Sunday, September 23, 2018

Bisexual Visibility Day

September 23 is Bisexual Visibility Day. 

To all bisexuals, especially our friends and readers, we see you. You are valid. You should have your rights and freedoms. You deserve representation. You should not be pressured to be closeted or to hide.

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NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #15


“This oppresses women.” Gender equality and the right to be unmarried or to divorce are necessary components of full marriage equality. Anti-equality people often point to polygyny in certain cultures, past and present, where women do not have equal rights. However, this is not proof that polygyny, much less the larger scope of polygamy or polyamory, oppresses women. Women would be oppressed in those cultures with or without polygyny. If a woman wants to marry a man who has other wives rather than another man who is an unmarried man, and the other wives agree, why deny her that choice? If a woman wants to marry two men, or a man and a woman, or two women, she should have that right, too. Some women enjoy polygamy, including polygyny, and they should have the right to consent to the marriage of their choosing.

The law does not prevent a man from having relationships with, and children with, multiple women, but he can't legally marry all of them even if they all agree. The law does not prevent a woman from having relationships with, and children with, multiple men, but she can't legally marry all of them even if they all agree. Three people can have a loving, lasting triad, living together for years and years, but can't legally marry. What kind of sense is that?

Protections against gender discrimination, domestic violence, and child abuse should be the focus, not preventing consenting adults from marrying. Victims of abuse would be more likely to work with authorities to stop abusers if consensual relationships were not criminalized nor discriminated against.
 
There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #14

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #16 


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Friday, September 21, 2018

What if a teenage party was run like a school excursion? What would be expected of the school and teachers?

I've written many times about the 'hoops' that schools have to go through to take students on an excursion and how parents would not expect anything less, particularly when it comes to their child's well-being. I raised this issue at a recent Parent Information Evening and was using it to emphasise the importance of parents 'doing their homework' before allowing their teen to attend a party on a Saturday night. It doesn't matter where a teacher is planning on taking a group of young people, whether it is a comparatively 'safe' place like a museum or a zoo, or a potentially more risky environment such as an outdoor education camp trekking through bushland for a number of days, they have to follow a protocol. I was talking to a couple of parents recently about this and they were quite surprised to hear about the lengths teachers have to go to in order to take a group of students off school grounds. That left me thinking, what would a school have to do if a teenage party was run like a school excursion? What hoops would a teacher have to jump through to ensure young people could attend?

Type in 'teacher checklist for excursions' into a Google search and you will find a range of documents, some from government departments and schools, as well as those developed and provided by places likely to be visited by groups of students (e.g., Perth Zoo, Australian Botanic Gardens) that provide assistance to teachers in this area. One of the most detailed is the Checklist for Excursion Management Plan from the WA Education Department's website. To introduce the document, the site states that the checklist provided "must be completed by the teacher in charge of the excursion and submitted to the principal for approval. The checklist confirms that the management plan in place for an excursion meets the requirements of the policy."

The document has nine sections, the first of which is titled 'Assess the Risks'. I haven't included everything listed under this section but hopefully you'll get the idea:
  1. Assess the environment: The site has been assessed and is considered to be appropriate for the excursion 
  2. Assess transport arrangements: Arrangements have been made for the safe transport of excursion participants 
  3. Assess the students' capacity: Excursion activities are suitable for the students' capacity. Up-to-date information regarding student health care maintenance and/or intensive health care needs has been obtained 
  4. Competence of external providers is established: 
  • External providers conducting activities with students have a current working with children check card and national police certificate 
  • Staff responsibilities of the school and venue have been established 
  • External providers hold the appropriate level of public liability insurance


Other section headings include 'Establish Supervision Strategies', 'Provide Information and Seek Consent' and 'Complete Emergency Response Planning'. Sounds complicated doesn't it? But, as already said, no parent would expect any less from a school when it comes to their child's safety. Now try taking these protocols and procedures and applying them to a young person attending a teenage party on a Saturday night … How many parents actually take the time to ensure that the event their child is going to is safe?

So in a practical sense, using this checklist, what would a teacher have to do to make sure that a teenage party they were sending a group of students to meets Education Department requirements?

Firstly, they would have to assess the environment, i.e., where is the party being held and is it safe and 'appropriate'? This would mean having a site visit at some time before the event was held. They would then have to ensure that appropriate transport arrangements were made, providing departure and arrival times, the number of staff on the bus (making sure that there was the correct staff-student ratio) as well as nominating the supervising staff member. No matter what form of transport was being used, insurance details would have to be sourced and provided. The teachers would then have to establish that those young people attending were 'capable', i.e., the party and what went on there matched the students' maturity level. At the same time, information on any medical conditions would need to be collected and distributed to staff supervising the event.

Finally, the teachers would have to ensure that the host parents were 'competent' and would be putting on a party that was as safe as possible. Most importantly, the school would also need to see a range of documentation that demonstrated that the host parents were aware of their responsibilities in terms of health and safety (e.g., were they aware of the laws around underage drinking and 'secondary supply', did they have a plan on how to deal with intoxicated young people turning up to the party?) and that the event was covered by insurance should something go wrong.

The document outlines what a school has to do when it comes to school excursions - they have no choice! If a teacher was found negligent in this area (i.e., they didn't do all of this and possibly even more) they would find themselves on the front page of a newspaper or hounded by tabloid TV journalists. But there are few parents who even come close to matching this kind of effort and those who do (many of whom are regular readers of this blog) are often made to feel like they are 'overparenting' and 'not trusting their teen' … Can you imagine what schools would have to do if they were actually responsible for what teens did and didn't do on a Saturday night? The expectations of parents would be ridiculous but many do not hold themselves up to the same standards in this area and do little to ensure their teen's safety when they go out to a party on a weekend!

We also need to remember that with a school excursion the teachers just don't hand over the students to wherever they are going and walk away - they stay and help supervise. That is not usually the case, however, with a teenage party. So, in reality, what a parent does in the lead-up to a sleepover, party or gathering is so much more important than what a teacher needs to do prior to a school excursion (and that's not even taking into account that you've also got to consider that alcohol can often be involved, the events are usually held at night and so much more!). Of course, you're not going to want to see the host parents' insurance policy or ask them whether they have a 'Working with Children' check but it wouldn't be a bad idea to know something about them … So, if you use the document discussed as a template, when it comes to assessing the risk of a teenage party, the very least a parent should do is as follows:
  • make sure you know where the party is being held - it would be wise to have confirmation that that is where it is actually being held and you have a contact number for the host parents 
  • ensure you know how your child is getting to the party and how they will be getting home - as I always say, this really is the only non-negotiable parents should have when it comes to parties. The best option is for you to take then and pick them up, but that is not always possible. If you're not, speak to the person who will be
  • find out something about the host parents - the best way to do this is to make contact with them but that can be difficult and confronting in some cases. If you start doing this when they're younger, however, it's not going to be so difficult when they hits their mid teens
  • establish that this is a party that is suitable for your child - this can often become obvious when you make contact with the host parent but you also need to establish who else is going, do you know other young people attending and what type of event is it?
I believe a parent should do so much more than the bare minimum (and that's what I've listed above) but 'something's better than nothing' and I totally get that it's not easy … That said, I have met too many parents over the years who have lost their children in tragic accidents or have had their daughter sexually assaulted or son be a victim of alcohol-related violence who didn't do some basic checking of a party and have never forgiven themselves as a result. Making a call and 'doing a bit of homework' is not going to be appreciated by your child at the time, particularly around that age of 14, 15 and 16, but I guarantee they'll come back in a few years time and thank you for it!


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Thursday, September 20, 2018

The Red Button

TRIGGER WARNING: Parts of this entry will deal with SA.

There is a big difference between abuse and sex, and nothing written below is included to minimize or obscure the fact that some adults and children are abused by family members or relatives. Assault, molestation, and other forms of abuse should be vigorously prosecuted and we note that removing laws and stigmas against consensual (to be redundant) sex will make it easier to prevent and stop abuse.

On to the main point.

It has been confirmed to us by some, and in other cases we suspect:

Ridiculous laws against consanguinamory can result in everyone involved being prosecuted, so in some cases, when it looks like arrests and prosecution are likely, one person falls on their sword and falsely confesses to assaulting the other(s). The strategic thinking is that it is better only one of them go to prison and be branded a sex offender than both or all.


This means that not every news report or bit of local gossip that comes your way about someone forcing themselves on a family is really as reported.

It is outrageous that anyone would feel pressured to falsely confess to assault when there was no assault, all because of ridiculous laws against sex. Unfortunately, this is a decision some people have to make individually or with their lover(s). This blog can't make the decision for you, but if you've done this or plan to, and feel like telling us about it, you can comment anonymously or with a screen name below.

Consanguineous lovers need to protect themselves and also each other.

There is no good reason for criminalizing or perpetuating a stigma against these relationships, but until unjust laws are removed, there will be people who press the red button as a last resort to protect their lover(s) from prosecution, taking all of the criminal punishment on themselves. This is an insult to justice and an insult to survivors of abuse, and is another reason why laws against consanguineous sex must go.




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Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Frequently Asked Question: Why Do Polyamorists Get Married?


The question is asked as though the person asking assumes that actual monogamy is a requirement for marriage. It isn’t in most places, even though current marriage laws will only allow monogamy in the legal sense.

For the purpose of this question and answer, I will include any form of honest nonmonogamy, or any label applied, such as open relationship, open marriage, swinging, swapping, polyamory, polyfidelity and polygamy.

Why do swingers get married?

Why do people in open relationships get married?

Why do polyamorous people get married?

The short answer is: For the same reason most other people get married. They want to get married, they think it is the best thing to do at that time in life, or they’re pressured.



There are many reasons to get married, and as I noted, one doesn’t actually need to be monogamous to get married, unless one wants to be ethical and married to someone who needs and demands monogamy. People get married for love, for attraction, for companionship, to solemnize or make official their relationship, for religious reasons, to make a public statement, for sex, for children, for friendship, for benefits, for insurance, to pool resources, to co-parent, for career, for money, as a form of commitment, to apply a legal structure to their relationship, and for other reasons I’m probably forgetting. Nonmonogamists who marry do so for one or more of these reasons, just like anyone else.

Some people cite the marriage vow of "forsaking all others." But that is just ONE vow, not one that all people marrying make. The vow can also mean different things to different marriages.

Some nonmonogamists decline to marry for various reasons. Some, like some monogamists, have decided to decline until everyone can get married. Some decline to marry until everyone in their polycule can marry. Some can’t have a legal marriage for their polycule until there is full marriage equality.

The question can also be asked of monogamists: Why do you get married? Not only is actual monogamy not a requirement, in many places, of our restrictive marriage laws, but one can be monogamous without being married.


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Monday, September 17, 2018

A Note From a Therapist

This was a comment left on the blog I wanted to highlight.
I am a psychotherapist who specializes in working with clients who struggle with "taboo" sexualized thoughts and behaviors. I'm currently working on research dealing with consensual familial intimate relationships. I offer online therapy as well as in-person and I accept most major insurance. I'm licensed in Georgia and Maryland. 
Keya Johnson, MSW, LCSW, CCTP, CSOTPtherapist.keya@gmail.com

I communicated privately with this person and they do not discourage adults who are happily enjoying sexual relationships with other adults and everything along those lines stays private with them.

So please consider helping with the research, and if you need a therapist who won't automatically dismiss your relationships or desires, this may be someone for you.

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Mothers, Sons, and Children

Someone asked at this blog's sister Tumblr about mothers and sons having children.

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Sunday, September 16, 2018

NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #14


“What about insurance/employment benefits?” There are many simple ways to deal with this. It is dealt with when an employee has more kids than the next, isn't it? It is not a good reason to deny the polygamous freedom to marry or polyamorous relationship rights in general.. This is something the law and/or employers and unions can figure out.

There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (and any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/discredited-invalid-arguments.html

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #13 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny (Polyamorous) Love #15

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Friday, September 14, 2018

"I've just found out that my daughter's been taking ecstasy. What should I do?" One mother's call for help ...

One of the greatest fears for most parents is finding out that their child has taken an illegal drug. There are a range of reasons for this, many of them completely valid and understandable, but to respond to this situation without carefully thinking through what you should say and do can be a big mistake. A response emanating from fear or anger can have devastating and long-term implications.

I recently received an email from a mother (we'll call her Maria) who was facing this issue and she wanted my advice on how she should deal with the situation. Here is an edited version of the message:

"My daughter is 16 and my husband and I have never really had any problems with her. Her older brother was a bit of a handful, particularly around parties and alcohol, but up until a week ago we thought things were going to be relatively smooth sailing with Alyssa. We knew she had been to a couple of dance festivals but whenever we raised the issue of drugs (and we had done so a number of times) she was quick to tell us that her and her friends were not into that kind of thing. 
Last Friday before we took her to school she had left her phone on the kitchen bench and I was right next to it when a message came through. It was from one of her best friends and said something along the lines of 'All sorted for tomorrow. $25 each. Make sure you have cash today'. Alyssa was in her room and I don't know why but I knew this wasn't right. One of the conditions of her having a phone was that we would always know the password, but at the same time we promised her that we would never use it unless there was an emergency. I opened her phone and went through her texts and found a whole pile of messages that, even with my limited knowledge, I realized were obviously related to buying and using drugs. As I was reading them she walked in and saw me on her phone … She didn't make it to school that day as we had a huge argument (firstly about me looking at her phone and subsequently about what I discovered when I did) and over the next few hours (and subsequent weekend) we found out that she had been regularly using ecstasy (or MDMA as she called it) for the last 6 months. 
My husband and I are both really stumped at what to do next. The weekend was a nightmare with the more we found out about what was going on, the more terrified we became. Neither of us were drug users when we were young, not even cannabis, so this is a whole new world for us. She kept assuring us that 'everyone' took it and that it was 'harmless' (she kept saying that getting drunk was so much more dangerous). Lots has been said in anger and she's told us that grounding her is not going to stop her doing what she wants. We have no idea what to do next …"

When I spoke to the parents via a conference call, I started by making a couple of points very clear. Firstly, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your teen taking drugs (or drinking alcohol) if that's what they want to do ... you can lock them in a cellar and never let them out but if they want to do it, they'll find a way! Secondly, much of the fear for parents around illicit drugs is usually based on what they see, read and hear in the media. Young people are right when they say that many of the reported harms are exaggerated. That's not to say that there aren't harms - very real harms in many cases - it's just that sometimes we need to be a little more realistic about them and not rely on the media when it comes to the 'facts'. Finally, let's not forget that most illicit drug use is experimental. Many teens dabble for a while and then move out of that phase of their life with few, if any, problems as a result. The reason that parents are so terrified is that this is not always the case - some young people don't make it through the other end and that is what makes this so very scary.

Now this doesn't mean that you should just sit back, do nothing and wait for your teen's drug use to stop … There are certainly some things that I suggested that Maria and her husband should do, however, as in most cases, how the drug use was discovered complicated matters. Most parents find out either by 'stumbling on it' by accident (e.g., finding a drug or drug bag in a pocket when doing their washing or seeing something on social media) or having concerns and going and searching for it (e.g., looking through their room or accessing their computer or phone). Either way, when confronted with what has been found, teens usually respond by lashing out and accusing their parents of invading their privacy and that becomes their focus, i.e., their drug use is unimportant compared to their parent's breach of trust. Trying to navigate through that minefield can be extremely difficult, as Maria had discovered …

So do you ground your child and stop them seeing their friends as a result of what you have discovered? For many parents this is their first (and often, their only) response and, in some cases, I am sure it is effective to some degree. In others, however, if this is all that is done, you simply risk jeopardising the relationship you have with your child. You have just found out that your child is involved in illegal activity, of course you have to apply some sort of consequence. But whatever that is, whether that be restricting their movements or activities for a period of time or something else, it needs to be thought through carefully. Responding in anger and fear is risky.

As far as Maria and her husband's situation was concerned, I stressed one key point - Alyssa was living in their house and, as such, it was incredibly important that their values and views in this area were respected. In addition to applying some sort of consequence for her actions, I suggested they consider the following:
  • most importantly, make your views about illegal drugs clear. Parents underestimate the influence they have on their teens, with evidence suggesting that even during adolescence your opinions continue to matter and can make a difference. Telling your teen that you are disappointed with their choices and that they have let you down can be powerful. Is this likely to change their behaviour? Not necessarily, but at the very least it gives them something to think about
  • ecstasy is illegal - if you can't stop them using the drug, you can insist that no drugs ever come into your house. Make it clear that if you find drugs they will be flushed down the toilet - drugs are expensive and they certainly won't like that idea at all. It is important for them to understand that if they bring the drug into your home they put the whole household at risk, not only themselves 
  • drugs cost money - make it very clear to them that you will not finance their drug use. Cutting off their access to cash is not going to be something they like but can be effective - if they want to buy drugs, they're going to have to find another way to do it. This is not about punishment but rather being true to yourself and the fact that you cannot support the choices they are currently making. You can continue to pay for other things they may need but providing cash will be limited
  • if they believe that ecstasy is not as risky as you think it is - ask to be educated. Get them to spend some time showing you the research they have found and why you shouldn't be as worried as you are. If you've got evidence that contradicts this, all well and good, but make sure it's from a reliable source - teens can smell a piece of government propaganda from a mile away!
So what about ecstasy (or MDMA)? As a parent should you be more concerned about this drug than others out there? Was Alyssa correct when she said that 'everyone' was doing it, that it was 'harmless' and that getting drunk was so much more dangerous?

The greatest problem for many parents around ecstasy is that it is a drug that they simply don't 'get'. It wasn't a drug that they used when they were younger (although there are certainly a growing number of parents who did experiment with the drug in the 90s and later) and all they know about it is what they see in the media. Unfortunately, the only time the media covers the ecstasy issue is when there is a death and although ecstasy-related deaths certainly do occur, they are rare - that's why they receive so much attention! This coverage leads many to believe that deaths are common and that it is a likely outcome should someone choose to use the drug - something that simply isn't true!

Of course, it is unreasonable to expect most parents to be 'experts' on drugs like ecstasy but it is important to be informed as possible on the topic. To assist parents in this area I wrote a blog entry on 5 messages about ecstasy that they should discuss with their teen. But to assist Maria I felt it was important to respond to her daughter's statements about the drug …
  • 'Everyone' does it! According to available evidence, the number of school-based young people who report ever having used ecstasy continues to be low. Recent data, however, shows that almost one in ten 17-year-old school-based males and one in twenty females of the same age have used the drug. It is important to note that once young people leave school the use of ecstasy increases. Ecstasy is the second most popular drug after cannabis among those in their 20s. Regular use is not the norm, with the vast majority of ecstasy users reporting only using the drug once or twice a year, or once every few months. Weekly use is rare. So, no Alyssa, not everyone does it - everyone in your friendship group may be using but most 16-year-olds certainly do not use ecstasy/MDMA
  • Ecstasy is 'harmless'. MDMA is not 'safe' or 'harmless' - the fact is that all drugs, legal, illegal or pharmaceutical, can potentially cause harm. Are you likely to die when you use the drug? No, deaths are rare, but they certainly do happen. In addition, ecstasy is illegal and more people are being 'busted' for use than ever before. A drug conviction will mean they will not be able to get certain jobs and they will not be able to travel to certain countries, just because you got caught with one pill in your pocket. Once again, Alyssa, you got it wrong - ecstasy is certainly not harmless. It has caused deaths in extreme cases and is illegal. 
  • 'Getting drunk' is more dangerous than taking ecstasy. Getting drunk can, of course, lead to a range of harms, including death and injury. When it comes to comparing one drug to another in terms of harm, however, there are lots of problems. There are so many things to consider when looking at how 'dangerous' a drug is or isn't, e.g., the person taking it, where they use it, who they are with when they take it, the purity of the drug, etc. Most importantly, when you use a drug like ecstasy, you don't actually know what it is that you are taking. At least with alcohol it is a legal product and by reading the label on the bottle, you know what you're drinking and the actual alcohol content. This one's a tough one! It is difficult to compare one drug to another and although it is true that 'getting drunk' can lead to great harm, including death, Alyssa, your sweeping statement is problematic. There are so many things to consider and it's never going to be as simple as 'this drug is more dangerous than this one'
If you discover your child is using illegal drugs, as Maria did, no matter what your views in the area, there will undoubtedly be an elevated level of concern about the choices your teen is making. If it's not around physical or psychological health concerns, then it will be to do with the legal consequences of such activity. If they live with you, as well as applying a consequence for their behaviour (they have broken the law), it is vital that you make it clear that you are disappointed with their choices and then set some rules and boundaries about what will and won't be happening in the family home. Although you can put things into place to restrict their movements and activities, in reality, you can't control what they do when they eventually leave your home. That said, you certainly don't have to support the choices they make that you don't agree with …


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