There Is No Good Reason to Deny the Consanguineous Freedom to Marry

Over and over again, we see there is no good reason to deny people in consanguinamorous relationships their right to be together, including their freedom to marry. There is no good reason to deny full marriage equality for all adults.

Anti-equality bigots don't have good arguments, so instead of arguing they'll usually say, after making their ignorant assertion, something like "I'm not going to discuss this any further!" or they'll try to insult the person who disagrees with their hateful, prejudiced statements.

Repeating the same prejudiced assertion over and over again isn't an argument.

The rhetorical equivalents of jumping up and down, rolling eyes, pointing, and saying "See! We said this would happen!" is not an argument.

Recently [a while ago now], a bunch of sister publications profiled a couple who are Friends of FME and Friends of Lily and even more recently, professional anti-equality websites printed reactions because they knew it would get them a lot of hits. Their readers actually like to read about these relationships, as is obvious from their reactions and comments. Of course they claim to protest, but their actions betray them. They read, and then shriek into the echo chamber a few of the usual Discredited Arguments, often #1, 4, 18, and 22.

They don't bother to consider that the couple in the article not only were not raised together, but didn't even know of each others' existence until they were heading for middle age. The haters don't bother to take into account this couple will not be having children. They do not grasp that saying "they'll have mutant babies!" doesn't apply because they're not going to be having babies together. (These people often have much ignorance about human sexuality and reproduction.)

I replied to the tweets from the official accounts, and that prompted some rabid haters to attack me. They kept repeating Discredited Arguments 1, 18, and 22 and restating what they thought was going on, as if these were reasons the lovers shouldn't be together. They kept addressing me as though I was someone in the article, demonstrating a lack of a grasp on basic reality.

I detail the Twitter exchanges below, but I offer a TRIGGER WARNING because of their bigotry, which includes transphobia, homophobia, ableism, anti-equality, anti-consanguinity, and sexual assault.



I tweeted to @BethanyRedYarn @BreitbartNews "They're for real. And many other people have similar lives. But nobody can make you believe it."


For that, someone named "Cole" @xXNoPCXx replied with the ever-so-thoughtful...

Just look at the picture... No need to even respond, to this idiotic ranting of a confused child of incest.

By picture, I assume he means the same picture at the top corner of this blog. Somehow, from that, he infers my parents are close relatives, though they aren't.

Here's an "argument" that was typical of "Cole" @xXNoPCXx

You're talking about incest, that's not a right you ignorant f---.

(Censoring by me to protect your delicate eyes. Yeah, he's got quite the potty mouth.) It didn't matter how much I gave him links to try to enlighten him. Another one from him...

If science isn't proof enough, I guess I'm out of luck. Go f--- your goat.

By "science" he apparently meant Discredited Argument #18; never mind they won't be having kids. I tweeted back "So if they are older, sterile, or same-sex, you have no objection? Or is this just a red herring?" To which his fail of a response was...

No red herring. It's disgusting and science proves my point.

He thinks his saying "science" is some kind of magic word, apparently, even though he's wrong. He also had this priceless analysis...

You think because you're tolerant, and I'm not, I'm not Christian like. Surprise, you're an idiot.

Yes, Cole is definitely Christian-like, as we can see. I hadn't said anything about religion, so this must be a canned answer he uses to charm people.

A typical assertion of his...

Consenting siblings should be able to f--- each other is disturbing. Like being a tranny. It's not right. At all.

He couldn't explain exactly what was wrong with transgender people or consenting adults being together. His slur that these things are disturbing doesn't make it so. He got paranoid...

As they infringe on my rights? It's unhealthy and if people with same parents want to f---, go to Iraq.

He couldn't explain exactly how adults being together how they want would infringe on his rights. I have no idea what Iraq has to do with this. These relationships exist everywhere. I wrote "Also, we let people w/ obvious genetic diseases have sex, marry, have children. So why not healthy 40-somethings?" His response?

You're a walking example of that

Well, there you go. He sure showed me, didn't he? Not really. He tried this brilliant argument...

And there are laws against incest. Google it

I responded "There were laws against interracial relationships, too. And there are no laws against it in many countries, and three states."

Even though he seemed to think some places having laws against it was enough, he jumped to another position and wrote...

I don't need a law to tel me something is wrong. Maybe you do

To which I responded with "But you do need a good reason to deny people their rights. Otherwise you'll keep losing in courts." I also wrote "It is immoral to persecute consenting adults for loving each other. How about dem apples?"

His brilliant retort?

That's a stupid statement from a stupid person. If one consents to f---ing horses, is that okay too? Consent doesn't equal acceptable you moronic waste of incest. Go f--- your sister and leave me alone

I explained, "We're talking consenting adults who can enter into legal contracts, which is what marriage is. You never gave a reason to outlaw."

Defeated multiple times, he went on to Discredited Argument #22...

It's mentally unhealthy. Ask a Dr. You need help, go enjoy cuddling with your mother and sister. 

It's pretty sad that people spout off their hatred as though it is meaningful.

Someone named Ms. Understood, RN @TDsVoice jumped in because she apparently didn't think there was enough hate, but she couldn't handle me and blocked me. But before she did, she wrote...

Why do u keep trying 2 convince me what ur doing isn't harmful? U should be convinced yet ur not.

Patiently, I wrote "I'm not doing anything but defending people who met in their 40s and fell in love. Do you have a reason to deny them their rights?"

She didn't, but she thought throwing out an "Amen!" to her own statement was somehow convincing.

Let's get back to Cole @xXNoPCXx. Completely impotent against reason and legal precedents, he came up with this skillful line of logic, still mistaking me for some imaginary foe of his own mind...

Go away you sister f---ing, goat raping pedophile. It's not a right to f--- your siblings.

Yes, defending middle-aged people who met as adults and fell in love means someone is a "sister f---ing, goat raping pedophile." Can you believe people like this get to vote? We've made it clear and made it clear to them repeatedly that we're talking about consenting adults. We're against abuse. But Cole sure seems to think sexually about kids a lot. And goats. Maybe there's something he needs to get off his chest?

Since the anti-equality people have no good arguments, they will keep losing. It is just a matter of time before laws catch up to reality as well as court precedents so that an adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any and all consenting adults. Thanks to Cole and Ms. Understood (who certainly did misunderstand) for demonstrating again the lack of reason on the anti-equality side.

Since both of these people are in such a delicate state, you should use discretion should you decide to tweet back to them, which of, course, you are free to do until they block you.


To see all my Tweets, go to http://www.twitter.com/FullMEquality

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Is there a difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old? Do parents use the 'extra half' to justify concerning teen behaviour?

I am considering writing another book at the moment (it's been almost 8 years since the last one was published!) and so have been taking special note of the questions I am being asked by those attending my seminars. As regular readers would know, sometimes a particular question just comes right out and hits me between the eyes, screaming to be written up as a blog entry. Over the last couple of weeks, however, I have been noticing a particular way that questions have been asked by some of the parents after my talks that I find fascinating and I thought was worth discussing ...

Recently a mother came up to me after a Parent Information Evening and asked me the following question:

"My 15⅟₂-year-old daughter is going to parties and I know she is drinking. She knows our rules around this issue and we have never caught her with alcohol but we know it is happening. My husband and I don't like her going behind our backs and we're frightened other things are going to start being done and pushed underground if we don't do something quickly. She's 15⅟₂ and we're wondering whether it's time to relax the rules before she goes ahead and breaks them anyway ..."

That same night a couple asked me how to deal with their 16⅟₂-year-old son who was asking if he could start taking a couple of drinks to take to a party because 'everybody else does'. Last week a similar thing happened, again with two separate queries from parents both beginning their questions by referring to their teen not as 15 but as 15⅟₂! After the second mother asked her question I asked her why she had referred to her daughter as 15⅟₂ and not as a 15-year-old or a Year 10. She was a little taken aback at first and then replied by saying that 'she was almost 16' ... I then said that I didn't mean to be rude but when was her actual birthday? It became pretty obvious pretty quickly that her daughter wasn't even close to 15⅟₂, in fact, she had only recently had her 15th birthday! I then told her why I had asked the question and my recent observations in this area. We then had quite a lengthy talk about why she (and other parents) were using this 'extra half' when they talked about their teens. After the discussion we came to the conclusion that it often appears to be used by parents to justify one or both of the following:

• changes to their parenting that they didn't necessarily feel comfortable with but felt they had been 'forced' or coerced into doing because of their child's behaviour
• changes in their teen's behaviour that was beginning to cause concern but they felt powerless to control

I'm not a psychologist but I'm sure there's some other stuff going on there as well but for the purposes of this piece, let's stick to these. What is particularly interesting is that in my dealings with adolescents I can't recall any young person refer to themselves as 15⅟₂ or 16⅟₂. I'm sure it's happened (and I am sure many parents reading this will say that their teens throw the extra six months at them all the time, particularly when they want to push set boundaries or rules) but in my experience, it's certainly not the norm. Lots of them may say "I'm almost 16" but adding the 'extra half' appears to be much more a parent thing ...

So is there a difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old (or a 16 and a 16⅟₂-year-old for that matter) and does that six months difference justify sacrificing your values around potentially dangerous teen behaviour?

Of course there can be a chasm of difference between a 15 and a 15⅟₂-year-old. During adolescence dramatic changes can occur overnight, let alone over a six-month period. This is why it is so important that as far as rules and boundaries are concerned they keep changing and are re-negotiated where appropriate. I believe, a good rule of thumb around parties and gatherings is to reassess the limits that have been set in this area at least once every six months, ensuring that you reward good behaviour. Remember, if you want your household to survive adolescence, rules for teenagers need to be fair and age-appropriate ... That said, there need to be rules! No 15 or 16-year-old is going to like having any restrictions put on them when it comes to their socialising but it is a parent's job to keep their teen safe, so there have to be boundaries put into place to help ensure things don't go wrong ...

Taking a closer look at the questions the parents were asking where they referred to their teens as either 15⅟₂ or 16⅟₂, it's clear that none of them felt at all comfortable with what was happening but they all felt totally powerless when it came to trying to stop what was going on. One of the couples had recently found alcohol in their Year 10 daughter's room and she had now admitted to regularly drinking at parties. Her response to them had been that now she had been caught she was going to continue to drink and there was nothing they could do about it. I asked them what they had done about the situation and they looked blankly at me and said 'nothing'! She was 15 (or 15⅟₂ as they said!), of course there are consequences a parent can impose for breaking rules at that age. It's not going to be easy, there could be some shouting and screaming and slamming of doors, but if nothing is done, you lose all your credibility and your teen is then going to walk all over you. More importantly, you'll be leaving them open to risks and dangers they simply don't have the capacity to comprehend or deal with at their age.

All the parents that I have mentioned above were feeling forced in some way to accept behaviour around alcohol from their teens that they did not feel comfortable with (i.e., they were threatened with "I'll go behind your back if you don't let me", "There is nothing you can do about it" and "Everybody else does"). I don't think one of them wanted me to turn around and say "Yes, let them do what they want" - all of them were desperate for someone to tell them to stand resolute and be a parent! Of course, rules need to change over time but when it comes to keeping your teen safe, these need to negotiated carefully and, as a parent, you should never feel forced into making changes you don't feel comfortable with ... If your teen's behaviour starts to become really challenging and you feel as if they are at real risk, get professional help, don't try to justify it by saying "Oh, they're getting older, they're 16⅟₂!" 

The most important thing you can do as a parent when it comes to alcohol, parties and gatherings and the like is stay true to yourself and your values. I have met too many parents over the years who have lost their children due to alcohol or other drug use - the vast majority being terrible accidents that should never have happened. When a parent loses a child after being forced or coerced into doing something they didn't feel comfortable with, however, it is particularly devastating. If you feel like it's time to relax your rules in this area, for whatever reason, go ahead and change them accordingly and own your decision. But never feel forced into making changes that don't feel right for you or your family - for as I always say to young people - 'If it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't!'

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Gulab Jamun with gulkand.

Happy Diwali to all of you!!

 I wanted to make something my kids liked. My daughter loves gulab Jamun. This was also one of the first desserts that I made growing up. Gulab Jamun is nothing but dumplings in rose flavored sugar syrup. There are several ways gulab Jamun is made: using milk solids ( mawa/Chenna), using paneer, using flour, using milk powder, using potato or sweet potato too... I like the one with the milk solids the best.

 Today to make it quick and to use what is readily available, I have used milk powder and pancake mix!! Yes, most households have both of these in their pantry. I have made this interesting by adding more gulkand( a paste made from rose petals) and a little pink food color into the batter. It is festive season after all!! My daughter loved it!

I am sure you will like this easy recipe too.

Servings: 6-8 ( serving size: one per person) 

Ingredients: 

For the dumpling ( Jamun): 

Pancake mix: 1 cup

Milk powder: 1 cup 

Milk: 2 tbsp 

Gulkand: 2 tbsp ( optional)

Pink food color: 1-2 drops ( optional)

Ghee or oil: for frying and greasing hand. 

For the syrup:

Sugar: 2 cups

Water: 1 cup

Lemon juice: 1/2 tsp 

Rose essence: few drops ( optional)

Cardamom : 1-2 pods, peeled and seeds crushed.

Recipe: 

Syrup: 

Add water, lemon juice and sugar to a saucepan and bring it to a boil. Continue boiling until it reaches 1-string consistency. This is checked by taking a little syrup in a spoon. Now touch the pad of your index finger to the syrup. Make a pinch with the thumb. While trying to separate the thumb and index finger, you should see a string formed by the sugar syrup. Then the sugar syrup is ready. Turn off the flame. Add rose essence and cardamom powder. 

The dumpling( Jamun): 

Add the pancake mix, milk powder, gulkand and food color to a bowl. Using few drops of milk at a time, make a soft dough but enough to roll into a ball. The dough shouldn't be too soft or too hard. Do not overknead. Pinch a teaspoon of the dough and roll it between grease palms into small oval shaped ball. Do this with all the available dough. 

Heat ghee/oil in a kadai/wok until just hot. Do not make it very hot as the Jamun will burn. If the oil is cold, it will become very oily. Deep fry all the jamuns. The jamuns should puff up a little upon frying. Drain on paper towels. Immediately add it to the hot syrup. 

Let the Jamun sit in the syrup for atleast an hour. They will atleast double in size. If they don't then something was wrong with your batter.

Can be served cold or at room temperature. 

Refrigerate for later use.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy: 

Upon frying if the Jamun is too hard, just steam it for a few minutes and add it to the hot syrup. 

Tip for healthy living: 

Deep frying in ghee/clarified butter is a healthier option than in oil as the ghee takes longer to smoke or chemically disintegrate when compared to the oil. 

Food for thought: 

The actions of men is the best interpreters of their thoughts. James Joyce 

Please do share your thoughts. Your opinion matters!

Let us stay connected on Facebook | Pinterest | Twitter | Instagram | Google+

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Open Letter to the Accomplished and Famous: Come Out Consanguinamorous

We know you're there. You're generally famous or at least famous in your industry, mostly because you're highly accomplished. And... you're consanguinamorous or have experience with consanguinamory. Some of you need to come out.

You're a performance artist, whether an actor or singer or musician or model.
Or you're someone who's held executive positions in the biggest companies.
Or you're an academic.
Or you're a top athlete.
Or a high ranking member of the military.
Or a journalist or author with national stature.
Or... you have some other place in life.


Whatever the case, you've "made it." You have the admiration and respect of a lot of people.

But what hardly anyone knows about you is that you are enjoying, or have enjoyed, a special relationship with a close relative, or you might even be exclusively or primarily attracted to close relatives. Maybe you have an unrequited attraction; the other person knows about it, but the two of you have not become "double bonded."


You need to seriously consider coming out.


We often advise people that the way to protect themselves is to keep things quiet. But if you're willing, we are hereby encouraging you to come out.


Because in coming out, you'll help so many people. You'll open and change minds, you'll give comfort to people who are oppressed. You'll help full marriage equality happen sooner rather than later.

Are there risks? Yes, there are. Some people will hate you because of your feelings or because of your love. There are currently no laws against an employer firing you for being consanguinamorous. Most US states still criminalize such love between consenting adults.


Part of changing that, though, is for people to see that consanguinmorists do exist, they're everywhere, in every demographic and place in society, and there's nothing wrong with consanguinamory. It's easy to dismiss the occasional "couple next door" who have their stories detailed in news media, especially when people don't know their name.

But if someone famous comes out, it's different. It would be very brave, emotionally liberating, and, more importantly, helpful if you came out.

You might be able to tell your story without coming out. I'm willing to tell your story while protecting your anonymity, and if you're connected, I'm sure you can get your story published in a popular mainstream outlet under a pen name. Either of those things would be good.

You can also wait until you've passed. I'd rather you not leave us, but if you don't want to deal with the backlash, perhaps recording or writing something to be released posthumously is the way to go for you?

But it would be even better if you actually came out, while still alive.

Talk with your lawyers, therapists, supportive friends and family, and especially your partner(s), and then, after careful consideration and planning, let the world know there's nothing wrong with your "forbidden" love. You may want to establish residence where your love isn't criminalized, first.


Coming out on your terms is better than being outed against your will. We'd never do that to anyone, except perhaps someone who makes a point of speaking out against civil rights. We very strongly suspect that we know of some very famous actors and musicians who have experienced reunion GSA. Of course we'd never out you, but we hope our writings and videos have given you some comfort.

There are various ways to come out, of course.

You can tweet, publish an essay, or upload a video or audio statement that directly deals with the issue, or do an interview that is solely about the issue or touches upon it. If your professional line of work our your hobby involves creating content, that content can deal with the subject.

There are gradual ways, such as making a point of excpressing support for the rights of ALL adults to marry or simply be together, "no matter their gender, orientation or relation." If you ever discuss the issue with someone who is anti-equality, they will typically bring up "Well what about people who want to be with close relatives?" Asking them, "Why should they be denied their rights?" can take you down the path to outing yourself.

You could give a sign by adopting the Friends of Lily symbol.

If you're currently in a consanguinamorous relationship, you could simply stop hiding that fact by enjoying dates out with your lover(s), holding hands, kissing, etc. People will begin to talk, and when someone brings it up you can say you're in love.

Being in control by outing yourself intentionally is better than being outed by someone else, especially if it catches you off guard. Ultimately, though, it should be your decision whether, when, and how to come out, but if you do, you'll be a hero for doing so. Coming out will help a lot of people.

Whether you're ever going to come out or not, you are welcome to write me and I will keep what you tell me private and protect your identity, as I have done with so many others. I can be reached at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

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Oregon Still Wasting Resources Prosecuting Consenting Adults

Here's an update on lovers we last covered on this blog over two years go.

Why are the authorities in Oregon still wasting time, energy, and money prosecuting consenting adults for loving each other? This doesn't help anything. It just makes things worse, and is unconstitutional.

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Living Consanguinamorously - Dating Outside the Family

"Is it cheating to keep or start being with my relative while dating people outside the family?"

Cheating, which is not to be confused with ethical nonmonogamy, is violating existing agreements with one or more lovers while letting them believe the agreement continues to be in effect and unaltered. So if you have an ongoing sexual relationship with a close relative or family member you will keep, or you are pursuing one, you should not indicate to potential new lovers outside the family that you'll be sexually exclusive with them.

While many people find consanguinamorous relationships to be the best, or are consang in orientation, others are polyamorous (especially as an orientation) and either don't find other consanguineous lovers or have a need for someone who happens to be outside of the family. They might even want a unrelated lover as practical matter, whether due to discrimination against consanguinamory or not. Please do not make someone an unwitting beard, however; it's generally a bad idea to deceive someone entering into a committed relationship with you because you aren't or can't be out about your orientation, relationships, or sex life.

There is not necessarily a need to tell potential new lovers you're involved in or pursuing consanguinamory. In most cases, outing yourself would be a bad idea, especially since consanguinamory is still illegal in many places. However, in many more places, ethical nonmonogamy has mostly been decriminalized or wasn't criminalized in the first place, depending on where you are, so it is far less of a problem to be out as an ethical nonmonogamist.

Do It This Way

Unless you want someone who'll know everything about you and what you do, or you're looking for an informed beard, the best approach when attempting to start new relationships or connect with new lovers is to share with them that 1) you're not going to be sexually exclusive with them and 2) you will not be telling them about your over lover(s). (We're assuming your consang partners are informed and agreeable.)

For some people, this will be the end of seeing you. You have to accept that.

Others will accept those terms and will keep seeing you. They may or may not have the same terms themselves. 

There may come a time when you've determined it would be good to tell your unrelated lovers about some or all of your consanguinamorous involvements. Since this would be a change in your agreement, you should ask them if they are willing to agree to this change (in other words, ask if they want to hear about your other lovers), and you should let them know whether this will be an ongoing change or if this is just a momentary one. Please consider that they may not be willing to change their terms, such as if they have previously maintained that they will not be telling you about their other lovers. That can be a part of how you determine whether or not to share new information.

The possible positive reactions could range from basic acceptance, being an ally, thinking it is sexy, wanting details, wanting to watch, wanting to participate, or sharing information about their own experiences with consanguinamory, so be prepared to reset boundaries depending on your comfort and needs and those of your consang partner(s).

Note that this way of handing nonmonogamy can be applied to just about any relationship. Be honest, but you can be honest in ways that still protect you and others. Don't promise anything you can't deliver. Explain your needs, your boundaries, your expectations, and what you will bring to the relationship; what needs of theirs you can meet. Accept that you may change and others may change, but do not rely on the possibility that others will change to be more to your liking. Don't do, or allow to be done to you, anything to which you don't consent, and don't do anything to others to which they haven't consented.

Sharing Property, Contracts, and Parenting with an Unrelated Lover

Casual romance, sex, or play is one thing, but if you get to a point with an unrelated lover that you're considering doing something serious with them, like buying a home or making other significant purchases; co-signing contracts such as marriage licenses, domestic partnerships, business partnerships, leases; or raising children together, it would be a bad idea to do so without being out to them as consanguinamorous and having their support, especially if you live where consanguinamory is still criminalized. Again, making someone an unwitting beard should be avoided. The last thing you want is to have a home, retirement account, and 2.3 children with someone and have them shocked to discover you in bed with your cousin/sibling/parent/whomever and then turning you over to be prosecuted.

Yet Another Reason For Full Marriage Equality

Discrimination against consanguinamory pressures people to cheat and deceive rather than being open and honest. With full marriage equality and the removal of laws, stigmas, and prejudices against consensual sex and relationships, people will be much less likely to feel a need to sneak around and hide. They will have more freedom to talk about what they need and want and to seek the relationships in which they'll best function, and that will make things better for everyone.

Related:

GSA and Stepping Out

Has Your Partner Experienced Consanguinamory?

For Consanguinamorists Considering Parenting

How to Pull Off Living With Your Consanguinamorous Partner(s)

Why Do Polyamorists Get Married?

How Consanguineous Lovers Can Avoid Trouble

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Cautious Consanguinamory

So, someone you already love wants to love you more, and you want to love them more; you’re mutually attracted. And you’ve considered the pros and consand have decided to go for it. You want to add sexual affection to your relationship.

But you feel a need to go slowly.

You could be nervous and very cautious because it is new, because such experiences are an unknown to you, or because you’ve internalized cultural prejudices.
How do you move forward with care?



For Some, It Was An Event. Some people do not have this problem. They go from 0-60 in nothing, or over the course of a couple of weeks, and then they wonder why they didn’t start earlier. Some say it comes out of nowhere. The day or evening seems like any other, and then they wake up the next morning in bed, next to each other and having had the most intense sexual experience of their life. If you’ve done that and want to take a step back and take it slowly, that might not be possible, because you’ve already experienced it and there’s no reason to back up, but if you do want to back up, or you haven’t gone there yet, the rest of this entry might be helpful.


You Want It To Be A Process. If that Event above didn’t happen to you, you’re in this existing space between anticipation and inauguration. This is when you can discuss boundaries. Boundaries can and often do change, but if there is something you know would be uncomfortable for you in a way that you want to avoid, say so. Do you want to take the lead? Do you want the other person to take the lead? Just leave that open and “see what happens”? What do they want? Is this going to be a romance or a family-with-benefits arrangement, or something else? Also, as with any other relationship, you have to consider if pregnancy is a physical possibility and what to do about that. What about STIs? Is protection needed?


Breaking The Ice can be difficult. You might consider open-mouthed kissing to be that ice breaker, or maybe being nude together. Maybe it would be masturbating in front of each other, or some specific physical contact. Whatever it is, it is a level of affection and intimacy you haven’t previously shared with them. It indicates you have embarked on a new part of your relationship.


How and where you break the ice will depend on what both/all of you want and what you like. It could happen by staying in for a quiet evening at home, or going out on a date, or even by getting own of town on a vacation/holiday or trip. Whether leading up to that ice breaker or only after, you can share hugs/embraces, cuddling, hand-holding, kisses, and massages/rubs that get closer and closer to new territory. Kissing can move from the check to the neck and lips. How about sharing finger foods by feeding each other? Talking about sex and sexy things will make you more comfortable with each other. You can text/sext, but you shouldn’t do so without using a secure/encrypted messaging app that allows the messages to disappear, but even then it is risky if you want to ensure you're never outed.
Moving Forward in Steps allows both/each of you to reflect on your feelings. For example, if you try open-mouthed kissing and at least one of you decides things shouldn’t go further after all, then it stops there. That isn’t likely to happen, but agreeing to that option removes the pressure anyone might be feeling.
When the time comes, you’ll want to remove/eliminate distractions so that you can concentrate on each other without interruption. If nobody involved is a problem drinker, you might find a little wine to be helpful. A nice bath or time together in a hot tub is naturally relaxing. If you are still too nervous, role-playing as strangers or friends or as a fictional couple you both know about can help. If you’re still nervous about touching each other “there,” you can try using toys on each other before moving on to direct contact.

Once the ice has been broken and you both/all want to continue, especially if your relationship is going to be family-with-benefits or something similar or you have other people living with you, especially people you’re not going to be out to, you may find it helpful to have a dedicated room or space for your encounters, and/or a symbol for when one of you is wanting that affection. The symbol could be a simple as placing a specific magnet on the refrigerator or turning on a specific lamp. It could be a seemingly mundane phrase. For example, you could both be sitting in the kitchen and one of you can say, "How about them Yankees?" and that is your signal to move to the spare bedroom.


This is an exciting time, and New Relationship Energy can be especially intense within consanguinamory. It can be easy to have the rest of the world fade away. But obligations and practical considerations can’t be ignored, nor can some of the usual considerations when it comes to relationships. While consanguinamorous relationships usually involve people who care about each other more than in the average relationship, there is a slight risk of at least one person taking another for granted. Avoid that trap in any relationship. Also keep undue guilt out of your relationship. There is no reason you shouldn't be free to love each other as you mutually agree. This entry here might help you figure out how to live together going forward.

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Parental monitoring: Getting it right for your family - your kids, your decisions!

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Let's Break the Silence and Bring People Out of the Shadows and Closets

One definition of "taboo" is "a social or religious custom prohibiting or forbidding discussion of a particular practice."

That means it is possible for many people to be doing something and still have it "taboo" in the sense that nobody talks about it, at least not openly or publicly. The problem with not talking about things is that such silence can lead to serious negative consequences.

Thanks to technology, people can search out information about something without having to ask someone they live with or next to, or a teacher.

Want to know the most popular entry for this blog?

It's not even close.

The most popular entry on this blog, by far, is the entry addressing a frequently asked question of "How Common is Consensual Incest (Consanguinamory)? People from all over the world, but especially North America, Europe, India, and Australia, use search engines to answer the question, and those searches bring them here. The geography is no doubt a reflection of the blog being written in English. (Perhaps I should post more translated entries?)

Before going further, let’s make it clear this entry is talking about sex or sex-play or exploration that is consensual (we’ll call it Category S), not anything involving assault, molestation, or coercion (Category X). We shouldn’t have to reiterate that “sex” means consensual, but unfortunately we still do. (It’s not sex if it isn’t consensual, it is assault.)

The volume of searches and visits can't be accounted for solely by curiosity and journalistic or academic research. Some of that volume is from people who are, were, or want to be involved, or think or are certain someone they know is, perhaps even their partner. We know this because of the comments they leave and the messages they send, and all of the other entries they visit after coming to the blog through their initial question.

Based just on searches that invoke the question and other searches that find this blog*, there are a lot of people who have been involved, are involved, or want to be involved sexually or romantically, or want to be married to, someone law or custom forbids as too close of a relative. Yes, some people are completely disgusted by the thought, but clearly there are many who aren't. And some people are unable to hear or read anything about Category S without thinking of Category X, perhaps because they have been assaulted, which is terrible, but we should not avoid talking about sex because of assault. Even if person A is disgusted by the thought persons B and C having sex, or doesn't understand why these people are involved, persons B and C should be free to be together how they mutually agree.



Some people involved are extremely cautious about reaching out, fearing that they will be discovered by law enforcement, family, a current partner, or an ex with whom they have a child custody dispute, or an employer or client or customers or neighbors who harbor prejudice against people in such relationships. After all, there have been a lot of recent bus sightings. Some of the people who do reach out are highly accomplished, successful, educated, and intelligent people. It's cruel and pointless to compel them to hide (at least some aspects of) a loving relationship with another consenting adult. There is no good reason they should be denied their rights.


There are people who don’t recognize (or admit to themselves) that they have been involved. When some people hear or read the word “incest” they think of Category X. If that didn’t happen to them, they might say they’ve never been involved in incest, not thinking of, say, the time they and a sibling masturbated in front of each other as incest, or even if they've engaged in oral sex with an aunt or uncle close in age to them, or heard/saw their parent(s) having sex were somewhat aroused by it. While first cousins can legally marry in many places, there are still some places that criminalize sex between first cousins, and so involvement with a cousin is considered "incest" as is, in some places and circumstances, involvement with a step relation.

What else could fall under Category S?  The people who are hurt most by prejudice against consanguinamory are people who are living as spouses already and  are married in every sense of the word except by law, who are not only denied their right to legally marry, but in many places, can lose everything and be imprisoned (or even executed) if outed. However, it doesn’t have to be a lifelong spousal relationship to fall under Category S. It could be exploration during adolescence, a fling during adulthood, a sibling-with-benefits arrangement, asexual but romantic dates, or relieving the frustration of an family member who is injured or disabled and unable (even if temporarily) to do it themselves.


The conditions that bring about reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction have increased, and so there are more situations involving GSA, and many of those situations lead to some sexual involvement.

Some of the most popular themes of erotica and porn are considered incestuous, and while someone’s tastes in such material may be entirely based on a fantasy they’d never pursue in real life (for example, people who don’t have siblings or aren’t attracted to their sibling who enjoy erotica involving siblings), there is clearly not only much involvement, but much interest as well. Although, it should be noted that fantasy media is often very different from how things are in reality, and that applies to porn with these themes, too.


As long as we’re talking consensual interaction, it shouldn’t matter if it is experimentation, recreation, or passionate, bonding lovemaking, or in the context of a lifelong romance or a one night hookup; it shouldn’t be illegal anywhere and it shouldn't have be kept a secret. It is happening, and it always has, and nobody needs to be harmed as a result.



Here's what I hope people take away from this entry:


1. If you've had these relationships, experiences, desires, or fantasies, you're not alone, and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with you. There is help. Also, you are welcome here. We support your rights.

2. Laws and stigmas against these relationships, experiences, desires, and fantasies need to be done away with and replaced with protection of rights, and people need to be able to talk about these matters. Even if you haven't been involved, you know someone who has, so please be an ally.


3. There can and should be be fair and compelling media portrayals of these subjects, both in nonfiction and fiction, in drama and comedy. The subject has always been in our stories, from Greek mythology to The Bible to Game of Thrones to the antics of various reality television performers.

4. Serious academic research into these subjects should be encouraged rather than discouraged.

5. Therapists, counselors, social workers, and medical professionals interacting with people who have these involvements should accept and reinforce that such desires, experiences, and relationships are not inherently problematic (some do, all should).




*Here are just some actual search terms that brought people to this blog recently. There are many variations of these that are somewhat redundant, too, and these search terms have all been  used many times...

sibling sex
incestuous marriage
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is it normal for siblings to experiment
is incest a crime
positive incest experiences
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is it illegal to date your sibling
half siblings marriage
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is it common for siblings to experiment sexually
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mom son couple
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what percentage of siblings have sex
experiences with adult sibling sex

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