If fewer teens are drinking alcohol and if they do drink, they're older when they start, do we know why?

With the release of the latest National Drug Strategy Household Survey (NDSHS) results we now have even more evidence that growing numbers of our young people are choosing not to drink alcohol. At the end of last year we saw the release of the data from the Australian Secondary School Alcohol and Drug (ASSAD) survey(23,000 students from Catholic, Independent and state schools surveyed from across the country) which told a very similar story. Put simply, fewer teenagers are drinking alcohol. My favourite piece of data from the ASSAD survey is that in 1999 we had around one in ten 12-17-year-olds who had never used alcohol, but in the 2014 survey we had 1 in 3 who reported never drinking. That is a phenomenal result and a cultural shift that we should be celebrating!

This is not just an Australian phenomenon, we are seeing similar results in many parts of the world. I was in The Netherlands last year when their school data was released and their numbers are almost identical to ours, the recently-released US figures show a decline and some of the UK figures show quite dramatic reductions in alcohol use. It would appear that we are seeing a shift in attitudes towards alcohol and drinking amongst our young people. Now it's important to make it clear that we still have significant issues with some of our teens and underage drinking. Australian data shows that although we appear to have fewer teens drinking, those that do, continue to drink in a risky way, with some research suggesting that they may even be drinking in a riskier manner than in the past.

So if there are fewer Australian teens drinking (and that certainly reflects what I see in schools across the country), why is this happening?

There has been very little research conducted on those young people who choose not to drink and why they make this decision. Most studies have focused on how this group deals with the pressures they face to drink, particularly during adolescence, as well as examining some of the strategies they choose to use in social situations to avoid drinking. As more young people make the decision not to drink (or at the very least, delay their first drink or drink less), however, more research is being conducted, particularly in university or college settings in the US, and, as a result, we are learning more about their motivations. 

Some of the more 'traditional' reasons given for young people not drinking include the following:

• religious and/or cultural prohibitions
• sporting or academic ambitions
• family history of alcohol misuse
• not liking the taste and/or effects of alcohol
• cost of alcohol

In more recent research, although factors such as taste, cost and not fitting in with other commitments continue to be identified, it would appear that real life observations (i.e., young people watching those around them, both family and friends), appear to have the greatest influence. In a 2014 study looking at young people who drink little or no alcohol, the following influences were identified:

• good parental models – their family set boundaries around appropriate drinking behaviours and had provided them with positive role models in 'how to drink'
• seeing negative effects of alcohol on family members – as much as the family can provide good role models around sensible drinking, some young people experience the negative consequences of parents' or other family members' alcohol use and the problems it causes to their lives and relationships leading them to choose to abstain
• seeing negative effects of alcohol on friends and others around them – friends and others drinking to excess and experiencing problems (e.g., personal harm and damaged social reputations) reinforced the decision not to drink

None of these are really surprising and still don't explain why we have seen such a significant change with the young people of today. Could there be something that is unique about this generation that makes them view alcohol and drinking differently? 

Recently, there have been a number of studies conducted in the UK that have sought to explain why we are seeing growing numbers of those aged 18-25 years choosing not to drink alcohol. A 2016 article in the New Scientist called 'Generation Clean' highlighted some 'modern' issues that have been identified in recent research that could possibly explain this phenomenon. These included the following:

• financial pressures – this, of course, relates to the cost of alcohol once again, but studies suggest that this generation, in particular, have great concern in this area with growing student debt, greater job insecurity and rising housing costs. Drinking alcohol costs money and there is evidence to suggest that some young people are opting for cheaper ways of socializing
• socializing no longer requires meeting in a pub or bar – there are a number of studies to suggest that social media could be impacting on drinking behaviour. Traditional methods of communicating and socializing continue to be important for many, but there are now other options and young people are embracing these. So much communication is now conducted on-line and does not necessarily have to involve holding a drink in your hand in a crowded venue
• concern about on-line image - once again, this relates to social media and the fact that cameras are everywhere. If you drink to excess and do something stupid, it is now there forever. Young people are also becoming increasingly aware that employers often look into a job-seeker's online presence - what you do on a Saturday night can have long-term implications on your future employment prospects
• increasingly diverse populations – as countries increasingly welcome newcomers from cultures where drinking is less common, some experts believe this could be exposing young people to alternative ways of socializing that don't necessarily have to involve alcohol
• possible 'backlash' to the excess of their elders – this is a particularly interesting one and is often referred to as the 'Ab Fab' theory (after the TV show Absolutely Fabulous). It suggests that young people are choosing not to partake, essentially bucking the trends of their parents (the teens of the 90s) who were drinking to excess and experimenting with illicit drugs

From my perspective I believe that one of the major changes we are seeing with our current school-based young people is the growing acceptance of non-drinkers by those who choose to drink. More and more, non-drinkers are now being regarded as a valuable part of a social group. Where once the 'cool drinking group' would want nothing to do with those who didn't drink, they now welcome them, knowing full well that they can be very useful on a Saturday night. Not only are they the people who look after those who get into trouble but they can also be incredibly useful in later years as the 'designated driver'.

When I try to explain these very positive results to parents I boil it down to three things, firstly I think there is enough evidence to suggest that social media is indeed having a significant influence. The way young people communicate and socialize is now very different from in the past and this must be having some impact. This does not always have to be a positive influence (as I'm sure every parent is aware) but there is a growing awareness amongst teens of their online image and social media does offer them so many other ways of interacting with their peer group, particularly for those who are not interested in partying and drinking to excess.

Secondly, you can't underestimate the impact of education in this area. We now have a much better idea of 'what works' in school-based drug education drug education around alcohol. Simply saying "don't drink" is not going to work and, instead, we have moved towards arming our children with empowering messages around looking after themselves and their friends. Some young people are going to drink alcohol, no matter what we do, keeping them as safe as possible is vital. At the same time these messages have helped non-drinkers feel good about their choices, as well as helping those who abstain be seen as valuable and valid members of a social group.

Most importantly though, due once again to education, I believe we are seeing a major shift in parental attitudes in this area. Parents have now got the message that we must try to delay drinking for as long as we possibly can and many try their very best to do just that. It's not going to be easy and the Australian culture and our attitudes around alcohol and its role in socializing makes it even more difficult but it appears that our efforts in this area seem to be starting to pay off. Sure, there are always going to be those parents who make it even more difficult for others by trying to be their child's best friend and providing (or tolerating) alcohol at parties and gatherings, but there are growing numbers of Mums and Dads who are working hard to instil good values and attitudes in their kids and provide rules and boundaries in this area in an effort to keep their teen as safe as possible.

So let's take the time to celebrate our teens - they live in a very complex world and they're doing a pretty good job of navigating through it! We should grab the results of this survey and yell them from the rooftops because I can pretty well guarantee you they'll be something pretty miserable coming out about their mental health, links to crime rates or use of social media in the coming weeks ...

References:
Herring, R., Bayley, M. & Hurcombe, R. (2014). "But no one told me it's okay to not drink": A qualitative study of young people who drink little or no alcohol. Journal of Substance Use 19, 95-102.

White, J. (2016). Generation clean: Why many young adults choose to stay sober. New Scientist 3102, 3 December.

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Living Consanguinamorously - What To Tell The Children

A question many people in consanguinamorous relationships have is if, what, when, and how to tell their children about their relationship.

There is no one right answer because it depends on many different factors.

It will be great when we get to a point where it doesn’t even have to be a question, but since most consanguineous lovers are still living in places where such relationships face severe discrimination, often including imprisonment, it is a question some people have.

Most people in consanguinamorous relationships have children, whether they have those children together or by some other relationship or through adoption or third party reproduction, because most people in general have children, so this is an issue faced by many people.

Let’s consider some of the factors involved.


1) Do you live where such relationships are criminalized? It can be tough on a child to keep a secret. It is often best if they wouldn’t possibly reveal anything incriminating, and if that can be prevented from them knowing something incriminating in the first place, great!

2) Other than the law, how are things where you live? Even if you live somewhere that your love isn’t criminalized, you and your loved ones can still be subjected to hateful discrimination and attacks.

3) What kind of relationship do you have? If your consanguinamory is limited to what amounts to a family-with-benefits situation, that’s easier to hide from the children and a lot of other people as well. But if if you’re living as spouses, and your children think of you and your lover(s) as spouses to each other, and the children are likely to talk about you to others as though you’re spouses, that’s another matter.

4) How are you presenting your relationship, if at all? Do people know of your relation? A mother and the adult son she raised who have a “benefits” situation can easily keep that closeted. But if people know you are lovers but don’t know of your genetic relation, are they likely to find out?

5) Who knows what, and what is their attitude about it? If you have hostile, blabbermouth relatives who know all about it, and you can’t keep them from contacting your children, that’s a far different situation than, say, your approving parents knowing and being able to keep it a secret.

6) Are any of the children your joint biological children, and if not, were they around and older when you and your lover(s) got involved? A DNA test on a child conceived by you and a consanguineous partner can reveal your relation.

7) Are you or your partner a parental figure to any of these children? If a woman has a child by her genetic brother, uncle, father, or son and he’s thousands of miles away or he lives on the other side of town with his other children and/or stepchildren, that’s going to make things different than if you’re living together and he’s living as their father or a father figure. Just as someone being a parent or a parental figure doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lover to the child’s other parent, being a lover to the child’s parent doesn’t necessarily mean they will be acting as a parent or parental figure.

In general, children should be told things like this only on a need-to-know basis. If it won’t benefit them, they don’t need to know.

Will it benefit a child who is, say 11, to know that her parents are siblings or father and daughter? Usually it won’t.

As they get older, what they need to know might expand.

What concerns children above everything else is their needs being met. If they are being loved, nurtured, protected, housed, fed, clothed, talked with and listened to, if they are allowed to play and learn, and are provided some stability and consistency in their life, they will thrive. If they have a childhood like that, it really won’t matter to them, as they are growing up, what the genetic relation is of the adults raising them. Just about any child out there would rather have kind parents who protect them and are siblings than unrelated parents who are neglectful.

One of the reasons we fight for rights and equality is that it is harder to provide children with what they need when the parents are being discriminated against simply for loving each other.

Here are some of the possible problems and what people think might be problems people think about when it comes to telling or NOT telling:

1) If the neighbors or anyone else find out and aren’t supportive, it’s one more thing for which they might bully your children.

2) Children may be traumatized if their parents are arrested and prosecuted, and will be if they are ripped away from their parents. The good news is that, although people do continue to be prosecuted on many places, the overwhelming majority of consanguinamorous relationships never involve being arrested for being consanguinamorous. So would it be good for a child to worry about the possibility of something that, odds are, won’t happen?

3) A child may find out from someone or something else and confront their parent(s) with “Why didn’t you tell me?” If that ever happens, though, the parent should be honest: “Because it was of no benefit for you to know, but there were potential downsides to you knowing. What matters is that I/we love you and have taken care of you.”

4) Some people fear their child will reject them/their lover(s) or otherwise react negatively. Maybe you were rejected by your parents or someone else due to your love, or something else about you, such as your orientation or gender identity, and you fear that your child will likewise reject you. But...

This last one isn’t likely to happen if you’re good parents to them, and especially if part of that good parenting is that you raise them with healthy attitudes about sexuality and relationships. One of the reasons people (maybe even your own parents) bash consanguinamorous people is simply because they were taught to. Teach your child to be thoughtful and respectful and understanding. The earlier you start (age-appropriate, of course) the better. If you’ve got a 13-year-old and you just found the half sibling you never knew you had and have fallen madly in love, it’s probably not going to be easy if the 13-year-old has been raised with the attitude that consanguinamory is wrong (as some people who experience GSA used to feel!) It matters how your children are raised. You had no control over how strangers or your parents or your siblings (usually) were raised, but you have much to do with teaching your children and setting good examples for them.

So, if you raise them to embrace human diversity rather than fear it, to be loving and kind and accepting and sex-positive, chances are, things between you and them will be good. If you’re loving towards them, it usually isn’t going to matter much at all to them if they do find out that you and your partner(s) share genes. If anything, if they hear it is wrong from someone else they will likely be baffled that someone would say it is wrong. (Although, even the best parents can raise a child who goes down the wrong path and grows up to be an awful person.)


There are certain situations in which it might be helpful for the children to know:

1) They are getting involved with each other, whether it is youthful experimentation or a budding romance. Especially if they’ve internalized some of the prejudiced bigotry against consanguinamory, they might need to be assured that it is OK by their parents coming out to them as an example.

2) Especially if they are older and looking for a permanent or long-term partner (or have one or more) and are frustrated because they perceive their relationship(s) don’t measure up to the connection they see their parents have, it could be helpful to reveal to them that the reason your relationship is different is because it is one of double-love.

3) If the now-adult children express a romantic and/or sexual interest in one or more of you. Whether that bond will be added or not, it can be helpful for them to know the full reality of the existing or prior relationship(s).

4) They are well into adulthood and you think you might need their help in protecting you.


How To Tell Them

If you decide that your child should know, whether you have the luxury of tell them yourself or you have to clear up something they found out from someone or something else, it should be age-appropriate. You know your child better than anyone else does, so think about what generally concerns them and how they process new information. What kind of relationship do they have with you and your lover(s)?

Dependent children want to know "What does this mean for me?" They want to know how it has an impact on them. Usually, it won't actually change anything.

Point out to them that what matters most is that you and your lover(s) have been there, and will continue to be there, for them. What matters is how you've been treating each other and them.

Do not feel obligated to abandon your privacy. You don't need to answer every question they ask in extensive detail. Likewise, don't volunteer anything unnecessarily that would make your child uncomfortable (after all, many children spend at least some of their life NOT wanting to hear/see anything relating to their parents' sex life.)

You can provide them with general information about consanguinamory.

This page may also help, depending on how old they are.

Remind them that everyone has their own path and there is diversity in relationships; what is best for some is different than what is best for others. This is where you've found love and it really isn't anyone else's business to be concerned with.

And yes, do discuss, as appropriate, that there's still ignorance and prejudice against some love and that you've had to take certain steps to protect yourself and them.

Let them know they can keep coming to you with questions or concerns.

If you think it would help them for them to have something to do with this information, maybe they can support equality?


Some Odds and Ends

Unable to think of a single good argument against such relationships, haters might ask something like. “So are you their father or their uncle?” (or whatever the situation is.) The biological fact is, you’re both. However, people are generally identified by their closer relation. So if you’re socializing them as their father, then you are father, dad, or whatever. First cousin marriages have been common and legal throughout history and remain so in many places. To the biological children of such marriages, dad is also their first cousin, once removed, as is their mom (and, likewise, the children are first cousins, once removed to their parents.) But nobody talks like that. It is simply “This is my daughter” or “This is my father.”

[Please note we are generally talking about consensual (to be redundant) relationships and births, not assault. If your child was conceived in incestuous assault, it usually isn't a good to tell them that their conception was an assault. You should protect that child from the abuser if the abuser is still around, but the child doesn’t need to know the truth about their conception.]

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Secure Together

Kindred Spirits forum continues to be a great place for consanguinamorous people and allies to connect, and to read about the experiences and emotions of people in these relationships. With permission, I'm quoting some statements from one woman who is at the forum.

From her introductory message...

I'm in a relationship with my father for 7 years. I'm 27 and he's 48. I lost my virginity to my father at the age of 20, so he's my first and only love. We just moved to our new place and we are planning to make a baby. I know he will make a great father. I mean, after all, he did raised me himself. Feel free to message me, or ask me any questions.

Later, she responded to Jane's situation with her father...

Jane Doe, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you and your dad. My father was the same way when we started our relationship. He felt like he was betraying my trust and that he wasn't being fair to me. It took a whole year for my father to get over his shame and guilt. I had to constantly reassure him that I like it and I was okay with it. He's a great father and he finally sees that now.

Someone asked, "Do your relationships feel any stronger because of the added blood bond?"

I think I'm late to the party here, but the answer to your question is yes. It's not just the sex itself, but even the little things like, flirting, holding hands, or just a simple conversation. When I cuddled with my father in bed, I feel so loved as his woman, and as his daughter. I feel like I just won the lottery ticket because I have someone who is my best friend, my lover, and the best part, my father.

Later she added...

I think I've already found my perfect match on earth and that is my father. We absolutely knows everything about each other. I love the fact how he's always been there for me since birth. I can't imagine being with anybody else.

In another thread she wrote...

He makes me feel beautiful inside and outside. I know I can't find this kind of love and bond with any body else...I love sharing the same bed with my father. I love how close we are and how open we are with each other. I love knowing that I can come to him as my man, and as my father. But most of all, I love the deep trust between us.

And...

Something about the bond I have with my father is indescribable. It's so much deeper than love and I've grown strongly attached to my father

She announced some exciting news...

I couldn't wait any more so here is the exciting news. I am pregnant with my daddy's child. I have always wanted a baby with my dad and now that I'm finally pregnant, it felt surreal. We are both excited about being parents and raising the child together. The word "happy" can't even begin to describe how I really feel inside. Each day it feels like I made the right choice to be with my dad.

Finally, she had choice words for "Opposers"...

My dad is not a pervert, a predator, manipulator, child molester, and he's definitely not an evil person. My dad is kind, loving, caring, generous, and trustworthy. He is fair and generous to others. He's willing to help friends, family, and even strangers. My dad is humble and unselfish. He gives more than he takes. He does community volunteer work and makes donations. He taught me about love, kindness, fairness, and generosity. To me, it makes perfect sense why I only want to be with my dad. My dad is NOT a bad father, or a bad person. He is my BEST friend and the GREATEST dad in the world. We deserve to be happy just like any couples. No matter what anybody says, this is love. Matter of fact, it is beyond love. It is something that can not be define by a dictionary, professors, psychologists, or even scientists. It is beyond knowledge and logic. It is probably the most rare, and even maybe the most unique relationship out in the universe. I am so lucky and grateful to have such a beautiful relationship with my dad.

Like so many others, she has discovered that the person for her is someone she already loved and trusted, and their connection is a powerful one. There is no good reason they should be denied their rights. It is the prejudiced bigotry of others that causes the most trouble. Let consenting adults have the relationships to which they mutually agree, including full marriage equality.

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Frequently Asked Question: How Common is Incest?

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Spicy Karela ( Bitter gourd cooked with spices)

Most people shy away from Karela (bitter gourd or bitter melon in English). I for some reason love it. Every time I go get my groceries, if I see bitter gourd I will surely buy it. May be because I am aware of the immense health benefits and  the nutritional value of bitter gourd, especially for diabetics. People don't like it because of it's bitterness. I am of the opinion that either they have eaten a bitter gourd dish that has not been cooked properly. If a bitter gourd is cooked in the correct manner, there is little to no bitterness in the dish. Check my fried bitter gourd and the Masala Karela recipes.

Today I am bringing to you another of my favorite, easy to make bitter gourd recipes that does not leave the Karela tasting bitter! This recipe was shared by my sister.  I have modified it to make it tastier and more convenient.  Do try it.. You may like it!! 

Servings: 4-6

Prep time: 20 mins Cook time: 15-20 minsTotal time: 35-40 mins

Ingredients: 

Bitter gourd/ Karela: 2 medium sized

Turmeric powder/ haldi: 1 tsp

Salt: 1 tsp

Water: 4 cups

Tamarind pulp: 1/2 tsp

Jaggery/brown sugar: 1 tsp

Coconut oil: 1 tbsp

Mustard seeds: 1 tsp

Curry leaves: 1 sprig

Garlic : 4-6 cloves, chopped 

Red chilli powder: 1 tsp

Freshly grated coconut: 2 tbsp

Method:

Chop the Karela either in circles or in pieces. Take this in a bowl. 
Add turmeric powder, salt and keep aside for atleast 15 mins. I usually leave it overnight like that in the fridge ( for convenience). 

After 15 mins ( or whenever you are ready to cook it), squeeze the Karela a fistful at a time and keep aside. Do this with all the available bitter gourd. Discard the remaining water. 

Take this squeezed bitter gourd in a sauce pan or pot. 
Add 4 cups water, jaggery and tamarind pulp. 
Bring this to a boil, reduce the flame and cook it until the Karela is just tender. Turn off the flame and let it cool down slightly.  
When it has cooled down enough to handle it, drain the water completely. Discard the water. Keep the cooked Karela aside. 

In a sauté pan or frying pan, heat 1 tbsp coconut oil.
Add the mustard seeds. 
Once the mustard seeds splutter, add the curry leaves and chopped garlic. Sauté for few seconds until the garlic is fragrant. 
Add the red chilli powder. Sauté for 10 seconds.
Now add the cooked Karela, freshly grated coconut and if needed a pinch of salt( I usually don't add salt as we already added it earlier during marination). Mix and let it all come together for 2 mins. Turn off the flame.

Serve hot. 

Goes well with rice and dal, yogurt rice or roti.

I am bringing this to my dear friend Angie's Fiesta Friday#175. I bet they have not heard of this dish. Her cohosts this week are Monika @ Everyday Healthy Recipes and Suzanne @ A Pug in the Kitchen. Both are very talented bloggers.

Enjoy!

Cooking made easy: 

The key to ensuring that Karela is not bitter is either to marinate it with salt and turmeric powder, squeeze it out and discard the water or to boil it in water, squeeze and remove and discard the water. 

Tip for healthy living:

Since time immemorial, bitter gourd had known for its health benefits in diabetics. The most significant being the insulin like properties of it's juice which is used in diabetics to keep their blood sugar levels under control. Research however has shown inconclusive results. Karela is also used as a blood purifier. It is supposedly helpful in people with toxemia, and helps boost the immune system. There have been also other claims like its use in people with gout, piles etc, but there has been no scientific evidence to support it.

References:

http://ift.tt/2rKEVyG
http://ift.tt/2rfiFt7
http://ift.tt/2rKOfTh

Food for thought: 

Fortitude is the guard and support of other virtues. John Locke

Please do share your thoughts. Your opinion matters!

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"We didn't call other parents – he told us we didn't need to!" One Mum's story of when it all went horribly wrong ...

I've talked so much about trust over the last couple of months and the importance of remembering that during adolescence your child is likely to lie to you to get what they want. There are certainly those parents who don't agree with me, choosing to believe that if you trust your teenager they will 'repay' that trust with being open and honest about their behaviour, whatever that may entail ... As I have said, I believe strongly in the following - most young people will do the 'right thing' most of the time, however, all young people will do the 'wrong thing' at least some of the time!

Parents need to be prepared for their child to 'let them down' at some time or another. Of course, don't 'expect' them to do the wrong thing but it is important to 'accept' that they are likely to slip up now and then, that's just what adolescents do! Every parenting expert will tell you that you have to trust your child at some point, but as I have said time and time again, blind trust is dangerous ... A couple of weeks ago I had this comment posted onto one of my blog entries:

"I heard you speak a number of years ago and remember feeling quite confronted when you said that my son would lie to me at some point. He was 12 at the time and I am ashamed to say that my husband and I completely ignored almost all of the advice you gave that night about boundaries and rules. We really believed that if we trusted our son he would repay that trust by being honest with us. He is now 16-years-old and has recently been arrested for the third time for drug use. He is a good kid but we let him down by not providing the boundaries we should have when he was younger. We didn't call other parents – he told us we didn't need to! It took a police officer knocking at our door for us to finally realize what had been going on for over 2 years! I wish we'd listened …"

I have since had contact with this mother (let's call her Jill) who is really struggling at the moment. Jill and her husband are desperately trying to work out how to deal with their son who has well and truly 'gone off the rails'. He successfully manipulated his parents from the age of 14 (and possibly even younger) and had them totally convinced that they had an open and honest relationship. Even though they never took him to where he was meant to be going, never spoke to the parents who were supposedly hosting parties he was apparently attending or did any other type of checking up on what he was doing on a Saturday night, he had them convinced that all was fine! As she said to me over the phone, "He was doing well at school, the friends of his that we had met seemed nice and we had no reason to believe that anything was amiss."

Now, apart from his third brush with the law, their Year 11 son is now facing expulsion from school for bringing cannabis to school, his grades have fallen dramatically and their family is crumbling. I feel so sorry for these parents - they sound like really good people who were trying to do the right thing but just found themselves being well and truly played by an extremely manipulative teen. The very real problem they face now is how to deal with placing rules and boundaries around a young man who simply has never had any before. Trying to change the way you parent when they are 16-years-old is going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Realistically the only thing Jill and her husband are going to be able to do at this point is to try to build and maintain some sort of positive relationship with him, keep him as safe as possible and work in partnership with his school in an effort to get him through to his final exams. They have a very tough 18 months ahead of them ...

When I look at a group of students, particularly Year 10s, I can certainly see the problem that many parents face. Many of these teens are well and truly becoming young adults - they are physically changing, they are developing their own attitudes and values around so many things, particularly social issues and they want to be treated like adults. This means that they want to make their own decisions about where they go and what they do and they want to be trusted. Of course, parents need to respect how they feel and the changes their child is going through, but at the same time we must remember that they are adolescents and they need our help to get safely through this stage of their life ... The truth is that they are not able to make good decisions at this time - their brains are not fully developed and are 'programmed' to weigh risk in a very different way to an adult. In fact, their brains actually push them to take risks - this is an evolutionary feature that we are never going to change. We need to keep them safe ...

I am in the middle of reading an amazing book at the moment (I've read three great books recently, all of which I'll talk about in the coming weeks) and I don't think I have ever seen such a perfectly written explanation of adolescence and why effective parenting and boundary setting is still so vital at this stage of life. The book is called Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Teen by Robert J. MacKenzie and he writes the following in his summary of a chapter dealing with a parent's changing role in adolescence:

"When children enter adolescence they want and need us to shift from a direct and active role as primary authority figure to a seemingly less involved background figure that coaches from the sidelines. The role they want us to play is full of contradictions. Most teens want, and still need, us to be the central authority figures in their lives, but they don't want to think of us as such. They prefer to think of themselves as free agents who can manage their own affairs.

But the vast majority of teens are not ready to be the 'free agents' or to manage their own affairs. They still need our firm limits to guide their testing and exploration, our encouragement, our assistance with problem solving, and our instructive consequences when they choose to learn their lessons the hard way ..."

MacKenzie then goes onto talking more about 'coaching from the sidelines' (really another way of saying that during adolescence you move from a 'managing role' (parent-child) to a 'consulting role', which I have talked about many times). Where this book is quite different is that it really focuses on parental behaviour and responses to teen behaviour - I haven't finished it yet, but that quote is so 'spot-on' I just had to share it ...

When we spoke on the phone I asked Jill whether she would permit me to include her comment in a blog entry. Her response was heartbreaking. She burst into tears and said "Please let other parents know that this can happen to them. No-one wants to go through what we're going through at the moment. We feel like we've lost our son and it's all our fault!" Now, as I said to her at the time, I don't agree that it's all their fault - when you hear some of the things their son was doing from the age of 14, this was not 'normal' behaviour. He was clever and knew how to shut them down when they asked questions. Certainly, things may not be so bad if they had set boundaries and did some basic checking, but realistically, he sounds like a young man with some issues that would have always caused them problems, no matter what parenting style they had used.

Only you can make decisions around how you parent, nobody else can tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. As I said to Jill, you can only do the best you can do at the time and, if things go wrong, you can't waste time beating yourself up about it. You've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and work out what you're going to do next. You're going to be no good to your teen if you sit around saying 'What if?' ... I think the most important thing that I got Jill and her husband to do was to go and seek professional counselling - not for their son but for them! They are so beaten up and so convinced that everything is their fault that they are going to be no help for their son at all. As I said, the next 18 months is going to be tough for their family, they need to be strong and supported - professional help is vital ...

References:
MacKenzie, R.J. (2015). Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Teen. Harmony Books: New York.

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Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

I’ve noticed some common myths expressed about sibling consanguinamory. In this instance, by consanguinamory, I mean everything from curious exploration and experimenting to erotic romance, including masturbating in front of each other, erotic kissing, sexual touching or rubbing, oral sex, intercourse, etc.

This entry is NOT addressing molestation, assault, or abuse.

I’m referring to adult siblings, or minor siblings who are close in age, engaging in mutual affection or experimentation, without coercion, force, or intimidation. It may be two siblings alone, it may be three or more siblings, or it may be two or more siblings involved together with one or more people outside of the immediate family.

These myths need to be addressed, because they perpetuate inequality, discrimination, hardship, confusion, stigmas, ignorance, and fear.

Myth #1 “It doesn’t happen” or “It happens very rarely” or “I don’t know anyone who has done this.” Just because one person hasn’t been involved or doesn’t remember being involved with sibling doesn’t mean it isn’t happening with others. It is, and it always has. Ongoing sexual relationships between siblings are common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been in, such a relationship, and far more siblings than that have had an encounter or experimented, explored, or played doctor. Reality: We all know people who've been involved, whether we know it or not.

Myth #2 “Siblings don’t have sex, rather it is always that one sibling abuses another” or ”It only happens between siblings who have been abused or neglected” or “It always means they need therapy.” At the heart of this is myth is that, because of the dynamics between siblings, one sibling can’t consent to have sex with another. This ignores siblings who weren’t raised together, but even with siblings who were raised together, the claim that one can’t consent to sex with another is an unsupported assertion based on personal aversion, a personal history of abuse, ignorance, or even the absurd notion that females don’t want or enjoy sex. If an 18-year-old woman can legally consent to group sex with three male cage fighters who are strangers to her, or consent to be the mistress of a billionaire with a spouse and children, the President of the United States, or a someone who rented a room in her childhood home and was present for her entire childhood, how can we be consistent in saying that she can't consent to sex with her twin brother or sister? When it comes to minors, most family therapists don’t consider it abuse if minors close in age experiment or have sex; it is considered mutual experimentation (think teenagers who are four or fewer years apart). Abuse and sex are two different things. Sex does happen in some families. Unfortunately, so does abuse. But they aren’t the same thing. Reality: Some siblings do willingly share this at some point in their lives, and may not need therapy at all.

Myth #3. “It only happens as youthful experimentation. Adults don't do this.” While such contact is more common among siblings living together in their youth, it may continue throughout their lives or be initiated during adulthood: everything from while they’re at college to during their senior years. It can happen when siblings are introduced or reunited (Genetic Sexual Attraction,) during a time of personal discovery or experimentation, while one siblings cares for another through an illness or after an accident, during times of grieving, after a breakup or divorce or death of a spouse/lover… anytime, really. Reality: Some siblings share this throughout their lives, some starting late in life.

Myth #4 “It is unnatural.” This myth is not supported either in human history or in other species. While it is very common for people who spent their childhoods in the same residence together, whether genetically related or not, to develop a suppression of sexual attraction to each other (this has been described as the Westermarck Effect), this does not happen to everyone, and siblings who aren’t raised together are often attracted to each other; studies reveal most people are attracted to people who look like them. Reality: In many cases, nothing is more natural.

Myth #5. “It is wrong” or “It is destructive” or “It needs to be stopped” or “They won’t be able to go on to have normal lives.” Different people are going to have different moral guidelines about sex, but sibling consanguinamory is not considered wrong by everyone or all cultures. In many cases, it is advantageous compared to having the siblings involved with others. Nor is there anything inherently destructive about it, but rather some find it constructive. The only way to stop it is to have constant, direct supervision of the siblings 24/7/365. This, however, is needless. For most, the involvement is for a season and it will pass. For others, it will last a lifetime. Either way, there’s no good reason to try to stop it. The only hindrance to having a “normal life” for siblings who continue together is the bigotry of others. Reality: For some, it is the best of all possibilities, it is wonderful and constructive, and they lead perfectly normal, even unusually good lives.

Myth #6 “Only loners, losers, freaks, or ugly people do this” or “It only happens in rural, southern (in the US), poor, uneducated families.” 
Reality: Sibling consanguinamory happens in every demographic and in every part of the US and the world. There are attractive, outgoing, popular, successful, wealthy, educated people who have been, or are still involved with a sibling.

Myth #7 “If they have children, they will be deformed” or “It causes birth defects.” Incest, if it results in a birth, does not cause birth defects in and of itself. Most children born to close relatives are healthy. You know some, whether you know it or not and whether they know their own true parentage or not. Birth defects can be the result of injury during pregnancy, substances ingested during pregnancy, environmental factors, or genetic problems. It is the last one that people tend to be thinking of, usually, when they repeat this myth. That’s because when both genetic parents carry the same genetic problem, it may be demonstrated in the children. However, this can happen with parents who aren’t closely related, too. Reality: Most children born to siblings are healthy.

Myth #8 “It always ruins sibling relationships” or “A person needs a nonsexual relationship with their sibling.” Many siblings report that consaguinamory made them much closer, even if they have ceased that part of their relationship. As far as someone needing a nonsexual relationship with a sibling… that would mean that people who are only children (having no siblings) would suffer, when the studies say otherwise. Also, if someone has more than one sibling, that usually means they’ll still have a nonsexual relationship with the other. Reality: For many siblings, consanguinamory made their relationship much better, and they relate to other people better as a result.

Myth #9 “It is illegal everywhere.” No, it isn’t. But where it is, the laws should be changed. Some people say such laws are needed to prevent societal collapse due to everyone making mutant babies with their siblings. As already explained, most children born to siblings are healthy. Even so, sibling consanguinamory and reproduction are two different things. In most places where consanguinamory is legally banned, it is entirely legal for brothers and sisters to have genetic children together through artificial insemination. It is entirely legal for someone with Huntington’s Disease to have children, even though the odds are dramatically higher than with a random pair of siblings that the children will have a debilitating disease. We can also look at places where it is legal for brothers and sisters to have sex and children together, such as Spain, Portugal, Rhode Island, and New Jersey. Has there been a crisis as a result in any of those places? (Snooki excluded.) Furthermore, the person who says anti-consanguinamory laws are needed to prevent widespread inbreeding makes it sound like everyone wants to have babies with their sibling, and the only thing holding them back is the law (perhaps there is something they want to tell us?) MOST people will not have intercourse with or marry their siblings, and even many siblings who do will not have genetic children together. Another part of this myth is that laws against consanguinamory prevent abuse. Abuse is illegal regardless of consanguinamory laws, and criminalizing consensual sex actually makes it more difficult to get victims and witnesses to cooperate in the prosecuting of abusers. Reality: Sibling consanguinamory is legal in several US states and many developed countries, but where stupid laws still apply, those unjust laws must go.

Myth #10 “Siblings don’t need the freedom to marry.” This is often augmented with “because they are already family.” But siblings who are sharing their lives as spouses often do need the same rights, benefits, and protections as any other spouses, and there’s no good reason to deny them their fundamental right to marry. Also, marriage automatically provides for next-of-kin status, which is especially important when there is some discord between one or both siblings and other siblings or their parents or grown children. For example, if brothers Adam & Steve have been living as spouses for years and Steve winds up in a coma in the hospital, their estranged, bigoted parents would likely be able to usurp Adam’s rights to make decisions. Finally, in relationships initiated through Genetic Sexual Attraction, they might not be considered family under the law, although in a loathsome double-standard, they may still be subject to discriminatory laws based on their genetic relation. Reality: An adult should be free to marry any and all consenting adults.

In Conclusion

There are siblings who are together right now, providing each other love, comfort, support, or their first sexual experience in a safe and reassuring environment. The biggest problem with sibling consanguinamory seems to be the prejudice and sex-negative attitudes of others. In most cases, trying to force consanguinamorous siblings apart only makes things worse. It can be a mutually beneficial way of bonding, expressing their love for each other, learning, and discovering their sexuality; it may even be a beautiful, lifelong romance.

Let’s not let ignorance cause needless concern or repression.

For further reading:

Common Objections Answered

What Family and Friends Should Know

Case Studies of Consanguinamorous Relationships

How Common is Consensual Incest?

Why Is Incest Illegal Anywhere?

Genetic Sexual Attraction

Consensual Incest FAQ

If You Are Considering It

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