Consanguinamorous Youth

This blog is about equal rights for consenting adults.

But what about minors? It is dangerous to ignore that many minors experiment, explore, and get affectionate with each other. I'm talking about age peers. If an older person is coercing you, or messing with you while you (try to) sleep, that's NOT what this is about. Don't let anyone abuse you!

Much of this entry on how consanguinamorous people can protect themselves is relevant, as can this entry on living together.

This essay is a result of someone anonymous contacting this blog's sister Tumblr to describe a situation he had experienced in his life and to ask if there are any resources to help people who are currently in the position he'd been in so many years ago.

A subsequent message was from a teacher who had to report minors who've revealed their experiences with consanguineous sex, due to mandatory reporting laws that apply to people in certain jobs.

What do you do if you're in a consanguineous relationship or you thinkyou have a consanguinamorous orientation, but you're under the age of consent or not a legal adult?

Please note: Most of this entry is going to be strictly about how things are and practical situations, not about the morality of any given situation or actions. While we welcome all adults and anyone struggling due to prejudice against their gender identity, sexual orientation, or relationships, this entry is NOT endorsing or advocating underage sex or anything else illegal.



It is very important to remember that no matter how mature you feel or are, minors (people who are not yet legal adults in age) do not have the same freedoms and legal standing as adults. Unless emancipated, minors are the responsibility of their parent(s) or guardian(s), who have almost complete control over their life, even if some of those parents or guardians voluntarily provide wide freedoms and obligations to a minor. One bad thing about being a minor is that you do not have the same freedoms and powers as an adult. The good thing is that you’re likely to grow out of being a minor in a year, two, or three!

Practically speaking, even if you're a legal adult, if you're living in your parent's residence and/or financially dependent on your parent(s), you still have to deal with what they want, to some extent. Unless your parents are rarely home and/or are or would be supportive, moving out sooner rather than later might be the best thing for your relationship(s).

Minors in these situations, such as siblings, have two sets of the laws to consider: 1) age of consent; 2) anticonsanguinamory.

Age of consent: Laws vary from country to country and, in the US, from state to state as far as when someone is considered old enough to consent to sex. In the US, the age may be 18, 17, or 16. However, some states have "Romeo and Juliet" provisions in their laws that do not criminalize sex between an underage minor and someone else who is within a certain age.

Incest: While it is great to have laws against abuse (assault, molestation, etc.), "incest" laws in many countries and most US states still, unjustly, criminalize consanguinamory even though there is nogood reason to. A handful of states criminalize sex between even ADULT first cousins, so minors are out of luck in those states, and it is similar for siblings the 47 states that criminalize sex between adult siblings as well as adult uncles/aunts and adult nieces/nephews.


What Is Your Situation?

You’re Attracted, But “Nothing’s Happened” - Whether you’re consanguinamorous in orientation , meaning you are primarily attracted to one or more close relatives exclusively or much more than anyone outside of your family, or you simply happen to have romantic or erotic feelings for one or more family members, if you haven't acted on those feelings, it would be safer for you not to. Some wait. Some don't, because even if they recognize the possible risks and complications and generally respect the law, the hormones and raging and the opportunity to bond seems too good to delay.

You’ve Gotten Together

If you've gotten together, here are the relevant questions:

1) Is one of you pregnant?
2) Does anyone know that you have been sexually affectionate with each other?

   a) Have you outed against your will?
   b) Have you been caught in the act?
   c) Have you been ratted out to law enforcement?

If neither of those things (pregnancy or someone else knowing) have happened, it would be best they not for as long as you’re dependent on someone else, but especially if you’re a minor. If one of you has a working testicle and another of you has a working ovary and uterus, it can happen. All it takes is one sperm cell to reach one ovum, and that can happen without intercourse. There are many forms of contraception with various failure rates and various potential side effects/risks, including “Plan B,” which can be taken after intercourse or other sexual activity, and clinics, including clinics at some schools, can supply some of them.

Pregnancy

If there is a pregnancy, the legally allowed options, depending on where you live, include abortion, adoption (public and private), “safe surrender,” and raising the child. There are difficulties with any path and any choice can be very tough.

Three things to consider: 1) Raising a child changes everything and takes time, effort, and money. Depending on where you live, there are programs both public and private for the pregnant, as well as for infants, young children, and struggling parents. 2) Children are used as evidence of crime in cases of consanguinamory. 3) There is an increased, but still minority, risk of serious genetic problems.

Safe surrender laws are extremely helpful for someone who decides not to raise a child but doesn’t undergo an abortion. It means going through with the entire pregnancy, but since these laws allow you to hand over the newborn with no obligations or incrimination, it provides a legal way to avoid certain negative risks and consequences. In the US, different states have different laws; some will be more favorable to you than others, and it may be worth it to travel, even temporarily, to another state.

A family law attorney can arrange for a private adoption.

Since pregnancy can happen without intercourse (for example, semen transfers from a finger, sex toy, or even a turkey baster), it isn't irrefutable proof of consanguineous/underage intercourse, but some states have criminalized some of those other possibilities, too, and law enforcement may still proceed as though the pregnancy/resulting child is conclusive proof of criminal intercourse.

Outed

A pregnancy can out you. But there are other ways to be outed, including someone (especially someone hostile) finding text or images, or being an ear or eye witness to something. Please note that images/video of someone under the age of 18, depending on what's going on in the images or video could be a violation of federal and state laws.

Unfortunately, if you’ve been ratted out to law enforcement, you may be tried as an adult even though the law says you’re too young to consent to sex. Even without a criminal prosecution, law enforcement and/or social workers might force you to live apart, undergo counseling, and do other things you might not like. If at all possible, it would be best to have a good attorney representing you in such matters, and of course that is a whole lot easier if parents or guardians are willing to pay good money for one, which some might be willing to do even if they do not support the relationship. An attorney might suggest moving from one county to another or from one state to another (as the matter will typically be a county or state issue), but without an attorney advising you move, be very careful because there could be federal laws that will then come into play.

More people are outed to parents than ever prosecuted, and that can still be a problem, especially if the parents are prejudiced, repressive, or otherwise abusive. While some parents abuse their children by molesting them, or notice the sex appeal of their teen even if doing so make them feel guilty, other parents hate to think of their child, even their adult children, as sexual. So, finding out their children are having sex with each other or young aunt/uncle or a cousin can be especially upsetting, even more so if they find out by catching them in the act. Even understanding parents with no prejudice may take it as a shock. Parents may blame one person more the the other(s), depending on ages, genders, established dynamics, and many other factors.


Nobody Knows (Except Maybe Trustworthy Allies)

If none of the above has happened, then it is probably best to keep it that way for the time being. You may decide to come out (at least to a few people) later.

If you think you may be consanguinamorous as an orientation, it would probably best to hold off on announcing that until you've moved out or are able to.


Whatever is going on or not, you may want to date outside the family.


Make Plans to Move Out as Soon As Practical
Young relatives can share a new residence without raising eyebrows. So unless your parents are rarely around and/or are supportive, it would be best to ensure some privacy, even if all you can afford is a room in someone else's house or a small apartment. Depending on the likelihood of a landlord or roommates interacting with people who know of your relation, you might even be able to live as lovers.


Possible Ways to Find Help or More Information

It isn't easy for a minor who is consanguinamorous to find help. That's what inspired this essay in the first place.

Depending on the state, some people (such as teachers and health care professionals, for example) are “mandatory reporters,” meaning if they hear about someone under the age of consent having sex in general or consanguineous sex specifically, they must/will report it, just like they have to report suspected abuse. They may call it abuse and say that is why they had to report it.

Below I’ll list several organizations that are generally sex-positive and may provide some assistance, but IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER that I have no indication that these organizations or individuals in them aren’t hostile to consanguinamory and no assurance that they won't report you if you tell them you're having (consanguinamorous) sex.

You might want to approach these professionals and organizations cautiously, insisting you're talking about a hypothetical situation, or doing research, or "asking for a friend" (which people see right through, but still.) Avoid admitting YOU are having sex even if they clearly believe you are. I guarantee that anyone who has worked in such a capacity for a while has heard from other minors who are involved.

• Attorneys, especially family law or criminal law attorneys (some attorneys specialize in exactly those two areas) can be very helpful to consult.
  
• There are various online forums geared towards teens, including some with a focus on relationships and sexuality. The best such forums will tend to exclude participation from adults who aren't administrators, moderators, or contributors so that predators can't use them to get access to you.
   
• Planned Parenthood 
• National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
  
• The Center for Sex-Positive Culture
  
• Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance
   
• Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS)
  
  If you're LGBTQ:
  
• Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network
  
•  Gay-Straight Alliance Network

Can You Help?

If anyone reading this knows of organizations, professionals (therapists, counselors, lawyers, etc.) or forums who/that are “safe” for minors who are (considering) engaging in consanguineous sex to consult, please comment below (you can do so anonymously) or send an email to fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com

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Two Men Denied Their Rights

Jane has another interview with a man denied his right to marry.

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Lifelong Double Love

Our dear friend Jane has published a heartwarming interview by a woman who has found lifelong love in a consanguinamorous relationship. Read it here.

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NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #7

“What’s next?” “Where do we draw the line?” What's wrong with letting consenting adults have the freedom to love each other as they want and agree? Who has a problem with that? Rather than coming up with convoluted schemes for which groups of people will get which rights, why not support the rights of all adults? It’s really quite simple:

The right to marry or to personal consortium shall not be abridged or denied by the United States or any state on account of sex, gender, sexual orientation, ancestry, consanguinity, or number of participants.

(Adapt that to your country, province, etc.)


There is no good reason to deny an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion, the right to share love, sex, residence, and marriage (or any of those without the others) with any and all consenting adults without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination.

Feel free to share, copy and paste, and otherwise distribute. This has been adapted from this page at Full Marriage Equality: http://ift.tt/1K0B6Zj

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #6 

Go to NOT a Good Reason to Deny Love #8

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New Blood Pressure Guidelines

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World AIDS Day

December 1 is World AIDS Day. It is very important to remember those we've lost to AIDS, to care for anyone battling AIDS, and to care for anyone with HIV.

We must continue to work for a cure and continue to fight the spread of HIV.

We should also never forget that stigmas, ignorance, bigotry, sex-negative attitudes and shaming have helped spread HIV and AIDS.

Let's continue to work for a better culture in which people aren't shamed and marginalized for their sexuality, nor stigmatized for getting sick.

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Intergenerational Relationships Aren't Automatically Abusive

After I boosted my post "Intergenerational Relationships Can Work" on the Tumblr counterpart to this blog. (And again, we are talking about ADULTS.) This prompted someone to anonymously message that Tumblr blog...

Oh, hey! Somehow I didn't notice you supported intergenerational relationships, and I checked your answers to common objections and there was no reference to it, so may I direct you to a couple of links you might find interesting? They are against intergenerational relationships, but they might have notions you haven't considered.

From what I could see, the objections to intergenerational relationships (generally meaning 20 or more years difference in age) or even just age-gap relationships (less than 20, but, say ages 18 vs. 24 or 30 vs. 45) were all variations on the "power imbalance" argument.

Now, before we go further let me say as I've said before that just because I think all consenting adults should be free to be together without criminalization, bullying, or discrimination, and this blog defends intergenerational relationships in general, that of course not every intergenerational relationship is a good thing, sometimes because one person is abusive or manipulative, sometimes for other reasons. This is true about any relationship, whether heterosexual or gay, interracial or endogamous, monogamous or polyamorous, open or closed; whatever variety. It also goes for friendships, business relationships, and any other kind of human interaction.

Let me also say that personally, when there has been a significant age gap in my own relationships, it has more often been with women older than me rather than younger than me. I'm older and wiser now and I still don't see the relationship I had with a middle-aged woman when I was an "adult teenager" as problematic. That relationship gave me some of the best times in my life, helped me through a lot of things, and improved me in many ways.

OK, with that out of the way...

No relationship is going to have perfectly equal power between the individuals. There is a power differential in just about any relationship, sometimes an enormous power differential. One person is more emotionally needy than another. One earns more than the other. One is more educated than another. One has more friends and family than another. One has more life experience than another. On and on it goes. Statistically, most women (not all, of course) who to choose to marry men marry a man who is physically stronger, taller, and bigger than them. Isn't that a power imbalance? On the other hand, there are many who say that since almost all men are born of women and many are breastfed and cared for by women, that emotionally, a woman married to a man has more emotional power over him.

Would it be wrong for a tall, 30-year-old woman who is a highly trained and experienced professional mixed martial artist, and wealthy as a result, who also has an MBA, to date and have sex with a short, 30-year-old man who isn't very toned and makes his living as a retail store clerk and has no college degree? It might be an impossible dream for such a man, but would it be automatically abusive and wrong for her to date and have sex with him, because of the power imbalance?

Some of the best and most enduring marriages in Hollywood are between a celebrity and someone who isn't famous, even though fame can bring someone much power.

How much power imbalance is too much should be up to the individuals involved. Sure, if you see that it is clear one person is abusing another, you can tell the abuser off and urge the abused person to get out of the relationship. Of course abusers should be called out, and if you witness anything like assault or what amounts to abduction or hostage-taking, you can report the abuser to police regardless of what the abused person wants. But an age gap doesn't automatically mean the relationship is abusive.

Age is only one factor when it comes to power. Should billionaires only date and have sex with other billionaires? Geniuses only with other geniuses? Models only with other models? Psychiatrists only with other psychiatrists? Weightlifters only with other weightlifters? Judges only with other judges? Governors only with other Governors? Also, being older doesn't always make someone more powerful in a social relationship. Someone can be 30 and have more life experience and more interpersonal skills and more relationship experience and more confidence than someone who is 50, depending on the lives they've lived, and this can be the case without the 50-year-old having anything seriously wrong with them. If we agree that, in general, a 38-year-old has more power than an 18-year-old, what about a 58-year-old with a 38-year-old? Or a 78-year-old with a 58-year-old? It isn't always so clear. Haven't we all known of middle-aged adults who are wrapped around the finger of their 19-year-old child, or defer to and cater to that grown child because of the child's personality or conditions? That is a problematic relationship, but it isn't because the older person is being abusively manipulative; the younger person is exercising more power.


You may not like the idea of an 18-year-old dating a 25-year-old or a 30-year-old or a 40-year-old, but if someone that age can consent to undergo major elective surgery, join the military, operate heavy machinery, or be sentenced to life in prison or even to death for their actions, how can we say that can't consent to love another adult the way they want?

No, in most cases, someone who is 18-25 years in age is not going to be "on the same level" as someone who is, say, 35-55 years old, and that can be OK. It can even be a good thing. We see this with things like having a professional mentor, or friend who is more experienced in a hobby or other interest you share, or when a new, young parent benefits from having neighbors who've just finished raising their kids.

The idea that the people in a dating/romantic/sexual relationship should be the same age, the same class, the same race, etc. is a throwback to thinking of relationships as all about marriage and marriage being solely about babymaking and a business deal to perpetuate a specific group. Tied into that is the sexist notion that women are somehow of lesser worth if they're unmarried or widowed and have "lost" their virginity, if they're not getting pregnant by a husband and birthing healthy babies; that they're of diminishing worth for each year past the age of 25 or the more partners they've had. In such a view, someone who is older is "using up" the young woman, as though she's a loaf of bread. And since it is about making babies for a man and definitely not about a woman enjoying someone's company (sexual or otherwise), an older woman should certainly not be scandalous by having a younger lover.

Thankfully, that way of thinking is literally dying out.

You can find relationship experts, therapists, and other mental health professionals and sociologists who will say that relationships with age gaps are automatically problematic. But there are also others who say not only that they aren't automatically problematic, but also that they can be good things. There are many mentally and emotionally healthy people in healthy, functional, mutually beneficial relationships that have age gaps.

If someone makes the claim that we should discourage all age gap relationships, they should be asked 1) for their credentials; 2) if they have personally conducted an evaluation of the individuals involved and the dynamics of each such relationship. Of course they haven't.

Of course these relationships should not be criminalized, but they should also not be otherwise discouraged as automatically problematic or abusive. Do not cite examples of abusive relationships as to why no age gap relationship can be acceptable.

Let people have the relationships to which they mutually agree.

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Coming Out Consanguinamorous

Introduction

"Coming out" means declaring or no longer hiding that you're consanguinamorous in orientation or in a consanguinamorous relationship. Whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is something that can weigh on the mind of a consanguinamorous person.

Getting to decide whether, when, to whom, and how to come out is a privilege that is sometimes denied people who are outed against their will or by accident. Consanguinamorous people should seriously consider how to protect themselves.

Please note this entry is about coming out in general, such as to family, friends, etc., not about coming out to a romantic/sexual/spousal partner. That has many different considerations and warrants its own entry.

Stay in the Closet If/Until...

Stay in the closet if the risks or negative consequences of coming out  where you live/work will outweigh the positives or benefits. Stay in the closet until that changes. In determining this, you should also consider the needs and feelings of your current or past consanguinamorous partner(s) who would likely be outed along with you. For example, a 25-year-old woman may feel like she'll be OK if she comes out, but what about her 50-year-old father, who is her partner? He is far more likely to be seen as an predator, even if the relationship was entirely consensual and initiated by the woman, who wasn't raised by him but rather a loving adoptive father and mother?

Having to hide who you are or your loving relationships can be a psychological burden and can unduly restrict your life. Under current legal and cultural conditions in most places though, it is generally safer for you and your lover(s) if you stay in the closet.

In some places, being out can mean being tortured and murdered. In other places, that's not likely, but you can be criminally prosecuted, fined, and thrown into prison for decades. Even in most places where consanguinamory isn't criminalized, you can still be persecuted, harassed, bullied, and discriminated against (refused housing, denied employment, denied the right to marry, etc.), estranged/shunned/disowned from/by family members, and lose friendships. Yes, it is a travesty that these things happen to people simply because they love each other, but that's a sad fact of life we are working to change.
Some people will wait to come out until one or more of the following is true:

• they are living where consanguinamory isn't criminalized
• consanguinamorous people are protected against discrimination
• they are financially secure, likely for the rest of their life
• they are retired or self-employed with supportive clients/customers
• they are no longer in a consanguinamorous relationship, especially if they are unlikely to get into another one or resume a past relationship
• their parent(s) or other family members likely to object have passed
• the benefits of coming out outweigh the drawbacks (this can be relative to the person and situation, such as the emotional burden of remaining closeted being too much to endure)

Why It Can Be Good To Come Out

It can be good to come out for both personal and societal reasons.

Personally, coming out can lift psychological and emotional burdens. Being open and honest with medical professionals, therapists, counselors, attorneys, financial planners, and other professionals benefits people, as does being able to he open and honest with family, friends, and social contacts. Otherwise, simply going through life can have unnecessary challenges.

For society, visibility helps. Coming out shows other consanguinamorous people that they're not alone. It can also open the minds of others and encourage people to become allies. It's easier to perpetuate prejudices if people think only "bad" people they don't know do these things. Having large numbers of people come out will allow medical professionals, sociologists, and others study the dynamics of consanguinamory. This can be beneficial for relationships in general.

Your life situation and your local culture and laws may be such that coming out is the right decision for you, especially when you consider how coming out can help you and others by helping to raise awareness, start dialogues, open minds, and change laws.


If and When You Decide to Come Out

If Possible, Don't Out Others Without Their Consent. You may be ready to come out, but will your coming out also out someone else who isn't ready to come out? Discuss things with them to either get their consent or figure out what else can be done. Nobody should be outed against their will unless they are in a position of power and hypocritically persecuting others for who they love.

A Process, Not An Event. For most people, coming out will be an ongoing process, not a single event. It may make sense to come out to one or two people first, people you trust to be supportive and helpful, especially if they can help you come out to others. A common example is first coming out to a sibling or grandparent who can help you come out to your parents. Even if you come out to your family, friends, neighbors, etc, coming out can still be an ongoing process because people will come into your life that make assumptions about relationships and sexuality.

Another way that coming out can be a process is that if there is another factor to your identity or sexuality that is marginalized. For example, if you're polyamorous, it might be better to come out as polyamorous first, depending if people around you are more likely to accept polyamory than consnaguinamory. If you don't fit the cisgender/hetero-monogamist/vanilla mold, or whatever is seen as "traditional" and "normal" where you are in multiple aspects, you might have multiple steps to coming out.

Get Prepared. There's a good chance that you'll  have to defend not only yourself, but consanguinamory in general. Be prepared to deal with the question of why. If you're in a reunion GSA situation, that might need some extra explanation. In addition to this blog, there's the Consaguinamory Wiki, Jane's blog, and Cristina's blog to help you prepare or for you to show someone who has questions.


Brace Yourself. Be prepared for hate, accusation of you being "sick," confusion, bad arguments against you, questions, and people needing time to process what you've told them. You might not get acceptance, support, or congratulations, immediately or ever, whatever your relationship has been like with these people before you came out. Some of them may already know or have strongly suspected, but they may have been more comfortable with things left unsaid. For others, consanguinamory is furthest from their mind and so they may be completely surprised. Some people may even be completely indifferent.

Jealousy or envy might come into play. This can happen in many ways. For example, if you're with your sibling, another sibling or a cousin might wonder why you're not with them. Or a third sibling might resent how close you two are, even if that third sibling has no sexual interest in either of you.

There is the possibility that someone close you, especially a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle, will have had their own experiences with consanguinamory or consanguinamorous feelings, but caved into pressure and it ended. They may be especially resistant to accepting your ongoing status because it is something they think they should have had, but didn't. They may feel, at least for a while, that you should do what they felt they had to do; sublimate your feelings, end your relationship, and pick an "acceptable" life.

Test the Waters. Testing the waters may give you some indication of how someone would react to you coming out, while still allowing you to avoid actually coming out. The easiest way to test the waters is to bring up the topic of marginalized, taboo, or forbidden sexualities and relationships in general (or, if you're feeling bold, you can be specific in bringing up consanguinamory). If you don't find opportunities to do this in the normal course of conversation with these people, then you can do it by bringing up the subject by referencing fiction (books, television shows, movies, theatre, music), a news item, or (proposed) legislation, even if you have to make it up. If you're lucky, they might say something like "What consenting adults do with each other is nobody else's business," to which you can ask. "Are there any exceptions?" Or you can bring up that principle, saying "I think adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults. I can't think of any exceptions to that. Can you?"

If they have a bad reaction to the idea of consanguinamory, you know it is a no-go with them, unless they have a very strong admiration for you, so much so that your coming out to them would change their opinion on consanguinamory. (If you're so confident about that, you don't need to bother the test the waters.) But if is an accepting or supportive reaction from them, you MIGHT be safe. That's not for certain, because sometimes people treat personal matters different than abstract concepts. Think of the man who says he's not racist and is fine with interracial marriage, but gets upset when his daughter brings home a man of a different race. On the other hand, some who've feared that someone would be uptight or close-minded have been pleasantly surprised at their acceptance, whether quick or gradual.

How To Come Out

Make a Plan. There will probably never be a "perfect" time and place, but consider picking a time, place, and methods based on the person(s) to whom you want to come out. Will your lover(s) be with you? Think through what you choose. Can you visualize doing it? Can you run through the scenario in your mind? You can always change your mind right up until the moment it has been done, so adjust your plans as you think best.

What Before Who. If you're in, or pursuing a relationship, to be safe, it might be good to tell the person you're coming out to what is going on before you tell them who is involved, in case you misjudged their tolerance. With some people, the best tactic can be to start by telling them you're in love or that you've found someone special who makes you happy. That tends to elicit encouragement and happiness. From there, tell them that some people might not like it and go on to say it is because of who this person already was to you. If the person you're tellings react negatively, even if they accurately guess your involvement(s), you don't need to (and probably shouldn't) let them know they're right. Of course, if you're simply coming out as consanguinamorous in your orientation and not in a consanguinamorous relationship, this is not an issue.

In the Flesh or Remote? There are many ways to come out, some better than others. In general, it is better to do it in private, calm circumstances. Unless someone is violent and likely to have an outburst or tantrum, in-person is generally better than via electronic face time, a video or audio recording, a picture, or a written message. (In-person, if not being recorded, also tends to leave less evidence that can be used for criminal prosecution, if that is a concern.) However, if you want to come out to many people at the same time, there may be no other option than to do it through some form of electronic communication.

Use the Past. If you're coming out to a family member, do you know of any of your common ancestors who were consanguinamorous? How about living relatives? Or was someone else in the family out as some other marginalized sexuality? Leading off with that might be the best way to ease into what you reveal about yourself.Not a Victim. If someone may be mistaken as a victim because of their age or gender or some other reason, it might be best for them to break the news. For example, if you're a young woman who is with her father, and you two want to come out to your grandmother, it might be best if you are clearly directing the conversation. It might even be best to do it away from your father. This might help ease concerns on the part of your grandmother that you were somehow manipulated or coerced. If possible, start off by getting agreement from the person you're coming out to that you're an adult who can make her own decisions about her body, sexuality, and relationships. It can also help to explain that intergenerational relationships can work and they're not inherently abusive whether the older person is the mother, father, aunt, uncle, or whatever. If you're siblings, this might help your family.

Request Their Cooperation. Unless you don't care who knows, implore the person to respect you by keeping the news to themselves in so far as you need. Point out that, depending on where you live, prejudice can be result in threats to your life, your freedom, your employment, etc. Let them know how they can be an ally to you and how they can help you and others.




You May Not Have to Actively Come Out

Depending on your situation, you might not have to actively come out. Rather, you simply stop holding the closet door closed. For example, if you're with your sibling and others know you spend a lot of time together, if they ask if they can set you up or when you're going to "settle down" and find someone, if you're not interested in taking on other relationships, you can say something like, "I'm happy with my life the way it is." Or if someone says you're spending too much time with your sibling or you are "too close," you can say something like, "This makes us happy. We like being together." Neither of those statements is an outright statement that you're consanguinamorous, but it leaves it open for interpretation.

Sometimes, you're better off, at least for the moment, under a "don't ask, don't" tell approach. There's an elephant in the room, but as long as it isn't discussed, there'll be peace.

Wearing or displaying the Friends of Lily symbol can be a silent way of making a statement.

Remember

No matter what other people say or do, your worth is not determined by them. You're life is made up of your actions. Though you may crave someone else's approval, you don't need it to live your life. You might want to shout from the rooftops, or maybe you don't want to tell anyone. Your life, and your love life especially, is yours, just as other people have been living theirs. If you need some reassurance and acceptance, join our free forum, Kindred Spirits. Unlike so many others, it is not a fetish site. It is for serious discussion by consanguinamorous people and allies. You may also find help elsewhere.

Have you come out? Tell us how it went. Are you planning to come out? Let us know. You can comment below (including anonymously) or send email to fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

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Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest?

The short answer: Nobody knows for sure, but it appears to be common enough that you know someone who has been involved, whether you know it or not. If you have been, are, or want to be involved, you are not alone and it doesn’t make you bad or sick. You’re in the company of royals and peasants, urban dwellers and rural folk, the wealthy and the poor throughout history. Regardless, rights are not reserved for the majority.

This answer is addressing consensual incest, in which I include, in addition to adults, minors who four years or less apart in age when force or coercion are not used. This is what I call “consanguinamory” or consanguineous sex. This answer is not about child molestation, sexual assault, or rape.



The question is asked various ways:

How common is consensual incest?
How common in consanguinamory?
How common is sibling sex?
How common is family sex?

I will also address:

How common are dreams of incest?
How common are incest fantasies?
How common are thoughts of incest?

I’ve already made it clear I’m talking about consensual sex. But there’s another part of the definition of incest that needs to be determined: what relations are considered incestuous ones?

If we include first cousins, then incest is very common, and always has been. It some cultures, marriages between first cousins are still very common. About half of US states will marry first cousins.

Including step-relations (stepsiblings, for example) or adopted relations, as some anti-incest laws do, then again, incest is very common.

But even if we only include half or full-blooded siblings, parents and their adult children, grandparents and their adult grandchildren, and aunt/uncles and nieces/nephews, incest is common enough that everyone knows someone who has been involved in incest, especially if we include people experiencing reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction (the meaning of which includes the fact that they were not raised with or by each other).

As I said in the short answer, nobody knows for sure. Ridiculous laws against consensual incest along with other forms of discrimination, prejudice, ignorance, bullying, and ridicule don’t exactly foster an atmosphere of open and honest discussion or reliable research. If we rely on such things as…

personal responses to surveys…which are likely to have underreporting even if anonymous

DNA tests…which are not performed on everyone, nor always checked for indications of consanguinity (but sometimes are)

criminal cases…which only involve a very small minority of relationships

family records and oral history…which are likely to hide incestuous ancestry even if it was known, which it often wasn’t

…we’re still not going to know about everything. Still, what we have seen indicates that a sizable minority of the population has participated in consanguinamory, and many more have thought about or fantasized about it. About 10% of people in their early 20s will confide in surveys to already having had consensual sexual contact with a sibling. If you have entertained thoughts about having a threesome with twins or other siblings, or with a parent and their adult child, you have thought about incest. Internet searches and traffic, online discussion and chat areas, and erotica (see Literotica.com and the "Taboo" movie series) or adult media publication and usage indicate a high level of interest. Histories, biographies, mythologies, and fiction of all kinds, in movies and books and more, from years past through today also contain tales of consensual incest.

Youthful crushes, infatuations, fantasies, and exploration may just be a passing phase, or may develop into a lifelong spousal-style relationship, or fall anywhere between those two ends of the spectrum. While many children play doctor or games that lead to some experimentation, some people don’t have their first brush with consanguinamory until well into their adult years; even as elderly widows and widowers.

As far as incestuous dreams, it should be noted that sex or sexual attraction in dreams is sometimes representative of feeling close to someone or wanting to be closer or show love in some way. It isn’t always an indication of an actual sexual attraction, but sometimes it is.

Studies indicate that most people are attracted to people who look like themselves, which obviously includes close biological relatives more than anyone else. However, when any two people are raised together in the same family or group home, or one raises the other in such close quarters, related or not, something called the Westermarck Effect may suppress attraction to each other. This effect isn’t present in everyone, or isn’t present strongly enough to suppress attraction or curiosity in everyone. Also, close biological relatives who were not raised together (or one wasn’t raised by the other) wouldn’t experience this effect. On the contrary, the extremely powerful effect of Genetic Sexual Attraction is present in up to half of all reunions/introductions of post-pubescent close biological relatives (after adjusting for sexual orientation). With divorces, break-ups, one-night stands or other relationships in which parents their children or siblings may be separated, adoption, and egg, sperm, and embryo donations, this is becoming an increasing phenomenon in our highly mobile world.

Many people who have experienced Genetic Sexual Attraction, even those who are in lasting, happy consanguinamorous relationships together would have expressed disapproval or discomfort at the idea of consanguinamory before they experienced GSA. But just because one person is disgusted or insists they would never do such a thing doesn’t make it wrong for someone else, nor does it change the fact that does happen. As for consanguinamory between family members raised together or raised by each other, the convenience of proximity and privacy, and the existing foundations of trust and love may foster curious, fleeting exploration or deep and abiding passion.

None of this is to say that any one person should pursue a consanguinamorous relationship with another. Not everyone is right for everyone else at any given time in life. I have my own advice about making a decision about a possible relationship.

If someone in your family or one of your friends is in a consanguinamorous relationship and you are concerned, please read this.

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