sex, marriage, parenting, and reproduction, and not ban the first three because of concerns about the last one.

But let's deal with that last one.

Most births to consanguineous parents do not produce children with significant birth defects or other genetic problems; while births to other parents do sometimes have birth defects. There are happy, healthy, bright, attractive people born to close relatives who are productive members of society. We all know some, whether we know it or not, and whether they know it or not. It is that common. (Sometimes, they were conceived by an abuser, but often, not by an abuser but by mutual lovers.) We don’t prevent other people from marrying or deny them their reproductive rights based on increased odds of passing along a genetic problem or inherited disease. For example, it is entirely legal in the US and most other places for someone with Huntington's Disease to date, have sex, marry, and have genetic children. How can such rights be denied to people who are genetically healthy, simply because they are close relatives?

It is true that in general, children born to consanguineous parents have an increased chance of genetic problems than those born to nonconsanguineous parents, but the odds are still minimal. (UPDATE: Please see this wonky elaboration written by a Friend of FME.) There are US states and there are countries where consanguinamory is not illegal or at least it isn't prosecuted. Sweden will legally marry half-siblings in some circumstances. A comparison of the rate of genetic problems in these places to places that criminalize and actively prosecute consanguinamory reveals no discernible increase in genetic problems in the places that embrace this relationship right.

If a natural talent or gift runs in the family, the children born to consanguineous parents will be more likely to inherit and manifest that beneficial result as well; a birth benefit. But there are increased odds of problem with births to older parents, too. There's no stigma assigned to that, and it isn't illegal for older people to date, have sex, marry, and have genetic children together.

Anyone concerned about these things should have genetic testing and counseling. People who are not close relatives can pass along health problems, too.

The "birth defects" argument also implies that people with disabilities or some other birth defect are living lives so terrible that they should never have been born at all. Yet, there are many such people who are leading happy, fulfilling, productive lives.

But a current problem, in some (not all) cases, is that in giving birth, consanguineous parents will be outing themselves to someone who is prejudiced, and there will now be evidence of their (in some places) illegal love that can be used against them.

There are consanguinamorous parents happily raising their healthy children together. But some consanguinamorous relationships face very real threats. Again, the answer is to stop the persecution and prosecution. There is no good reason to deny consenting adults their equal protection of having their relationship and reproductive rights.

Consanguinamorous or not, anyone engaging in heterosexual intercourse should be aware of the possibility of pregnancy, the various forms of birth control and other options available, and the realities if pregnancy, birth, and raising children.

UPDATE: Jane has a great essay on these topics here.

With all of that in mind, let's look at this thread on a consensual incest discussion board. (The discussion is explicit, so if you have a problem with that, you are warned.)

carebear82 wrote…



I have been sexually active with my brother for 3 years now. We have sex whenever we get the chance which unfortunately is only about once a month as we live a bit of a distance apart but whenever i am home visiting family once a month we always make a point to hook up at least once and we have always been careful to use condoms but i am seriously considering letting him go "bareback" . Sex without condoms is so much better. I know the risk but i am really considering it.

Girls out there in incestland? What do you thinik? Condoms? or no condoms?

Janel responded…

Carebear...as long as you are both disease and drug free...then ditch the condoms. But, if you are fertile, then just remember that you could get pregnant...not sure if you want that or not. If you know when you ovulate, then you just don't have sex during those 36 hours......

carebear82 added…

forsure. we both know the risks but i really want him to cum inside me. i think im going to do it. i tell you the first time i took off my clothes in front of him and he slowly gently slid his cock inside me it was heaven. what an amazing feeling.

horny guy questioned…

Is 36 hours going to be a safe enough timescale to ensure 'safe' sex with your brother? I've heard of many instances where a female has concieved in the middle of her cycle, which for you could be a disaster (unless you want to have a baby with your brother)?

Maybe you could try another form of contraception-spermicidal foam, for instance?

Hope all goes well, but be careful!

Hank5 was nostalgic…

My sister and I were lovers for 3 years whilst sharing an apartment attending the same out of town university. We made love almost daily, but neither of us like condoms and from the start we did it "bareback". The first time we did it, she went to the university health clinic the following morning to get the "morning after" pill. Thereafter she went on the contraceptive pill.

For both of us making love skin-on-skin, and me pouring my semen into her uterus, was the apex of sexual enjoyment.

Just make sure that you practice safe sex so as to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.

Carebear82 updated the situation with what you could probably guess would happen…

I just wanted to let everyone know that my stupid plan to ditch the condoms has now ended in disaster as i am now pregnant with my brothers baby.on my doctors advice i did not go on the pill because of a few of the risks of the pill involved so we were practicing the "pull out" and he usually cums on my tummy or back depending what position we are in. well one stupid time he didnt pull out in time and now its gonna be pretty hard to explain to the family.

Even if he had pulled out each time, that isn’t contraception. Sperm can leave the penis well before any orgasm.


That particular discussion board, like many others was suffering from much spam and gibberish posting. I recommend instead visiting Kindred Spirits forum, registering/joining for free. But be sure to immediately read all of the rules.


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Thursday, May 3, 2018

Why Does the Government Issue Marriage Licenses?

It's a good question. Someone asked it at this blog's sister Tumblr. It turns out government marriage licenses are a relatively recent invention and are only common in certain parts of the world. Click through for the answer.



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Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Living in a Marriage That's Denied Equality

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The man and woman interviewed below should be free to legally marry, yet they can't, and they could be imprisoned and have their lives ruined if they were outed to the wrong people. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone and have been raising a child together; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including all but a a few US states, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this couple has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they enjoy what we call double love?


WARNINGS: Mildly explicit sexuality.


*****



FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourselves.
Brother: I am currently in IT with the federal government. We live in the suburbs outside a major metro area. I am 30, 6'4" and 230. Brown hair and gray eyes that tend to change color with what I am wearing. I have a masters degree, one sibling, and our daughter.

We were born and raised on the west coast, but moved a lot growing up both domestically and internationally. So we got to experience a lot of different cultures.


Sister: I am a paralegal with a local law firm, I am living with my brother and our daughter. I am 29, 5'4", dirty blond hair, soccer mom.


FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married?

Sister: We are not married in the full legal sense, but we did exchange rings and vows to each other. So for us we are husband and wife.

Brother: I am currently hunting on the dark web for ways to get married officially. We want our love to be official, and to know that we are legally required to wake up next to each other. Bonus points if you can name the movie that's from.



FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, what? Are you a monogamist, polyamorist, or....?

Brother: I am just starting to experiment with being bi.

Sister: I've had bi experiences since high school. I first had sex with my BFF, and have always enjoyed being able to be with and pleasure other women. [Brother] is my soul mate, but he understands and accepts when I need to play.


FME: This is a sexual relationship between a brother and sister? Are you full siblings?

Brother: Yes, we are full genetic first siblings enjoying a fully sexual relationship with each other.

Sister: I am in a spousal/sexual relationship with my full brother.


FME: Did you grow up together?

Sister: Yes we were both raised together.


FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? Were alternative lifestyles/sex discussed in your family, and if so, how? Can you describe your sexual awakening?

Sister: Our childhoods and family life growing up were pretty normal. Our dad worked for a big defense contractor, so we had a good middle/upper-middle home and such. I don't really remember sex being openly talked about; other then when Mom gave me the "talk" when I finally got my period. My sexual awakening was probably when I was twelve, and masturbated for the first time.

Brother: Dad never gave me the "talk", he just left a book under my pillow for me to read.

Sister: Dad never talked to you, and I had to listen to Mom drone on and on about what I should not be doing? Boys!

Brother: As for my sexual awakening it was the first night I read that book. I was twelve almost thirteen, and it described how to masturbate in detail. So after everyone was asleep, I stripped naked, and gave myself my first orgasm.


FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship? Was it a sudden event or a gradual process? Did you know ahead of time it was going to turn sexual or was it more spontaneous? Is it clear who made the first move? When did you notice an attraction?

Sister: For me it was when our parents were out one Saturday morning, and I was walking past [Brother's] room. His door was ajar, and I could see him [masturbating], but it was when he [reached orgasm] and moaned out my name that things changed for me. That was when I saw him as more than my brother. I saw him as the person I wanted my first time to be with, and to learn about sex with.

Brother: Oh it was all [Sister] that made the first move. I still blush when she tells this story. I had been noticing her going through puberty, and growing boobs, getting hips, and everything. I had been snooping in her underwear drawer, and knew she was a 32A by then.

Sister: I also had our first time all planned out. I knew our parents were going out to a party, and would be leaving us alone for the night. [Brother] and I were watching cable, and flipped to Cinemax which was showing a softcore porn movie. I said I had never seen one before even though I had on the computer. While we watched it, I started rubbing his thigh. We glanced at each other, but still watched the movie. When I started rubbing [his penis], he looked at me and asked what I was doing.

I said nothing I didn’t want to, and if he liked it he should kiss me. He smiled at me, leaned in, and kissed me.

I brushed my tongue on his lips, and he opened his mouth so we could properly French kiss.  I grabbed his hand and put it on my boob. I had to break the kiss and tell him it was OK to play with me. He then started playing with both.

After a little while we were so hot that I had to undress him, and he undressed me. I was so excited when he finally got to see special black undies I was wearing just for him. My bra was front hooking, so he had no trouble opening it. I pulled his head towards me, and he latched on.

We swapped places, I got on my knees, and [fellatio ensued]. He didn't last longer than a minute (sorry Baby).

Afterwards we cuddled on the sofa talking about what just happened. [Brother] was worried he took advantage of me, and I reassured him that he could not have. When I told him my feelings for him, and how badly I wanted to be with him, and rolled me on my back, moved down to my waist, and started [cunnilingus]. I had not expected him to do this, but it was the most intense feeling I had ever felt. He made me [orgasm] three times quickly. I had to grab his head and pull him up because [I was] just too sensitive.

I could feel that he was hard again by then, so I took hold of him, and [positioned him]. We looked at each other, he asked me if I was really sure this is what I wanted. I shoved my tongue in his mouth again, locked my legs around his butt, and pushed him into me. It did hurt for a bit when he first entered me, and he could see it on my face. So once he was in, he stopped and waited for me to get used to it.

Now us being the horny teenagers we were, we never thought of getting a condom. I probably should have gotten some since this was my idea, but I didn't and he sure wasn't thinking of it. We are pretty sure we got pregnant that night. We had intercourse twice more that night.



Brother: I did not know what she was planning. I did know how sexy I thought she was, and how much I wanted to see her naked. I don't think I knew what incest was back then. I just knew my sister was hot, and I wanted to see as much of her as I could.

Sister: You are the sweetest. I was a jumble of emotions, and feelings. I didn't dare tell my Mom I wanted to have sex with my brother, and if I told any of my friends it would be all over school in five minutes. So I did want any horny teen would do, I went to the Internet. Thankfully we didn't have filters back then, so I had free range. I was able to read up on enough to get an understanding on what was happening, and how to take care of it.


FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?

Sister: No I had no idea. Like [Brother] I was not aware of what incest was, or that siblings were off limits so to speak. I was still at the age of thinking about my parents having sex as gross. I might have had a fleeting thought about Dad a few times, but nothing serious.

Brother: Same as with [Sister]. And never had a desire with any other family members.


FME: How do you describe the sex now? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic? Some people say familial eroticism is inherently kinky, but I have found that for many it doesn't feel kinky. What about for you?

Brother: Sex with [Sister] is still as good as it was back then. I think it's the taboo aspect of it; just knowing I get to [do it with] my baby sister still to the day makes me really hot for her. The sex does have a kink factor to it too, I mean how could it not? I'm in bed with my sister; that alone is pretty kinky. To this day [Sister] is the best sex I have ever had.

Sister: [Brother] is the best. I feel the same way. It's the taboo/kink aspect that never fails to get me aroused. Ever after all these years together, we still mess around like we're still teenagers, and it's still the best sex I've ever had.


FME: Describe your relationship now. Is this a marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, family-with-benefits, or what? Do you see each other as family or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?

Sister: We are married in all ways but the piece of paper. We are family, lovers, confidants, equals. If you did not know us, you would have no clue we are brother/sister. We are as normal as any other couple/parents.


FME: Is this relationship closed or are either if you open to new partners?

Brother: We like to play with others. As I said I am starting to test my bi side. [Sister] said it would be hot to watch me with another guy, so I’m going to see how it goes. None of the others we have been with know we are related. We have not been with anyone long enough to build a strong enough bond to tell them that.

Sister: [Brother] is right, I think it would be damn hot to see him with a guy, and I'm glad he's willing to try it for me. I am still living bisexually, and love bringing a girl home to play. [Brother] loves it to since he gets to watch, and sometimes join in. I have not told anyone (not even my BFF in school) what we have been doing. I actually think I get off better knowing she has no clue she is watching incest right in front of her eyes.


FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship

Sister: Our parents know all about us. When I got pregnant, [Brother] and I decided we had no choice but to tell them everything. They were not happy to learn their kids were sleeping together, and were dumb enough not to be using protection. But after a lot of research and family discussions we all decided that [Brother] and I would keep the baby.


FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

Brother: We stayed local for school, saying [Sister] and the baby needed to be close to our parents and we wanted to save money. We used a story of [Sister] having a one night stand and the condom failing. Once we graduated and decided we wanted to live together on our own, we did have to move away to a new state where no one knew us, and we could be the normal young family.

Sister: The disadvantages would be having to lie to just about everyone we know. We do feel bad about having to do it, but it's not our fault for falling in love with each other. [Brother] and I do think that consanguineous relationships do have advantages as well. We already loved each other when we started. We basically knew everything about each other already. We have our sibling bond with we have found only reinforces our love and romantic bond.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other and that you can’t truly consent?

Sister: We would like to tell them to go piss up a rope. No one but maybe our parents have any right to say anything to us about what they think is right or wrong. We are not hurting anyone. Our relationship, bond, or family are zero threat to you, so take your opinion and shove it. I'm not sure how you can say a younger sister is "preying" on her older brother.

Brother: Totally agree with [Sister]. She was not preying on me, and if I did not consent to it I would not have let her [perform fellatio] that first night.


FME: You’ve already indicated you have a daughter. How is she?

Sister: We have a bright, beautiful, highly intelligent, and fiercely loyal daughter, who, yes, has one head, ten fingers, and ten toes.


FME: What would you say to something who says close relatives shouldn't be allowed to have children?

Brother: I would tell them that almost everything you hear and read about it being harmful is bunk. Science today is a lot more advanced than it was 30 or so years ago. If close relatives want to have kids, I would say get a genetic screening done just to be sure, but chances are you won't have anything to worry about. 


FME: Aside from the law, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

Brother: Nothing at all. Love is love. If it is a brother/sister, mother/son, father/daughter, mother/daughter, any other combo out there, or two strangers who met at a bar. If two people, regardless of relation or sex, fall in love then there is no reason at all to stop them from freely showing that love for each other.

Sister: He is 100% right. No one should have the right to stop anyone who loves another person from being with that person.


FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

Sister: I would marry him today if we could. As we said, we are married in every way except having a piece of paper from the state. And I can live with that. Would I have liked to have had the wedding of my dreams? Sure. But what [Brother] and I have built is more than enough for me, too.
 

Brother: Exactly what she said.


FME: What advice do you have for someone who wants to be with their brother or sister?

Brother: Go slow and decide if it's just a passing fancy, or if you really do want to have a sexual relationship with a relative. It's a door that can't be closed once it's been opened. I will say our first time was pure lust, but then [Sister] and I talked, and we shared our wants and desires and learned that we both had far deeper feeling for each other then just brother and sister.

Sister: I would agree with [Brother]; however for me it was not lust. I knew by then I deeply loved the big lug and only ever wanted to be with him sexually. I would also say if you are inexperienced with sex when you begin; that you figure out how to do some of the basics first.


FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Brother: Let them be. If they want to be together; then who are you to say otherwise. Are they being together personally hurting you in some way?


FME: Any plans for the future?

Sister: Yes in fact. I just passed my first trimester for our next baby. Now that we are settled in our own home, [Brother] and I decided it was time to expand our family.


FME: Anything else to add?

Sister: I have zero regrets or second thoughts for how my life has turned out. I would not change a single aspect of anything that has happened. I am married to the best person I know, who loves me, our daughter, and our new child with every fiber of his being. And who I know would die to protect us from harm. He is my rock and my soulmate, and I consider myself the luckiest woman alive that he is also my big brother.

Brother: That chokes me up. I can not add anything to what [Sister] said. It is all true, and I am so grateful every day that she picked a big lump like me to spend her life with.


*****



Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, practically married in every way except the law, and yet they can't even exercise their basic human right to marry, even though they are living as spouses. They are happy and in love, yet they are denied that fundamental right to marry. They can't even be open about their love!

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you are concerned about pregnancies between close relatives, read this.
If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Brother and Sister for doing this interview! We wish you well in your consanguinamorous marriage and in your pregnancy and parenting. May the strength of your double bond grow.

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Monday, April 30, 2018

Physical Security for Consanguinamorous Couples

...and triads, etc.

U.N. Owen is back as a guest blogger. Yes, we accept submissions.
*****

Consang couples face the same risk of mugging and home invasion that Regular couples do. It's not a pleasant thing to say, but they face an additional risk of mob violence. At least one couple I'm aware of was physically assaulted, blackmailed, and threatened with deadly force in their home by a group of violent thugs after they were outed to same. This occurred in the southern US several years ago. I have a credible (though secondhand) account of this incident, which I have shared with Keith.

In better days when we have equality, we won't have this risk, at least not as much. But we are not in better days yet. And home invasions will still happen. 

So I'd like to suggest that couples take reasonable and prudent measures to protect themselves. I'm not advocating that we live in fear, just with reasonable caution and prudent preparation.

The first, and best, option is simply to make sure that it never happens. Never reveal your love to anyone who might out you, either to the police or to anyone else. Trust others only when you are absolutely sure you can, and limit that to only those who need to know.

The second best option, if you are attacked, is to escape. If you don't fight, you won't be hurt. There is no benefit to being macho in this situation, and you are not a coward if you can run away from trouble. Famous self-defense experts like Massad Ayoob agree on this.

Third best is to prep to survive an attack, whether from a home invasion or a mob. Take additional prudent measures to secure your home. Most people already know about deadbolt locks, solid outer doors, alarms, dogs, and the like. Additional security measures can be taken, such as setting up a "safe room" inside your home and especially where you sleep. There are a lot of Internet resources on securing your home. Google is your friend.

Whether you arm yourself is your personal choice, at least in places that allow you to. If you do, please be sure to get trained by a certified trainer, practice regularly, and handle your arms safely.

I'd appreciate your comments about what steps you have taken to protect yourselves and your home from violent intruders.

*****

Thanks, U.N. Owen. These are excellent considerations.

When people are criminalized for loving other consenting adults, they are easy targets for real crimes, because predators know that the victims will be reluctant to go to law enforcement authorities.

As pointed out, any good self-defense expert or instructor will say that the best way to defend yourself is to not get into a fight in the first place. Avoid attacks. De-escalate. Run.

Avoiding trouble in the first place is better than having to deal with trouble, but sometimes there isn't a choice. Keeping that closet door closed and moving somewhere that you're not known as genetic/blood relatives can do much to protect you. Especially if you're going to live together, you might want to keep people who knew you from tracking you down by purchasing your residence via a revocable trust. A good lawyer and help you set that up. A revocable trust makes it much more difficult for someone to find your address of residence.


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Saturday, April 28, 2018

'Sleepovers': Are they always as 'innocent' as they sound?

Just over four years ago I was contacted by a mother who couldn't wait to tell me her story about a 'sleepover' she had recently held for her daughter's 14th birthday. I wrote an article about her experience and shared it. Last week she contacted me again, this time to tell me about her now 18-year-old daughter and what went down at the event celebrating that birthday… We're in the process of putting together a piece about that but after reading what I wrote when I first heard from her, I thought it may be a good idea to update it and share it again …

Jane is the mother of three girls, the eldest of which just turned 14. To celebrate her daughter's recent birthday, she agreed to hold a small gathering with a few of her friends being invited. After some discussion about what she wanted (and what Jane was willing to do!)  four friends were invited for a 'sleepover' on a Saturday night. The girls would stay the night and Jane would provide food, some games and a video or the like through the night. The family had only just moved to a new city and new school and Jane did not really know any of her daughter's friends and saw the event as not only a good way to get to know them but also their parents.

Invitations were written and hand-delivered to the four girls at school (something Jane didn't feel entirely comfortable about but was told that this was the way it was done) and later told by her daughter that all of them would be attending. Over the next week Jane waited to hear something from any of the parents - her number had been included on the invitation and she had anticipated that there would be some type of questions asked about the night and what was planned - but there was nothing! After discussions with her husband, she agreed that they must just be waiting for the actual evening to check things out and it would all be sorted when the girls were dropped off on the night. That was not the case, however, as each of the girls were dropped off in the driveway (although Jane could not guarantee that as she did not see all of the cars actually arriving) and not one of the parents accompanied their daughter to the door! She did not meet one of the parents, had not been asked anything about the event and what was going to be happening and really didn't even know if they had any idea who their daughters were with and where they actually were ...

Jane was flabbergasted! These were 14-year-old girls - the potential for tragic consequences were very real and yet their parents couldn't even be bothered to make one simple call or take a quick walk down a driveway to find out who they were leaving their daughters with for the evening. Totally gobsmacking! Not one of these parents had ever met Jane or her husband before (the family had only recently moved from interstate), they knew nothing about their values and how they would be supervising the sleepover, or even who would be doing the supervising. They didn't even know if there were adults in the house when they dropped their daughters off! As she said, these were four teenage girls (getting changed into sleepwear at some point!) who would staying the night at her house and their parents knew absolutely nothing about what was going to go down ...

Sleepovers are not a new phenomenon – they have been around for a long time and play a key role in how young people learn to socialize during the pre-teen and early teen years. I believe that if your child wants to attend a sleepover and you believe it is going to be a safe event, you should absolutely let them go … It is becoming increasingly obvious, however, that these are not always the innocent events that they purport to be ... Of course, there are those, like the event that Jane put on for her daughter, that are exactly what you would expect them to be, i.e., nights involving young teens staying over at a friend's house doing fun things. That said, 'sleepovers' can also be 'teenage code' for "I'm going out to a party drinking and I'm not telling my parents!" Telling your parents that you're going to a friend's house for a sleepover and won't be home until mid-morning the next day is a great way of getting around parental rules governing parties and gatherings, as well as ensuring that they won't be able to detect if they've been drinking alcohol. It's the perfect cover and parents are falling for it 'hook, line and sinker'!

So how do you know if the sleepover is real or not? This is where I continue to get totally floored by some parents' behaviour because it's not exactly rocket science - call the house where the supposed event is taking place and ask the parents about what is planned! If your child won't give you a contact number, tries to tell you that you won't be able to reach them, or that the host parents don't have a phone (can you believe that some parents actually fall for that?) or that you would "shame them forever" if you do call - it's a pretty sure bet that something is up! Your child keeps you 'siloed' for a reason - sure, there's an element of embarrassment (i.e., they truly believe that nobody else's parent is going to ask those questions) but it's just as likely to be due to them not wanting you to know exactly what is going to happen. If you know to much you may not let them go ... What is amazing about Jane's story is that she did make herself available for parents, expecting them to call and check about the evening and not one of them did!

I have been trying to fathom the reasons why these parents wouldn't have made the call beforehand or walk their daughters to the door and meet the family that they were going to entrust their child to for the evening. I've come up with four possibilities – none of which adequately explain the parents' actions that night:
  • they had 'blind trust' – trusting that the parents hosting the event would do the 'right thing', had the same values and attitudes as them and, as a result, their child would be supervised appropriately and would be safe for the night
  • they were bullied by their 14-year-old daughter and told that they couldn't make contact with another parent for fear of 'shaming' them in some way
  • they had plans for the evening and if they did too much digging, they may have to actually say 'no' to their daughter and look after her themselves, i.e., the 'sleepover' offered a free child-minding service and they didn't want that spoiled
  • they just don't care!

Some may say I'm being too harsh here (and certainly the final two reasons I've put forward are pretty brutal) but really if anyone can come up with a better reason, please let me know.

As I said, there are 'legitimate' sleepovers held every weekend across the country and there are many parents who are trying to do the right thing and monitor their teens the best they can (and I get that it's not always easy!) but Jane's story highlights a significant issue that is of great concern. How many parents really know where their teens are on a Saturday night and how hard are some of them trying to find out? A sleepover sounds innocent enough (and in many cases, that's exactly what they are) but it is still vital that parents talk to each other and find out as much as possible about what is going to go down. Walking your 14-year-old son or daughter to the door of someone you are entrusting them to for the evening is not really that difficult and is crucial if you want to ensure your teen's safety ...

Teens are going to try to push the boundaries as much as possible, particularly during those difficult years of 14-16 years when they are first learning how to be young adults. It's a parent's job to try to keep them safe through this time and the best way to do that is to monitor them as best you can - i.e., know where they are, who they're with and when they'll be home - always remembering that sometimes they are going to lie straight to your face when you ask them these questions. It is important therefore that checks are done to verify the information they provide! It takes some work but isn't your child's safety and wellbeing worth it?


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Friday, April 27, 2018

What happens when you call 000 and ask for an ambulance?


When you call 000 and ask for an ambulance what actually happens? What information do they ask for and do the police come?

The Emergency number in Australia is Triple Zero (000). You can call this number 24 hours a day, seven days a week from any landline, pay phone or mobile phone. These calls are always free and, if you're calling on a mobile, you will get through even if you do not have any credit or your phone is locked.

Police do not routinely attend an ambulance call, even if there are illegal drugs involved. If they do attend it is usually because the paramedics attending the emergency have asked them to be there. This is usually due to another crime taking place or the threat of violence. When you call for an ambulance, that's what you get - an ambulance!

When you call 000 it will be answered by a Telstra operator who will ask you which service you want – police, fire brigade or ambulance. Once you have asked for an ambulance they may also ask what state and town you are calling from, particularly if you are calling from a mobile. You will then be connected to an ambulance control centre in your state or territory. A control centre officer will then need to ask for the following information:
  • Where are you? They will need to know your exact address, so try to provide as much information as you can. If you know the nearest cross street or any identifying landmarks that are nearby that can also be helpful. The more information you are able to provide, the faster the paramedics will be able to get there
  • What number are you calling from? Some young people panic when they are asked for this, worried that the number will be kept and possibly used to trace them at a later date. There is no need to worry though, as the only reason they need this is if you get 'cut-off' or they need to call you back to get extra information
  • What is the problem? Tell the ambulance operator what your emergency is, i.e., who is sick or hurt and what has happened to them. They will also sometimes ask how old the person is
  • Is the person conscious? Are you able to wake the person up? If you can't it is likely that they will ask you other questions about their breathing
It is important that you try to keep as calm as possible and be clear. Based on your answers, the officer will be able to assess the situation and then respond appropriately. If it is required, an ambulance will be sent immediately. Do not hang-up as you may be asked additional questions to assist the paramedics who are on their way. They may also give you some simple first-aid instructions over the phone if necessary.

After hearing what the emergency is, the officer may decide that sending an ambulance is not required. At that point, depending on where you live, you may be transferred to a nurse for further assistance.

Calling for an ambulance for a friend, or even someone you do not know, can be quite scary. Try to keep as calm as possible, provide all the information you can and hopefully the experience won't be too traumatic ... Most importantly, once again, remember - police do not routinely attend an ambulance call. When you call for an ambulance, that's what you get - an ambulance!
First published: April 2018


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International Consanguinamory Day

April 28, 2018 is the first Annual International Consanguinamory Day.

It is a day to celebrate and raise awareness about consanguinamory, consauinamorous relationships, and consanguinamorous people. It is important for people to know:
  • They know people who are consanguinamorous, perhaps people they love and admire.
  • Consanguinamorists exist in every demographic, race, class, and population and always have.
  • Consanguinamory is in your genealogy.
  • Consanguinamorists face prejudice, harassment, discrimination, even criminalization and murder simply for being who they are and loving other consenting adults.
  • We are going to ensure that people of all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship orientations, including consanguinamorous people, have their rights sooner rather than later.
Consanguinamorous people and allies are welcome to join Kindred Spirits for support and opportunities to help others. If you’re consanguinamorous, you’re not alone!


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Monday, April 23, 2018

Student Seeking GSA Couple for Interview

Hi Everyone!  My name is Steven Ezra, and I am a nursing student at the Borough of Manhattan Community College in NYC.  Formerly, I was a professional dancer and now I am a father to a 2 year old daughter. 

I am seeking an interview with a GSA couple for a non-biased research paper for my developmental psychology paper.  I am willing to drive to any location within 100 miles of NYC and would be very interested to hear your story.  If anyone would be willing to share their story with me, please contact me at anytime - steven.ezra@yahoo.com or 631-816-1999

*****

[I am posting this on Steven's behalf. I make no promises or guarantees; I'm simply passing along the information. - Keith]

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